Telling the kids

[Tntaglia]

So if all goes well we'll know in the next 2-3 weeks whether I have a new job in Sydney (although that timeline was originally end June, so who knows). So far we have told a few close friends and my in-laws (we're very close). The kids don't know yet. If it happens we will probably apply for visas immediately but the actual move will be March-May next year regardless of whether we get visas earlier, in all likelihood. And given how many times timelines have changed in the last 4 months, even that may be pushed out by a year.

 

The main reason we haven't told the kids is that we don't want to raise anxiety for them. My oldest especially has a vivid imagination and gets anxious very quickly, plus she's the type of kid who makes super close relationships with friends - so there will be loads of tears when she learns that she will say goodbye to her school and friends and see family much less frequently. I definitely don't want to do that to her unless we're almost entirely sure it's going to happen. At the same time I want to give her some time to process.

 

Our situation is I guess a bit unique since this wasn't a long process of considering whether we should leave the country etc, we hadn't really ever thought about it and then this job offer fell into my lap out of the blue. So it's not like they've heard us talk about leaving the country or anything like that. And since we've heard about the job we've been fairly conscientious about what we say in front of them, but we have encouraged my oldest to start email contact with her friend who left SA for Sydney a year ago and we're talking a lot about what is important and what is not, etc. 

 

Anybody want to give advice or been-there-done-that stories on how telling the kids went down?

 

[SurferMan]

Hi @Tntaglia

 

1: Adventure
2: Awesome

3: New stuff

4: TELL YOUR MATES!

5: You need to decide what is best, I been on this forum the best part of 8 years and man alive. People like Mara, Yordy, OBD and a ton of others...helped me beyond belief.

 

Your kids will get Auss WAAAAY before you do. lol.

 

Here it comes Surferman style.  You are the parents of your kids. I wont bore you with the SA/Aus stories, there are enough on either side. I have 3 kids, my view, would never trade their lives for SA. Story closed. C'mon over and enjoy a bloody great life, I have to pick on little things like midgies and fish that are so big they snap me off in front of my yard! Seriously!

 

I am trying to paint a picture of perfection...I will tell you this, my picture is pretty much darnin perfect focus. Love ya'all.

 

 

Enjoy

Surferman.

[Guest]

We moved over when my son was 4 so it was a lot easier for us. He didn't quite understand what was going on at that stage and he is a very happy little boy. Having said that we had quite a long time knowing that we were going to immigrate to Australia, so we often spoke to him about Australia. I would advise that you start the conversation now with your kids. You don't have to say definitely you are moving but start getting them used to the possibility. You don't mention how old your children are, but  if they are a little older then talk to them about why you want to move -obviously not in graphic terms but that "mummy and daddy want to be able to take you to the park, and go ride our bikes together".Use conversations that are age-appropriate. My friend who moved over 3 years before we did, has a daughter and they told her that they were going on this big adventure together and it is going to be so exciting. They are going to see new things, and meet new people and have lots of fun. You will probably get a few tears and of course they may be anxious, its natural, but I think the more you can expose them now to Australia the better. Just give lots of hugs and reassurance:-)

 

All the best to you

Edited September 21, 2016 by Guest

[Tntaglia]

Thanks for the feedback! Kids are 6 and 9, both about to have their next birthdays. I agree that the adventure-exciting-new things line of explanation is probably what they need most, and it should go down fairly well. Just nervous, I guess!

 

We've done lots of talking about Australia in principle, but have not mentioned going there yet. Hopefully we'll have a little bit more clarity by the end of the month (everything is hinging on legal documents that needs to be signed by the CEO of our company, and there's apparently a lot of negotiations going on about the exact terms of the contracts etc) - as soon as I know things were signed I think we'll probably tell them. Since we've now known about the possibility for more than 3 months it's really killing me that we can't talk about it as a family yet.

[Beverleyjh]

We moved two weeks before our triplets turned 8.  They moved straight from grade 2 in their South African school to year 2 here.  Our move happened quickly (7 months after we made the decision and appointed an agent we had our visa and two months after that we left)

 

We told our kids pretty early in the process.  Explained that we'd be embarking on this great adventure and moving to Melbourne.  Once we settled on which part of

Melbourne, I often showed them pictures of parks and leisure centres (water parks) in the area.  And pictures of places like the Melbourne Zoo, Sea life aquarium etc. We also took out books at the library about Australia. My two daughters were pretty excited from the start but my son wasn't too happy.  He was very sad about moving away from his friends.   I got them each a notebook and during our last few weeks in South Africa, they took it everywhere with them and everyone they knew wrote a little message in there for them.  That helped them loads during the first few weeks.  It even led to the year 2 classes at their Aussie school become "email pen pals" with their South African grade 2 classes.  Having a weekly set time to skype/phone the grandparents also helped.

 

Two years later and my kids are thriving.  They've made such great friends here (funnily enough my one of son's best friends is a South African boy who joined the school last year).

