Why is it so hard?

[SandraDee]

Whenever we talk to people about emigrating to Aus, or speak to people who are already there, there always seems to be a common thread......

It is hard...but we love the security or

it is hard......but we did it for our children, they are so happy.

it is hard........but we have had enough of South Africa

What makes it so hard? I know everyone says emigration is not for sissies and I am sure it is difficult for the first few years while you settle and make friends etc but is that all it is, or is life just so much harder in Australia? And if it is, what is it that makes it hard?

[beulah]

Hi SandraDee. We are in Australia no since Oct 2014 (from Cape Town) and I can understand why people say its hard. Its just that its a huge adjustment from what we're used to. The country is beautiful and safe and here are so many opportunities for adults and kids alike. I, however miss my family back home and friends. There are lots of suburbs where there are South African communities but we are happy to get to know the locals here.

Another reason why people say its hard is that finding a job isn't always easy, depending of course on the visa conditions. I came here on a sponsored visa but my husband found it difficult to find a job at first.

Church for us here is also totally different to what we're used to.

So, having said all of that, if you have the right mindset then you will be just fine.

[FairGo]

We have friends that have been living for 4 years in Canberra. They say that the hardest part for them was missing family and second that everything is unfamiliar. If you need to go somewhere, you need a GPS. We relocated to Cape town for 8 months and that was hard as the culture is so different from Gauteng. I can not imagine how difficult it must be to adjust in another country.

[rozellem]

I think the difficult part is that you start from zero with everything. Yes, you eventually get the job and the house and the car, but its the little zeros that can floor you. The fact that you have not known anybody ( however nice the locals are) for more than 5 minutes. Nobody you can meet for a coffee and bitch about your husband, and them knowing you just need to vent. Nobody around who have known you since childhood, school, student days, etc. No mum, no sister, no aunt or old neighbour who have known you and your family since day dot. Having no history might sound freeing, but its actually not natural. It is fine when things are going well, but when life pushes down, it throws you.

[DXB2OZ]

Because you have to walk away .... from everyone and everything that you know and love.

You will know no-one and you will understand even less. Make no mistake, this is an emotional drain like you wouldn't believe.

But then you come out the other side. And somehow it is ok.

I think the question to ask is "knowing what you now know, would you do it again?"

I would.

[Magenta]

RozelleM and DXB2OZ have kind of hit the nail on the head. I have been here for 4 months and I haven't really had a chance to make friends yet. It would be nice to have some one to connect with. But the harshness of it isn't close enough for me to think ' I wish I hadn't moved here'. I love Perth. And I am very happy in Australia.

[monsta]

Good luck Magenta.

I am sure you will make friends. Remember Aussies are crazy busy. The trick is to join in whatever they are doing. Here are some ideas for anyone in your situation...

1) Join a church and get involved. Help make the coffee, become a greeter, etc..

2) Volunteer your time to a good cause. Seek.com.au has a volunteering section.

4) Join a club, e.g. the local tennis club.

3) Have a Child. New mums stick together here.. The early childhood center will set you up in a mums group.

But really, its about putting yourself out there. You may meet a few people along the way who turn out to be crazy, but keep at it. Eventually you will make lifelong friends.

[KarinWise]

It's hard because of the fact that you know nothing and no-one,and you really stop knowing yourself as well.

You are like a small child, starting all over again.

The person you used to be, the things that you loved, everything changes.

For me it's like my inner joy , the light I had burning inside me, just went out.

The new me is a former shell of myself-I really do not know this person at all.

I feel I am living such a small life, I know a few people, but that deep sense of connection you had in SA with lifelong friends, family, business partners, it's gone forever.

That is what gives you the most joy in your life, those connections!

It's no small thing to give that all up.

Yes, Australia is safe , it's beautiful etc.

What you have to consider-do you want a deep meaningful life, or a safe life? I suppose the fact that I do not have small children makes a difference. I totally understand why people with small children need to leave SA.

For me it was totally the wrong decision personally. I have given it three years now.

Would I do it again?

Not on your life..............

This is just my personal opinion-it's all very different for different people.

[zoot]

Its hard in that many of the things you take for granted as just being the way of doing things are different in Oz, Different names for things, finding out where to go to get the basics done, e.g new hairdresser, getting your car serviced. It means that you are on a steep learning curve trying to figure out those things which you have taken a life time to learn in South Africa.

