Not so settled

[UnsureGC]

Hi all,

I am new to this forum and been living in Australia for 3.5 years now.

I was just wondering if there is anyone else out there considering moving back to SA? If so please tell me your story... I have been living overseas for 8 years in total now and I still miss my family and SA terribly. I have been home every year since leaving to travel so I am fully aware of everything changing and happening there.

Please don't reply to this message if you are going to try and convince me that SA is a terrible place, I just really want to hear from other people that may be feeling the same way as me and how they are dealing with it.

Look forward to hearing from you

[Duane W]

I felt like going back twice for about 0.5 of second in my 1st month both times because of my work situation. 3 reasons why I will never go back.

1: I think Australia (Brisbane) is a wonderfull place and it feels like home to me allready

2: South Africa is a hole and getting worse almost daily

3: It will be a cold day in hell before I give the naysayers the opportunity to say "I told you so"

Seems I was lucky that I went to 5 different schools 2 of them boarding schools and that everytime I came home on holiday we lived in a different place. 2 years in the army also helped

I just dont have the ties to places and friends that everybody else seems to have

[elizes]

Hi All!

Well we have been in Oz for 2 weeks now, and everything has been great. That is until I got gastro 3 days ago. This is hard to do in an unfamiliar place, without your own bed, duvet, house, the dogs etc. I think what everybody misses is definately the familiarness of everything. The family also, but to a lesser degree.

I can see that you might struggle to make friends if you are a stay-at-home-mom like me, but it is doable if you put some work into it.

My emotions are running riot in my head. But I know we cant and wont go back, so I have to make it work. Even if it is difficult.....

Elize

Edited February 15, 2008 by elizes

[Nilo]

Your family are doing the exact opposite, which must make it EXTREMELY difficult for you to let go a little and actually settle in Australia. My heart breaks when I hear that a parent puts so much pressure on their child to do what the parent wants instead of what is best for the child in the long term.

Mandy I have to agree with you on this one!! Full heartedly!! As parents of young adults it is extremely important to do what is good/right for them, to take what you want or would like out of the equation!! To be unselfish!! To love them enough to let them go!!

Parents can not live thru their children, they HAVE to live and experience life on their own. We should support them unconditionally and unselfishly as much as we can and give them the feedom to do what is good for THEM!!! Without making them feel guilty about not being around us.

We have 3 children oldest 24 he's married and lives 5000 km away from us, our daughter 23, also lives more than 10 000 away from us. We see them maybe once every 18months and that is good, as they are independant and living their lives as they should and wish. Our youngest are now living with us (he is 20) because we mannaged to get him into Aus on our visa. He however lived alone in SAfrica for 3 years while studying.

Offcourse I miss them, offcourse I would love to have them around the corner, but they are independant and successful in their own right!! And I am extremely proud of all of them!!!!!

So to all you parents out there please mind not to let your children feel obligated to you in this process!!

[UnsureGC]

Hi everyone - again

Thanks to all your reponses... its has been so good to read everyones feedback and I have actually been surprised that I have had to much sympathy. I posted a similar question about 2 years ago on another site and got the most revolting responses that made me feel totally stupid for ever consideribg moving back. So thank you everyone... I feel must better to know that its not only me finding this settling in and immigration thing so hard.

I think that it makes it very hard that none of my friends or family back home ever talk or consider moving away - whenever we are home on holiday they ask us when we are moving back home. I think this does confuse me cos why would they be asking that if things were so bad and if they were so bad why are they not also trying to get out.

Just so you know, I am 27 and my husband is 29 so we are now entering into that new phase in our lives where everyone is getting married and starting a family... all very exciting and of course we are missing out on it all.

Don't get me wrong, I am extremely greatful for my opportunity of being here and I will become a citizen around August this year and will be very pleased once I receive this. I am also sure I will find my feet - my husband is just fantastic and listens to all my thoughts and emotions with such sensitivity... he really does understand my point of view. For now we will definately be here until mid next year - I am hoping that God will show us the way and where we are meant to be.

Thanks again to all your responses and I am glad this post has helped so many people...

P.S. Just remember - I came here with the wrong attitude, so already I was 2 steps behind everyone else... if you have the right attitude and you have left SA with it being your decision you will already be in a better starting block than me. Good luck to you all

[Milada (Ms Maritz)]

I completely understood this but did not want to come.

