Honest opinions, will I fail or get over my attitude?

[vitchie]

Hi all

I Landed here a week and a half ago and I am really battling. I have had a very soft landing. I Come without family and living with friends. Everyone here is very helpful, packing me lunches, making me dinner, dropping me at the train station etc. I have also met with 3-4 different South African friends. I have a well-paying job in North Sydney and that is going just so so. A small startup company that don't really seem to know what they are doing. I don't suspect that I would last here for long.

My issue, I don't think I am committed enough for this. My wife and kids are still in South Africa, they packed our container last Friday. I asked the shipping company to store the stuff in South Africa first as I am having serious second thoughts.

I'm not looking for justifications to stay, just your honest opinion if you guys think it is possible to make it through this tough process with my frame of mind.

I come from a relatively comfortable position in South Africa and I am 36. Having a decent income but much in terms of life/retirement savings. My kids are 11 and 6, with the youngest starting school next year.

I have had some doubts before I left, but eventually "just closed my eyes and jumped", hoping I could reconcile my heart with my mind here. In my head I know the reasons, but I don't feel the same in my heart.

I am worried about the following:
1. The guilt of leaving brothers, sisters and parents behind is consuming me. We have no family here and we are a closely-knit family that regularly see and support each other. They also play a major role my our kids' lives.
2. Retirement. We are coming here with very little savings, the kind that can be wiped out in 3 months. Not sure how we will ever buy property. From what I see the Australian super/pension is designed with the assumption that you will own some sort of property by retirement age.
3. Identity. I am losing myself. There are parts of my personality, be it good or bad that I would need to kill off completely to make this transition. How can I be a proper father to my kids in their formative year if I have no idea of who I am anymore. I have never struggled with depression, but since starting the application process in 2015 I have so depressed. Now that I am here in Sydney I am borderline suicidal.
4. Decision-making/ticking boxes. I found that some of the reasons for our decision is has been, "we have done so much, we cannot give up now." I am wondering is that really a good enough reason if you're not convinced in your heart?
5. Regrets. We spent a lot of money on this process so far. We have also sold our house and found a new job for the domestic. I would still rather regret those and restart in SA than regret disrupting my kid's lives in their formative years by moving to Oz and back to SA 6 months later.
6. Career. I need time to regain my confidence in my career. This past year really affected my confidence. I only started doing c# development again at the beginning of 2015 (after doing other non development related product work for 7 years). Without a network or any familiarity I am really just a beginner now. I cannot adjust to a new life/everything in Australia while I am essentially relearning my job too. 

The reasoning we used yesterday to keep us carry on is to maybe rent a furnished apartment for 6 months and see how it goes and keep our stuff in storage in SA for a while. I definitely cannot commit to 2-4 years yet. We even kept our daughter's places in their school in SA.

The issue is that my wife will probably resent me for not allowing them the chance to also experience it here, but moving back after a longer period just seems too disruptive to the kids for me.

My opinion, which might be wrong, is that a lot of people last it out, not because they want to, but because they have to. For reason like:

•     Kids adjusted but parents not. Cannot uproot the kids again
•     One parent adjusted and other not. 
•     Cannot afford to go back. 
•     Pride

 

I am also flying back on 22 December and have our 1 way tickets booked for 27 December. Oh how I am dreading that trip seeing everyone having to say goodbye.

 

I know my attitude is completely wrong. I just want to ask everyone, have you seen anyone with my kind of attitude get here and change enough eventually to adapt for the better, or does it seem unlikely?

I would really appreciate your honest opinions.

Edited November 29, 2016 by vitchie

[SurferMan]

Hey there @vitchie

 

First and foremost, welcome to Aus brother!  You are in well trodden territory my friend, so take succour from that fact and also that we are here to help as best we can, anytime. I will do my best to give you advice and encouragement. Now, to the Batmobile and let's tackle your points shall we?

 

1: We had an old aunt, a niece n nephew when we landed but in real terms the same as you, SOLO all the way. No support base, no mates. You CAN do this. We did, so did many others. The key take away for me was: Since when was this a race to make mates, have dinners/BBQ's, get promoted etc? Take your time, it will happen and will happen on your terms, nobody elses. I was close knit as well, but now am close knit with Aussies. My family is tighter than ever and we love each other like never before.