[Mara]

Somebody once asked me what was the most difficult thing about emigrating: my answer "the sense of knowing". They looked at me as if I was crazy and asked me to explain:

As a child your parents instruct you about life in general

You go to school and the teachers teach you about more things

You go to university/college/work and you are on a higher learning curve

BUT

Whilst you undergo all these things, you learn everyday things, things that you just know, nobody has really taught you about them, you just picked them up along the way... HOWEVER, often these are the important things, what to do to have electricity/water/gas/telephone switched on, what documents to have to apply for a rental home, where to buy your groceries, and I could go on and on... ALL OF THIS HAS NOW BEEN LOST and unless you have someone guiding you that you can ask stupid questions, you feel like a five year old starting out in life.

[SurferMan]

For me the hardest part was the wait to move to Aus. I suffered almost no departure depression and live quite happily in Perth. From a local point of view the end of the mining boom has caused work to be a lot scarcer than it was when I got here in 2010. I guess the other "hard" part was finding where/what everything is and how it works. As Mara says you get to ask a poopload of questions and some days you will end up looking a bit of a Beavis.

@Karinwise, thanks for being honest. I agree it does not work for everyone, and that it didn't work for you. I am the polar opposite and it all fell into place for me and I am most happy. As you said, different folks experience different outcomes.

[monsta]

Hey Sureferman,

We need to put your response in big bold writing somewhere on this forum. I agree 100% with you. South Africa may be going downhill, BUT that doesn't mean Aussie is a the answer for everyone.

After all the recent violence in RSA, the forum members seem to be willing to move over here at any cost.

[HansaPlease]

Interesting how we all have different experiences and find different things a challenge.

For me, I really enjoy living here, it suits me. I miss South African things, but I don't pine for them too much. It's the friends and family thing that I find the hardest.

The best way I can sum it up?

The people who have known me all my life, know everything about me, and who get me.... They actually now have no idea what the inside of my house looks like, they don't know my kids, and they have no idea what my life is like now - and I can't explain it to them.

Those who know me in Aus have no idea where I came from, what shaped me, the experiences I've had that got me here - and I can't explain it to them.

That, to me, is the hardest part.

My 2 kids were born in Aus, and besides my wife, I didn't have a single person who I could really share that excitement and joy with. Nobody coming to the hospital, nobody shoving a cigar in m my mouth like in the commercials. That was pretty hard. Of course they shared our joy from afar, but it's not the same.

[SurferMan]

Hey Monsta,

Most people tend to be able to absorb small shocks to the system, but big ones tend to get them going. I guess the collective shock of what's gone down in the last 6 months has proved too much and people who were previously not willing to make the move are now getting going. I have been contacted by a number of people for help on this matter, its sort of weird to see the correlation between events and peoples minds changing.

@Hansa, I have similar views to you. I explain to some of my Aussie mates the things I have experienced and most are in shock that I'm still alive! They seem to struggle to get how resilient Saffers are. And I'm not saying Aussies are woesies, they are not. If anyone doubts that, hit the Outback farmers, man they are a tough bunch.

But watching the violence from afar and seeing the country rip out it's own heart saddens me tremendously. How in the hell do Africans attack each other so? Well, Rwanda springs to mind, the genocide there was huge. This question has alas puzzled me and I don't seem any nearer to a definitive answer. For a continent that was so determined to eradicate colonialism it sure likes killing it's own.

As for the Government's that replace the former incumbent, well the Dark Continents track record is hardly sterling either. Perhaps Botswana, but even they are actually dictatorial under the hood. My understanding is that SA is the most cosmo of the bunch so it would be a reasonable inference that the tolerance levels should be the highest, but it appears the lowest. I also don't buy the Government's apartheid line, they been free of it for 21 years and counting. I also don't get the dumbass statue thing, it's a darn lump of metal that is part of history, no matter what you say about it. I seem to egt the idea the ANC is trying to rewrite history.

A final thing that puzzles me is that not one "cadre" ever got put on trial for the Camp Quatro murders. JZ seems to have amnesia on the topic. But the TRC was hell bent on nailing any former Gov person. Funny that.

[rozellem]

Hansa, I hear you. Our two boys were born here, nobody came to visit in hospital. I have been out of RSA for 18 years (move around a lot too) and in that time we have been guests at 3 weddings. We have missed a lot. Still would not go back to RSA for all the money in the world.

