Who went back

[Kappie]

Hi everyone

 

I've been absent from this group for a couple of years already, but I'm back!

A short summary: We received PR in 2012. We moved from Cape Town to Sydney in 2013. We missed Family and friends and things were easy for us to return to South Africa, so we did. In hind sight it was all a very emotional decision and we didn't use any logic. We can see that logically there is no future for our kids or us over here and we are thinking of making the move back. This time to Melbourne as we have friends there and it helps to be able to just touch base with someone. Someone to help you do a sanity check.

 

My question..... Who moved to OZ, returned to South Africa and moved back again? Was it easier the second time? I must say that saying "once bitten, twice shy" applies to me. Oz is great and everything works, but just the idea of the loneliness I experienced makes me very nervous.

Would like to hear from anyone with words of advise or who went through the same thing.

[Mara]

Kappie, all I can say is welcome back, I think you would be very wise to move back...

[Peterthe1]

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't think twice about coming back, especially that you also have children involved. With regards to feeling lonely, you are only as lonely as you let yourself be. You will be out of your comfort zone when you get here. If you isolate yourself you will be lonely. You have to get out and meet people, join clubs, go on tours, etc. I came here knowing nobody. Once I started meeting people the feeling of being an outsider quickly disappeared. Be yourself, talk to people and you will find your place in the new environment that you will be living in. Everybody fits in eventually, some sooner some a bit later. It's up to you to make it happen though. Be positive and everything will follow. It is a new life you are starting so it does take some effort to get started. The eventual rewards are worth it.

[Dora]

Hi Kappie,

 

Welcome back. You are most definately making the right decision. We are in the process of moving back ourselves. Go check out my journal entries under "Lizzie goes to Brizzie".  You are welcome to PM me with more specific questions.

 

All the best with your second journey.

Liz

[Rhyss]

Emigrating is one of the most personal and life changing decisions that you and your family will ever make. Ask yourself, what's different from 2012 when you moved to Sydney? Unless you and your family have changed, become emotionally stronger and better prepared to deal with the challenges of making completely new lives in a foreign land, or no longer have the strong bond to family, friends and your lives in CT then perhaps it could be different and it may be possible. Remember that emigrating is permanent and the older your kids get the more difficult it is to adapt to everything new and foreign.

 

Many factors influence how things will turn out. Is this what both you and your wive/husband really want? Are your kids at the age where you are confident that they want to move and that they can manage the emotional challenges? Do you have the financial backing or necessary skills to get work and afford to live in a reasonably good area? Will you be able to fly back to SA at short notice to visit elderly parents who quickly become frail and may need you for support. Do they have support if you're not there? Each family is so vastly different that asking the question is more of an enlightening exercise as opposed to information to base your most crucial decision on. 

 

[funtobeaussiechick]

We also did it, moved over for 3 months, moved back to SA for 2 years and then upped sticks again. Now been here for more than 8 years. The way you felt before will come back to haunt you, you will be homesick, you will question why you did it, again? but now more than 8 years after we came back to Oz we are settled, good jobs and pretty content. It does not make it any easier 2nd time around

[Riekie]

I really think people don't give it enough time to settle down, find their feet, make friends and become part of the community.  The emotional side of things take a long time and for me personally, it took 2 years before I felt like I belonged here.  Been here 12 years now and couldn't be happier!

 

You'll have to be willing to stick it out come hell or high water, because if you have it in the back of your head that you could go back if your emotions get the better of you, chances are you will go back.  It's just human nature. 

[Dora]

I agree with Riekie's point and just wanted to add.  We are now in an in between stage where my husband already left and are already working in Brisbane and me and the kids stayed behind to close shop here.  From our conversations and talking to other people who did the same, you have to accept the following:

• whatever made you leave the first time around will still be there
• And now my husband again experience adjustment issues (not in a really bad way though), meaning, it sounds easy to say we are going back and especially if you are going back to the same place so we know what to expect, but it doesn't work 100% like that. We stayed in Brisbane for 3.5 years and then came back to SA.  We were delighted to be able to go back to the same city because we said we already know the place, we know the surroundings, we know were we want to stay, we know which (saffer) people to avoid bla-bla-bla...Yes you have some knowledge to some degree and that is an advantage, but I expect to go through an adjustment period again - maybe/hopefully not as harsh as the first time around though.

