How easy was it to make friends, and did you make Aussie friends?

[RedPanda]

Hi All,

I have had discussions with family and friends, including some who have migrated (to other places, and to Australia), and gotten back a wide range of views and strategies on the topic of making friends and settling in to the society of the new country.

What I would like to ask you guys is this:

1. How easy did you find making friends in Australia?
2. Where did you meet them?
3. Did you make friends with 'the natives' (people born in Australia, or who have lived there a long time), or where/are your friends mostly expats?
4. Do you have children, and do you think that this played a large role in how and who you made friends with?

 

I realise that this is a 'how long is a piece of string' topic, but I would still like to hear what you have to say about it.

[Jordy]

What is the definition of 'friends'? May sound like a stupid question, but we have only word to describe LOVE. So one can love chocolate and one can love your children. Same word but with very different meanings. I don't mean to get all philosophical but I had friends in South Africa and I have friends in Australia. They are not the same thing.  I guess what I am trying say is that what defines 'friends' has more to do with emotions than a list of things you do with each other. 

 

When I first read your topic question I immediately thought of the friends I used to have in South Africa and the answer by that definition is No I dont have friends in Australia. Not one after 8 years. But I do have people in my life who I call friends. This is hard express in words and maybe you understand what I trying to say.

1. It is very hard to make friends, especially with people you have no history (school, uni etc)

2. Church, parents of my kid's friends at school

3. No not a single one is a true blue. All are migrants - Asians, Scots, Irish. 

4. Yes we have kids and it was the sole reason we became friends. 

[RYLC]

It can be difficult to make friends - particularly if you are not an extroverted sportsman.  Having said that, nowadays there is meetup.com where you can find like minded people to regularly catch up with.  The types of groups are endless: from line dancing, bridge clubs, over 30's, movie clubs, book clubs, walkers, hikers, you name it.  These meetups give you a reason for turning up and everybody has the shared reason for being there = instant report.

 

Surprisingly Aussies are very shy.  They also don't have household help so their homes are often in what Saffas would consider a shambles so they don't invite people round to their homes a lot.  There are the odd few but it is not the norm (in my 15 years in Oz). 

 

My friends are mainly Aussies with a few Saffas (who I actually knew from RSA).  Most of the Aussies (but not all) have travelled themselves and are more open to foreign-ness.

 

Having children DEFINITELY makes all the difference.  When we arrived we were Dinks who did not plan to have children.  It didn't take us long to realise that actually we did want kids, just not in RSA.  Kids ensure that you are included in events because they make friends (more easily) and want play dates etc.  School drop off and pick up is also a prime chat spot a bit like speed dating where you can interact with people without it having to be a couple of hours.  Also a lot of mums make lifelong friends with their fellow ante natal class mates.  We moved state so didn't work out for us but I did meet some lovely girls in my class.

 

A friend of mine married a Pom and moved to the UK and she too said that having a child made SUCH a difference to her integration.  She is an outgoing girl and didn't think it would make a difference but it did.

 

 

[Charne]

Hello there everybody.

 

This topic of making friends is quite interesting. I'm currently still in South Africa and find making friends extremely difficult (or should i say "finding friends"). I have no problem being social and getting to know people better but I find that the my life doesn't expose me to new people. I typically meet and befriend people at work. 

 

I was hoping that the lifestyle change in Australia (which doesn't involve running from locked houses into the safety of your car and promptly locking that too and then speeding off, avoiding coming to a complete stop at traffic lights and stop signs all whilst dodging pedestrians... *wait i'm getting off topic*) would assist in the making of friends. Being able to go for walks, picnics, joining some social club, taking public transport, volunteering and getting to know your neighbours all puts you into contact with so many people.

 

 The idea of not having a network of people to depend on scares me... Someone please be my friend  Haha, i'm not crazy i swear 

[RYLC]

I have to also add that the most important thing to remember is that you take yourself with you.  If you are a friendly chatty person who is interested in others then it won't be hard to strike up a conversation with others.  As mentioned by Charne, the free lifestyle and ability to go for walks and be out and about will really help with FEELING free and being more open to others. 

