hubby keeps changing his mind

[strawberry]

Hello...

I am at my wits end !!!!My hubby suggested the Aus Seminar he was the keen one , and now the house is sold...and just a matter of getting the job offer and we are off!!!

He has not had a job in a year!!!!and now we finally get some interest in him from Aus after forever, of emails ....

and a South African company is offering him a GOOD job good perks etc etc.....

Now we are waiting to hear the proposal from Auz and if he got the job in South Africa...

I am trying to convince him that the job is great BUT what about the long term ...our kids , this country....the corruption the safety u knw the drill....

The interest has come from Cairns - Cooktown - I believe it to be a holiday island ...JUST WHAT I NEED...but he says yes the grass is not always greener...and cos its"outback" no Aus would take the position....

Please help me!!!is the grass greener? does anyone know "Cooktown"?

My hubby is a butcher so we checkedthe wages and they r not to fantastic so he is concerned once again about this...They say the "ward" or "award" wages(not sure what this is ??)is about $700 dollars a week ??

Please someone give me reality hear and what to do .I want hime to come over there and look for himself , but I am worried if own his own will just look at the negative...ANY ANY SUGGESTIONS???/

[Dreamcatcher]

Hi Strawberry,

I am sorry to hear about hubby's "cold feet". This is very common and I know at least two other people personally, who is going through this same thing. It is hard, and it is not at all good for your marriage or family life. In the end, he is going to have to change his attitude, otherwise, you might come over here, and he will blame you for everything that might go wrong. I sincerely hope you can sort this out.

About living and working in the "outback"; there are a few of us that can tell you more about it. I for one, love it. The people here are extremely friendly - and I'm not comparing them to the cities, because I have not been to one yet! Only Perth for a weekend, but that is it. The people here (in the regional areas) try very hard to retain the population, and are therefor very tolerant of strangers, and extremely welcoming. Money is usually better than in the cities. If you live in area classified as regional, you qualify for a percentage rebate on your weekly rent, even on a 457 visa. $700 a week, might be a bit low but you could survive if you really wanted to. I find that things like basic food and clothes are very cheap, and "luxuries" are a bit more expensive. Find out what else the offer includes, such as housing or vehicle allowance, will they pay for your medical fund, or do you have to pay it yourself?

I don't believe the comment about no Aussies want the job, cause it's in the outback is quite true. Here, there are seldom enough people to fill all the vacancies, especially in specialised occupations. It is true that most Aussies live around the coast, but it's just a case of, "because they can!"

Good luck on your tough position, I really hope you get it sorted out.

Greetings,

Dreamy

[Otto]

The outback is only good for flies. All people in the outback are unrefined rednecks. Outback people are inbreeders who will eat anything alive, and wear hats with corks attached. Lots of SA'ns go to the outback and come back to SA, because it is so rotten there. All houses ar sinkpondokkies or prefab hovels. The outback is dry and featureless and dull. There are no proper shops in the outback, and no other facilities.

Now this is the opinions that I get from SA on the area I now call home, and I call them Rooi Rose / Huisgenoot stories. It is utter BS, and I prefer my NSW country town to ANY country town in S Africa. The only way is to go and see for yourself, 90% of the stuff I read and heard of Aus (apart from this forum and another forum), is utter BS.

The only true reflection of certain aspects of the outback I have ever seen is the Outback magazine, published by RM Williams (die oorle oom wat die ozzie bootse en duur hemde maak), and, of course, you cannot say in SA that the Boland platteland is the same as the Northern Natal Countryside, so outback is not the same in Vic as it is in NT. But it still is a hell of a lot better than the dark continent!

[Dreamcatcher]

Otto,

You almost had me on my broomstick there until I caught my breath and read the rest of your post. phew....

I agree with you, the outback is different everywhere, but it is a great place. I don't think you (we) would like it so much, had you first lived in one of the more scenic areas, but in comparison to the lifestyle in SA, there is no contest at all. At least we can live in the outback, and dream about a "huisie by die see" and in this country the chances of that dream coming true, is actually there.

We were looking at the new VW that just came out, and as usual, I said to hubby, "One day when I'm all grown up, I want one of those!" He just looked at me and said, "You know what, we could actually afford one of those in a years' time!" It is things like that, that just shocks me into reality - life is so much better here.

Greetings,

Dreamy

[Cindylou]

Jeepers Otto - you gave me quite a shock! Good one!