And although I am a firm believer of never say never because I do belief life is not that predictable, if I have any say in this, I have fixed my mind and my heart onto Australia this time around.  You have to say to yourself that you are going to make this work - no turning back, otherwise you will find yourself back in SA again, and that is way to expensive . There are people who return to SA for a second time as well...

 

If you can, have 100% piece within yourself before you do this move. Not only will you then be clear on what you have to do.  But it is tough doing this whole thing again (especially without a spouse here), and if you are not 100% set on going, you might find this process difficult to complete.

 

As I write this today, I am going through my week of hell with a major hick-up in the selling process of our house here.  I am so over this hole process at this stage, but what keeps me going is the goal of the Australian border post (so to say) and the strength I draw from my faith. Hope will lead us on.

 

All the best with nerve wrecking but exciting time ahead.

 

Liz

[UnsureGC]

Hi Kappie,

Its been a very long time since I was on this forum, but it helped me a lot when making our decision to move back to SA. We lived on the Gold Coast for 5 years and have been back in SA now for 6 years.

Moving back was definitely a hard decision but for us the best one - we had very personal reasons for the move and I would do it all over again. In saying that, we did wait until we were both citizens so that the door was always open and that our kids would automatically qualify for citizenship. Our angels are now 6 and 3 and we are very much in the process of making the move back to Aus... it was always part of our plan though, so this isn't really unexpected.

I will be VERY sad to leave, coming home was the best decision we made, but now I have kids and they are my first priority and the future doesn't look bright for them from many angles.

 

My hubby is currently in talks with a company in Mebourne and Perth (Perth option is looking to move their business to Sydney). Not sure if either of these will actually end up being our job opportunity but both are super positive at the moment. We only want to come over with one of us having a secure position... will take longer but we have the time.

All the best,
xxx

[DXB2OZ]

I do believe it can take 12 to 18 months, minimum, before you start to settle in a new country. Even if you have done several previous international moves.

 

Everything you used to take for granted you have to relearn. You don't know the subtle nuances of the driving, you don't know which toilet paper you like, you don't know your way around the supermarket, working involves a whole bunch of new terms, methods and interactions with strange companies you have never heard of. So much is alien and strange and some days it feels as if everything you do is wrong.

 

But with familiarity comes comfort, and as you stop having to worry about all those little things, you can actually focus on living your life and enjoying your life. You can start to build a future instead of just surviving the present.

 

But you have to allow yourself the time to grieve your past that you have, to some extent left behind, allow yourself time to adapt to your present before you can look to the future..

[Riekie]

I'm just wondering if we took of poll of at which stage people decided to go back, what it would look like?  I predict that very few people who stayed longer than 2 years went back due to not coping/not adjusting/missing family...

 

If people could only stick it out, they will have the reward of an amazing life and future.  

 

For me, even in my darkest days, I was still in a better place than having to live in the crime, corruption and uncertainty of South Africa. Maybe it helped that I had my kids' future in my hands. 

[Alchemist]

Having a close happy family in SA is always a main reason ppl return to SA. Its damn hard, something i have to overcome (i never had that but ironically now i married in to a great one, have a wonderful support system to my LO and the thought of moving and taking her away from her nanny and grandparents is swaying it for me). How will I do it? Have no bloody idea, but we will have to if we are to make it in Oz....we have two more years but as she grows and gets more attached to her family, the move will be invoking such guilt in me.....not easy with a little dependent toddler who has many family carers.....

[RosFam]

Hi Kappie,

 

Its been a while since I have checked these forums, but as luck would have it , I did this evening. We too left from SA in 2012 for Sydney, had a terrible time settling down, I was terribly depressed and decided to return back to SA in late 2013. We had a few factors push us to coming back to SA, but with a business still operating there and a chance to get our old life back we took it. Needless to say the moment the plane landed in OR Tambo we knew we had made the wrong choice , but we had to be there. During the time in SA we enjoyed our family, friends and all the unbelievable places SA has to offer. I have to say that I love most parts of being back except the unhappiness of my wife and knowing my kids didn't have a future there. Hard to enjoy a place when you know what is coming down the line for the kids. We came back in 2014 and have been here for almost 18 months now. I don't want to be negative but the second time was even harder than the first for me personally. I gave up a business, and have had to take almost any job I can find to just click into the system here. Its taken all my will power to not book a ticket back ... My kids are loving life , my wife is good. They have a future and tomorrow the country will be running more or less the same as today. There is some peace in that. 