 

 

[FromDurbs]

We live far away from family and told them when we saw them during the holidays.  Would have liked to tell them a bit later, but we wanted to tell them in person.  We told the kids a few months later.  We are still in SA.  My kids are 12 and 15 and handled it well.  They complain a bit, but also ask interesting questions. It helped when they saw that they could do most of their hobbies there; there was a big event around one of their hobbies where we are moving.  We have not told any friends or colleagues since I don't want my work to know until I resign.  However, the kids told their friends.  And I am sure these friends would tell their parents (eventually) and they would tell ........     So, only tell your kids if you don't mind them telling others. I was worried the kids would be angry with me for not telling them sooner, but I do not think they realised we knew for a while.  It is also so much easier with them knowing.  In the beginning I had to arrange for quotes from estate agents and moving companies when they were not home, now I can do it any time for example.  I believe kids will adapt.  I would tell the kids one or two months in advance.

[JonathanR]

We have not gotten our Grant yet but I told my kids (Really kid because my 2 year old could not care less :-), the other is 4 ), as soon as we started talking about it. My 4 year old had an awesome day with his friend a few weeks ago and said to my wife "You and Daddy can go get your passports and go to Australia. I don't want to go to Australia, you can drop me at my friends house and I will stay there for ever". When I asked him later that day why he did not want to go to Australia he said "Because I don't know the friends in Australia". I asked him if he knew any of his friends before going to school, he did not answer but I could see that he was working through that question with a fine tooth comb and I left it at that. About a week ago he said to me "Will you buy me a guitar when we go to Australia?" :-)

 

So there are times when it is exciting for them and there are times when they just do not want it but, ultimately I feel they will adapt. Do I feel that we told the kids too early? Yes, our visa could be denied then where do we sit? Would I tell my kids in the beginning of the process again? Yes, we are moving as a family, there are decisions we need to make as a family, and we do this whole thing, with all the anxious waits for State Sponsorship and Skills assessments as a Family.

I have seen the other side too, my sister (single mom) went on holiday to the UK with her two kids. Did not tell anyone anything and only told us a few days after she arrived that she was not coming back. I don't know exactly when she told her kids but they hated her for a while. Her daughter then embraced school then college and is doing well for herself. Her son who was the eldest got into drugs and bad friends and did very badly. He ended up coming back to South Africa to live with my brother and his wife for a few years to clean up and now has now made his own decision to go back to the UK and is doing better and possibly joining the army. (We were all born in the UK so my sisters kids have British citizenship by descent)

[Cole]

I see I'm a bit late to this topic, but could maybe offer our experience.  We haven't moved to Oz yet, but we have moved within South Africa a couple of times in the last few years due to work transfers, and did our activation trip at the beginning of the year.  Also, I moved as a child, when I was 6, 12, and 15.

 

When we moved locally to a different province at the beginning of the year, my daughters were anxious.  We spoke about their fears, and fear of not knowing anyone or being lonely at school, and not having familiarity (in terms of bedroom and house) seemed top of their list.

 I explained that (e.g) although they now had 5 friends, when we moved, they would be at the same school as their sibling (so they would always know someone on the playground), and if they made 5 more friends, they would then have 10 friends, not just 5.  They hadn't thought about it that way.  We also told them that although the house and rooms would look different, all their stuff would come with us and stay the same (my kids are 5 and 4).  

 

We also explained that we wanted to adventure as a family and that wherever we went, our families and friends would always be welcome to come and visit us, and give them a new region to explore. Also, they would learn about a new place and would have so much news for everyone when they got in touch.  We googled and spoke about the region, from the weather to the daily activities they would be able to get involved in.  Giving them a vivid picture that they could picture themselves in, helped them a lot, so that might work for your kids too?

 

My husband and I were also very careful to ensure we were optimistic in front of them about the unknowns we faced too, because I think children pick up on their parent's feelings. 

 

When it was time to go, we bought them special toiletry bags each, and filled it with goodies (their own soaps, new hairbrush, pocket tissues etc).  They carried those around everywhere, and were only too pleased to tell people it was because they were going on an adventure, I think at that stage they felt a little like celebrities, going off somewhere new. They also got to pick out new lunch boxes for school, and because they were going to start swimming lessons, they got to pick new swimming costumes. I know it's small and probably counts as bribery, but boy were they were excited.

 

Perhaps for your children who are older, when you do tell them, tell them about all of the ways they could keep in touch with their friends, eg set up a Skype account.  Encourage them to get their friends at school to do the same, and then have them practise Skyping before the move.  They could send whatsapp videos to their friends via your phone etc. It'll be pretty exciting for them and give them the feeling of security that they can connect with their friends once they get to Australia. There will be adjustment, but who knows, the best friend they will ever have, could be a plane ride away. And they will be living closer to a beach than they are now :-)

 

In anticipation of our move to Australia, we try to watch Australian movies when we find them (there are some lovely kids animations and movies available). We also stream Australian radio stations in the evenings/weekends.  We haven't told them about a definite move because we don't have a date yet, but we refer to our (activation) trip a lot, and have the photos in an electronic photo frame in the lounge, to remind them of what we did and how much fun they had.  And boy, they had a lot of fun.  Sydney is amazing, and our children loved all the regions and public play parks, and made friends with anyone who was more or less the same height. We talk about the things we didn't get to do (picnics in the parks, having them ride their bicycles there, etc), and how we should go back so that they can do all of those things.  They love that idea, and talk a lot about activities they would like to add to that list.  Good luck, I hope it's a positive experience for your whole family.