One can only laugh

[Stephanisleaving]

There are many things that happen in Johannesburg that are so ridiculous, it's funny.

Like when someone in the street suddenly and randomly put on their hazard lights to let you know, "I am going to do something crazy. I won't tell you how or when, but it's coming!"

But there is one story in particular that has stuck with me.

A few months ago, when my wife and I first got engaged, we decided that we would like to married by a magistrate rather than a priest. So one fine morning, my mother and I headed into the CBD to the magistrates court to go and make an appointment.

After parking in a sand lot, we entered the building expecting to see some signs of where to go. No suck luck.

We found a guard and asked him, and he told us to go to the information desk. There was no one there. We looked around and when we turned back, suddenly, there was someone. Where she came from could not be determined. She sent us to the divorce court. Hmmm...

The divorce court was in a completely different building, in a completely different block in the city. But, having already found parking in the busy city, we decided to have a walk. When we arrived, we went to information and they told us we were in the wrong building, and needed to go to home affairs. Which to me sounded even more suspicious than the divorce court. Once again, home affairs was in a completely different building, year agin in a completely different block.

So once again, we set off, this time not knowing exactly where we were going. After an eternity of asking people, nearly being run over, passing bleeding men on the street, and get lost, we made it to home affairs.

Home affairs looked like, well... Home affairs. Busy, dirty, and smelled quite bad. After about fifteen minutes I suddenly found my religion and decided it's time to go home and find a priest.

So we walked back to the car, again through the chaos on the streets.

When we reached the car, before us stood a magistrate, large and imposing with a hat and a long black gown. I thought, this is my chance to ask him how to go about this process.

So I asked him, he looked at my mother standing at the car and said, "If you have R2000, I will marry you and your lady there now quickly"

So there I was, standing in a sand parking lot, in shorts and a t-shirt, with a magistrate that wanted to quickly, and illegally I presume, marry me to my mother for a quick two grand in the pocket.

I thought magistrates would be a bit less. Crooked!

To this day I still laugh about it.

Does anyone else have a crazy story like this?

[Stephanisleaving]

Sorry, I haven't written in a while so my grammar and other things are poor

[AndreaL]

No, I can't top that, it is hysterical. Imagine the kinds of fraud you could perpetuate when supposed officials are that corrupt.

[Erik]

Welcome to South Africa, land of opportunity *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Why didn't you just go to Randburg or Sandton, I wouldn't have braved Jhb CBD?

[Stephanisleaving]

I was told I have to go to the magistrates closest to where I live.

[Lynnie]

:ilikeit: :ilikeit:

Thanks for sharing!!

[Elmarie61]

I was told I have to go to the magistrates closest to where I live.

Above poster is my husband. (so glad he didnt marry his mom!)

Same thing happened with our police clearances... We went to park view where they refused to help us, and they sent us to sophiatown. (yikes) On the website it says pay via eft, no cash allowed, so I did. I got there to be told 'cash only ' so I had to pay again.

After this great start they couldn't find any finger print forms!! After about 30 min they found some.

Then we were told their finger print thingy at front desk doesn't work, we have to go in the 'back'.

As in...the holding sells. We went through all the locked doors and bars, and I ended up having my finger prints taken with an inmate standing a meter away in his sell staring at me. Then we were shown into the holding sell's washing room, where there is one stainless steel sink with a vrot bar of green soap. With ink over your hands you have no choice but to use this soap!

Stephan washed his hands with dettol when we got home!! We used prison soap! Eeeew!

[Joeemm]

I think I can promise things actually work in Australia (mostly like the rest of the civilised world) ;-)

Congratulations on the Visa

[Bronwyn&Co]

Stephan that is a great story!! I bet you & your mom laughed so much

We ran away & got married in the Nigel magistrates court, no dramas!

[Stephanisleaving]

It appears that when I tell people nice things about Australia, they immediately come up for South Africa to say it is as good. Now, I understand this 100% as they need to justify their staying and so I don't begrudge them whatsoever. But, some of the things they say are just funny.

The other day I was showing someone pictures of my visit to Western Australia. One of the best photos I have is of the sunset on Cottosloe beach with orange skies and ships in the distance.

The person's response was, "But we've seen that a million times at Southbroom"

What makes that comment funny is that Southbroom is a town on the EASTERN side of South Africa.

I would agree that seeing a sunset there would be far more impressive than in WA because it would mean the world has gone back-to-front.

