Why is it so hard?

[HansaPlease]

Hey Guys,

@SurferMan and @Hansa. I think Aussies get me quite well, way better than I expected. Sure, they won't get it when I crack a South African joke. But I don't do that very often.

.

For sure, you have to adapt to their way rather than get them to adapt to yours, it's the only way you will fit in and not be seen as a foreigner.

It's sometimes good to crack an SA joke and have somebody understand it though.

That said, I sometimes come across a certain type of South African and think: "crumbs, I'm glad I left that behind..."

[SurferMan]

@Hansa,

Ya, the 1 litre brandy, 2 litre coke and 3 litre Ford club! Waahaaaa. I must say I enjoy the Aussie humour, most of the blokes are solid fellows. I go fishing quite often and mostly the guys on the beach are friendly and helpful. I fish into the night with my 8 year old son and nothing is remiss. He loves the time spent with dad and I too relish them. No money can buy what God freely gave for us to enjoy.

[Mara]

Sandra Dee, I am that young Mara that Surferman referred to. I concur with everything that he has said. My greatest concern for you is employment in Australia. Unless you have a skill set that is very high demand, you may well have problems with securing a job. Of course, if you have the funds, you could always go into business for yourself.

We left South Africa for good at the age of 44, it did not hold us back at all, HOWEVER, those were different times in the economy to what they are today. We left in December 1993.

The one thing I can say though, and I have done so before, I would rather be poor in Australia than well off in South Africa... life is precious... and a safe life is priceless!

[Nev]

Your teenager problem is a really tough one,

There was a story on the forums or it could have been the expat groups on Facebook not too long ago about a family who's teenage daughter refused to leave, 5 ish years later and the time of the post she has been granted PR with her husband and by now would have moved here, Parents are stuck in SA as they let their visa expire due to her issues, hope she has a great new life.

My feeling, put him on the plane even if you have to duct tape him to the seat.....

In the news today the government is sending the army into xenophobic hot spots to control the population, read that slowly and a couple of times.

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/SANDF-to-be-deployed-in-all-volatile-areas-minister-20150421

Your children do not have a future in South Africa.

[KarinWise]

We had a similar story.

We applied to go to Australia 20 years ago.

My olsest daughter was 19 and the youngest 14.

The older daughters attitude was- I am an African-I will never leave this country-off you go and have a good life!!!

We would never have left her alone in Africa at such a young age. So, we decided to stay and make the best of it.bat 19 we could also not force her to go!

We had some very good years in SA. Established our business, which turned out to be very successful, great home, and all the creature comforts money could buy.

Fast forward to 2008. Daughter comes in to work one morning-announces she is leaving to go and live in Australia with her boyfriend-and six weeks later they are gone.

My youngest daughter decides to follow them two years later.

Then there was lots of pressure for us to come over.

After parting with a cool million Rand for a Parents Visa and Re-location costs, we found ourselves in the promised land.

This was the wrong move for us at our age. 20 years ago it might have been a lot easier to re-establish your life .

You never know-but letting your kids hold you back is maybe not a good idea. I wish we had made the move 20 years ago.

[Nev]

I hear you, we are fortunate in that we love this country, don't get me wrong, i miss my family and friends but I love the freedom here, we will never move back.

For the people who are having a hard time of it im not sure what your solution will be, i know of people who moved back for a while after living here and realized how lousy SA really is, then were tons happier here, but a lot of people cant make multiple moves.

I think the big issue as well is that even if you are unhappy here would you really be willing to go back to the environment and future that SA holds?

This may be the best of two bad situations.

[SurferMan]

Gee Karinwise,

Now I am so grateful my two little ones were 4 and 2. We beat the propaganda drum so hard I still wonder who was pulling who to the airport us or them. My third was born here so will thankfully never have to refer to "bad people" and/or gunshots overhead.

My very good mate has precisely the same issue with his teenage daughter. She flat refuses to get on a plane and his PR will expire early next year. He is distraught and does not know what to do. I told him what Nev, duct tape her @ss onto the plane seat!!! She can thank him later.

Good points Nev & Mara,

Would rather be poor in Aus than rich and running for my life in SA. I will go fishing again this arvo/evening, and I will be alone, again.

