First year done and dusted :)

[21yearsoutofrsa]

1 hour ago, RedPanda said:

 Sorry this is pet peeve of mine. You are welcome to skip it, if you've heard the subject flogged to death.  

 

I have some difficulty understanding why some people choose to assign non-gender specific tasks to a gender??? (I know how it happens: social conditioning, from day 1.) But it boggles my mind why people don't start thinking about life critically the moment they are able to. It helps that my whole family (on all sides, including in-laws) has the same kind of approach: my aunt welds and does her share of home improvements, her husband did his share of taking care of their kids, my dad sews, my husband cooks and if things break around the house I fix them. None of these tasks need a man/woman specifically to do them, so why attach a gender? If you like doing something then do it, if you don't then negotiate around not doing it, but don't use "that's a task for a man/woman" as an excuse.

The best way I saw this summed up was in a joke poster about childrens toys:

How to know if a toy is suitable for a little boy, or a little girl?

Do you operate the toy with your genitals?

Yes- This is NOT a toy for children!!!

No- This toy is suitable for a boy or a girl.

 And how many times have you seen on this forum "my husband needs a job offer", my husband needs to pass his skills test, or words to that effect. Sometimes I just want to shout "what about your skills"

 

[RedPanda]

2 hours ago, 19yearsoutofrsa said:

 And how many times have you seen on this forum "my husband needs a job offer", my husband needs to pass his skills test, or words to that effect. Sometimes I just want to shout "what about your skills"

 

Jip.  

[Move2Aus]

Stunning, thanks so much for sharing. We are moving over to Northern Gold Coast in May and it's so nice to read comments that help you with the transition. Had a good laugh at some of the point :-) How much Omo did you take over?

[qwerty]

 

@RedPanda & @19yearsoutofrsa

You'd be surprised how many people just assume my husband was the main applicant on our visa 

[SurferMan]

LOL @RedPanda

 

There are SOME things that I prefer to do rather than my wife....like lifting 150kg boards of jarrah wood.  She cannot lift 50kg bags of concrete if she wanted to, and I happily lift those for her. We have a sort of soft agreement, she does some of the housework, I do the garden/outside. That said I do rather like your idea of sharing. i cook, I clean, I sew, I knit (VERY badly and nothing you would wear in public if you have ANY pride ) and I change nappies and do any other task required at the time. But I dont know how to operate the washing machine! She does that. I do the dishwasher, but that task has recently been allocated to the 2 eldest kids. Hehehehe. 

 

Not sure why about operating toys with privates are used...I just use boy/girl. Silly man I guess.  I treat my kids the same. 

[Sunnyskies]

7 hours ago, qwerty said:

 

@RedPanda & @19yearsoutofrsa

You'd be surprised how many people just assume my husband was the main applicant on our visa 

 

You would be surprised how many people here assume women don't work.  We will go out with people who don't know us at all or very well, my husband will be asked what he does for a living.  I won't even be asked if I work, never mind what I do.  People just assume that men are the main breadwinner and that women have nothing better to do than spend their husband's money.

 

OK, I'll get off my soapbox now.

[RedPanda]

@SurferMan Yes. That is the kind of household I'm used to living in.  I think it teaches children a 'can-do' attitude, but also to be realistic about it. (and we have the same arrangement with the washing machine and dishwasher, lol..)

It might be a something for us to get used to, the attitude that women don't work and that people don't ask then, but I'm sure we'll find ways around it. We'll just have to wait and see.

[AFreshStart]

5 hours ago, Sunnyskies said:

 

You would be surprised how many people here assume women don't work.  We will go out with people who don't know us at all or very well, my husband will be asked what he does for a living.  I won't even be asked if I work, never mind what I do.  People just assume that men are the main breadwinner and that women have nothing better to do than spend their husband's money.

 

OK, I'll get off my soapbox now.

 

Sunnyskies,

 

My first hand experience is VERY different. Here in Sydney MANY families have both parents working or even female breadwinners, the costs of living are too high not to be!

