Honest opinions, will I fail or get over my attitude?

[vitchie]

Hi all

I Landed here a week and a half ago and I am really battling. I have had a very soft landing. I Come without family and living with friends. Everyone here is very helpful, packing me lunches, making me dinner, dropping me at the train station etc. I have also met with 3-4 different South African friends. I have a well-paying job in North Sydney and that is going just so so. A small startup company that don't really seem to know what they are doing. I don't suspect that I would last here for long.

My issue, I don't think I am committed enough for this. My wife and kids are still in South Africa, they packed our container last Friday. I asked the shipping company to store the stuff in South Africa first as I am having serious second thoughts.

I'm not looking for justifications to stay, just your honest opinion if you guys think it is possible to make it through this tough process with my frame of mind.

I come from a relatively comfortable position in South Africa and I am 36. Having a decent income but much in terms of life/retirement savings. My kids are 11 and 6, with the youngest starting school next year.

I have had some doubts before I left, but eventually "just closed my eyes and jumped", hoping I could reconcile my heart with my mind here. In my head I know the reasons, but I don't feel the same in my heart.

I am worried about the following:
1. The guilt of leaving brothers, sisters and parents behind is consuming me. We have no family here and we are a closely-knit family that regularly see and support each other. They also play a major role my our kids' lives.
2. Retirement. We are coming here with very little savings, the kind that can be wiped out in 3 months. Not sure how we will ever buy property. From what I see the Australian super/pension is designed with the assumption that you will own some sort of property by retirement age.
3. Identity. I am losing myself. There are parts of my personality, be it good or bad that I would need to kill off completely to make this transition. How can I be a proper father to my kids in their formative year if I have no idea of who I am anymore. I have never struggled with depression, but since starting the application process in 2015 I have so depressed. Now that I am here in Sydney I am borderline suicidal.
4. Decision-making/ticking boxes. I found that some of the reasons for our decision is has been, "we have done so much, we cannot give up now." I am wondering is that really a good enough reason if you're not convinced in your heart?
5. Regrets. We spent a lot of money on this process so far. We have also sold our house and found a new job for the domestic. I would still rather regret those and restart in SA than regret disrupting my kid's lives in their formative years by moving to Oz and back to SA 6 months later.
6. Career. I need time to regain my confidence in my career. This past year really affected my confidence. I only started doing c# development again at the beginning of 2015 (after doing other non development related product work for 7 years). Without a network or any familiarity I am really just a beginner now. I cannot adjust to a new life/everything in Australia while I am essentially relearning my job too. 

The reasoning we used yesterday to keep us carry on is to maybe rent a furnished apartment for 6 months and see how it goes and keep our stuff in storage in SA for a while. I definitely cannot commit to 2-4 years yet. We even kept our daughter's places in their school in SA.

The issue is that my wife will probably resent me for not allowing them the chance to also experience it here, but moving back after a longer period just seems too disruptive to the kids for me.

My opinion, which might be wrong, is that a lot of people last it out, not because they want to, but because they have to. For reason like:

•     Kids adjusted but parents not. Cannot uproot the kids again
•     One parent adjusted and other not. 
•     Cannot afford to go back. 
•     Pride

 

I am also flying back on 22 December and have our 1 way tickets booked for 27 December. Oh how I am dreading that trip seeing everyone having to say goodbye.

 

I know my attitude is completely wrong. I just want to ask everyone, have you seen anyone with my kind of attitude get here and change enough eventually to adapt for the better, or does it seem unlikely?

I would really appreciate your honest opinions.

Edited November 29, 2016 by vitchie

[RedPanda]

No, it's not about 'who has it worst', but I personally find there is benefit to be gained from a little perspective. In our street they started working on upgrading the power lines shortly after we moved in, and because it's a busy street they put in a little stop-go. We looked at all of this and thought: Wow, amazing, they are fixing/upgrading infrastructure! Only to find that all the locals were complaining about how the stop-go (5min max) was ruining their trips and made them late! The only difference was that we knew first hand what it was like to watch the infrastructure fall into disrepair. So were the Aussies spoilt? Maybe. But it would also be wrong to say that it shouldn't have affected them at all, if that was the worst traffic incident they had faced in the past month, for them it warranted comment. What I mean by this is that it always helps to put your experience into perspective and consider what you could have had, both ways. It doesn't change your circumstance, but it helps to feel grateful for the things you do have, instead of focusing on the things you don't.