The regional areas in Australia that I have been to are amazing - civilized yet peaceful - and I think a lot of us who grew up in small towns in SA are able to settle easily. I think it is a matter of personality as well, if you're a "bright lights big city" person you'll never be happy in any small town anywhere in the world.

Strawbs, you need to ensure that you have all the facts BEFORE you make this move. Immigrating is stressful and you both need to be really committed to the move and pull together - do you really need to get to Aus and then at the first hurdle the hubby turns and says "I told you so" ? Get answers to all the questions Dreamy posted and then see if the job offer makes financial sense. If not then carry on looking and perhaps you'll find something better.

Good luck

Cindylou

[ExASP]

Otto!!!....I was just getting worked up about your posting until i read the rest. I agree with all..find out all you can befor coming over but I live in the middle of nowhere and it looks like Beufort West or Graaff Reinet..but it has much more facilities than those two towns..it is not as bad as some people make it out and many of them who have an opinion has never even been in the outback at all.

Good Luck.

[Guest boeta]

Hi Strawberry

Ja otto I see that your introduction had all the zaffers up in arms until they read your second paragraph, next time you should maybe open by saying "quote unquote" that will lighten the load for you, I can understand that you are maybe an angry South African but have a quick look at my profile

I have PM'ed Strawberry privately about the area where her husband can possibly find a job now ou maat, if you go to Google and type in "Cairns" and "Cooktown" you might find that it is not so outbackish as you would think.

Cairns is actually in the middle of tropical rainforests and beatiful reefs Cooktown is actually slightly more rural but not outback like you have in your neck of the woods, plus ou pal they have just sealed the road to Cooktown which would make it the next boom town in Australia, next to Port Douglas (where all the movie stars hang out).

So yes, before being opinionated (injest) come up to Cairns for a beer and a braai and you will notice that this aint outback.

Strawberry, my father always told me speak to the doctor and not the disease.

Regards

Boeta

Edited June 15, 2006 by boeta

[Guest Seoul Sister]

Dear Strawberry.

Ever since I read your posting, I have had your situation in the back of my mind. I am really worried about your circumstances, and even tho' I tend to stick to light-hearted and chatty topics on the forum, this is an exception. Many of the responses you have had, touch upon issues that I agree with, and I find them aspects to seriously consider before moving an inch.

It is important for me, that you know, I am not saying any of this to criticize you or your decisions. I am being honest, truthful and open as I have committed myself to helping Saffers in the best way that I can, and I am seriously concerned about what you have described.

Before you move anywhere I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious discussion on what you want from life, what you want your life to be like and how you want to tackle the future together. I sense from your posting that the two of you are not on the same page with regard to what you are expecting from the future and this is a major hurdle. I completely understand your views on wanting to get out of SA for the sake of a safer and better future. The fact that your husband doesn't share this opinion is in my opinion a show-stopper. Real motivation is something that comes from within. You can influence, control, bribe, manipulate, charm, threaten, seduce, entice etc your husband all you want, if he doesn't really deep in his heart believe there are better options than living in SA, you are headed for disaster. He needs to see the light first. He needs to believe in his heart that there are better places to live and that you can make a better future elsewhere. I have no idea what the switch will be for him. For some it is losing a friend/ family member to violence, for some it is being shot, losing a limb, hearing/seeing something on the news, etc. The fact that HE was the one suggesting the seminar and that things have progressed as far as selling the house, is probably an indication that he is at some level aware of the problems and future prospects in SA... I think you should discuss whatever sparked his immigration ideas with him at length, it might jog his memory to why he started this in the first place ?

Immigration is extremely tough. I would not suggest moving anywhere until the two of you are a team, motivated to build a future together. He will need your support and encouragement, but will also need to be motivated within himself. It needs to be a DECISION he makes. I strongly believe : Where there's a will, there's a way. Once you have decided what you want, and that you both want this, it won't matter whether you end up in Sydney, Alice Springs, or Bunbury nor whether he is earning Aus$ 10 000 a month or Aus$ 4 000. Together you will find a way to make it work. I have seen horrific things happen to families under the pressure of immigration. I have seen many, many couples divorce, families torn apart, with moms deported back to South Africa, children living on the other side of the world from their dads, we even had a friend who cracked under the pressure of living in a country he hated in an attempt to keep his wife happy, turn into an abusive husband... I don't want any of this ever happening to you. Ppl underestimate how stressful immigration is, and the pressure it places on your marriage. It is stressful enough when you are working together as a team, I don't even want to think what it must be like when you are both pulling in different directions.