 

Thinking of my son's year of 20 students, there is only one stay-at-home Mom, her son is a 'laat lammetjie', he's 5, his siblings are 18 and 20, and their father is a Lawyer and made an agreement with her that he'd bring in the money if she raised the kids. There are two stay-at-home Dad's, of which I am one, and largely because we had two kids under 6 and childcare would have cost us $60,000+ a year, so it made more sense to be at home and has given me time to settled us, find/buy a home etc, but I'm looking to go back to work this year and have already responded to 15+ job placements, having now manged to get our daughter into week long daycare from next month. Some parents share work, Dad works 2-days a week, Mom 3, or vice versa so that they can still be available to their kids, which is my hope.

 

My wife is the breadwinner in our family and has been for years. I left my job when our son was born because we always wanted one of us to be there for them, which was a lot easier in South Africa than it is here with the costs of living in a place like Sydney. We are getting by, but part-time work would help our savings and also allow me a chance to flex my brain in a different way that parenting isn't. For over 5 years I've done the cooking, cleaning, gardening, household chores, repairs, fetched and carried our kids and done their homework/crafts/activities. Why resent my wife for her job when we are in this together for the betterment of our family? Yes, it's tough, I have moments of doubt, anxiety and the fear of being out of the workforce etc, but only I can change how I choose to respond to those feelings, I can't put the blame on my wife!

 

I truly believe that the defined gender roles are FAR more prevalent in South Africa than they are here. In my entire time of being a stay-at-home Dad in South Africa I didn't meet a single stay-at-home Dad, and here I know several and parenting is shared between both sexes and there is far more emphasis on children being able to be involved in NON GENDER specific roles and stereotypes.

 

I still recall in South Africa when taking out a life policy the broker asked what I did for a living I shared I was the Primary Caregiver to our kids, she was startled and shared she'd never in 20+ years of doing insurance come across that and asked if I wanted her to put down "House Husband" as my occupation

 

Anyways, just my 2 cents.

 

Cheers

 

Matt

 

 

 

 

 

[RedPanda]

2 hours ago, AFreshStart said:

 

I still recall in South Africa when taking out a life policy the broker asked what I did for a living I shared I was the Primary Caregiver to our kids, she was startled and shared she'd never in 20+ years of doing insurance come across that and asked if I wanted her to put down "House Husband" as my occupation

 

 

 

 Hahahaha!!! "House Husband"...sometimes the things people come up with when they are put on the spot are just priceless! (I also find the things that sometimes come from forms not having appropriate options, but forcing you to 'pick one', can be highly entertaining!)

But I'd be very glad if society was slowly moving towards a more informed, open minded place. I regard that as progress.

[BrendanH]

21 hours ago, qwerty said:

 

@RedPanda & @19yearsoutofrsa

You'd be surprised how many people just assume my husband was the main applicant on our visa 

 

Yep, my wife was the main applicant. Not afraid to admit that she got the real education while I got where I did by sheer stubornness.

[Mara]

Red Panda, you would actually be amazed at how often you hear the term House Husband in Australia, but I guess it is just as good as House Wife?

[RYLC]

13 minutes ago, Mara said:

Red Panda, you would actually be amazed at how often you hear the term House Husband in Australia, but I guess it is just as good as House Wife?

 

There's a local TV series called House Husbands. The first series was quite realistic but the second series went a bit mad. 

Edited January 16, 2016 by RYLC

[Pell]

I was the main applicant, mostly because my husband is older and scored less points on age. But yes, most people do assume he was the main applicant. 

I worked all my life, never stayed home except the three months maternity leave when I had my daughter (now it's four in SA, but back then it was three). I studied, got my honors and wrote my board exams while working and raising my daughter, while my husband travelled extensively for work and did his MBA. I had no nanny or full time help, even though in SA they were affordable, and with hindsight I should have taken advantage of that... I would have probably been a lot further along in my career had I done that, but I'm certainly not unhappy with the decision. 

