Dealing with Culture Shock

[Dedrei]

Just thought I'd add to this.

I really just had a bad week when I wrote my distress here. I am truly feeling better and at ease. Everybody normally goes through the ups and downs of immigration some time or another. It’s totally normal and you are entitled to feel this way.

Some may never experience this at all, it really depends on the person.

And just to say in short. Our experiences we have had since arriving in Aus are not the norm, so please do not think that what we have gone trough will happen to you. Every person and situation is unique as well as every working environment.

I have shared our journey with honesty since arriving with all of you and hope that it will just give a balanced picture of what immigration entails and not just the good stuff. I hope some people will appreciate it. People need to see the good and bad and prepare themselves. Immigration is not “maanskyn en rose”, it takes some bloody hardwork , guts and dedication to get through it.

Even if times are tough and you don’t feel at home or happy in your new town/city. I would suggest just to stick it out for about 2 years. See how it goes and move if needs be. We have never been anywhere else in Aus before arriving and will continue to do our LSD trips here until we have found our next home. It might not even happen, maybe a year from now we have decided to stay. Who knows what the future holds?

I believe that “Everything happens for a Reason” and “Wat jou nie dood maak nie maak jou sterker”. There is a bigger picture for all of us and it will take some time for us to see what that is. But what/where ever it is we will manage in the mean time. We will make it work in Aus, no turning back now.

[JohanK]

Dedrei you go girl

[Riekie]

Miskien moet jy nog 'n ruk vertoef en dan 'n LSD-reis na SA aanpak. Dalk sal dit die "eye-opener" wees.

Hi D! Ek sien nou eers jou "post" en voel so jammer vir jou wat daar stoksielalleen in die boontste puntjie van Aus deur dit alles moet gaan! Ek wil net vir jou sê dat wat jy deurgaan baie normaal is en dat baie van ons dit in 'n minder of meerdere mate ervaar het - of nog sal ervaar. Ek stem saam met Janneman dat 'n besoek aan RSA op 'n latere stadium dalk net die ding kan wees wat jou sekerheid sal kan gee oor die toekoms en jou keuses. Ek sou net nie dink dat jy dit te gou moet doen nie - onthou jy is nou maar omtrent 4 maande hier - dit is regtig nog baie kort om nou 'n drastiese, lewensveranderende besluit te maak sonder dat emosies jou logiese denke kan vertroebel. Jou "kinders" is oor net 11 slapies in jou arms - ek is seker dinge sal dan vir jou begin beter lyk. Gee dit nog so 6 of 9 maande voor jy besluit wat om te doen (maar niemand sal jou kwalik neem of as jy sou besluit om terug te gaan nie. Niemand sal minder van jou dink as jy dit nie in Aus kon maak nie - dit help ook nie om hier te bly net om nie te moet erken jy het 'n fout gemaak nie, terwyl jy elke oomblik daarvan ongelukkig is nie. Ek hoop regtig jy voel vinnig beter - dink aan jou!!

[Alwyn]

Ok,

I must be going through a culture shock having returned to SA, but the crime is real, so still all go to get out of here.

[Riekie]

Nie een van ons kan nie met jou meelleef nie. Ons maak die besluit om SA te verlaat met ons BREIN, nie met ons Harte nie.

QG, ek dink jy slaan die spyker OP die kop met daai stelling! Dit IS nie 'n emosionele besluit om Suid Afrika te verlaat nie, maar 'n realitiese een - al is die "nagevolge" so baie emosioneel!

Dan het jy ook nog die goeie 'sense' om te praat oor dit wat jou pla. Daar is 'n klomp van ons wat ook sukkel, maar ons is net te 'cowardly' om daaroor te praat. Dankie dat jy ook indirek vir ons hulp verskaf, deur dit te vra waaroor ons almal soms wonder.

Dreamy, so waar...... Nie almal van ons het die"guts" om te sê dat ons nie altyd hierdie emigrasie "ace" nie en mens het nodig om te weet dat jy nie die enigste een is wat hier in jou hoekie opkrul en "depro" voel nie. Ons probeer almal so braaf wees, maar waarvoor nou eintlik? Sodat mense nie kan sê "I told you so" nie?....