2: I came here with $6000 and the clothes on my back. I had game farms, luxury properties, a putting green on my main property, a butler (yes and SAA folk will come out now to rag me incessantly for this! ) I lost it all to come here. Best thing that ever happended to me, the scales fell off my eyes. On the way I have been knocked down a few times, to the point where I wondered how I was gonna feed the family. God never failed me. Not once. We have been here 6 years and are only now getting ready to buy a property. Takeaway, it will happen, on your terms and in good time. Remove the SA mentality and pressure on yourself - must have house, must have cars etc. You will get there bro, take it easy, look out the window, enjoy the view. You have health, a great new opportunity to write your story into history, all over again. How good is that? No baggage to speak of in real terms.

3: Let's unpack this carefully. Disclaimer - I am not a shrink. I am going to be frank, I may be right or wrong, but everyone here knows I speak my mind. I dont believe you are losing yourself, I thnk you are going through the same thing I did, realising how many superficial layers life in SA made you put on, mostly subconsciously. Note "parts of my personality" If these are YOU, keep them, if not, drop them in your wake, they are only weighing you down. You are a great dad, trust me. There is not a father I know of who has not has his moment of doubt. Heck I have them often. It's okay mate, they happen. Takeway, listen to the lesson life is teaching, learn, apply, move on. As for the last bit, if you mean that, I strongly suggest you pick up the phone and call a counselling line, they are free in Australia and are better equipped to deal with that than I ever could be.

4: Hmm, a hard one this. If you made the decision, you need to have the game to push through. Where is the finish line? Only you will know, again nobody should give you a definition. We took some time to settle in, but now we cannot imagine ever living in SA.

5: Try give it a go mate. Remember the WHY you started this in the first place. For me, I cast my life forward 20 years and wonder how much support I could expect from the SA government. 1 nanosecond later I realise=nothing. Aus is my home.

6: You can adjust, getting into C#, that is great in the SAP space you can code for the new HANA platform and make a killing. From what I am reading in point 6, you are hedging your bets, a sure way to fail. My view is you committ to a course and see it through. Not to mention the cost of hedging bets on SA and Aus. Harsh I may be, but you did ask for an honest view!

 

Forget pride, its the LAST thing you need on your mind. What is at stake is your kids, your missus and you. If that is your vector, overlay your reasons for leaving SA, then plot your path. From there it should be fairly clear.

 

Some final words:

 

Laugh, dont take it all so seriously, common Saffer problem.

It's darkest before dawn.

You. Can. Do. It.

 

Cheers

Surferman

 

 

[zamunda]

Hi Vitchie

 

Firstly welcome to Aus. I do understand your situation and how difficult it must be. We've been here three years and went through a lot bigger emotional roller coaster than most do. I posted about this some time back. Please click here to read the post.

 

A week and half is not enough at all to settle into a new country. In fact when moving to another town with in the same country or even moving houses, it takes quite a while to fully settle in. So in a brand new country, it will take a fair bit of time.

 

We don't have kids so worrying about the next generations' future was not something we had to look at.

 

We did not move to Aus because we did not have a choice. Also, despite the settling down challenges, our decision to stick it out was not because we had no choice. However, we kept focused on the reasons we decided to make the move and this was the driver that got us to stick out. Three years later, we look back and we have come to adopt into the new life style, the new culture and happy we made the move.

 

I firmly believe that we make choices in life and these choices come with a price to pay. The important questions is whether the price out weighs the benefits and if so then it is worth it. However, to figure it out one has to give it a reasonable amount of time. If one is to give it a go, then one also needs to be prepared to change attitudes, focus on the positives whilst being aware of the challenges. Not the other way around. 

 

Each one of us in this forum and also those close to you will provide you with all the support and advice you may need. But at the end of the day, the final decision is yours. Only you can chart your own path. Once you make that decision, give it your 150% and make it work. Life is too short to dwell in regrets.