[Sunnyskies]

Ok, 6-7 years later.

Year 1 - I was in shock, knew no one, knew nothing, just survived. Very hard (why? No connections, no family, nothing familiar - when you have to look up where to buy nails you realise you have left everything you know behind. Never mind avoiding going to a dentist or doctor because it goes in the too hard basket)

Year 2 - not quite so numb, realised I was not on holiday but not sure I liked where I was. Tears, lots of tears. Trying to work out if I could go home. Also the year I had to take positive steps to get my 457 converted to PR. Lots of studies. Really hard year but limited time to think.

Year 3 - on the 2nd anniversary I did feel a lot better. Stopped feeling sorry for myself. Started to really put my life back together. Worked out I had gained 13kg since arriving - started running, stopped running, started running (you get the picture - not that it helped).

Year 4 - I had changed jobs. I still missed South Africa, but grateful for where I am, still secretly could move back. I had Aussie friends (not a lot but some). I joined the forum because I missed the South African influence in my life and also because it was the first time I found the forum (can't tell you how many times I googled South Africans in Melbourne only to get a nil return). Some good Aussie friends.

Year 5 - lots of work, connected with others and felt more normal. Took up yoga. Bought our first house here. Became citizens. Went back to South Africa for a month - great holiday but happy to come back. But still could see myself going back.

Year 6 - more work, financially very hard because of the house we had bought. Realised I don't want to go back to South Africa. Had to make a decision to move to Brisbane. Cemented my friendship with really good friends in Melbourne - they fall into lifelong friend category now.

Year 7 - year 1 in Brissie but so different to year 1 in Aus. Super busy socially (1 forum friend, old Saffer friends, aussie friends). Love that we are known as the Melbourne family and not the Saffer family. Love being an Aussie, love my Saffer heritage.

Reading about the Xenophobic attacks brought South Africa in 2008 back to me and why we ultimately decided to leave. Very sad but made me realise I will never go back (holiday yes but nothing else). I'm sure South Africa will go through a better patch again, but I will fight for my right to a decent prime minister here, I will pay my taxes, I will complain about the bludgers, I will love sitting on a deserted beach with no cares in the world. I will miss family and friends, but I won't go back.

[HansaPlease]

Hansa, I hear you. Our two boys were born here, nobody came to visit in hospital. I have been out of RSA for 18 years (move around a lot too) and in that time we have been guests at 3 weddings. We have missed a lot. Still would not go back to RSA for all the money in the world.

Oh wow. Yes. The weddings - all of the weddings we have missed.

I too, would not go back. I am happy here, despite some down-sides.

Why? Well, I just came back from a 9pm run in the pitch dark without a care in the world about safety...

[SurferMan]

I drove home from the shop and saw two girls going for an evening walk. None were packing Sig Sauer 9mm Compacts, non pepper spray and no slobbering pitbull. Just a paradigm shift from what I used to experience.

[Mara]

Our journey has also been somewhat different. We have moved and settled quite easily, perhaps because we had done it so often.

We are also in agreement with those that say they will never go back to live, except in my case I will not even go back for a visit! I prefer to bring my sisters to visit me in Australia.

Everytime I hold my two passports in my grubby little hands, I give thanks for the wonderful opportunity of being able to do so. Australia/New Zealand.

[SandraDee]

Thank you all for your responses. Here is our story!

We applied in 2008/2009 for a PR176 visa. At that time we were just 40 with 2 young children 8 and 9 and South Africa was having load shedding etc etc. We were ready to leave!! Sadly our timing was off, Australia put a hold on a lot of visa types and we sat and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally we decided we needed to carry on living as if we were staying otherwise we would go mad! 3 years later we bought a new house and low and behold 2 weeks after moving in our visa was granted!!

We did our validation and looked around and decided that South Africa wasnt so bad after all. We were heavily invested back in S.A , We had a new house, added another branch to our growing business and the power was back on. We had 5 years after all so why not enjoy it while it lasted.

Fast forward 4 years, we are now closer to 50 than 45, our children have grown up and now are 14 and 16 with only a fews years left at school. Our business is even bigger and going well but the visa clock has not stopped ticking. If we are not there by December this year then our visa has expired. And the lights have gone out again.......