Hey Nev,

You can call it failed state when the cops cannot control the situation. In history on the Dark Continent is that once this happens, open dictatorship is not far behind.

[HansaPlease]

I fish into the night with my 8 year old son and nothing is remiss. He loves the time spent with dad and I too relish them. No money can buy what God freely gave for us to enjoy.

That's gold, being able to do that sort of thing without (much) thought to what could go wrong, at least from a human danger perspective. One thing that really appeals to me is the idea of night trail running with head torches - Lo and behold, a Facebook group that I follow are now having regular night runs. I've started going locally and will admit I nearly bekakked myself when two big Roos jumped out of the shadows last night... But then all that turns to relief and laughter and excitement.

I felt very much alive in SA, it's hard not to. But here I can take part in activities that make me feel very much alive!

Sorry, kind of going off track now.

[SandraDee]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom!

Mara my husband is an Optometrist and has run his own group of practices for 20 years now. I am less worried about him being able to find a job, more worried if he could make the transition back to working for some-one else! We could probably afford to buy our own business but that in itself is a worry- I am sure Australia is a completely different kettle of fish and it is probably prudent to learn the Aussie way before we try and conquer the business world! It may seem similar to home at first glance but I can see Australia is a completely different country! Things are done differently, and that is also scarey.

We talk to my son often, chipping away each day and trying to get to understand that we are considering a move for everyone, not just for him but for us too, but all he hears is ..we are doing it for us and you just have to deal with it! He has asked to stay behind and go to boarding school but that is out of the question - I would rather stay! I understand where he is coming from. He is finally becoming a senior at school, he has made the first team in both his chosen sports and he is comfortable. He has good friends, he is succeeding in things that are important to him. We are asking him to give it up for the promise of a better life when he feels he has it pretty good right now. And he does, but he is too young to understand for how long?

[Kimmykins]

All I can say is this is not the time to be shy, put yourself out there and soon enough you will make friends.

[SurferMan]

Spot on Kimmykins.

If I can make mates, anyone can! Ask Miss Mara about how weird I am!

[Mara]

SandraDee, I do feel for you with your son wanting to remain behind. I cannot give you any real advice. You know your son best, all I can tell you is what we did with our youngest son when we left the USA.

He was in his final year of high school when we decided to return to RSA for reasons beyond our control. I eventually sat him down and explained to him that there was no way he could stay behind, this was in March, however, I promised him that if he willingly returned with us, and finished his matric in RSA, then I would buy him a return ticket for December to visit his newly found girlfriend. This made him happy, we returned he knuckled down and studied his heart out for his matric. Three months later he had a new girlfriend and smilingly told me he had been a mug! The trip to the USA never eventuated for him, instead he left with us for PR in New Zealand. If you speak to him today I am sure he will tell you that it is the best thing he has done. He even moved with us from New Zealand to Melbourne.

perhaps you could strike a bargain with your son as well?

[SurferMan]

Remind me never to haggle with you Mara!

SandraDee, I think Mara is onto a winning formula. I am a bit tougher, and would "lay down" the law, but would first try to reason with my son if it were in your shoes.

These things are never easy, but your daughter needs to see the collective good. There is no "I" in this one, and that's the harsh truth. There is a greater benefit for all to go than for one to stay or all to stay. I guess what I'm trying to say is if she kicks, well then you gotta drag, kicking n screaming.

I know I'm probably being too forthright, so feel free to deal out a 100 lashes for my directness, but that is how I see the picture. I'm balancing SA's future, and one person's "love", based on what you said.

At sixteen there are very few who can say they found their true love.

Here is Deuteronomy 8:6

Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in obedience to him and revering him. ⁷ For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; ⁸ a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; ⁹ a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.

Please let us know how you go, and regardless of whether the "toast lands butter side up, or butter side down" please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi SandraDee,

Could not resist a final quote before I go to bed.

Genesis 12:1-3King James Version (KJV)

12 Now the Lord had said unto Abram, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee:

[Mon93]

Hi all.

I'm new here. In a desperate need to find people who don't think I'm insane for wanting to leave the country I found myself here.