Good on you D om so eerlik te wees oor hoe jy voel! Ek glo noudat Ruby & Leo veilig in jou arms is, sal dinge vir jou beter gaan! Dalk het ons almal 'n "les" geleer uit jou eerlikheid. Hoekom moet mens alles vir jouself hou as jy soveel forum vriendinne (en vriende!) het wat sal verstaan?

[Eva]

I think alot of people have a bit of a culture shock no matter how much research etc they have done, nothing can prepare you for not finding the peanut butter in the supermarket or the self check-outs and sometimes its the little things that bring on the tears mostly one doesn't even know why.

Gee, every day I find something else on this forum that answers so many of the questions I didn't even know I had!!

There are amazing, wonderful threads here that are FULL of useful information.

Hopefully I'll be as well prepared as I can be, with the help of the forum and the wonderful people who contribute!!

[Terence.H]

I believe that �Everything happens for a Reason� and �Wat jou nie dood maak nie maak jou sterker�. There is a bigger picture for all of us and it will take some time for us to see what that is. But what/where ever it is we will manage in the mean time. We will make it work in Aus, no turning back now.

I cannot top that statement, go for the dream!!!! to hell with the temporary consequences!!!! keep the vision alive and stay focused on what's important to you!!!! turning back is not, and should not be an option, if you truly believe the reasons you made this move in the first place.

All of us know how hard it is to do something like this, embrace the positive and reject the negative....

[Jordy]

Perhaps Riekie might consider sometime editing her original post to include two years gain in experience since writing the original, and perhaps telling us about the final stage of acceptance. then making the new post a sticky. this kind of post is the kind that gives hope when you in the middle of the depression stage

Edited November 7, 2008 by Jordy

[Eva]

Perhaps Riekie might consider sometime editing her original post to include two years gain in experience since writing the original, and perhaps telling us about the final stage of acceptance. then making the new post a sticky. this kind of post is the kind that gives hope when you in the middle of the depression stage

What a great idea Jordy!!

[NicciG]

"daar is baie ander mense wat hulle skoonma sal verruil om hierso in aus te wees"

Oh man, I hosed myself reading this!!! I am one of the abovementioned people!!!!!!! Ek sal haar vanaand vir julle gee as ek net more in Aus kan wees!! As a matter of fact, I will give her to you even if I cannot go to Aus tomorrow!! Any takers?

Edited November 7, 2008 by NicciG

[polly]

roflol :lol:

[Riekie]

Perhaps Riekie might consider sometime editing her original post to include two years gain in experience since writing the original, and perhaps telling us about the final stage of acceptance. then making the new post a sticky. this kind of post is the kind that gives hope when you in the middle of the depression stage

OK, here goes... (My updated remarks in RED)

Stage 1: The Vacation Feeling

You've arrived in your new country. Everything is breathtaking, new & exciting. You're having lots of fun exploring and excitingly telling the family back home all about the good time you're having. You're enthusiastic and full of plans. You go places & do things more than you would normally have. Don't let all the excitement blind reality. In all this excitement, know that you will have to go back to work, the kids will have to go back to school and you'll have household chores, errands to run, bills to pay. Our Stage 1 was exactly this and more! We were blown away by how different life was to what we were used to in South Africa. We wanted to see everything, experience everything and could not get enough of Australia! We saw more of Australia in those first 6 weeks than most Aussies do in the same period of time. Everything was wonderful - it was like a 6 week holiday in Utopia! We did realise that life will eventually have to return to "normal" and were prepared for the reality, so it did not hit us in a negative way at all.