My 16 year old son is adamant he does not want to move. He loves school, is very patriotic to South Africa, and being a typical teenager is fighting us at every turn! I am terrified that moving him may bring out the worst in him - he is so stubborn and feels we are punishing him in some way and he just wants to punish us back!

Is it too late? Do I have the energy left to start over and do this 'hard' thing that everyone keeps warning me about?

[LeighM]

I feel all cocky now and am adamant that this move will not be that hard on me (probably harder for my wife that has a really close relationship with her mother), but it comes from a place of ignorance and I can imagine I will turn into a blubbering mess on the other side, and my wife will probably have to console me. Still hasn't changed my mind in any way though, and I look forward to slogging through the tough times and coming out triumphant on the other end.

[SurferMan]

Wow SandraDee,

That's a tough one. maybe it would be worth sitting your son down and explaining your thinking to him. I know at 16 I had no ears but you may just get through to him. Also maybe try to appeal to the plus side and say to him to give it a go for a set period of time, and if he still feels SA is home, let him at least taste a bit of Aus. This is a really challenging situation. Had you moved when they were younger, the move would have been a cinch compared to this.

My biggest fear is the expiring visa. You almost certainly won't get another one if you let this one expire. It's never too late until you run out of time, that much I can say. And I know of people who have moved at your age and made it. Young Mara who is one of the Mods on the forum has almost made a career out of moving! She is doing just fine over in Melbourne.

My bias is that SA is sinking, slowly but surely, and if you're honest, your kids won't have much of a future when they hit the workforce. Me, I would leap at the chance to get into Aus, at any age. But that is me and I am biased. For some people it's a bridge too far. I reckon you should draw up a list of pros and cons, and be brutally honest with yourself. Can you actually see your golden years out in safety in SA? Will your pension be safe from a raid by the Government? Will you get good medical care? Those are the kinds of questions that tipped it over for me. Along with ones like, just how the heck is Gov going to be able to support >20 million people on one grant or another, when less than 1.1 million people pay tax, of which 400 000 pay the lions share? They keep wasting on fraud and corruption, but almost nobody gets nailed. Add to that the changes to land ownership, Eskom, SAA SABC, NPA, SARS you name it are all under siege by Zoooma783, I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel, only darkness. And the ultimate madness, the Trillion Rand nuclear deal.

I really feel for your predicament, hope you pray and see God's plan for you!

Good on you Legh!

Keep swinging mate!

[monsta]

Hey Guys,

@SurferMan and @Hansa. I think Aussies get me quite well, way better than I expected. Sure, they won't get it when I crack a South African joke. But I don't do that very often.

For example, I have been trying to teach my son some good things about RSA. I pulled out a Leon Shuster DVD and all he did was sing about crime. So that didn't work. I think Aussies understand why I would want my kid to like RSA. After all he is a dual citizen.

My wife said it best, live in the present. Don't freak out over the violence. Freak out when it affects someone you know. Aussies can't relate to violent xenophobic attacks, but they can relate to a friend bring broken into.

[SurferMan]

I do try to steer clear of the crime topic, as I know they heard the stories and sometimes we must sound like a family of Toppers (of Dilbert fame) all trying to have a more gruesome story to tell, without even knowing it! My line is "SA is a great place with some lovely people, but it's too violent for me" And I park it right there.

The only time I tend to get animated is with the rampant corruption. If the damn pollies at least spent most of the money on the poor and it actually helped, I would be okay with that, But they don't, and that gets to me. When I see a man tell people he showered after unprotected sex with an HIV + girl, and he is the leader of the moral regeneration unit, I shake my head, When I see him found guilty of taking bribes and found guilty in 3 successive courts, but never spend a day in tjoekie, I seethe with anger. When that same man appoints his lackeys to head up units of justice, KNOWING he is wrong, but is never censured for it, I get miffed. Spends 250 million on his house, but allegedly never knew what they were building, oh please. It's never his fault. Ever. Always someone else's fault, preferably apartheid or a third force.

You can't make this stuff up. That said I have adjusted my topics of discussion and it works out just fine.

[monsta]

Aussies sure can relate to corruption. Just ask a union member!

The unions are very bad here. They shake companies down for bribes all the time. Even ones that are good to their staff. They even threaten bthe staff I'd they won't sign up to the union. Sounds a bit like RSA.