Edited November 29, 2016 by zamunda

[JoVincent]

10 hours ago, vitchie said:

 

Hi Johann. We are doing a bit better thanks. We actually returned to South Africa for Christmas and never went back to Australia. A few month down the line and we are doing the move again. I'm still not sure if we can do it forever, but I am committing to staying 4 years and getting that passport. After that we can make a more informed decision.

 

Hang in there @vitchie, it's the toughest thing you will ever do (it has been for me). I also come from a close knit family and had a lot of the same anxieties & fears as you (and as do so many of us in this process). Well done on committing to the 4 years, I believe this is a good step forward and if you approach it this way and it helps you with the move then that's the way to go. You will probably find that after 4 years you are well settled into your lives in Aus and see all of the positives, and will struggle to move back to SA. Everyone's journey is different, and your minds got to be right to make it work, so just keep going and see how you feel once you have your citizenship. At least then you can allay that one fear of yours, the "but we've invested and done so much already we have to continue". Because then you have those all valuable passports in hand! But I do believe after 4 years you will be feeling differently and have a different perspective. You're in a really tough and dark stage of it, the leaving - the guilt of leaving parents/siblings/friends, the anxieties & fear of leaving your career/home/comforts, and fear of whether you will adapt & be happy in aus. I must say that since we arrived, it's been so busy and fun exploring all the amazing things it has to offer - that these fears have quickly melted away. Come as a family - if you can try to give yourself a week off work to explore the sights, beaches, playgrounds etc. Look at how happy your kids are, that certainly helps too. 

 

Anyway - wishing you all the best in your process. If I remember right you went to Sydney initially? We are in Sydney and happy to help in anyway, meet up for a BBQ (can't call these gas things braais ?), chat, just send me an inbox message for our numbers.

 

Keep strong! 

 

 

[Alchemist]

I do honestly think the reason you are going is imperative to how you handle. 

 

Cons: you will always be an immigrant   Pros: your kids wont

Cons: financially very hard at first          Pros: you can eventually get in to the property market and even if you don't, not end of world (they have social welfare)

Cons: Limited support ie no family         Pros: you can learn to be independent and your kids as well (lots of expats int he same boat)

Cons: Far from SA                                 Pros: Far from SA    

Cons: High cost of living                        Pros: Rising costs in SA making SA unstable as a future for children

Cons: being less SAFFER                     Pros: Getting that Aussie Passport  

Cons: Less disposable income             Pros: Can live more outdoors without the violent crime hanging over your head

[Odendaal]

Hi vitchie

 

Let me just start off by saying that we do not have children.

 

However, we came here for the future that our children would otherwise not have if we stayed in South Africa. And by "future" I mean amazing lifestyle, no BEE, international opportunities, no fear of being hurt, true freedom and the list goes on. 

 

What I am getting at is that yes, you as the parents may or may not fully adjust to the way it is here in Australia however, you are providing your children the priceless gift of opportunity that they will not get in SA. 

 

I have been depressed since moving here because of the identity issue you mentioned however, you need to focus your energy on what is right for your children and the rest will follow. 

 

PS I am sure that a lot of your uncertainties will ease away once your family is here as well. 

 

Mel

[SML]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. Emigration is tough! My husband & I battled for the first few months too. I gave up a good job there, my husband got offered the job of his dreams in SA the day we flew & the kids were in a very good school. We re-homed our dogs too which was devastating. We came with no savings and thought that we would never be able to save again. BUT, 18/12 months in, we know we have done the right thing. We still miss our friends and contact with family is tricky due to the time difference. 

To answer your points:

1. We too have no family here. We have left my folks in SA & they have no children left in SA. I feel very guilty but they are happy that we are here and getting settled. We made the hard decision so that our kids don't have to. I don't want our kids to feel guilty when they have to leave SA. 

2. Retirement. I think that you will be better off here for retirement even though you are starting off building super later. The cost of retiring in SA is huge. Frail care is soooo expensive and medical aid just goes up and up. The cost of living in SA is going up too and we know people who can't retire there as they can't afford it. 

3. I'm not surprised you are feeling depressed. Being away from your wife and kids makes it worse! When we were feeling down, at least we had our kids with us and seeing them so happy helped so much! We could also do things as a family and experience things together. 