 

Just constantly remind yourself:  I am new here.  Thank goodness they speak English but that is the only thing I can count on.  Everything else will seem different (until it isn't) so don't be one of these newbies fresh off the boat who keeps referring to "back home"  It's normal to make comparisons but you don't have to verbalise every single one.  Rather than saying oh back home we do xyz instead of abc that you do here, just ask for more info about abc.  It makes you seem interested rather than critical.

[Guest]

I think the answer to this would depend on what type of person you are, and how much you put yourself out there. If you sit at home and wait for friends to come knocking on your door you are going be quite lonely. We immediately found common ground in our congregation with like minded people. Outside of that there are alot more opportunities to make friends here than in SA.

 

I immediately joined our local library where there is an abundance of activities and groups whether you have kids or not. I take my son to the library probably 3 times a week where there is Rhyme time, Story time Lego Club. They also have a specific group that meets at the library for newcomers. There are walking groups, dance classes, cake decorating, cooking classes. I have also made friends with a few people on my local buy swap and sell facebook page. Going for coffee with a friend I met on there on Monday.

 

We are going for a Braii tomorrow with friends and also are meeting up next week with some saffas we met on the beach.We have only been here for few months. So my advise is get yourself out there and don't be shy. Soon you will find yourself with friends.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Guest

[AFreshStart]

RYLC,

 

You might have to explain DINKS to the non-Aussies, it means Dual Income, No Kids, a term I wasn't familiar with until arriving.

 

Building a network is hard, no matter where you end up, you are leaving your life behind, your history in Australia starts on the day you land.

 

I'm outgoing and chatty and so made friends quickly, through our kids school, volunteering & church.

 

We have people in our home at least once if not twice a week and have people I can depend on if I need to drop the kids for an hour or two to run errands and likewise they return the favour.

 

Most of our friends are try blue Aussies, we have one really close Saffer friend here in Sydney, but just don't run in those circles/suburbs and I've not met another South African were we've lived, if there are expats they've tended to be American or Canadian.

 

If you put yourself out there you'll make friends, these things take time, but if you are willing to serve you'll find they'll follow.

 

Just this past week we have been invited by friends of a picnic, we had a play date in the park today and we are currently pet sitting a friend's place for the night, and were able to stay a couple nights in Melbourne while friends there were away.

 

Cheers

 

Matt

[RedPanda]

From the responses in a short period of time, it looks like other people are also interested in this topic. Thanks for your replies so far. 

 

@Jordy When I say friends, I guess I mean all of them, and people are welcome to elaborate (like you did)
 

Because people can be so very different, I appreciate all of the different views.

[doggit]

Even though I've only just arrived in Australia, I'd like to make a couple of comments on this.

 

About 6 years ago we semigrated from JHB to East London. While my wife had family there and couple of old acquaintances, neither of us had any friends. We made a concerted effort to be proactive about making friends. We invited neighbours over, we invited ourselves over to peoples places to introduce ourselves, we suggested things like a quick drink at the pub after a community meeting, etc. It didn't take long before we were included in plenty of social gatherings where we started to make friends. Perhaps not lifelong friends, but that takes time (see below). Now I'm not saying migration to Australia is the same thing. It's a whole other ball game, but I do think it's important to be conscious and proactive about making social connections. Also, if someone in SA says to you, "I have cousins/friends/xyz in Melbourne, you should look them up.", then look them up, as uncomfortable as it might be.  What have you got to lose? I have done this twice since I have been here (10 days), and the responses have been very positive.  People I don't know from a bar of soap have invited me for drinks, to cycling groups (I don't really cycle...) and to visit them in Tasmania!  I'd like to add here that I am an introvert by nature. I'm quite happy to spend time on my own, and large social gatherings are tough for me. But no pain, no gain...   I figure it might be tough for DINKs (thanks for the explanation AFreshStart), as the tendency might be to be insular, but I'm sure it depends on your personalities.

 

I have a pet theory about those really good friends that we have. Yes, it's about being like-minded and having a shared history to some extent, but I believe the biggest factor boils down to time invested.  If you think about your best friends, you will most probably find that you have many hundreds of hours shared together, e.g. school friends, roommates, touring buddies, etc.  This is one of the reasons it becomes harder to make those good friends as we get older - we simply don't have the time.