You are halfway through the healing process if you know the reasons for your feelings.... And as you have said in your previous post, you came with the wrong attitude. But still, even going with the right attitude, can lead to uncertainty.

13 years ago we had to move to Secunda from Kriel .... I was real excited about the change and everything. And then just one day - being here for about 2 months, I just got really depressed. Not just feeling blue - really depressed! I couldn't make friends, the church community wasn't as friendly, the social clubs didn't allow children to attend, the smell of Sasol was worst than the smell in Kriel (from Eskom).... I didn't like it here at all - although I was very exited to move. I even phoned my husband at work.... crying... "I don't want to live here!"

But somehow I got better, and started working. The most important thing that got me through the depression - my dearest husband! I am really happy here now, but must admit I am also very keen on leaving the smell behind!

So, yes, I am also wary of the move to Australia - I am really scared (but a lot more aware) of depression. Hang in there - we are all thinking of you!

[Kurkprop]

Hi Unsure

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Hugs to you mate.

Emmigrating is really the hardest thing I have ever done, that's for sure!

The reason I picked "Kurkprop" as my forum name is because when you emmigrate you really have to be like one. When you leave behind your country, family, friends and everything that is familiar to you, you have to struggle to not sink into the "depths of despair" (as Anne of Green Gables would have put it ) You just have to keep on rising up back to the surface, get another breath, and brace yourself for the next wave of difficulty.

And it doesn't make it easy when you see how some people in South Africa carry on with their lives. I regularly hear about all the exciting things my cousins in SA do - weekends away to Mozambique where they eat prawns by the bucket load, hikes to the Drakensberge, trips to Cape Town, Christmas/ other holidays with my aunt on the farm or just sommer impromptu visits to various members of our large clan of extended family involving braais and chats deep into the night. I miss them so much and there have been so many times when I wondered whether I did the right thing. It must make it even harder to bear if you have the chance to keep on visiting them every year.

I didn't go "home" for ten years but last year I finally did (time just flies - i can't believe it was that long!!) - I went back to SA for 3 weeks in September 07(and when I'd initially booked the trip I thought 3 weeks wouldn't be nearly enough time over there, I thought I wanted to go there for 3 months!). Boy was it an eye opener in so many ways - not just shocking to see how South Africa has changed, but what surprised me the most was that after 3 weeks over there I was actually looking forward to getting back to life as I know it in Australia. I wanted to get back to Oz and see my beloved pets, my friends, go back to my Tuesday morning mothers' group, find out what was happening in the news back in Australia etc.

Even though I loved visiting all my relatives, sitting on the stoep eating melktert, at the same time something wasn't quite right - I felt uncomfortable sitting there on my backside like some lady of leisure when maids twice my age were cleaning up around me... The high walls and barbed wire also seemed really foreign to me. I started looking forward to going back to my dirty, crappy little house in Australia where I don't have a high wall or burglar bars and I'm the one who cleans it myself (infrequently, I have to admit )

Then I suddenly thought, hey, at what point did I start thinking of Australia as "home"?! I'm not even sure what the answer is but it must have happened at some stage over the course of 12 years without me even knowing! I married an Ozzie and had a baby here and even then didn't realise that Oz was now my home - sounds really weird, maybe I'm just thick or something I think it might just slowly creep up on you over the years, and the amount of time it takes varies from person to person. But I'm so glad that my Ozzie daughter won't have any of the baggage to deal with that one inevitably has to face when living over there. That nonsense stops with me. She's a blank slate, and can make a fair go of things over here. And that makes me soooooo convinced that all this heartache and longing that I felt and still feel is 100% worth it.

I hope things continue to improve for you over there. You are going through a dip right now but you will bounce back up. Maybe go for a nice long walk on one of the beautiful beaches over there and soak up the nice fresh air. Speaking of fresh air, my dog just let rip right next to me (wasn't me I promise) so freash air is something I'm not getting at the moment! On that note, I think it is time to log of and go to bed! All the best mate

[Kilemim]

Hahaha

Mate, you really are something. Whatever pink little pills you're taking - I want some as well. I'll give my left arm to sit in one of your classes - at least my English will improve.

Think I'm going to have the giggles all night - Dr Crab's pink pills or not.