4. the decisions for the move do get overtaken by the admin & then we forget all the initial concerns re staying in SA. 

5. My opinion is that you won't regret trying something, you may very well regret not trying. We tried living in UK, were happy but knew it wasn't where we wanted to be long term. We also tried Germany(where my in-laws live) but the language was hard & I couldn't work there. It cost us a fortune and sometimes we wonder if we should have just given it a skip but, it was a great experience and worth trying. We went back to SA & we were happy for a while but then all the doubts came back about staying and then we moved to Oz. You can always go back to SA. 

6. career, it took me 6 months to adapt to the way things work here. Now, I feel confident and it helps a lot! 

 

6 months isn't long enough to settle somewhere. But, you need to do what makes you happy. Another but, try and focus on the positives in Sydney, it does get better and having your family with you will make an enormous difference. Whenever I'm feeling a bit unsure of our move(yes, still gets those days), i try think of the good things here. It might be worthwhile seeing a psychologist to help with the adjustment process. Hope that helps. 

 

Good luck! 

[Yuvi]

Hi @vitchie, how you doing? I can relate to some of your hardships, Not all as i do not have kids.

 

Whilst i may not have any advice to give apart from saying hang in there(i have only been here 6 months myself), i work in the city and not to far from North Sydney so if you ever want to meetup and chat over a beer, even on the weekend just give me a shout ;-)

Take care.

[Mara]

@vitchie, I have been conversing with newcomers for the past 23 years, I could have been well off by now, if I had a $ for every person that had doubts when they first arrived. It is a huge upheaval in your life that you have taken on, often said that it is as traumatic as divorce... so... hang in there, it will get better.

 

My experience and those of many others, is that you have to give it 2 years, it often takes that long to settle and feel comfortable in your new surroundings.
 

We have been gone 23 years, and I still often feel lonely, miss my family, especially at Christmas, but I know, IN MY HEART, it is the best decision we ever made, especially for our children. We left at the age of 44 with two boys aged 23 and 17... we are all happy and have done well.

 

This is going to sound awful, but I have never heard a better saying, than the following: you are not responsible for your parents/brothers/sisters, but you are responsible to giving your children a future where they can do whatever their heart pleases. HUGE DIFFERENCE between South Africa and Australia.

[TakeItOnTheChin]

@vitchie, hang in there mate, this is the best decision you have made. I think your emotions are all over the place at the moment because you are in a foreign, new environment and you also miss your family. Once your family are with you I am sure you will be able gather your thoughts and have more clarity about the future. I have had to move to many parts of the world due to work, it was always more difficult when I went over without the family at first, but was great when we joined up permanently. Don't make too many rash decisions at this time. Your effort to give your family a better future will pay off.

 

I have been in Oz before but will be arriving permanently this Sunday. I will be landing with my family in Sydney for a week and then making my way up north, to where, I am not sure yet! Can you believe it, we are landing on Sunday and don't know where we will be moving to, cause it depends on the outcome of an interview in Sydney on Monday - haha. Scary in some ways but as a family we see it as a bit of an adventure!

 

We can also hookup when we are in Sydney.

 

All the best, be strong, you need to make it happen!

[vitchie]

Thanks all, I will try to be positive and hold it together.

[Shellfish]

It is quite normal to have cold feet but to have gone from having no depression at all to having suicidal ideation? I would say that there is definitely an underlying mental health issue that I would look into, regardless of this particular outcome. 

Edited November 29, 2016 by Shellfish

[wonderer]

You are allowed to feel depressed, it's part of mourning. It's hard to feel and bear but that helps to digest the change.

 

Thank you for sharing so honestly, many of your points resonate with us and I'm looking forward again after a fearful spell. (we have another 6 months before we leave)

 

About the kids - they adjust must easier than we do. I had (have) similar fears. Our 10 year old is already having a difficult time, but I was reassured by forum member's experiences and many professionals echo-ing that they should be fine. You sound like a mindful dad.

 

hang in there!

 

[Dora]

Hey Vitchie,

 

Disclaimer:  a lot of rambling ahead, this is not a literature test for me - hopefully you can find some sence in this.