 

I personally don't think it's that important whether ones friends are locals, saffers or other immigrants.  I tend to the approach that people are people, and if you like them for whatever reason then try to make friends.

 

Anyhow, I ramble...

 

@RedPanda - if you're as interactive in 'real life' as you are on these forums, then you'll have no problem 

 

doggit

 

P.S. As mentioned, checkout meetup.com, it seems to be a good way to find those like-minded people.

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by doggit

[Shellfish]

The vast majority of friends I have made have been through my kids - either mother's group (when you have your first child, you will be 'set up' in a group of other first time mothers (or fathers) when your bub is about 2 months old who live in a close vicinity. You meet for about 8 weeks I think, once a week. My mums were fantastic and I am still friendly with them - my son just turned 9. Not all are as successful but I was really lucky - we were 'mature' (I was the youngest at 30) and just looking to bond with other women who were in the same place as us - tired, overwhelmed and facing the challenges and miracle of parenthood. 

 

Kinder and school - another great source of friendship. I have met some wonderful women through my son's kinder. Sadly, our kids aren't all that friendly anymore but we still meet up for coffee every Thursday  They are all Australian. I have other friends from all over the globe. 

 

Work - Australia is teaming with 'foreigners' - many are looking to rebuild their network and you find many are happy to socialise outside of work. 

 

My neighbours - Australia is very 'community minded' so going for a walk and having a chat with the neighbours often leads to friendship. My neighbour is fantastic, we live in cul de sac and she has pretty much 'forced' us all to socialise. She arranges a Christmas party for the street every year. I believe this is quite common and lots of people do it. 

 

Having said all this - there is nothing like the friends you have from your youth, your siblings, cousins and the people that are a part of your roots. I miss them all the time and I can never replace them. 

 

 

[SurferMan]

This blog is weird! i mean that in a good way! 

 

For me, I had soul mates in SA. Here I have made 1 or 2 of them. Most of my mates are Aussies and they are easy going. I can rock up at one blokes house, borrow some stuff and leave, no dramas. Had one of these good mates over yesterday for a BBQ, so laid back and easy going. We both have kids and they homeschool and we stay a few hundred metres apart so that helps. 

 

I am totally not fussed about "friend quotas" or being able to say I have X or Y in mates. I have good friends here and I absolutely adore the lifestyle. I live as close to paradise as I can imagine. If I could be bold, here is my advice. 

 

Be yourself. 

Relax and whatever you do dont stretch yourself. 

Help friends out when they need it

[RedPanda]

Thanks for sharing guys (I regard 'guys' as a gender neutral term  )

Your responses have helped to alleviate a bit of my worries on this matter. 
I know that it takes time, and usually a long-term shared activity to forge life-long friendships. And then once you have that sorted, you're still facing a lottery-like chance of meeting someone with whom you really 'click', or who has the kind of matching character that could lead to a deep friendship. I just feel it also helps if the society that you are joining is naturally a bit more gregarious. A friend of mine moved to the UK some 6 years ago, and to date has failed to make any real deep friendships, and has even struggled with just the casual friendships too. But we thought that might have more to do with UK society than with my friend.

@doggit Thanks. I'm a bit quirky, but I do like to talk to people  And I'm hoping that the change from RSA's paranoid default setting to a more relaxed environment will allow me to 'cash in' on this a bit more.

 

@SurferMan Why do you find the blog weird?

[SurferMan]

@RedPanda

 

Its more a turn of phrase than anything milady. I have seen such posts often and then went onto wonder why people place such prize on "making mates" It always struck me as strange. I am quite an extrovert but even so dont care for the count of mates I can advance. I value quality over quantity any day. So that is why I find the blog a little weird, but then again I am just a bloke, and we are simple creatures devoid of complex feelings. LOL. 

[zamunda]

@RedPanda

We have been in Aus (Adelaide) for over two years now and some months back, I did a post on this topic. I have copied below the post:

 

 

I would like to share a personal experience on the importance of building up a social network. Especially when in a new country.

 

When we moved to Adelaide we had absolutely no friends or family in South Australia. It was going to be the two of us and our two doggies in this strange new land.

 

From the time we started the immigration process we said to our selves that we needed to build up a good social support network.