Warning: Rant...(Those running RSA down)
I also agree that it's not healthy to prop up your 'happiness' (or lets be honest, your sense of superiority, because that's what you're doing) by running others down. If you want to be good, be good, don't just be better than that person, who you've just bad mouthed. Sies! It doesn't matter what other people think about what you've done, as long as you are happy with your decision. You don't have to badger everyone around you into agreeing vocally with your point of view, for you to have it or for it to be right for you. It's fine to differ from friends and family on any particular view, as long as you permit each other have your own view. Basically: It's not a personal insult when someone disagrees with you, don't treat it that way.
Done

It's fine to talk to someone about the reasons why you left South Africa, and certainly quite a few of those will be because of negative things (like crime, economy, racism...), but it's healthy to acknowledge the whole balanced picture, including the things that are wonderful in South Africa, and the things that you miss. Emigration entails a full mourning process emotionally, for all the things that you lose, even if you choose to lose them, it still hurts: time with family and friends, a home you have invested time and effort in, a good work environment, and feeling like you have been around long enough to know how most things work. It's not just a simple case of tallying up the pros and cons and feeling resulting amount of happy. People are complex emotional beings, even though we like to ignore it  

Thanks, to everyone who shares their thoughts here. There are always multiple views and experiences in a group, and it helps if at least one other person says they know what you are talking about.

[SimpleSimon]

My comments aren’t about whether Australia is better or how hard others experience immigration. It’s about framing our situation to feel the happiest. I always considered this move to Australia wasn’t irreversible or the end of our journey. I committed to enjoy the experience and see the best in everything. It makes me happy.

My story about my Iranian friend is how optimistic and happy she is after experiencing some terrible times. She inspires me.

Edited May 8, 2018 by SimpleSimon

[Shellfish]

These issues certainly aren't specific to SA. The number of Brits I've come across, who love their lifestyle in aus and wouldn't change it for anything but come December suddenly have a hankering for cold, dark wintery Christmasses,  inside with the heating on, watching bad tv and being with family. 

I feel awful when I think of my kids growing up without their grandparents and cousins however, we are here so that they can live their lives (hopefully) surrounded by their parents, siblings and children.  

Also, much of my family and friends from SA are now scattered around the world. It will never be the way it was when I was a child.  

Edited May 17, 2018 by Shellfish

[Africangirl]

Ha, Shellfish, that’s got me giggling. I do feel sorry for the Brits because home is just soooo much further away. I don’t think there’s any easy answer to this.. 

[Brad76]

4 hours ago, Shellfish said:

These issues certainly aren't specific to SA. The number of Brits I've come across, who love their lifestyle in aus and wouldn't change it for anything but come December suddenly have a hankering for cold, dark wintery Christmasses,  inside with the heating on, watching bad tv and being with family. 

 

With the heat come December, I have a hankering for a cold, dark wintery Christmas!!

[Rhyss]

17 hours ago, Brad76 said:

With the heat come December, I have a hankering for a cold, dark wintery Christmas!!

when we arrived in Perth we were faced with some scorching summer days. On weekends we quickly learnt to follow the locals. Get up early and head down to the beach by 8am, home by 11:30am. Kids buggered from early start, sun, sand and salt. We'd spend the rest of the day hanging out around the pool or the air conditioned house. Come late afternoon the sea breeze was well in so either off to the beach or it was just about bearable to so some gardening. The beach vote usually won

 

PS, according to research done by the Homecoming Revolution, weather was the main reason for Saffas wanting to leave UK.

[Piet1234]

1 hour ago, Rhyss said:

 

PS, according to research done by the Homecoming Revolution, weather was the main reason for Saffas wanting to leave UK.

 

My main reason for leaving the UK is because my wife told me she wants to move to Aus.

 

I can second Shellfish's comment on Dec in Britain. I absolutely love the Christmas season over here, they really do go all out. Even with the years which my family couldn't make it over, just being able to do all the activities here with the kids is awesome.

 

Actually, any of the holidays here are amazing, Easter, Halloween, Bonfire Night and Christmas. My son looks forward to those much more than his birthday...

 

 

[ChrisH]

17 hours ago, Rhyss said:

weather was the main reason for Saffas wanting to leave UK.

 

It's also the main reason for pommies leaving the UK! Last year there was x3.7 the amount of British emigrating to Australia compared to South Africans.

[ChrisH]

This post by @SimpleSimon is very relevant to this discussion.  It will be hard, but she'll be right!