Same old same old...

[Guest colton]

I am sure you have ALL heard the same thing over and over but this is my FIRST time experiencing it and it is making me livid

I'm talking about those people who offer their "advice" on your immigration plans and how they all know "someone" who immigrated but didn't make it and how unhappy they are there, etc. etc. If anyone knows who this "someone" is could you please tell them to butt out of my life. I was generally a well liked person in my community, active in my church, kids schools, sports clubs, etc. but since people have got wind of us leaving attitudes have changed and we have become outsiders.

As I have mentioned in previous posts we have been to Oz twice and travelled internationally quite a bit so we are well informed of the facts as far as immigration is concerned. We have made the decision to immigrate based on facts and no-one's opinions to the contrary are going to change our minds. Why I am so mad is because now we aren't invited to socials, my daughter has had her lead role in a dance routine taken away, my son wasn't invited to a weekend away with his "mates", my hubby's boss is sulking and making his life hell, my one sister-in-law phoned and said she wouldn't be wasting her money on phone calls to us anymore because there is no point in trying to keep up the relationship if we are leaving.

What is wrong with this picture? I think they are just jealous because they can't go and we can, but still it hurts and I now want to lie when people ask if we are leaving. I know you have all experienced it in some way but to me it is a first and I really wasn't prepared for this reaction. I really thought "not us", everyone likes us, boy was I wrong!!!

[DesertDaisy]

I know, its ridiculous, isn't it?

[ExASP]

Oh dear...I know the feeling...sometimes some of them change their attitudes....

[Guest Larry]

I think that these people are trying to prove to themselves that their decision to stay is the right one.

A life-long friend of my father's was "extremely disappointed" that we (parents included) had moved to New Zealand. Letters that he sent were extremely scathing of my parents' decision. But he was a very intelligent and far-sighted man..... Just before he died about 6 years ago, he wrote my father a letter telling him that he (my father) had done the right thing for his children and grandchildren.

An old friend of mine has had nothing to do with me since I left SA. She has treated it almost as a personal betrayal. A couple of years back, a mutual friend of mine and this lady also moved across to Australia. She has now also been ostracised. - Another "personal betrayal"!

Aah well... Sighhh!

[Dreamcatcher]

Hi Colton,

All we can say is, just hang in there! We have all been through it, in some way or the other. Just think, if the boss is sulking, that means that your hubby is a good worker, and they are sad to lose him! Points for you

As I said before, if someone tells you about someone who knows someone who came back, just ask for the name and phone number of this person, as you would really like to talk to them about their experience. They will soon back off, because it is mostly urban legend.

Otherwise, grow a thick skin and let it go. When you are here, you will see that it was all worth it. Even though you will lose many friends, and even family in the process, you will have the once in a lifetime opportunity to weed out the "traitors" in your circle. It hurts, but you will get through it.

We are all behind you.

Good luck,

Dreamy

[Caroline]

Colton

At first I was astounded but I have realised that this is quite common. Peter and I recieve letters'emails every day from South Africans in the UK,Oz, Canada and other places telling us how their family and friends 'turned' on them.

It is truly a South African phenomena! And yes, I agree-I also think that it has a lot to do with jealousy. The really ironic thing is that we hear so many stories of how the family and friends that criticised - ended up overseas themselves!

All the best of luck

Caroline

[Marius]

Most people are simply jeolous. The rest didn't make it here because THEY couldn't adjust ar WOULDN'T adjust to life here. Some missed their "help"around the house etc or miss family. They have to justify their return and some make up garbage like that to mask their own failure. Others are simply very ill informed and have never been oversees, yet are experts.

THAT is how it is in my humble opinion. Ignore it, you know the reasons for your decision and do not have to justify or ask permission to seek a better life and future for your family.

[Mara]

Hi Colton

I feel for you, I know exactly what you mean. We had no choice but to mostly keep it a secret when we decided to leave 13 years ago, we were very glad that we did. We only let on about two weeks before we left and the change in attitude, for the worse, was astounding. I had hoped that after such a long time, people had matured a bit, but it seems it is as bad as ever. Good luck, I hope you survive all of this, just keep thinking of the end goal and how good life is going to be without burglar bars!

[Guest colton]

Thanks for the support. I agree it is a South African thing.............huh: My family were discussing it this morning and we realize that our family of five are the only important ones whose opinion counts. We have always lived far away from family and have only had ourselves to rely on so nothing is really going to change. Whether we live in SA or Aus it is the same, just us five!

Nevertheless to keep the peace we are not giving a definite leave by date, we will only say "some time in the future", or "our visa allows us four years in which to make the move", hopefully this will make it a little easier on us. Isn't it sad how we have to deceive others to keep the peace?

[Ajay]

Hey Colton,

I think we can all relate to this very frustrating reality. Read my post called "My Epiphany" for my take on what causes it (sorry I can't include the hyperlink here - not savvy enough )

Love

Ajay

[Dedrei]

Here is the link to Ajay's post http://www.saaustralia.org/index.php?showtopic=372&hl=

I know what you are going through, it is quite sad really if you think about it.

[Annette]

Yup, we've been through this as well - not once, but twice!

I think this might not be such a South African phenomenon as some people think. We lived in the UK for just over 7 years after leaving SA in 1998 and having been through all of this "rejection" the first time we emigrated, have just been through it again! My daughter (14) especially, was really traumatised by the fact that suddenly her group of friends started excluding her, planning parties without her, her band started arranging gigs without her, she was dropped from the school play, excluded from a dance show by her dance school etc. I think maybe we shouldn't read too much into this. One, people move on and for practical reasons make their plans, knowing that you won't be a part of it anyway, so don't include you and two, friends and family go through quite a bit of pain and sadness and maybe "ignoring" someone is a way of dealing (or denying and not having to deal with) this pain... . One of my daughter's friends recently wrote to her and apologised for treating her badly just before she left. She actually admitted that it was too painful talking to her, even just seeing her and that she (the friend) felt like crying every time she was near her, and so just avoided this altogether, in order not to lose face and embarrass herself in front of other teenagers... Gosh, this makes my cry just writing it down...

I have a lot of contact with British expats due to our connection with the UK and let me tell you there are an awful lot of people going through this. It's a worldwide phenomenon and I think it's probably because we're all just human beings and often react to situations in similar ways. It's a horribly sad thing to leave so many friends and family behind and it's just as horribly sad for them... as people have said before, similar in emotional impact to divorce or even death of a loved one. It hurts like hell, and sometimes (often) it's easier for people to cut out the source of the pain, than deal with it...

Just my two cents' worth ...

Ajay - your Epiphany piece was profound!

Edited June 9, 2006 by Annette

[Queensland Girl]

Dear Colton

We experienced EXACTLY the same when we left Durban 5 years ago. Some were downright nasty.

One said to me in a nasty voice-"so-you are running away to Australia-where will you run away to when Indonesia attacks Australia?"

Keep a low profile, let people know who need to know, DONT justify why you are leaving-just say it is a huge economic opportunity and get on with what you have to do!

[Jacobus]

Hi all

When people start questioning why we are moving, I have found telling them "because we want to" generally leaves them with no argument and they let it be....

Jacobus

[melissa]

Hello

Yes I know that one! Arrived here in1984 and have not heard from many of my friends for years. It is not through lack of trying. I say, they are jealous!