I'm currently studying teaching and will have completed my degree by the end of next year. As soon as that happens I'll be going to the agent Migrate2Oz (in linksfield).

I've got a 6 month old little boy who I can't imagine raising here in SA. My boyfriend and I are 100% we want to move.

its pricey but we will sell our cars and ask my dad to help us out (due to the crappy country my bf doesn't earn as much as he should, and i'm still a student). By the way, I'm 22 this year, bf 27.

my sis lives in Darwin and has been there for 7 years. I remember when she moved over she got very depressed and wanted to come back. Im worried I'll land up the same.but for my son's future it's the cost of our comfort, and families. Thinking about leaving my mother gran siblings and in laws breaks my heart. I guess for now i'm focusing on the future of my son, but once I think too much about how much I'm leaving behind I get sad.

i'm reaching out to anyone who can relate in some way or another.

Worried but determined.

[Mara]

Mon93, all of us on this forum that are already living in Aus can relate, believe me, we have all gone through the "what the hell have we done" scenario. All I can tell you is that it too shall pass! The magic time seems to be two years, till you find relative peace. The BIG thing you have to promise yourself is to stick it out for 4 years, then you can get citizenship, if you are then still hankering after RSA, by all means go back with your Aussie passport clutched in your hands. I am willing to bet that by that time you will probably be at peace with your life in Australia and highly unlikely to want to leave!

We are all here to answer any questions that you have, HOWEVER, nobody can tell you what you should do, that is a decision you can only arrive at by yourself!

Good luck with the studies, the finances and the decisions you will have to make.

[SurferMan]

Hi Mon93,

Well done on your decision. I hope that you push through and come over, its an amazing place to raise your kids and a wonderful place to live. Like Mara says, you will feel a bit out of place, but it will pass. Thousands of people do this successfully every year and it is a wise decision. A word of warning, I am biased towards Aus I'm afraid. I have three small kids and this was the best thing I ever did. My single regret is not emigrating sooner. Shout for any help, advice or just plain support!

Welcome again!

Mon93,

read this http://www.saaustralia.org/index.php/topic/44904-6-months-in-and-loving-the-queens-land-just-saying/

[Mon93]

Mara & surferman, you're both setting me up with some mean Positivity. Thank you. I need it. now these 2 years couldn't pass quicker .

my son , all of the parents on this forum, deserve a future where they can grow up knowing they're safe. And can go to bed mot worrying if their home will get broken in to and family killed Or harmed.

just yesterday a woman (who we know now was pregnant) was dropping off her 12 yr old daughter and 7 yr old son at school and she was shot, point blank, died on the spot in front of her 2 children.

For anybody wishing they could leave Aus, I hope u know that's nothing shocking here. We aren't shocked at all. Just sad. But these things happen daily, and more than once.

Nobody is safe.

Determined. (Not worried)

Again,Mara & surferman, thank you thank you. I'll read that again when I'm feeling down .

[Mara]

Mon93, look up and look forward, things will work out, that is our prayer!

[CGP]

Karinwise - seems like you and I are in the same place, and I don't just mean Melbourne. I also feel that I am not the person that I was. Just silly things like sharing the excitement of a Currie Cup final, meeting up with school friends, having a coffee with someone's parents that you have known since you were a baby, etc are all gone. I have been lucky to get a pretty good job and my daughter started grade 1 in a very good school are all making things easier. My wife is as happy as can be, but I think that I will always be out of my environment.

[KarinWise]

Dear CGP

Thank you for that. Sometimes I feel such a looser, everybody else seems to get here and just love it.

Why not me? Aus has lots going for it, but I just cannot shake that feeling that it's not for me.

In SA, in spite of all its problems, life seemed rich and full. I had a feeling of joy in my soul every day.

Coming here has felt like my inner candle has been blown out.

It's not the place, it's the people I miss. Like they always say, you cannot make old friends.

Everyday events seem magnified. My best friend is getting a new puppy on Monday, and I will never meet this puppy.

My nephew just got engaged, and we won't be at the Wedding.Everybody is growing up, moving on, growing old.

It's just heartbreaking-we will be part of none of this.

There seem to be very few people that experience this amount of heartbreak over this move-or is everybody just very good at hiding it?