 

Gosh it is hard I know.  We have recently moved back to Aus for the second time and you would think that we made a deliberate decision to move here the second time so everything would be fine, but it is not.  Whatever was calling us back to SA, still is and whatever we did not like here, is still here.  The only way to figure this one out is unfortunately, for now, with your head and not your heart.  I have a very personal theory about people leaving family behind...and I know I might get crucified for this one, but here goes:  I believe that people whose parents have passed away already, or people who have broken family relationships generally find it not that difficult at all to break their family bonds in SA and to adjust here, and then you get people who have good solid family relationships where we often visited with our parents on both sides and the kids almost spent every other afternoon at their grandmothers house.  In fact, I think my kids have a better relationship with their grandmother than with me. To leave all that behind is hard.  You and your family that stays behind, will most likely go through a grieving process.  

 

Then there is the other issues which sounds more or less like the same issues we are currently struggling with i.e husband was on a good career track just before we left, we owned the type of house where you want to spend the next 30+ years in, the kids was happy in school, we had dogs, we had quality time with family and apart from the kids, our future outlook was not at all that bleak.  Now, at age 41, we are renting again, at the moment we have a lean budget (But we always have food on the table), we don't have a lot of savings, we have no idea how we're going to afford to buy a relatively decent house in the near future, and I see a lot of old people passing me every day and it does not look like they are well off at all - most of the time it looks like they are really struggling.  And I can't help myself wondering whether this really was a great idea.

 

BUT, all the above said, I still don't have any regrets. While back in SA I spent a lot of time reflecting on this issue and I have peace in my heart and in my mind that we did the right thing.  Yes, some days my heart fails on me and then my brain just have to kick in and do its work.  In light of everything that does not look all that great for us at the moment, I have hope in me that my God will not forsake me.  He is at rock bottom and everywhere in between.  You have to know that if the current situation in SA made you unhappy in your heart, that will not change when you move to Aus.  The unhappiness with Zuma will just be replaced about unhappiness in lets say your job.  You will have to find a way to rejoice whether in SA with Zuma or in Aus, away from your family and financial security.

 

I'm not sure if you are a believer at all, but I find that praying and asking God to be with my family and to help them get through this grieving process gives me alot of peace.  Also, we started this thing that when we have dinner, each one in the family have to say something that they are grateful for in the day, (I think some nights they are just plain grateful that I had the energy to have dinner made).  But keeping track of the blessings in your life really helps to get you through the difficult times.  

 

Go and get your family in December. Remember to go out and do nice things, (not the expensive stuff).  Don't sit in the house and get depressed. It's amazing what a walk next to the sea can do for your mood.  Embrace the new country with all it's challenges.  This does not have to be a life sentence - if you don't like it here, you can go back (my husband even had a budget for that the first time).  See this as an adventure that you might or might not like.  Don't see it as a failure if you decide to go back - see it as invaluable experience that you bought your family.  Do give it a decent chance - at least until citizenship.  Always keep your head high.  Nothing wrong with going on an anti depressant to just take the edge off of things.  I was also never depressed until I hit Australian shores.  I took the meds, and these days I cope well without.  

 

I am sure it will get better once your family is here.  What you experience is quite normal.  But do go and see someone with those suicidal thoughts. That is not something to take lightly. 

 

Whatever you decide, keep your chin up man. All the best.

 

Liz

Edited November 29, 2016 by Dora

[RYLC]

1 hour ago, Dora said:

 I believe that people whose parents have passed away already, or people who have broken family relationships generally find it not that difficult at all to break their family bonds in SA and to adjust here.

 

I'm sure the majority will say that they are close to their families but are doing this for their children's future and that it wasn't necessarily an easy choice.  Some see themselves as the trail blazer for the family, to provide a path for others who may decide to follow. Or at least be able to send money to relatives because our dollar goes so much further than rand.

 

My PERSONAL opinion is that it is definitely harder for Afrikaans families because their language and culture only exist in a very deep way in RSA where the roots are.  English speaking families have the shared British roots of many Australians as well as having "lived" in English all their lives.  The language barrier is lower - it's only the accent to get over.