 

Before moving over (even before our LSD trip), we joined various local groups via the web. Groups that had a common interest. So we joined the local dog club, photography club, etc. During our LSD trip we met with some members from these groups. 

 

Once we arrived permanently in Adelaide, we said to our selves that each week we will try to make one new friend. We did not look for South African friends only. We went out there looking for Friends. We made friends just about where ever we could, even the check out persons at the local shops. Went to the local pub, church, volunteered to help out with social clubs in our neighbourhood, went to watch the neighbourhood footy team play, introduced ourselves to the neighbours, etc.

 

Over the short time we have been here, we built up a network of new found friends. Some became very close to us and some not so close. Good friends, never the less. During times of loneliness and home sickness these friends where there to help us through.

 

The real test came when we were faced with a personal tragedy. A few months after moving here, my dad (who was fit as a fiddle. Walked 5kms every single day, never missed his evening brandy. Never had a health issue other than a flu his entire life) suddenly took ill and was hospitalised. 

 

On mentioning this to our friends here in Adelaide, the word went around very quickly and the support we got was simply over whelming. Some came by the house to give support, others over the phone and some sent us well wishing cards via post and emails. Best of all, was a friend of a friend got hold of a doctor who offered to give us any advice we needed at no charge. Every hospital report  was emailed to us and we forwarded the same to the doctor. He in turn advised us via emails and telephone. Turned out dad had a very aggressively progressing leukaemia. 

 

Considering dad's age and the rate of progression, there was not much hope. The doctor prepared us for what to expect and everyone else who knew dad's condition became a pillar of support for the two of us. This gave us strength to prepare not only ourselves, but also give strength and support to my mum. Through the local doctor's detailed advice, we knew a lot more about what was happening and what our options were. Before I could arrange to fly back, dad had passed. It was exactly nine days since he fell ill.

 

Sadly my wife could not travel back for the funeral yet the support she got during my absence was simply amazing. Some friends offered to have her spend the nights at their place. Some offered to come and stay with her. Others offered constant support via telephone calls and emails. Some dropped off groceries and some even offered financial support in case we needed it. 

 

I had a 12 hour wait in Perth air port. The number of calls and texts of support was incredible. To quote one text "travel well my friend, your Aussie family is with you all the time". I could not help by cry. utterly sad that my dad was no more, yet glad that we had friends looking out for us. 

 

The point I am trying to make is, migrating is not easy. Even more difficult when in a completely new environment with no prior friendships to rely on for support. But if you make the effort to build up a social network, life can be that much easier. Don't expect people to come over and make friends with you. We have to make the effort.

Edited January 12, 2016 by zamunda

[RedPanda]

4 hours ago, SurferMan said:

@RedPanda

 

Its more a turn of phrase than anything milady. I have seen such posts often and then went onto wonder why people place such prize on "making mates" It always struck me as strange. I am quite an extrovert but even so dont care for the count of mates I can advance. I value quality over quantity any day. So that is why I find the blog a little weird, but then again I am just a bloke, and we are simple creatures devoid of complex feelings. LOL. 

 

Aha, good Sir, but you read things that are not there!  In the original question I did not ask people how many friends they have made, only how easy/difficult they found the process of making the friends that they have. I don't count my friends by number either, but there is a very distinct binary difference for me between: I have some friends, and I have no friends at all. However it is that you define a friend. Some people have 'friends' and 'acquaintances', and other people just have 'all these people I know and spend time with'. I'm more interested in in whether the people on this forum were able to find and make the kinds of friends that they feel are essential in their lives.

My questions are probably related to my own 'fear of the unknown', and also a little bit because I find the ways that other people think about life rather fascinating. After all, if I talk to enough people I'm bound to encounter a few where I think: Hey, that's nifty! I think I'll try that.

"but then again I am just a bloke, and we are simple creatures devoid of complex feelings. LOL. " - 

Hahaha....nope you're not getting off the hook that easily. I have always held that the whole 'difference between men and women' is much of a muchness, and that it would diminish considerably if we just raised them the same from the start, as a community (It's not enough just to have a household like that). I basically feel that men use that as an excuse to be insensitive, and women use it as an excuse to win an argument without merit. But hey, that's just what I think.  