Stage 2: Denial & Doubts

Facing the reality of daily life fades the initial excitement. Negative feelings pop up over daily issues you have to deal with and you start to feel guilty for not being more hyped-up about your new life. Your kids start missing their friends, grandparents etc and demand more of your attention. You're not in "vacation mode" anymore and it does not seem to be so much fun living in your new country. Don't let reality cloud the reasons why you took this step in the first place. Life can't be all fun. Be realistic about your expectations. Pinpoint the real issues and ask yourself if it is worth changing your mind. It is normal to have doubts when reality of daily life kicks in. We did have some doubts, but never got to the denial stage. My son was having a hard time adjusting, retracting more & more to his bedroom & his computer games. My daughter was lonely. Both kids missed their friends very badly and I became quite emotional about their state of mind - I wanted my kids to be happy and I wanted to "fix" it for them, but you can not click your fingers and instant new friends appear. I felt guilty for "doing this to them" even though I knew that I did it FOR them. I had many sad times in empathy with what they were going through and I wished that I could do something to make it all go away. The best thing we did before we moved to Australia, was to involve the kids and to warn them that it would not be easy, that they'll miss their friends, and probably wish they could go back. So when the sadness kicked in, we knew it was all going to pass and that if we just stay strong and see it through, we will be rewarded with a wonderful new life. This was the only aspect of this stage which caused me to have doubts. Life in Australia itself, was a breeze, even with everything we had to do : work, pay the bills, etc.

Stage 3: Anger & Negative Feelings

You start to see & experience the negative things about your new country and it seems to overshadow all the positive things. Things that could normally go wrong no matter where in the world you are, gets blamed on your new country. Stay focused. Don't allow your feelings to become anger. Realise that these are normal life occurrences and not aimed at you. Don't blame the new country for everything that goes wrong. Remind yourself of the reasons why you decided to make this change. Don't voice your negative feelings in front of your kids as they would feel very insecure and start doubting their own feelings. They might even feel guilty if they do not feel the same as you. We've missed this stage completely! Never had any anger or negative feelings towards Australia or anything about it. The only anger I did have is about people who still blamed us for our decision and for friends fading away. The long Emails every second day deteriorated to a one-liner every 6 months (from their side...) I realised they don't want to hear about our life in Australia and stopped sharing it with them - even feeling guilty for carrying on about our wonderful life in this wonderful new country, rubbing their faces in it (unintentionally - but that's the way it was perceived). Initially I corresponded with at least 10 - 12 people on a constant basis - now, it's nil, zero, nada.... with the exception of our parents. (Not counting the once in a blue moon few lines). So, if there was any anger, this was it.

Stage 4: Escape

You're seriously thinking of bailing out. You're thinking you made a mistake. You start to withdraw from society and isolate yourself and your children. It feels like everything is falling apart. You're asking yourself what you are doing here. You're homesick & lonely. Be careful not to burden your children with your emotions. Take a step back and look at the whole picture. Acknowledge and deal with your feelings don't brush it off. Don't phone home and spend hours on the phone crying. Have a good cry every now & then but do it in private. Do something positive such as volunteering and involve the whole family. Get out there and get a life. Never experienced this one either - thinking about going back that is. I did start to isolate myself and spent most of my days completely alone at home. The forum was my friend and social life. I felt in unison with the forumites because they "got" me - they knew what it was all about, 'cause they've been through it. I felt I had all the support I needed and became very dependant on the forum to add meaning to my life. At this stage the kids were happy with their new lives in Australia, had many friends and thought less & less about South Africa. I think it was because I felt that now that they found their happiness, I could relax and not bother to make an effort anymore. I can very easily be alone for days on end without being lonely, but I came to a point that I realised I did not want to see even the people I did know and made excuses not to see them. I wasn't homesick, but I did miss having my friend who lived down the street & who popped in for a coffee all times of the day unannounced. I missed the many people who were always at our home having a good time, playing boardgames till the morning hours, laughing & chatting away. Our house was like Noah's Ark - and it was always open. I missed that and gave up on ever having that again. I didn't cry about any of this, but the broken dryer had me in tears.... Maybe it was just a way in which I did not want to acknowledge the extent to which it has affected me. Anyway, an unpleasant forum related incident ended up being my rescue and I made the decision to get a life (finally!), which I did, and found the most wonderful friendship with someone who'd been right under my nose all along!! We're still best friends to this day!

