Daughter miserable

[bluebonnet]

We are still here in SA but just wanted to share my own experiences of school change. My son started grade one in a mainstream school from a very nurturing Montessori environment. It has been rough! I am amazed at how some people raise there children. This is a good school and yet i cant believe that children are so aggressive, steal etc! I ask myself: Have i been protecting my kids too much? However we are slowly starting to pull through the experience and he is adjusting.

When i was trying to help him through the process i decided that if school was the "hard" space right now, i needed to make home the "soft" space. I tried the following techniques which seemed to have helped:

* Cognitive reframing: Helping him to feel in control by identifying how he could manage different situations. Asking him each day what was good about today and what are you looking forward to tomorrow? Sometimes it was just the tuck shop, but it was something!

* Actively creating space to talk about his feelings. Acknowledging the difficulties. Talking about how i have struggled to fit in at times. How i have struggled to make new friends etc.

* Giving lots of positive feedback and reiterating to him that he has the ability to cope with this change.

It was made worse for me in that he develops a slight stutter when he is stressed.

Hang in there. I do believe that change can be positive and children are really adaptable. They can grow and develop great life skills if they can get through this. Sometimes we dont have to rescue our children, just acknowledge the difficulties they face and remind them: "I love you, i am right behind you, you are not alone and you CAN do this. I believe in you."

Al

Excellent post. I remember my daughter and son in elementary school, intermediate..and even Junior high...they both "involved" me with what was happening at school. ..chatted away at the dinner table..and it was wonderful to ask them about their day and listen to what they had to say.

BUT...High School....different story..we then hear very little what is going on, and only years after my daughter graduated from High School she told me about what some of the students were up to...stuff I could hardly believe. My son won't say much, except when it is about school work.

I spoke to my daughter just yesterday..she is at University in Zurich now, and she said it again.."High School was a nightmare"

I enjoyed high school...but that was in the 70's...long ago.

[Sean Udal]

Hi,

I teach at a Catholic School - Shalom College and the kids are great. Nothing like what you have mentioned.

Actually it is a lot better than my last SA school. We have children from lots of different churches,

and so you do not have to be Catholic.

Feel free to contact me for more info.

Cheerio

Sean

[Settled]

Hi all

Just to give some encouragement in general

For financial reasons had to move my daughter from a private CT school to a completely different area (where the gov schools are considered very good) at the beginning of grade 10..

Every morning my heart broke as she cried and hated me, the school, in fact everything.... I doubted my judgement, I wondered what I could have done financially to save her this "suffering" and sadness, whether I did the right thing moving areas, and not settling for a less that satisfactory option .....

A year later, she has a lovely group of friends, (better than the previous crowd), and has settled. I am really pleased that following my gut feel has paid off. I feel a bit more confident as a mom again.....

And I know, that when we have to move again, presumably to Oz, but throughout her life, new challenges, colleges, uni, jobs etc, she will be more able to adjust.... it's just so darn hard to watch your kids hurt a bit at times.

It will pass, and you're doing this all for their good....... even though they don't see long term.... HANG IN THERE,...... all these concerned parents, .......we are on the right track because we are doing what we think best.

J

[noordhoeker]

Hi all

Just to give some encouragement in general

For financial reasons had to move my daughter from a private CT school to a completely different area (where the gov schools are considered very good) at the beginning of grade 10..

Every morning my heart broke as she cried and hated me, the school, in fact everything.... I doubted my judgement, I wondered what I could have done financially to save her this "suffering" and sadness, whether I did the right thing moving areas, and not settling for a less that satisfactory option .....

A year later, she has a lovely group of friends, (better than the previous crowd), and has settled. I am really pleased that following my gut feel has paid off. I feel a bit more confident as a mom again.....

And I know, that when we have to move again, presumably to Oz, but throughout her life, new challenges, colleges, uni, jobs etc, she will be more able to adjust.... it's just so darn hard to watch your kids hurt a bit at times.

It will pass, and you're doing this all for their good....... even though they don't see long term.... HANG IN THERE,...... all these concerned parents, .......we are on the right track because we are doing what we think best.

J

You are so right. We are doing it for them. Well my little ones 8 and 5 are just adjusting after moving from Durban to Cape Town- 2years ago and now we are off to Oz. Feel so sorry for them having to start up again. I did it many a time in my growing up and i have to say it does not always make you stronger but things always work out in the end. It might just take a while.

[Jera]

We are still here in SA but just wanted to share my own experiences of school change. My son started grade one in a mainstream school from a very nurturing Montessori environment. It has been rough! I am amazed at how some people raise there children. This is a good school and yet i cant believe that children are so aggressive, steal etc! I ask myself: Have i been protecting my kids too much? However we are slowly starting to pull through the experience and he is adjusting.

When i was trying to help him through the process i decided that if school was the "hard" space right now, i needed to make home the "soft" space. I tried the following techniques which seemed to have helped:

* Cognitive reframing: Helping him to feel in control by identifying how he could manage different situations. Asking him each day what was good about today and what are you looking forward to tomorrow? Sometimes it was just the tuck shop, but it was something!