 

Good luck with your decision and know you are not alone on your wanderings between lands.

[Riekie]

Hi Rosfam, your journey sounds like a tough one and from what I gather, still is for you although your family seems to be happy and settled.  It takes time to finally get to that point, but you'll get there.

 

If you're thinking back on the whole journey now, do you think if you stuck it out the first time around you would have been more settled at this point?  I'm asking more for others considering going back (and who may end up back here again).  What would your advice be, based on your own experience?

 

Side note: Anyone thinking that to leave South-Africa is taking the easy way out, have no idea what they're talking about, unless they've been there... 

 

Good luck with your journey forward - I hope you find contentment.

[RosFam]

HI Riekie 

 

Thanks for the good wishes and positive words, it been a journey and we only seem to have just begun even though its been over a year here.

 

Good question, and I believe the time does make it easier and I have been told don't make any decisions until you have reached 2 years. Having said this, I think that each persons circumstances and journey is different, and its hard to paint them all with the same brush. In our case I am happy we went back, we needed to do it if that makes any sense to have some closure and to spend some time with family who werent well. That time has passed, and we had to question where we wanted to be, and we made our choice no matter how difficult.

 

For those that are thinking of going back, my advice would be put your stuff in storage , go back on a holiday etc. The reasons you have left are still there and in fact getting worse. The good will still be there, but I think once you have made the call to leave its hard to go back and put your head in the sand. That being said, so do and are very happy , its such a personal journey. I have this dream where I keep thinking SA will recover and be the land we all know it can be, and I will get to return. Until then you will find me in Oz making a life here. 

 

Agree on the easy road out... the easy road is staying put. The point in all of this is, sometimes we just don't have a choice and need to do what is needed to provide a safe and decent life for our families. Take time to congratulate yourselves for even thinking about this journey. Only the brave and committed should apply.

 

Thanks Riekie... I remember reading all your posts before I came over. They were inspiring.

 

 

 

 

[Dora]

On Wednesday, August 17, 2016 at 10:21 AM, Alchemist said:

Having a close happy family in SA is always a main reason ppl return to SA. Its damn hard, something i have to overcome (i never had that but ironically now i married in to a great one, have a wonderful support system to my LO and the thought of moving and taking her away from her nanny and grandparents is swaying it for me). How will I do it? Have no bloody idea, but we will have to if we are to make it in Oz....we have two more years but as she grows and gets more attached to her family, the move will be invoking such guilt in me.....not easy with a little dependent toddler who has many family carers.....

 

@Alchemist: It is wrong in so many ways because sometimes I find myself thinking, if it wasn't for the family ( as if they are the problem), this would have been so much easier. No matter what crap you have to deal with in the visa process, nothing is as bad as leaving the family behind (granted, some people might disagree).

Whenever we go to the airport to drop someone off, you can normally spot the families who booked their oneway tickets to Aus from a mile. They usually come with two fully loaded trolleys and immediately warns the check in lady for excess baggage. I will never forget one time that we were at the checkin counter and the family who checked in right before us started to greet their family and suddenly the lady leaving SA gave this awkward cry that came right from the bottom of her soul and thereafter nearly collapsed. I will never forget that moment and I remember thinking to myself, this is so wrong...

 

After my son was was born, when I had to go back to work, my mom looked after him and they formed a very strong bond. After our second child was born we moved to Aus when she was 5 months old. By then our son was 2.5 and threw tantrums left and right and was really difficult in general. He was so difficult but I just made it out to be normal for a 2.5 yo child. Only after I realised that I was depressed, I realised that my son was probably a little depressed himself (because I then realised that I very suddenly took him away from his grandma and primary caretaker).  Leaving family behind is hard and the guilt that I carried because of this whole grand parents/ grand children situation was the main cause for my depression.  Yes, you get over having it tough in Aus, yes, you eventually make friends that are "van jou dam se ganse", yes, you figure things out and yes, you absolutely enjoy the lifestyle there and appreciate all the good things that life in Aus offers, but it keeps being hard when you know that being in Aus is the main reason for your mothers depression......when you try and scype them on a weekend and there is no answer, and you know, you just know, that today it is too hard for them to look at you, its hard when your brother is in an accident, fighting for the future use of his legs, when you speak to your mom and she tells you that some random person went with her to pick a dress for your brother's wedding, and silently you know that you were suppose to be that random person, and you are in Aus, and THAT'S the reason why we came back. Not because we could not cope with life in Aus.  I will never be sorry that we did it, because I don't think that I would have found peace for myself. (I would have stored our furniture though ?