[RedPanda]

@zamunda Thank you for resharing that post. My condolences on the passing of your father.

I find it very encouraging that your effort at creating a social network paid off. I will remember that once we have landed. (in four months' time).

[SurferMan]

LOL, 

 

There is no escape for me Redpanda! See, I cant even read a simple post! Good return volley by the way. Hehehe. 

[Riekie]

We initially found it hard to make friends or to feel connected with anyone and we mostly had South African friends whom we met on the forum and then later in real life (some of whom are still amazing life-long friends!)

 

It was hard to relate to someone who does not have the same background, history and outlook on life, so we tended to want to meet fellow South Africans, which was a big mistake as we were looking for friendship with people simply based on being South African and even though we were from the same country, our values were often quite different.

 

We had kids (11 & 18) when we came over and the parents of the friends of the youngest would make an attempt but it was more the kids who were friends and we as parents just happened to say hello or have a quick cup of coffee when we dropped off or collected kids.

 

I did not work for about the first 18 months so that I could settle the family and especially the youngest and make sure she was OK with school, adjusting, coping in learning everything in English etc. This did not help much for making friends as I was basically at home (and felt quite secluded and lonely at times).  Once I started working, everything changed.  I made 3 amazing friends (Indian, Greek & Aussie) at my first job in 2006 and we still go out together all the time, even though we no longer work together.

 

When we were still renting, the neighbors did not bother.  We would introduce ourselves and invite them over, but nothing came of it.  We would for instance leave a Christmas gift at their front door with a note and not hear a thing back!  That was very weird... 

 

In 2004, Hubby's hired car driver (Iranian) invited us to join them for his wife's BDay dinner. We felt obliged to go, so we did and we met two amazing Iranian families in the process! Over the past 12 years, we saw each others kids grow up, we celebrated birthdays together and grieved the loss of loved ones together.  Still friends to this day.

 

When we bought our house in 2007, we bought it in a community and there were always many community activities such as tours, Christmas BBQs and even drinks in complete darkness on the oval during earth hour.  One of our neighbors, whom we've never met, out of the blue, came over one day and asked us to join a few of the neighbors on a wine tour to the hunter valley.  We met 3 other couples on this tour (Aussie, Kiwi, UK) had an absolute blast, and became forever friends - 9 years later, we still go away for weekends together and out for random pub dinners or pizza nights at each other's homes almost weekly.  

 

I now work for a small company of 25 staff from about 13 different countries and I've made some amazing friends! (Irish, Aussie, Kiwi, Chinese, Dutch, a Saffer, Scottish, Iranian, Fillipino, Indonesian...) We work very well together, go out together for lunch or drinks after work, play bocce together etc.  Lovely people and awesome friendships which will extend beyond our employment.  

 

When you go looking for friends, you probably won't find any. The real friends you'll make are the ones who cross your path unexpectedly.  If you put yourself out there and open your mind, you'll make amazing friends! Interestingly, we made no friends at church and no friends at our daughter's school - we only made temporary acquaintances with whom we've lost contact.  

 

The most important thing to remember is that not every South African is your friend and that people from other nationalities are amazing people with amazing stories and they will enrich your life like you never expected!  

[DXB2OZ]

To be honest, the hardest part about our recent holiday home was the ease of chatting to friends. Old friends with history together. It was, quite simply, just lovely and I hadn't realised how much I had missed it.

 

Neither of us are very outgoing which doesn't help and we tend to have small circles of real friends instead of large gatherings of acquaintances. Plus work tends to get in the way.

 

Having said that, I work with a great bunch of people, have started a few possibilities and recently "imported" one if my oldest friends from SA. So onwards and upwards.

[EmNew]

2 hours ago, DXB2OZ said:

 

 recently "imported" one if my oldest friends from SA.

They actually let us through customs and bio security - you imported quality goods ???

And gave the softest, best landing to them possible ?

 

Starting a circle of friends is never easy , especially for introverts . It was hard enough starting up in Cape Town as an outsider from Joburg. I can count very few born and bred Capetonians as friends, mostly other 'semigrants' and full immigrants from other countries. 