Step 5: Depression

You realise this is your life and you have to deal with it there's no way out. In the early days you were the pillar of the family, helping everyone to settle in and adjust. Now that they're all happy and going on with their lives, you feel of no use to anyone. You feel irritable and have no energy. You don't want to leave the house or perform daily tasks. Speak to someone about your feelings (not your kids!) your husband is a good start, or go see a councillor. Don't deal with this alone - if you've reached this stage it's time to get help. Most of all know that this is all part of the natural process to adjust to your new life and dealing with the grief of things that are no more. I think a bit of what I've experienced in the previous stage, could very well be part of this one. Although I did not suffer from full blown depression, I did have a lot of "down" days and was frustrated with my life falling into the rut of cleaning, cooking, washing & ironing and not being the one everyone depended on anymore. Life was going on and I got stuck behind. The best thing I could have done at this stage - and once again was my rescue - was to start working. Although I had a really tough time adjusting, as some of you may remember (wanting to quit after day 2), I saw it through. However difficult, it was the best thing I could have done. I'm still friends with the people from that first job and we are seeing each other on a regular basis. Even if you don't HAVE to work, get a job - even if only for a few days/hours a week. This was the kick-start I needed to feel that I belonged somewhere. I was part of something other than my husband & kids. People wanted to know how my weekend was and got excited about things happening in my life. I could use my brain again for a change and really felt like I was contributing to something. I felt appreciated & needed again. Don't get me wrong - my hubby & kids are WONDERFUL and we're a very close family, but you expect your family to appreciate you and value your opinion and praise you for things you do well, so that sort of does not count... From then on, my life started to fall in place and I realised that I have my own new life. I did not need to look back anymore. I did not feel "rejected" by my friends in South Africa anymore. I did not need their one-liner Emails to make me feel that I belonged to something anymore. I did not need the forum to have a social life anymore. I started to truly live again! My life has meaning & excitement and at the moment, I'm having the time of my life!!!

My advise to anyone is to know what these stages are, but not to allow it to dictate their own personal experience of immigration. Everyone experiences it differently. You don't HAVE to feel angry or depressed. But at least, when you do, you'll know that it too will pass and that you WILL be happy again. The fact that we've prepared ourselves for the worst, made it so much easier to get through it, because we've acknowledged it and could motivate & encourage each other. Our immigration to Australia was a walk in the park in comparison and looking back, we have absolutely no regrets. It was way easier than we thought it would be and I think it was because we expected (and prepared for) it to be much worse. Don't be unrealistic in your expectations. This IS the lucky country, but you still need to make it work for you!

Hope this helps in giving a more "been there, done that" perspective, rather than 'n text book expectation. Thanks to all my forum & real life friends, I made it!!

[Eva]

Thank you so much Riekie for taking the time and effort to let us know how things worked out for you....

Much appreciated!

I must just say though, that we have friends in Australia and they have dwindled away with the e-mails from regular newsletters and updates to not bothering to respond to e-mails and no news for months on end... guess it works both ways.

Thanks again

Eva

[krugers]

Hi Riekie

Thanks for this! We're flying to Perth on the 3rd of January, going to settle in Mandurah. I search the net and this forum on a daily basis, trying to prepare myself. I am sure there are quite a few stages we go through on this side as well trying to cope with this life changing decision....

[Riekie]

I search the net and this forum on a daily basis, trying to prepare myself.

My best advice is: Prepare for the worst. (Without being negative). Acknowledge ahead of time that things could go wrong or that you'll have difficulties, so when that does happen, you'll be able to work through it, as you'll know it is part of the process. You'll also be more likely to recognise when you or members of your family reach a certain stage where they'll need your reassurance or support before it becomes a desperate situation.

Good luck with the big move. Like I've said many times before : it's like the roller-coaster ride of your life!! Scream & shout, but enjoy it!!

[Ready2go]

Riekie, thanx again for all your valuable advice.

Ive chosen to ride this rollarcoaster - Im going to try my darn hardest to scream, shout and enjoy it !

[Jill]

Thanks for that really good advice Riekie.

I have been through all those things in the last 14 months, and every now and then, go through them again.