I am thinking of you and I hope you will accept my advice in the sincere and serious manner it is intended. I hope you manage to find a solution that you are both happy with.

Good luck, please let me know if I can help somehow !

Love

SS

[Mara]

Well said Seoul Sister.. I could not have put it better myself!

[Guest Jules]

Hi Strawberry

I know it is probably hard for you to accept but Seoul Sister is right. Several years ago I found myself in much the same situation as you are in now. We went to Europe in 1999 for a holiday and it really unsettled me. I knew when I came back that I did not want to live in South Africa anymore. Unfortunately my husband wasn't very enthusiastic about leaving at the time. We had a fairly successful business in our little dorpie on the West Coast and he was settled and happy and wasn't about to trade that in for something unknown. For several months I begged, pleaded and came up with all sorts of suggestions and plans to leave. He aggreed with me that the future in South Africa was iffy for us and the children and would often be enthusiastic about my plans for a couple of days and even come up with a few suggestions of his own, but then he would backtrack and go back to his comfort zone and say that it wasn't a good idea. It was a very trying and frustrating time for us. He did say that he would emigrate but that he wasn't convinced that it was a good idea for us. Much as I wanted to just go ahead with the process anyway I held back as I knew that if I didn't have his full support it would probably not turn out the way I wanted it to and he would blame me all the way for everything that went wrong.

He needs to believe in his heart that there are better places to live and that you can make a better future elsewhere. I have no idea what the switch will be for him

His switch came in the form of two strangers. We were having a lazy afternoon at hubby's garage. Not much was happening and a camper van pulled in to the yard. A couple in their fifties were touring around South Africa and Namibia and had a minor problem with their van so they asked if hubby could have a look at it. Anyway they turned out to be really nice people and they spent the best half of the afternoon chatting to us, long after the van was ready to go again. They had toured around Australia and were telling us about it from their perspective and comparing it to South Africa. For some reason their words made an impact on him, although they didn't really say anything profound or vastly different to what he had been hearing for the last year from me. That night he said to me I should download the forms and we would have a look at them. I was over the moon. FINALLY he had seen the light!!

Anyone who has been through the process knows that it is an uphill battle. There are times when you feel like giving up, you go through a whole range of emotions, sometimes all of them in one day. You have to deal with the sometimes very unpleasant reactions of friends and family. All of this is coupled with the thought that you really don't know what you are letting yourself in for. You can't predict how it will all turn out and what your life will be like once you get to Australia. It will probably be the biggest decision of your life and the most difficult journey that you will make. You need the support from your partner. Once my hubby had made his decision he didn't look back and threw himself into it and was behind me 100%. When things don't go according to plan here he doesn't blame me for bringing us here, we are in it together and he takes responsibility too. This is the way it has to be, please don't even think about doing it without your husbands full support. Everyone on the forum is here to give you both encouragement, advice and reassurance every step of the way but you have to both be ready to make the journey together.

I wish you all the best of luck and I hope you can resolve the situation..

Love

Julie

[Dreamcatcher]

Hi there,

Dear Strawbs, hang in there. It took ten years for my hubby to make up his mind! But when he finally did, it was his own decision, and he felt good about it.

All that time he was feeling insecure, and was not sure that he would be "good enough" for Australia, he was afraid that his qualifications would not be adequate and that our visas would be declined. Men have this traditional resposibility to their families, and some of them take it very seriously.

My hubby was extremely stressed through the whole process of applying for jobs, (he only had one job all his life!). He had never had an interview before, and it was a big thing for him. The biggest problem was that he did not believe in himself enough. I, on the other hand, never had any doubt in him!

You should have seen him the day they told him he had the job in Aus....

My hubby had suddenly changed and he just GLOWED. He had proved all the sceptics wrong, including himself. From that day on, he was a more confident person. Even his family had to agree that he has finally found himself, and the change was amazing. They did not want us to go, but even they could see what it did for him.

I know it can be very difficult, and you sometimes feel you can just scream. The best way to sway their minds is to be supportive, and positive (It's hard, I know). And someday, out of the blue, something or someone will "throw their switch". Usually, not you. Just be ready for the moment, because when they decide, you start a heady rollercoaster ride!

We're all with you.

Greetings

Dreamy

[Guest Noeks]

My heart goes out to you Strawbs and I think Seoul Sister's response (and everybody else's, for that matter) is just spot on! Hope you sort it all out sooner than later. Good luck!