 

 

1 hour ago, Dora said:

 Do give it a decent chance - at least until citizenship.

 

Please please please give it at least the amount of time to get citizenship.  Dora and family would not have been able to move back to Australia as they recently did without citizenship in their hands.  At least then you will have made all that money worthwhile if you move back.

 

I do think that in some ways your soft landing hasn't helped   Weird to say I know.  Thing is that all the running around with admin, job hunting etc keeps us busy when we first move over.  You have jumped straight past first and second base and are really still in the mourning phase without the busy-ness of finding your feet on the basics that your friends are taking care of. Like anybody in mourning for any reason, you must try to keep busy and around people so that you don't fall into a slump.  Have a look at meetup.com and get out and about.  This is just a season - like a dreary winter.  It will pass and the sun will come out again.

 

I just know that having your family here with the distraction of the kids and their school activities will make a world of difference to how you feel.  In the mean time, definitely go see a doctor and get some medication to take the edge off.  It is not "weak" to seek help.  Think of them as "migration pills" to ease your feelings for just the short term period.  It's going to be okay.

 

 

Edited November 29, 2016 by RYLC

[blung]

Vasbyt!

[JoleneB]

Hi everyone, this is Vitchie's wife, Jolene. I would just like to thank you all for your insight. It really helps reading this and knowing that we are not alone and that everyone goes through this! My husband has always been the strong person and the glue that holds our family together, but even strong people have their weak moments almost to breaking point. It's now my turn to be strong for my family and know that we have come this far for a reason. God would not have brought us to this point in our lives if he did not think we could make it work. I love what the following people have said:

6 hours ago, zamunda said:

 

We did not move to Aus because we did not have a choice. Also, despite the settling down challenges, our decision to stick it out was not because we had no choice. However, we kept focused on the reasons we decided to make the move and this was the driver that got us to stick out.

7 hours ago, SurferMan said:

Since when was this a race to make mates, have dinners/BBQ's, get promoted etc? Take your time, it will happen and will happen on your terms, nobody elses. I was close knit as well, but now am close knit with Aussies. My family is tighter than ever and we love each other like never before.

7 hours ago, SML said:

My opinion is that you won't regret trying something, you may very well regret not trying.

5 hours ago, Mara said:

 

This is going to sound awful, but I have never heard a better saying, than the following: you are not responsible for your parents/brothers/sisters, but you are responsible to giving your children a future where they can do whatever their heart pleases. HUGE DIFFERENCE between South Africa and Australia.

Also love Dora's post, thank you!

 

Once again, thanks for your input. We are going to give this a go and I am committed to giving it my all and making this work for my family and especially our 2 young daughters.

 

Cheers

Edited November 29, 2016 by JoleneB

[DXB2OZ]

Vitchie, based on moving to several new countries, I am going to offer the follow opinions:

 

1. There is no right or wrong way of doing this. There is the way which may work best for you.

 

2. The grieving process is absolutely normal and can often take people by surprise.

 

3. If you feel you are genuinely suffering from depression, consider seeing someone. I realise that this is an added expense that you probably feel is not needed, but you need to focus on the long term.

 

4. Perhaps look on this as a two year expat style adventure. Allow yourself the option to return after two years. In the interim, make the most of your time here.

 

5. You have been incredibly brave, firstly in making this leap and secondly in opening up about your vulnerabilities at this time. That in itself shows strength.

 

I came ahead of my husband with two kids. I was lucky in that I enjoyed my first job, but it had a definite shelf life. Moved to a second job which was a massive mistake and absolutely loving my third job. I have found that the first move out of SA can be the hardest - things that you never realised were unique to SA are suddenly not part of your life anymore. Finding niknaks in Coles can take on an importance that would seem insane a few months ago.

 

Hope we can help with support and encouragement. Remember, go or stay, nobody else can judge your decision. Best of luck.

[SurferMan]

@JoleneB

 

Nothing wrong with being scared and alone. He is in the middle of nowhere with his family far out of reach, but out of love range, that, never. Stay strong. You can do this! We are all cheering for you!