You want me to speak in more simple English? Do you even understand English? Is that the only thing you can point out regarding my informative thread about the TRUTH; The real politics about South Africa's Strife?

Mauritz. What are you on about? If you've got something to say you may as well say it. At least I am on pills, if you actually understand simple English maybe then you will catch my drift. If you have jackals dung to say why dont you shut it. You have not added anything positive to this thread.

Yes, those English classes should be of enormous benefit to you.

[Dugong]

huh? where did this come from???

[Mara]

Lion King, don't stress it, just ignore those two, Kilemim does not appear to be happy here and has an axe to grind and Mauritz enjoys baiting him!

[Dugong]

Gotcha! So, moving on swiftly....

Interesting thread - I have not moved, so everything I have to say is theoretical (qualification for any stupid statements below!!)

I don't understand the attachement to South Africa thing. Family I can understand, fear of the new/unknown I understand, fear of discovery or not being able to fit in... All these I understand and can see how they would apply to different people in different proportions, but attachment to South Africa I do not understand.

Not because of good or bad, I just don't understand attachement to a country - people, animals etc yes... what is it about RSA that you all miss? Surely you take being " South African " with you, but its the people etc that you cannot take with you that you miss?

[Springbok]

Maybe your problem is that your visiting SA far to often. Actually, sounds as though you havent left SA at all.

I agree 100% with choog - in your mind you have never left South Africa, that's probably why you feel unsettled. So I think you must start convincing yourself that Australia is HOME now and believe it. And don't visit S.A. so often, you're not doing yourself any favours.

I have been here for 9 months now and do not intend to go back to South Africa for the annual Christmas holiday with family. Actually I do not intend to go back, ever. I have seen 99% of South Africa so will rather have my family visit me in Australia and then see a new part of this beautiful country every time they come here.

[no longer interested]

So I think you must start convincing yourself that Australia is HOME now and believe it. And don't visit S.A. so often, you're not doing yourself any favours.

absolutely and oh one other thing if your a Christian beaut just dont expect the rest of Aus to be

[MannyT]

Hi Guys and Girls

Nothing wrong with staying in the RSA!

Nohing wrong with leaving the RSA!

Nothing wrong with going back to the RSA.

Life is all about choices.

Australia does however provide South Africans and citizens of other countries with a great opportunity to live in a robust (and relatively safe) first world democracy.

If you have moved to Australia and are not happy here, you are welcome to return to the RSA.................. no worries mate.

For me and many other South Africans (and citizens of many other countries) who now call Australia home, getting PR/citizenship in Australia was like winning first prize in the lottery of life.

Do I miss my mom? absolutely- she died in the RSA in !990. Do I miss my brother? absolutely - he died in the RSA in 1991. Do I miss my dad? absolutely - he died overseas in 2006. Do I miss my yougest son? absolutely - he works and lives in Bermuda. BUT IT IS NOT AUSTRALIA'S FAULT..............

Happy to be me........and to live in Australia.

Enjoy!

Manny

Edited February 17, 2008 by MannyT

[no longer interested]

Life is all about choices.

For me and many other South Africans (and citizens of many other countries) who now call Australia home, getting PR/citizenship in Australia was like winning first prize in the lottery of life.

[Delphi]

Dear UnsureGC,

All the best for the future!!! Hope you find happiness--whatever you decide to do!

[Doortjie]

Hi Unsure

You are so brave to open your heart like that. Just know that you’ve helped people by doing it – many of my friends ask to hear about the “negatives†of moving to Australia. And even though these are not real “negativesâ€, it is good to know that the emotional road is really, really rocky and hard…

You are so close to really settling in and embracing life Down Under. Just hang in there. Your mind is already convinced, it’s just the emotional part that is still hanging on to the “good old days.â€

Just remember, sometimes family and friends don’t want to share their honest opinion of what is going on in SAfrica.

Partly because they don’t WANT to believe it themselves. They still need to cope with circumstances everyday and once they doubt their own choices it becomes harder for them to also cope with missing a family member - you!

So, just maybe everything is not as good as it seems through their eyes…

All the best!

[NikkiH]

Here's my 2c worth....