[Stephanisleaving]

I suspect the new learners' test in SA looks something like this:

When making a left turn you

A. Put your left indicator on and turn

B. Put your right indicator on and turn

C. Put on your hazard lights

When parallel parking you

A. Put on your indicator and reverse in

B. Put on your indicator and go in forward

C. Put on your hazard lights

When a traffic light is out, you should

A. Treat it as a 4way stop

B. Go whenever you see a gap

C. Put on your hazard lights and panic

I think the trick is to answer C to everything and you will pass as that is all people seem to do here these days.

[Kurkprop]

Eish! Can you weep.

[Toitjie]

I have a story, but with a slightly different (crooked) angle....don't judge please

In the beginning of our journey the first step was passports for my family, so we applied for them at the Acasia Home Affairs branch, which is far from our home, and in midday traffic will be 1.5 hours to get home

soooo...when I got the sms that they are ready I requested my dear husband to please pick them up. He went there, and stood in a queue of about 20 people....there were still about 10 people in front of him and it was getting near 4pm, when they close promptly, whether you were served or not.

So he proceeded to ask the guy in front of him to hold his place while he quickly goes outside to do something. The something was to buy a streetwise 2 from the KFC next door. Back in the queue, he stepped slightly to the side so the lady in front could see him, and when he made eye contact, he lifted the KFC box and winked.

Within the next 60 seconds she came out of her office, called my DH and said "Sir, please come with me, your passports just arrived" (she does not know his name or surname).

So the swop was made, he got our passports before the clock struck 4 and she got an early dinner.

[Rover]

I have a story, but with a slightly different (crooked) angle....don't judge please

In the beginning of our journey the first step was passports for my family, so we applied for them at the Acasia Home Affairs branch, which is far from our home, and in midday traffic will be 1.5 hours to get home

soooo...when I got the sms that they are ready I requested my dear husband to please pick them up. He went there, and stood in a queue of about 20 people....there were still about 10 people in front of him and it was getting near 4pm, when they close promptly, whether you were served or not.

So he proceeded to ask the guy in front of him to hold his place while he quickly goes outside to do something. The something was to buy a streetwise 2 from the KFC next door. Back in the queue, he stepped slightly to the side so the lady in front could see him, and when he made eye contact, he lifted the KFC box and winked.

Within the next 60 seconds she came out of her office, called my DH and said "Sir, please come with me, your passports just arrived" (she does not know his name or surname).

So the swop was made, he got our passports before the clock struck 4 and she got an early dinner.

Awesome! :-)

[OubaasDik]

I have a story, but with a slightly different (crooked) angle....don't judge please

In the beginning of our journey the first step was passports for my family, so we applied for them at the Acasia Home Affairs branch, which is far from our home, and in midday traffic will be 1.5 hours to get home

soooo...when I got the sms that they are ready I requested my dear husband to please pick them up. He went there, and stood in a queue of about 20 people....there were still about 10 people in front of him and it was getting near 4pm, when they close promptly, whether you were served or not.

So he proceeded to ask the guy in front of him to hold his place while he quickly goes outside to do something. The something was to buy a streetwise 2 from the KFC next door. Back in the queue, he stepped slightly to the side so the lady in front could see him, and when he made eye contact, he lifted the KFC box and winked.

Within the next 60 seconds she came out of her office, called my DH and said "Sir, please come with me, your passports just arrived" (she does not know his name or surname).

So the swop was made, he got our passports before the clock struck 4 and she got an early dinner.

Y'know I shouldn't like this, I should be properly horrified, and if I was one of the poor buggers still in the queue I'd explode, but I find it funny. The way to a Home Affairs person's heart .....

Edited September 22, 2012 by OubaasDik

[Rover]

If the system does not work, learn to work the system...

[HadEnoughofJuju]

I have a story, but with a slightly different (crooked) angle....don't judge please

In the beginning of our journey the first step was passports for my family, so we applied for them at the Acasia Home Affairs branch, which is far from our home, and in midday traffic will be 1.5 hours to get home

soooo...when I got the sms that they are ready I requested my dear husband to please pick them up. He went there, and stood in a queue of about 20 people....there were still about 10 people in front of him and it was getting near 4pm, when they close promptly, whether you were served or not.

So he proceeded to ask the guy in front of him to hold his place while he quickly goes outside to do something. The something was to buy a streetwise 2 from the KFC next door. Back in the queue, he stepped slightly to the side so the lady in front could see him, and when he made eye contact, he lifted the KFC box and winked.

Within the next 60 seconds she came out of her office, called my DH and said "Sir, please come with me, your passports just arrived" (she does not know his name or surname).