Edited November 29, 2016 by SurferMan

[Tntaglia]

You've received lots of good advice already. I just want to add to the mental health issue: If you need help, get it. There is no shame in getting help when you need to; I have myself been on antidepressants in the past and it made a HUGE difference. Life can be overwhelming sometimes, you've just made a huge change and even though your landing was soft on paper, you are still all alone in a new country without even your wife & kids. How hard the landing is is not just about whether you had somewhere to sleep and food to eat, it is also about real emotional support from the people closest to you and the ability to imagine yourself happy in your new environment.

 

To answer your original question: Yes I absolutely believe you can get through this. You have said yourself that you're not emotionally in a good space, so you should not make another life-changing decision right now. Take it a couple of weeks at a time, you will find the meaning in where you are right now and over time the right decision will become clearer. If you can stick it out to citizenship it would all have been worthwhile, even if you then end up moving back.

[JoVincent]

Oh man @vitchie I absolutely feel for you so much. You really are in the throes of the "tough times" - I really don't have any sage advice to give as we are only emigrating next year March, but a lot of the points you raised reminded me of an article I read the other day, I am posting the link below.

 

Hang in there, keep strong - I agree with so much of what everyone has said above. It's a lot harder not having your family with you. Definitely agree to at least hang in there until citizenship, which is 4 years and will go fairly quickly. And by then I am confident you will be so much more settled & happy with your decision. Focus on your kids and their futures, it will help.

 

Thinking of you in this very hard stage...

 

http://www.merisemag.com/eng/the-emotional-rollercoaster-ride-of-migration/

 

[planningahead]

@vitchie, I think you need to focus on your 2 children. You are now in the best position to truly give them the best future and isn't that a major responsibility of a parent?

 

In SA you might have lived in a nice house (most likely with a lot of security measures just so that you, your wife and children are able to sleep at night) , had nice cars, had a very good job and was able to send the kids to a good (probably private school). All of that is a bubble. Everything the middle to upper classes in this country hold on to is part of a bubble. The bubble is bursting already but someday it will explode.

 

Take the main things you want to provide your children with:

• Health care - the SA private healthcare system is regressing rapidly. Think back to the quality of care you experienced 20 years ago vs. the level of quality today. In a private hospital at the beginning of the year a doctor in the emergency room told a friend of mine that he has to amputate his hand after a dog had bitten him. When the doctor left the room the nurse had to plead with my friend and convince him to hold off on the advice and get a second opinion! Just two weeks ago I had a chest x-ray and the ER doctor diagnosed me with chronic bronchitis. I went to a pulmonolgist and he told me it's BS you can't diagnose bronchitis on an x-ray. Even with the current state of the health care system in SA it is about to get worse when the government implements its national health scheme. This is guaranteed to be a failure as this government has proved over and over again that the government can not be trusted to run any organisation successfully (ESKOM, SABC, SAA, etc.). Another big risk is whether your kids will even have access to a health care system in the future. You might think I'm being alarmist but please consider fees must fall and our universities which happened out of the blue last year (more on this below). Here in SA the overwhelming majority of people sadly live in extreme poverty. Poverty that you and me cannot imagine in our comfortable bubble. There is anger out there and that anger will someday be directed to tear down the institutions, systems and organisations which you and I can rely on to get by in this country and pretend we are living a first world standard. Tearing down is easier than build up in our country. Building up requires massive structural changes in our economy (labour laws, business policies, etc.) which will never happen as the unions will bring this country to a standstill and Marikana time 1 000 will happen.
• Education - the same point as above. There is no guarantee that the private schools and universities will survive the anger and resentment I spoke about above. It is much easier to blame white privilege or evil capitalism in this country rather than to address the real issues. The blame and anger will someday be directed towards private schools and also towards universities and these beacons of "white privilege", "capitalism", inequality and elitism will be destroyed. Maybe not physically, but the products (future students) of these educational institutions will have deteriorated to the point where they will have no relevance and value outside of Africa. Look at the damage that have been done to South African universities in just one year. Can you honestly say that when your 6 year old graduates at a South African university in 16 years time that his/her qualification would be of a world standard which would allow him/her to apply for visas to other countries? If not, then essentially you risk your kids being trapped in a vicious circle as they would not have any alternatives in 16 years time (while you can provide them those alternatives NOW).