Regarding old school attitudes and gender roles, I'm happier fixing stuff around the house or figuring out tech stuff rather than cooking or cleaning. Trouble is, that's gotta get done as well, and even if now my husband helps more, I still loathe it. 

Edited January 17, 2016 by Pell

[BrendanH]

43 minutes ago, Pell said:

I was the main applicant, mostly because my husband is older and scored less points on age. But yes, most people do assume he was the main applicant. 

I worked all my life, never stayed home except the three months maternity leave when I had my daughter (now it's four in SA, but back then it was three). I studied, got my honors and wrote my board exams while working and raising my daughter, while my husband travelled extensively for work and did his MBA. I had no nanny or full time help, even though in SA they were affordable, and with hindsight I should have taken advantage of that... I would have probably been a lot further along in my career had I done that, but I'm certainly not unhappy with the decision. 

Regarding old school attitudes and gender roles, I'm happier fixing stuff around the house or figuring out tech stuff rather than cooking or cleaning. Trouble is, that's gotta get done as well, and even if now my husband helps more, I still loathe it. 

 

You sound like a formidable woman

[SurferMan]

Geez Pell! Superwoman! A great read both you and AFS. 

[RedPanda]

23 minutes ago, SurferMan said:

Geez Pell! Superwoman! A great read both you and AFS. 

 

Gotta second that!

[Pell]

@BrendanH , @SurferMan , @RedPanda , 

Thank you for your kind words  (I am anything but superwoman. More like dropping balls left, right and center...).

[SurferMan]

Dropping balls..... Not something I would like to admit I am good at...LOLOL

[Sweepea]

Matt I have often read your very informative posts. hope you get a great job offer. I am interested to find out where you managed to get week long daycare in Sydney?

 

I must say the thought of giving up working and being at home for a few years is scary for me! im an accountant and love my job. I have a great package and great work/life balance ...most of the time. I am worried about giving that up and not having mental stimulation during the day. my twins are only 19m old and we are more mature viz 43 years so not being in the job market is a concern.

 

 I don't like housework so will have to make peace with not having a helper. I would rather cook or bake which I enjoy.

 

And the fact that we are going to have to live in a small apartment instead of our nice comfortable house with a playroom 2x the size of a double garage. Oh well it will be a smaller place to clean and we will have to watch it doesn't become cluttered.

 

But I do look forward to the better quality of life ito safety and job opportunities for my kids so they are not affected by EE.

 

well there I have got my stress factors off my chest...

 

Yes I know whats important to some isn't to others and its sacrifices I have to make

[DXB2OZ]

Swetpea, we have gone from big house, big fancy cars, home help right down to small(ish) house (I have two teenagers, there are some limits), no help, small car. And I feel that the quality of our family life is so much better. Sure, there are fights about getting the kids to help, but yours are young enough not to remember a time when they didn't have to.

 

we muck in together, we take delights in the small stuff and, most importantly, we have fun as a family. Yesterday, to break up the holidays, the kids took the train into town, meeting us at Flinders St station before we all heading to the Italian section for dinner at one of the restaurants, sitting on the pavement and watching Melbourne go by, afterwards, we wandered down the road to grab gelato before heading home. And it was a great evening out.

 

my point is here it is more about the simple things. Yes, you will find it hard to adjust, but you will adjust. Tackle the housework the same way you would a work project - with a plan and a strategy. And take pride in your role for the family. It is not a down grade, it is a shift in focus and something which does take strength of mind. Well done.

[Sweepea]

DXB2OZ thank you for the encouragement and support. I appreciate it. Sounds like a fabulous outing that you had with your family

[AFreshStart]

7 hours ago, Sweepea said:

Matt I have often read your very informative posts. hope you get a great job offer. I am interested to find out where you managed to get week long daycare in Sydney?

 

I must say the thought of giving up working and being at home for a few years is scary for me! im an accountant and love my job. I have a great package and great work/life balance ...most of the time. I am worried about giving that up and not having mental stimulation during the day. my twins are only 19m old and we are more mature viz 43 years so not being in the job market is a concern.