The fact is that it is mainly push factors from RSA that makes people leave and not pull factors from Aussie. We are pushed to leave because of all the problems we encounter in RSA and so we look for something else. In your case you were not looking forward to anything in Aus, so you may find it even harder to settle and love or even like the place. And after a while those rose tinted glasses appear and those push factors dont seem that bad anymore, but the missing of your familiar surroundings and family and not being in your comfort zone, is in your face daily.

I really do believe that it is a mind set that needs to be changed. You need to be actively trying to see the pull factors and then enjoy them! So enjoy everything that Aus has to offer.

Give it your best shot, and really try to enjoy the place. It does not need to be the last place you ever live, so see it as the place you are now and try to get involved and enjoy it. If you still want to go back once you have your citizenship, then go back and give it a go there. You will have all the family etc, but I think you may find that you will miss the freedom of Aus. You need to be your own person - live your own life - not the one your family wants you to live, but the one that makes you happy.

Many people live in RSA and will never leave. That is their decision and they must live with the consequenses of that decision - good or bad. The fact is that there is a lot of bad there if you care to look. But many people prefer not to look and to live around the bad, and just accept it. If you are willing to play the crime lotto and live around the bad - just accepting and ignoring it. Then I believe you can be happy there. Cos you will only deal with the nice aspects of RSA. Hopefully you will not be made to face the bad by having it affect yourself or your family. That is why people leave, they were victims of crime or they just could not ignore the bad any longer. But it certainly is possible to ignore it and to even never be touched by it. That is why so many will stay.

So to sum up my meanderings above:

1. Try to be happy now, cos you are here now and will be for a while still so try to enjoy it and dont worry too much - you are still young and have many options open to you

2. Go back when you have your aus passport, cos you can always come back then if RSA is not what you hoped for

3. Make up your own mind and dont let others influence you too much, but make sure it is an informed decision not just based on emotion.

This is your life and you must make the most of it, good luck with your decisions!

[Doortjie]

Well said, NikkiH!

[UnsureGC]

So to sum up my meanderings above:

1. Try to be happy now, cos you are here now and will be for a while still so try to enjoy it and dont worry too much - you are still young and have many options open to you

2. Go back when you have your aus passport, cos you can always come back then if RSA is not what you hoped for

3. Make up your own mind and dont let others influence you too much, but make sure it is an informed decision not just based on emotion.

This is your life and you must make the most of it, good luck with your decisions!

Thank you Nikki - that was a great posting and I think all of your points is how I am feeling at the moment. I am not sure I will go back to give it a try but at least once I have my passport I have that option.

[Dedrei]

I can totally relate to your post UnsureGC. We have been in Aus now almost 2 years. Both 28. Wasn't an easy ride at all. I always had it in the back of my head and the doubt, we'll probably go back as all our family is in SA. Well all of that is in the past. I had days that I just cried and cried.

We went on a trip back to SA in November after being away for 19 months. It was a real eye opener for me. I can truly say this trip helped me get over that "coming back" thing. While in SA, I felt out of place and didn't like what was going on. I can honestly say I had the lightbulb moment in SA and realised that my home is in Aus now and felt at peace with our decision.

So maybe you need to do a trip back to SA, just to see what is going on for yourself. I am sure you will be a changed person after this trip.

[Delphi]

That's the thing--all about options!!!!!

[BeeTee]

edited om eerder stil te bly

Edited February 19, 2008 by BeeTee

[Guest mrs mupersan]

edited om eerder stil te bly

[Mikej]

Been here 4 months and the taste of freedom is so strong I will never go back. Not for a visit, a funeral or any other reason.

I had the misfortune of having to phone my bank in South Africa yesterday. It was the first time in months that I had to do "business" with someone in SA and speaking to those people again gives me the real perspective of comparing the Australians to them and I am so glad they are an ocean away.

[Ozzie Girl Now]

Ek kan regtig met jou simpatiseer want ek is nou al amper 3 jaar hier en vind dit baie moeilik. Ons het geen familie hier nie almal bly nog in RSA. Ek gaan nie my land sleg sê nie want ek sal altyd 'n Suid-Afrikaaner bly in my hart al gebeur wat, maar wat jy ookal besluit jy moet maar net bly bid en vir Die Here vra om my die regte antwoord te gee en dan dink ek terug op die lewens koste en wat met ons gebeur het dan gee dit my krag weer om moed te hê vir 'n rukkie.

Hoop dit help