 

I actually wanted to continue and talk about the economy and the political situation of the future but I'm getting really tired now of typing. The only things I will say is the state is captured. There is a big push for nuclear and that WILL bankrupt our country. Don't be fooled and think it might get better when mr. Zuma steps down in 2019. It won't. The state is captured and another puppet will be installed (Baleka Mbete; Dlamini Zuma; etc.). The looting of state coffers will continue and the economy will implode. Also don't think it's a good thing that the ANC is losing support (52%-53%) at this year's local elections. If they dip below 50% a coalition will have to be formed. Someone like out friend Malema would have a much bigger political voice and if the ANC would want to continue its rule it would have to concede to ALOT of the EFFs policies. Do you really want your wife nd children to live in a country where someone like Malema jokes about not yet having a white genocide? Malema is a political force and will have a bigger and louder voice very soon when the ANC needs a coalition partner............

 

Please think about all of this. Please just think of the realities your kids will face in 2 years time, 5 years time, 10 years, 20 years..........

 

[RedPanda]

About depression: it's insidious and self-enforcing, and especially if you have never had issues with it before, you have to get help for it! It's actually easier to cope with if you have had some practice, or if you know about it from family, because there are several strategies that one can employ to get over/through it. It depends what causes the depression, some types are hereditary/genetic and tend to be chronic or manifest as an increase in the likelihood of getting depressed by life events. Other times people who are normally free from depression can experience life events that make them depressed, this type is temporary and gets resolved when the people have finished processing the event. To the best of my knowledge, in all cases medication can help quickly, and in the short term, but it is important to identify the cause in order to treat that appropriately.

Why I said it's insidious and self-enforcing: it bends your perception of reality and decreases your ability to take joy in everyday things that would normally make you happy - this reinforces your feeling that 'life is bad right now', and it saps your motivation, leading to decreased physical activity which would have produced 'feel good' chemicals in your brain, which would help you to get happy experiences, which help you to feel less depressed. So that's also why regular exercise is really important to combat depression (even though it is the very last thing you want to do when depressed). Exercise helps because it literally kicks your mind out of it's rut for a while, and gives you a sense of achievement when you're done, and while you are doing it you feel like it is something that you can do, proactively. Depression can also be really subtle and only accumulate over time, so you don't notice it getting worse until one day you start to think maybe it's just too much effort to keep breathing. It's really important to catch this type when it starts.

So the bottom line is: Do not make any big decisions when you are not thinking straight.

The rest of your issues will fall in place when you start to settle, but you will never settle if you keep an escape route always open, because you will give things a half-assed go (even if you don't mean to) while your mind keeps thinking: ok, when do we go home?

[ChrisH]

Hi @JoleneB, how is @vitchiedoing?  I see he hasn't actually been on the forum since the day he posted the opening post of this thread.

 

I trust that things are going better now!

[vitchie]

Hi all. Sorry for being so quiet. After many really really dark days, we have reached some sort of conclusion and maybe a bit of hope. Had lots and lots of facetime conversations with my wife after after almost booking my ticket back to SA, we decided to let my wife and daughters come through tomorrow instead. It was just too great a thing and too many decisions for me to make on my own. At least now we will be 2 giving it a good go and worst case scenario, at least everyone's visas will be activated. After making this decision is also like more than half of the dark cloud has blown away, the indecisiveness is the biggest part the was driving me crazy. They fly here tomorrow until 20 Dec and then we all still go to SA for Christmas as originally planned. What happens after that, I don't know. I am getting through this 1 day at at time at the moment. I know all the reasons for this in my head, just struggled for my heart to catch up. I think having my family arrive here on Wednesday is going to help a lot.

 

My advice to anyone, if at all possible, try and come as a family and not alone. I didn't expect being on my own here would be so rough, and I have been on many business trips before. Just something as simple as choosing a car or house seemed like an impossible task, especially trying to communicate with your wife about these decisions while she is another time zone.

[Tntaglia]

That's great news!