So the swop was made, he got our passports before the clock struck 4 and she got an early dinner.

10 Points for ingenuity, can't beet them you just have to join them.

[Stephanisleaving]

The KFC story is a killer. Have told everyone.

I heard a story at dinner about Eskom.

Apparently they organized a massive snazzy dinner to honour the people who have been working there for 20+ years and give them an award.

The whole company was invited.

Except for the people who were due to receive the awards. Someone forgot to post their invites.

[Orion25]

Well they say when in Rome do as the Romans do, so the same should be applied to South Africa.

[Moo]

"Then we were shown into the holding sell's washing room, where there is one stainless steel sink with a vrot bar of green soap. With ink over your hands you have no choice but to use this soap!

Stephan washed his hands with dettol when we got home!! We used prison soap! Eeeew!"

I had the exact same thing happen to me when I went to organise my PCC at the Westville Police Station.

I was told to wash my hands in the holding cell while an intoxicated thug was handcuffed to a pole in the cell staring at me with his bloodshot eyes. But the worst part was the lady officer who took about half an hour to write down 5 words (I still maintain she was doing it on purpose to p**s me off!). And when I took the form back to the other lady who had taken an hour to find the appropriate documents, I noticed said police officer had written "in Westville, Dirbin".

[Orion25]

Ok I must now remember to tell people the name has changed from Durban to Dirbin, maybe thats what took her so long to write the 5 words? As her memory was in Dir-bin?

Pathetic.

[Moo]

They actually call it Dirtbin. No jokes. Coming from JHB down Fields Hill towards the sea was one of my favourite memories. Now you just cringe with the litter spread all over the show. So very, very sad.

[Orion25]

They actually call it Dirtbin. No jokes. Coming from JHB down Fields Hill towards the sea was one of my favourite memories. Now you just cringe with the litter spread all over the show. So very, very sad.

That is so sad, I don't remember things being that bad and I was last in Durban Sept last year.

Flip it's a year ago we had our last South African Holiday!!!! OMW. Just realised this while I was typing!!!!

I am sad things have deteriorated so fast, even my mom says we will be surprised at what has changed in the last 8 months since we have been here. I suppose that's whay we are here

T

[Sunnyskies]

Well, I had to get fingerprints taken in Aus once for sending back to SA for my police clearance when we were finally able to apply for PR. Arrived at the cop shop, front desk empty, rang bell, waited, waited, waited (not sure if I should ring bell again as I am a bit nervous of Aussie cops - they can be a bit in your face) - it almost felt like SA except that I was the only person in the reception area for the entire time I hung around. Finally someone came out front. Scratched their head at my query, asking for fingerprints to be taken not a common occurrence. Found a junior to assist. Taken out back through many empty corridors with solid doors and small peepholes. Everything dead silent.

Get to finger print room, then a bit of a dilemma. Apparently Australia doesn't use that black ink for fingerprints anymore. They use some snazzy stuff that doesn't leave any marks on your fingers but reacts with the paper and leaves a mark (or something like that). Hunt around for black ink. I'm a novelty, the officer hasn't actually had a South African in the cop shop before - usual questions: "why did you come here", "do you like Australia", "are you settling in" etc etc. Finally black ink out, forms examined, we have worked out what to do - abandon SA forms, she gets out Aussie fingerprint forms which are much roomier. Get finger print on page in the right spot is my job (contrary to SA where they roll your finger around for you). I'm so brainwashed from the SA system where having fingerprints taken is a matter of course every couple of years I query with the officer whether she should be pushing my finger down. Nah, she says - I'm sure you can get it right. "We only handle perps like that".

Now I'm covered in black ink, as they don't only do fingers, but also palms and sides of hands. How to get off black in? Bit of a problem, as black ink is so seldom used they don't have the prison soap anymore (brief moment of missing having fingerprints taken at Linden police station where the soap got the stuff off even if you felt the need to take a shower when you got home).

Done, but no official mark on the document to indicate which station we are at or even that we are at a cop shop - apparently also not done here. I know that is going to be a problem in SA, where the police love using their stamps on everything. Tell her my problem and she says no worries mate, we will find you a stamp.

Finally stamped, slightly stained but ready to lodge forms for SA police clearance. Hope I don't have to do that again, I'm worried they really won't have any black ink anymore if I ever have to go back.

[Bronwyn&Co]

When I had mine done in Adelaide they called all the junior cops to come in and watch. It was a big novelty for them to use real ink...