 

From the beginning we anticipated that we will return to Aus sometime in the future when the kids have to go a study there.  We did not anticipate that it would be just 2,5 years after we landed back in SA.  But in the 2,5 years, I figured it out. Leaving the family behind is just as hard as the first time, but the penny dropped and I now realise that I have to put my kids first now. Their future first. I have peace. 

 

Yes, I'm sure that I will have days when I doubt this, but I have figured it out now. I will always carry a little bit of sadness in my  pocket but it won't dominate my thoughts as previously.

 

All I can say to people returning is - whatever made you return to SA, make peace with that when you return to Aus. Make sure you have peace...well, that's what I think, we'll see what I say in 6 months from now ?.

 

Gosh its hard

 

Liz

 

 

Edited August 18, 2016 by Dora

[Alchemist]

@Dora thank you so much for sharing. I am so torn but seeing how you are coping and how real the hard is, i feel so familiar. I can handle not owning a big house, having retirement savings to the hilt....maids on demand. I can cope mentally with all that, but leaving our parents and support system is sometimes something i refuse to deal with. However, deal I must, or else i will sit in australia trying to deal with figuring out a foreign country AND missing my support. That would make me return home.....i know focusing on our little rugrats future is important but its such a subjective one. thanks for making me think......

[ChrisH]

[Lynnor]

1 hour ago, ChrisH said:

Hillarous but so true...

[RedPanda]

4 hours ago, ChrisH said:

 

 

 

[Rhyss]

On 01/08/2016 at 7:09 PM, Kappie said:

Hi everyone

 

I've been absent from this group for a couple of years already, but I'm back!

A short summary: We received PR in 2012. We moved from Cape Town to Sydney in 2013. We missed Family and friends and things were easy for us to return to South Africa, so we did. In hind sight it was all a very emotional decision and we didn't use any logic. We can see that logically there is no future for our kids or us over here and we are thinking of making the move back. This time to Melbourne as we have friends there and it helps to be able to just touch base with someone. Someone to help you do a sanity check.

 

My question..... Who moved to OZ, returned to South Africa and moved back again? Was it easier the second time? I must say that saying "once bitten, twice shy" applies to me. Oz is great and everything works, but just the idea of the loneliness I experienced makes me very nervous.

Would like to hear from anyone with words of advise or who went through the same thing.

Do whatever is right for you and don't be surprised or upset when the Aussies call you "Boomerang", it's just their sense of humour

[tussenstasies]

Hi Everyone,

 

I've also been away from this forum for some time. I think the New Year, personal goals and "New Year resolutions" does have something to do with the fact that I'm back here right now.

 

Also did the move to Aus and the move back to SA. Lots of reasons why we did the move back. 

 

During the December Holiday the number one reason people move to Aus started to haunt me: "We moved for the kids!" We moved back to SA because of the kids..., (long story) But this December it hit me: "Moving to Aus or wherever is more about leaving a legacy for your Grand Kids and Great Grand Kids and the children after them that you will never meet". When my Great Grand Dad moved from Scotland to South Africa, he came as a poor Missionary. I remember my Grand Dad always told me that they were so poor that the poor people called them poor. But today we are in a much better place than he was. That's what got my attention. My wife and I are going to go through a tough time, again, our kids will also go through tough times when we go back to Aus, but my Grand Kids and Great Grand Kids will reap the benefits of our decision.

 

So my 50 cent advice: "Think long term. What is the legacy you'll leave for your Grand Kids?"

[SurferMan]

Good point @tussenstasies

 

I would like my legacy to be: "My parents taught us well. How to be strong, adapt and thrive in adversity. Live in the moment, enjoy every second." That is a mindset, not a cultural claim. Enjoy the return to SA. As Rhyss says, take no offence if you get dubbed a boomerang!