 

Its early days for us still, so can't predict how things will turn out for us here on the new friends front, but I still enjoy living in what I feel is a much more friendly city. I feel less invisible here, less like an outsider, so perhaps that bodes well.....

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 14, 2016 by EmNew

[RedPanda]

@EmNew "Quality goods", hey? I will have to 'inspect' them over coffee.

Importing 'old friends', I like that. Two of my friends are very seriously considering coming over, and I really hope it works out for them. We're all the same age with the same qualification, so those won't be a problem. But having only recently seriously started to consider emigration, their 'lives' aren't as neat as ours were.
It's a very good bonus plan for us though  

But I do understand that it would be best to make some new friends who know how things work, and who can teach us 'how things are done' in Australia, best for integration. So I'm glad to hear that most of the forumites at least find the Aussies friendly, that's a start.

[EmNew]

39 minutes ago, RedPanda said:

@EmNew "Quality goods", hey? I will have to 'inspect' them over coffee.
 

@Redpanda

After reading that , all I could think of was a line from what I think was in the Gothic RPG pc game series - where you would go up to merchants, and regardless of gender, they would stand provocatively with their one hand on their hip, saying " can I show you my wares? " 

 

So uhum, yes, well now, we can meet for coffee, but there will be no inspecting! 

[RedPanda]

44 minutes ago, EmNew said:

@Redpanda

After reading that , all I could think of was a line from what I think was in the Gothic RPG pc game series - where you would go up to merchants, and regardless of gender, they would stand provocatively with their one hand on their hip, saying " can I show you my wares? " 

 

So uhum, yes, well now, we can meet for coffee, but there will be no inspecting! 

 

 roflmao!

[Sunnyskies]

My advice, relax.  Be mindful of the fact that you know no one and that you need to get out and about a bit more, but don't throw yourself on people looking for a new bestie - they will run a mile!  Try and be casual and never say when you are asked a million times how are you finding the move "fine but I miss my friends"  just say "wonderful, Australians are great!" 

 

Our first real friends in Australia were also expats - Vietnamese, Philippino, Kiwis - we are all still friends.

Breaking into Aussie circles was a bit tougher, mainly due to the fact that they have had their circle of friends for 15 years and now we want to try and join in - not that easy.  We first made friends with Aussies who were also new to the community, so interstate people, or people who had moved suburbs and then slowly but surely we made friends with those who were well established.

By the time we left for Brisbane I counted Greek and Italian in my circle of friends (not easy as they are generally very family oriented and so it is quite hard to break into the inner sanctum) as well as a number of true blues.  Strangely enough in Melbourne we didn't have many South Africans in our friendship circle - we didn't live in a traditional South African neighbourhood and when we did attend South African gatherings we found we didn't really click with many South African - I do have my one forum buddy in Melbourne though.

 

The one thing that we have noticed in Brisbane versus Melbourne is that the locals are much more open and friendlier - we recently moved again (5th time in 7 years) into our own house in Brisbane after living in a rental for 7 months.  This festive season we had invitations for gatherings at all our new neighbours houses - pool parties with the kids, Christmas parties, general gatherings, and also invitations with our old neighbours that we had only lived next to for 7 months but whom had organised a welcome party for us after we moved in and whom we generally get along with really well.  On top of that we have found old friends from the old hoods (Melbourne friends who had returned to Brisbane and South African friends who also moved over) and my one Brisbane forum buddy.  Both myself and my husband commented on how much busier our social lives have been in Brisbane, and we said not only had it to do with the fact that the locals do seem friendlier, but we think that we have also acclimatised to being Australian and behave like the locals (not the freaked out newbies we once were).

 

 

[ProudlySouthAfricanInPerth]

1. How easy did you find making friends in Australia? - its always harder making friends as an adult! but after three years we are finally getting a lovely group of friends together
2. Where did you meet them? - mostly through my child's school and also via facebook groups and other meet ups with other expats
3. Did you make friends with 'the natives' (people born in Australia, or who have lived there a long time), or where/are your friends mostly expats? - its hard to meet Aussies in perth -most people are South African, English, Irish or Kiwi!!
4. Do you have children, and do you think that this played a large role in how and who you made friends with? - definitely!

 

Edited January 23, 2016 by Jordy
removed links