priceless

[jvandyk]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. one of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to

reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" sheinquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in mymost loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she

informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

“Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with

my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In

fact, that isn't EVER going to happen . . . Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . . . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just . . that .. . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its teeny little . . ." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs.

[Guest wilna]

Klink bekend, ons het al enige iets vearts toe gevat, van veldmuise tot 'n verkleurmannetjie wat uit die boom geval het. Hy is toe na so 2 dae by die vearts dood, glo iets giftigs geëet. Raai wat se die vearts vir my, "daar is 'n rede waarom hy uit die boom uit geval het dis maar die natuur".

Maar wat sê jy nou vir jou seuntjie as hy net die diertjie wil help.

Die veldmuise was 'n ander storie, my sus het 'n winkel gehad en kry toe die klomp baba streepmuisies in haar stoorkamer, die mamma was dood maar sy kon dit nie oor haar hart kry om die babas dood te maak nie en wat doen sy, sy bring hulle na my huis toe.

O genade, manlief kry amper 'n oorval maar die besluit is geneem, ons gaan hulle grootmaak.

Kry een van daai pypies by die apteek wat hulle gebruik om 'n drip in te sit om as bottel te dien, die pypie is nog te dik en hulle suig maar so aan die druppeltjie op die punt. Ek moes hulle elke 2 ure kos gee en op 'n warmwatersak hou want hulle was net gebore so pienk en kaal met hulle naalstringetjies nog aan.

Daar was eers 6 maar met die tyd en baie gehuil het net 2 groot geword, een aand kom daai muise toe uit die hok, jong is dit moeilik om 'n streepmuis met die hand te vang, die goed hardloop en spring beter as 'n kangaroo.

Wat interesant is is dat al is hulle met die hand groot gemaak was net 1 mak die ander een kon jy later nie aan raak nie, hy byt vreeslik.

Wat het toe van die muise geword? Hulle het altwee so week na mekaar siek begin word. Ons het hulle natuurlik vearts toe gevat en hy sê toe dit is longontsteking omdat hulle nie aan hulle mamma gedrink het nie was hulle immuunstelsel nie wat dit moes wees nie.

Hulle het medisyne gekry ens. maar op die ou einde dit nie gemaak nie.

Gelukkig het ons 'n baie oulike vearts,

Groete Wilna

Edited September 11, 2007 by wilna

[Jen]

Brilliant!! Could not stop laughing!!