WayneAndMel Posted July 4, 2016 Report Share Posted July 4, 2016 Many others often share the emotions they feel from the process of emigrating - like fear and excitement from the move itself - but of late I'm (Wayne) wondering if it's normal to also feel a sense of mourning perhaps bordering on a slight sense of grief in emigrating? That and also crazy contradictory feelings born of both resistance to going even as I feel more urgency to go at the same time? I mean as one example I already find myself saying goodbyes in my mind to areas/places or reminiscing on memories from them as I pass through such places. I also increasingly fear the complete loss of friendships and our support network and feel (not think - perhaps irrationally) I may never see them again after we go. That makes me hesitate. Yet even as I pass through some of those aforementioned places I'm also taken aback by the deterioration. Combined with my interests in history, politics and the events that we all read or see I quickly feel a deep fear for the future as well as the health of my own hopes and dreams - followed by a flood of urgency. I then find myself hoping and almost want to subtly encourage many others to follow. Or is this all just the normal contradictory feelings one wrestles with on this journey - a case of wanting to both have my cake and eat it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peterthe1 Posted July 4, 2016 Report Share Posted July 4, 2016 Don't reminisce about the past but rather look forward to the great future you can build. Leave the reminiscing for later. Look at the new life you're about to start and don't put doubts in your own head. I've emigrated 3 times in my life and have never looked back. You're lucky that you can leave, there are many that can't so you should appreciate this fact and make the most of it. Once you are set up in your new life you will find that most of the past that you're reminiscing about will have forgotten about you. Good luck in your new, brighter future. Move forward and make the most of it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pell Posted July 5, 2016 Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 Often I hear emigration being compared to a grieving process. Sharing my husband and daughter's experience, it was full DABDA (Denial, Anger. Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). It doesn't matter that you are going to a place that might be better than what you leave behind. Don't expect these feelings to settle overnight either. It will be all very new and intense in the beginning, but once you actually come up for air, and the 'honeymoon' period wears off, you will most probably experience any/all of the feelings above. I have also emigrated twice in my life and never looked back, also did not share the experience the rest of my family had. The "great new adventure" cliche is actually very real. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rozellem Posted July 5, 2016 Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 Yes, most people experience some sort of mourning process. It varies greatly in intensity from person to person and it hits different people at different times in their journey. Mine probably hit me 14 years out of RSA, when I saw the effect of the grandchildren being overseas had on my mom. There is not a big enough plaster for that. For me, the rest is a walk in the park. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riekie Posted July 6, 2016 Report Share Posted July 6, 2016 I was a total wreck for the few weeks before we left. I literally arrived in Sydney in tears! What you feel is 100% normal - you ARE going through a grieving process and it can really throw you allover the place. It is important to create a point of sanity for yourself and to go back to that whenever you feel torn. A photo of your kids, for instance (if they're the reason you're leaving) - whatever it is, that is driving this decision, that is the one thing you need to hold on to in the dark days. Been here 12 years - best thing I've ever done! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OubaasDik Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Absolutely - you are normal .... ... I, on the other hand was excited to get to a new challenge. I had a 457 and was thinking it was purely an interim thing .... I am not bright sometimes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WayneAndMel Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Thanks all. It helps to know that I'm not alone in my emotions. I realise logically that one needs to face and control these emotions but it's still a bit painful, confusing and, yes, exciting all the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel-B Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 100% normal. I think its part of the process, and it shall pass with time. My husband had the same thoughts as you are explaining but was fine once we arrived here. I was excited to get here ASAP but had a low low low time once we arrived - my low passed quickly (a few weeks), once I saw my kids being happy and settled. Good luck. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ottg Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 The grieving process is a well known phenomena for human beings because of our emotions. More interesting is that it aligns directly with the change process. The Change Curve is based on a model originally developed in the 1960s by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross to explain the grieving process. Since then it has been widely utilised as a method of helping people understand their reactions to significant change or upheaval. More about it here: https://www.exeter.ac.uk/media/universityofexeter/humanresources/documents/learningdevelopment/the_change_curve.pdf What is great about this article it that it recommends how to deal with the emotion at the different phases. Each phase consist of different stages and can be seen here. http://www.greeningofgavin.com/2012/07/the-seven-stages-of-change.html 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DXB2OZ Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 I think the biggest shock with grief is how it can hit you out of the blue over the most random things. I find the year of "firsts" can be particularly hard - first birthday, first Christmas, first piece of big news..... The year of seconds is a lot easier. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedPanda Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 I think it's quite natural for many of the people who are leaving RSA now to have feelings of grieving and sadness. Just about everyone I've spoken to still loves all the good things in South Africa, mostly the people they love, and the landscape, but are leaving because they don't see a good future for themselves or their children there. Weighing up one's options is not a clear-cut matter of absolutes: this is better with everything, that is worse with everything. So when you leave a country it is not that you are rejecting all aspects of it, and therefore you should just be happy and pack your stuff and go (and good riddance!). You are perfectly entitled to mourn the things that you love and are leaving behind. And the fact that many other people wish they could trade places with you (and have your 'golden ticket') makes no difference to how much it hurts to say goodbye. Being sad is not a sign of being ungrateful, it's a sign of being human. So, my opinion is: Say goodbye to the things, people and places you need to, whenever you have the opportunity. But also keep your conscious mind realistic about the opportunities for future visits. (And remind your heart, sometimes, that it's being a bit melodramatic[hearts are like that, they need reminding sometimes]). And then in the times in between, start making dreams and plans for your life in Australia. It helped me smooth over the feeling of a sharp disconnect, to have a coffee meeting or two lined up, and to have a list of places I want to see, stuff I want to do. Start reading up about events that will happen soon after you land, and put some in your calendar. It gives the feeling that life is going to continue, as opposed to this sudden 'end of the world'. And mostly, be kind to yourself, it's a big change. Good luck with it! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ottg Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 On 7/5/2016 at 3:14 PM, rozellem said: I saw the effect of the grandchildren being overseas had on my mom. There is not a big enough plaster for that. Warning - get your box of tissues ready for this! http://visited.amazing-stories.tv/they-never-expected-to-see-what-appeared-on-the-screen 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dora Posted July 10, 2016 Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 It was during our first stay in Australia when I experienced heart ache (literally) for the first time. Times when you miss your family so much that you experience heart ache. Sometimes the heart ache happened with random experiences for instance one day, I walked inside a furniture shop and the leather smell inside the shop reminded me of our old car in SA and something like that triggered an unexpected heart ache and yearning for old RSA... I had a similar experience this weekend then we went to a game farm near Thabazimbi. We went for a late afternoon game drive and I just had one of those moments when you almost feel the loss before you've even left. I felt a bit sad looking at the bush knowing that very soon we won't have these experiences anymore. Yes, there will be awesome outdoors experiences in Aus, but not this Africa...BUT life does not happen on a game farm, for us it happens in Pretoria and that reality evens out the sadness again. It is always important to face the sad situation. Acknowledge the moment for what it is, decide to reduce the sadness to the size of a small pebble, tuck it away in your pocket and move forward...every now and again, you put your hand in your pocket, feel the pebble, perhaps have a little look then tuck it away again. ☺ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WayneAndMel Posted July 12, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2016 Thanks for the advice and wisdom. I'd also say I'm probably between stages 2 and 3 at the moment in the stages of change. I imagine to get through the emotional cycle properly we also have to actually do the deed otherwise it's like being stuck around things or aspects that are constantly 'dying' to one on a sort of psychological level (not saying SA is - more the feelings around ones life and immediate surrounds). The difficulty is also that I think there are several cycles of change that happen concurrently and those feelings swirl around simultaneously. For example selling our home is another, never mind emigrating, but lately it's also actually starting to frustrate me from its lack of space (we're now tenants in it). I also like the simple idea of planning to do things (other than moving/looking for work/sorting out transport and schooling) once permanently in Oz. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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