[ottg]

@Karinwise - A story I remembered so well as it was yesterday.

Was about to finish off at the company back in RSA when the one guy asked the other if he would consider emigrating. Very determined he replied: "nee die mielies groei in my hart" (no, the corn grows in my heart). I think that says it all for some......always difficult to change how you feel.

[Magenta]

Being away during family birthdays and other celebrations can also be tough. My cousin is having a back op and I wish I could be there to offer support. I go through days when I really miss my family but I try very hard to not dwell on those thoughts. Too much sadness never solved anything. I try to look for the positives (and in Oz there are many).

[Oosie]

Hi KarinWise, I know exactly how you feel, we have been here for 7 years now and I have only starting to feel better and at home about 2 years ago. It took me 5 years to get to that point and I go back to SA often because we still have a daughter and grandchildren in SA. My husband and I went to walk around the lake here in Ballarat yesterday and then he said to me, "do you remember how unhappy you were in the first few years we were here?" And I said yes I cannot believe I am at the point now that I feel this is home and I enjoy life here and have good friends. I just came back from SA 2 weeks ago from a 3 weeks visit there and previously I always struggled to settle again here in Aus after my visit, always went through a time of feeling depressed and longing back but the last few times I didn't have that and am so thankful, maybe seeing the deterioration in SA helps me seeing that Aus is the better country to live in. It does take a lot of work on your side as well, get out there and be positive about Aus and make friends, Aus will never be SA but it has so much to offer. My husband helped a lot because he loves living in Aus and that helped me a lot. I will alway have a soft spot in my heart for SA but Aus is now the place I call home.

[KarinWise]

Oosie,

Thank you for that encouraging letter.

I know Aus has a lot to offer( by the way I know the lake in Ballarat well, it's lovely, also love the botanical gardens)

and I suppose I will get used to it in time.

I know it's not an option for me to go back to SA, I will have to make peace with my situation, but some days are a struggle.

To hear it took you five years gives me hope. I always thought it was the three year mark that would make the difference.

I have been here for three years now, and I still have average and bad days( some good-but few and far between) .

So-now I will hang on for the five year mark-something has got to give!?!?!?

Have you lived in Ballarat for all of the seven years you have been here? There is nothing better than feeling at home-so good on you-as the Aussies would say!

[Toitjie]

Interesting thread...

I had a couple of blue days in the beginning but that was to be expected as I was jobless and being at home all day is not good. After 5 months I found a job and going back into that work routine was incredibly hard for me. And i dont like new work situations so it took some time but after a couple of months my new colleagues were my family.

Also hard for me is dealing with the feelings of guilt towards my family back in SA especially elderly parents who relied on me to sort out their municipality issues. I fear for their safety every day and I harbour enormous amounts of guilt.

Lastly, as we started settling (we have been in Canberra for 17 months now) I somehow thought we would have had a nice circle of friends by now but we dont. Maybe its me, im not exactly the biggest extrovert out there, but this weekend is both me and hubby's birthdays and when we spoke about inviting a couple of south africans over for dinner, we could only come up with 2 couples that we thought would attend and that we knew well. And even then one couple wasnt interested. Sad state of affairs ?

I guess it comes back to the root thing. In SA you grow up in a circle of friends and build from there. You have people around you that are witness to your joys, failures and successes. Here you start with nothing and no-one to share with. And we all need someone to validate our life experiences. I deeply miss the connection of a true lifelong friend that just knows me and gets me!

On my recent trip to SA i brought back 7 pairs of awesome shoes (i am crazy about shoes) and i dont have anyone that is interested in sharing this ( i know it sounds incredibly superficial but a quick chat about shoes and a show and tell is all i want and not being able to do so just emphasizes the empty hole I have where a good friend should have been)

You need to find your space again and grow roots again. And for the first little while that feeling of not exactly belonging is hard.

But as with all things, time is a big healer and you adjust and start ti fit in. My old colleagues are an amazing bunch of people and I hope that those friendships will last.

I can truly say, even with some things being harder than others, I have not regretted the move one day. I am very happy, I adore this country and is completely in love with Canberra. My kids have adapted very well and as a family, we know this is our home.