* Actively creating space to talk about his feelings. Acknowledging the difficulties. Talking about how i have struggled to fit in at times. How i have struggled to make new friends etc.

* Giving lots of positive feedback and reiterating to him that he has the ability to cope with this change.

It was made worse for me in that he develops a slight stutter when he is stressed.

Hang in there. I do believe that change can be positive and children are really adaptable. They can grow and develop great life skills if they can get through this. Sometimes we dont have to rescue our children, just acknowledge the difficulties they face and remind them: "I love you, i am right behind you, you are not alone and you CAN do this. I believe in you."

Al

Beautiful post! Thank you AllisonW! I especially enjoyed the last part:

Sometimes we dont have to rescue our children, just acknowledge the difficulties they face and remind them: "I love you, i am right behind you, you are not alone and you CAN do this. I believe in you."

[MandyC]

Reporting back:

If you are not Catholic and plan to live in the Berwick area, cross St Francis Xavier off your list. I was asked if I was Catholic and after hearing the answer no, I was duly told that the school was full. This is understandable seeing that this is the only Catholic senior school in the area. They want the openings for the Catholic children and I certainly respect that.

So after many phone calls, I came across a lovely Christian private school that ticked all my boxes, they have pastoral classes and there is a definate religious presence. Her first day was yesterday and because of the previous bad experience she was a nervous wreck, many tears on the way to school. But the moment she walked into the door the staff were warm, inviting and somehow made her relax.

My whole day was filled with apprehension for when I had to collect her from school, what state will she be in? Well I worried unneccesarily, she was relaxed and was brimming with the days events. This was a blessing. This morning I dropped her at school, no tears, out the car and she was gone. So as the next couple of weeks progress I can only assume that this will end in one big positive. So far so good.

Taryn has told me that there is swearing, but not to the degree of the other school and it seems to be one child in particular in her class. So, yes there will always be bad elements, but it is up to her to remove herself from these elements if she so wishes, but the saving grace is that the kids attitudes are better, they listen in class, they are helpful and a lot warmer plus they have respect for their teachers.

Now to put these past two weeks behind us and look to the future, it seems its alot brighter without this shadow hanging over us.

Thanks for all the tips and help with this - it gave me direction and I doubt I would have found this school if I had not posted this thread and would have had a totally different outcome, could have ended up worse. Thanks a mil

[kento]

Hi Mandy

My two boys aged 14 & 17 arrived in April last year. My wife & I arrived a month before them. They have still not fully settled, my oldest son is still upset that he was not allowed to finish his maric year in South Africa and he misses his mates alot. Everyday for us is like a roller coaster ride with him. He has made loads of friends here and goes out alot but would still prefer to be in SA. He is in Gr 12 now and is counting the days till the end of the year so he can go back to Durban. He is taking a gap year with some of his mates from SA next year. Its very difficult for them, and as parents its tough too as you make these big decisions to move over here and often expect your kids to also embrace your decision and reasons for leaving. But for most they are not really interested in your reasons, they live in there own world where there mates are everything. Especially for the older kids who are in high school. It does take some time to settle. My youngest is also battling but not as much as his brother. Again our advise to them has been that it takes time. It takes time to form true friendships, and trust. For my boys they have left behind friends that they started play school with. So it is hard and we as parents need to remember that at times they are still children and sometimes they give us a hard time because they too are hurting and finding it difficult. The schools are also quiet different to SA. Maybe its where we are but you dont get the same School Spirit as we got at the likes of Kearsney, Clifton, Michaelhouse. School sports are not as strong. Club sports are stronger (again it couyld be where we live)

I think again when choosing schools be it a State or Private School you need to take into account what type of kid you have. There are some good State Schools and there are not so good Private schools so you need to do your homework. If the environment is good you will be happy if its not then you wont be. Again for many of us, we dont have much of a choose initially, but as time goes on we get to know more and we can then start to change those things that we are not happy about.

[Roxy]

Hi Mandy, I'm so glad you found a good school for your daughter. This is my daughter's first year in HS and we've moved her into a private Christian school. She was being bullied so badly in the primary state school there was NO way I could send her to HS with the same kids!!! The first day I cried and was also very apprehensive about leaving her there but its all worked out wonderfully. She's nearing the end of the first term and she is HAPPY!!! She is her old self again the gorgeous little girl we hadn't seen in nearly 18mths!!!

The one thing the Principle told us is that generally people who put their kids in private schools value education (obviously cos they're willing to pay for it) and therefore they teach their children the same value which benefits our children because there is less distraction in class.

I have a friend, whose daughter is in a state HS. They are educated ppl, (accountant and nurse) and their daughter spends her days updating her FB status from her mobile in class!!!! I was horrified. In my daughter's school they are allowed to take phones, ipods, DSi's etc but they have to hand them into the office at the start of the day and if caught with them in their bags they are confiscated for the term!!!! I think its FANTASTIC. In the state HS they listen to their ipods during class!!!! Now I dont understand if I as an immigrant can see the problem here how on earth cant these educated people?? Would you not want whats best for your child. It goes beyond the bullying to me. How much work can you get done listening to an ipod or updating your fb status in class????

Just my little rant

Glad things are working out for you