Jill

[Jordy]

Thank you Riekie. This is most helpful. It just reaffirms for me that the immigration journey is a process and that the feeling being experienced right now, what ever that may be, too shall pass.

[Good Witch]

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming. "Wow, what a ride!" - author unknown

[duToits]

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming. "Wow, what a ride!" - author unknown

Brilliant quote

[Almost there]

Wow ... what a thread ...

Riekie, what sharing of your most private emotions & personal journey ... thank you!

We leave 5 weeks tomorrow ... part of me can't wait to finally just get there and start living (breathing) again - over the 2 years since we made our decision, we have lived on PAUSE (who here can't relate to that??). My hubby has been there for 8 weeks and we can't wait to see him and be a normal family again, but the sadness of seeing people whom I know (& some of them too), will be the last time that we see each other, the constant imagining the scene at the airport and how I am going to handle not crying as to be brave and excited for my little one's sake, saying good bye to my loved ones still here, my mom especially ... such mixed emotions and even though we are as prepared as we can be for the 'worst', there is so much more to come ... I hope I too, in a few years, can re-read this thread and say 'never experienced this ...'

Thank you for sharing.

[Almost there]

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, totally worn out and proclaiming. "Wow, what a ride!" - author unknown

Adding this to my vision board

[lyall]

I know what you mean Riekie..we have been here now for 3 months, and I have felt like everyday has been a holiday, even though I have been working for two months now, and I felt..great!!! i can do this!! then it hit me yesterday,,,one of my daughters is emmigrating to mauritius by end of year, they have been through a similar process, so we sympathise with each other, her and her partner are not legally married, but have been together for approx 13 years now, and have two children, now at the last minute they have been told that they have to get married for her to get pr there..(he is a citizen, as are their children)

They they are getting married at the end of the month..and I WONT BE ABLE TO BE THERE!!!!! I cried the whole day today, for the first time since I left...damn!! Everything that happend during the day made me start crying again ...

I know they cant help it, and I support them in their move totally, but it still seems a bit hard to take that I will miss her wedding!!!

[Taryn R]

Hi All,

I'm actually still living in Durban, SA, however my partner (Brian) and I are thinking about immigrating - not cause we're very unhappy here more so because I think we both need a change and Brian has already begun applying for his visa (even before we met) - not to say he would leave me behind but we would like to make this decision together.

We are thinking about living in Brisbane cause Brian has family over there and apparently the weather and peeps are alot like Durban. My main concern is that I have previously left SA to live in London (Central) on a 2 year working / holiday visa - I absolutely hated the place and I was desperately unhappy - the weather was horrible and depressing (I'm a real sun baby!), I found alot of the people very unfriendly and on a permanent mission, I felt confined, claustrophobic and very home sick.

Basically I'm writing to ask for advise from anyone who has made similar choices and who is now living in Oz... are you happy..? (I realize there are certain stages of settling in that you have to go through before it feels like home). What are the people like, weather, job opportunities etc? I would be so grateful if anyone can give me a bit of back round. You see I went to London knowing nothing about the place, literally landed and had to find a place to stay, work etc and I would really like to be in a position this time round that if I chose to immigrate, I know a bit more about where I'm going...

Thank you and I can't wait to hear from you!

T

[MANDIBRENT]

Hi Taryn R,

I have not yet immigrated (awaiting approval of 457 for my hubby), but we spent 1 month in Noosa (SUnshine Coast), visiting my Dad. Noosa is 1 1/2 hours from Brisbane. We ent to Brisbane for a day or two to visit my half-sister as well. Personally, I found the people in Brisbane and Noosa to be friendly, laidback, interesting and above all law-abiding. Brisbane is a pretty city with many tall buidlings and plenty restaurants and outdoor places to eat and visit eg. theatres, pools etc. The weather was fantastic, a little humid at times, but generally super, NO WIND. Coming from PE, you understand hy this is a big thing for us. We also visited Cairns and Sydney, also lovely cities, but Brissie still tops them all, I think so anyway. Once I am over there I will post some of our experiences and what day to day living is like. All the best with your decision making.

MANDI