 

 I don't like housework so will have to make peace with not having a helper. I would rather cook or bake which I enjoy.

 

And the fact that we are going to have to live in a small apartment instead of our nice comfortable house with a playroom 2x the size of a double garage. Oh well it will be a smaller place to clean and we will have to watch it doesn't become cluttered.

 

But I do look forward to the better quality of life ito safety and job opportunities for my kids so they are not affected by EE.

 

well there I have got my stress factors off my chest...

 

Yes I know whats important to some isn't to others and its sacrifices I have to make

 

Hi Sweepea,

 

RE long daycare, trial, error and A LOT of patience. We live in the City, so daycares are pushed to the max. We had our names down at 6 places, all take non-refundable deposits (small amounts, $25 - $100 each). We went with the first place that we liked that could give us a DAY a week (said no to another we didn't like at all!). As the year progressed we could get a second day, and then a third. We are moving her because the current center can't give us 5-days. It's very competitive.

 

My wife is also an accountant, she's in audit as a senior manager with one of the BIG 4 and has been with them for 10-years, which is why I chose to quit my job as the stats show that less that 19% of women who leave in upper level management positions are able to get back there post children, so I chose to give up my career to support hers. It's NOT easy, there have been times when I've been flat out panicked, even resentful, but I did what was best for her, our marriage and family and would do it all again.

 

Thanks for the kind words on the job opportunities, it's been tough without a network, no local work experience etc. I've applied for 15+ jobs and only heard back from a few, though I have an interview tomorrow for the post that is at the top of my list and have been encouraged by my correspondence thus far with them both via e-mail and on the phone. It's the perfect job on paper, other than the travel time, an hour each way, but hardly insurmountable.

 

As you may have seen from my previous posts, we moved from a 3-bedroom suburban home with two cars to an 89m2 apartment in the City with 1 car and have never looked back. Out home is a respite from the world, but we live our lives outdoors.

 

Yesterday I drove over an hour to Gosford to spend 3-hours with the kids at the Australian Reptile Park then took them into the city to hang with friends in the afternoon and the moment I finish this message will be heading off to the beach with them for a morning swim before heading into Darling Harbour this afternoon to watch a family movie on the outdoor screen. There is SO much to do here, most of it FREE and we have a far better quality of life than we ever did back in South Africa. Last week we took in the Sydney Festival Family Week, FREE books form the Lawn Library in Hyde Park, a bubble disco and arts and crafts with The Australian Museum, all FREE.

 

Yes, it will be tough adjusting, but you do it - cooking, cleaning, gardening, household maintenance etc, but it builds character and makes you grateful for what you have, most of all the opportunity for this new life and fresh start.

 

A friend who recently migrated shared this on Facebook today and it resonates with our own experience(s).

 

"Immigration refreshes your lifestyle priorities -  discovering new beaches rather than new handbags. Driving an eco driven car rather than ego driven car. Spreading sunscreen instead of lipstick. Being real and chasing the 'right stuff' in life. It's taken a major location change to fully realize and embrace this."

 

RE the clutter, yes, it was easier for us than most because we are self proclaimed Minimalists, we sold/donated/gave away 90% of our possessions before we left South Africa over 2+ years and have become very conscious consumers and adopted the approach of simplicity parenting. Doing so means we have more time than home, which allows us to spend that on the things that are most important to us.

 

Wishing you all the best with the move and settling in!

 

Cheers

 

Matt

[Pippi]

Thank you so much for sharing...great post!!!

[NickiD]

Loved this post soooo much! 

[Alida]

Lovely to read your story,  Crossingover !   I remember us CT-ers all feeling stuck two years ago and lamenting about whatever we felt was holding us back,  hehe.   And here we are,  all happy and adjusted.   You  brought over Omo,  I brought over a 24x100-bags box full of my favorite organic Rooibos Tea (have a niece working at Carmien Tea factory !)  and I'm still drinking of it,  after 16 months of being here !!   My mom is coming for a visit in September we hope,  then I'll ask her to bring another box of tea   ...