Advice from fellow moms and dads

[Tazzn]

So 2 months in and it seems our greatest challenge is coming from where I least expected ... Our 3 year old daughter. I know it's been one hang of a roller coaster ride for her. Living with granny and grandpa, staying in 3 places in the last 2 months and at the moment this literally is indoor camping as our furniture is only arriving Monday but her behaviour this week has gone wild.

She has never really thrown temper tantrums and now they are coming full force. Including screaming, crying and throwing things. I am at my wits end. I know she is working through so many emotions especially seeing she has to go to day care now because dad is back to work but I can't seem to help her. I am feeling so helpless and upset with no idea of what to do next!

Any parents that have advice or ideas??

[rozellem]

Hi, I cant seem to see where you live. Are both of you working full time now? Either way, there are lots of support in Aus for these things. Your GP is often the first port of call. Ask the receptionist if there are one of the GP's with a interest/qualification in child related issues/behaviors. I would also ask the child care centre where they suggest you go knocking too. We have a state Early Childhood Health/Community Health Centre close to us that have this (Child and Family Health

Developmental and Behavioural Paediatrics, Child Speech Pathology, Child Occupational Therapy, Child and Adolescent Mental Health). They are brilliant and completely free. This one is virtually free too ($25 donation?) http://karitane.com.au/karitane/our-services/day-services/toddler-clinics/

Almost 3 years ago, we moved 30min across Sydney when my sensitive eldest was 2,5yrs old, and he went from zero to completely mental within a week. Combination of age and circumstance? If I was a childless neighbour living next to us then, I would have called the cops/social services immediately. Luckily they all had kids and were so nice about it. He SCREAMED almost non stop, and when that stopped he would be crying. I used a lot of the free services available to me, 2 parenting courses, a child physiologist, pediatrician, a course called 1, 2, 3 Magic (brilliant, still use it) and a few sessions at a counselor who had to train me to not take his drama personal if I have followed all my techniques in the arsenal. He is now in school (phew!) and got better with age. He will always be hard work and push button I did not know I had. I do regret not learning to ignore some of the behavior earlier, as it gave him "attention" from me and that fueled the fire. It is tricky, you have my sympathies. But you are not alone and do not suffer in silence.

[qwerty]

Everything Rozelle said above and my own little trick

Say nothing, just sit her on your lap, hold her tight and let her cry, Calms both of you down.

[Tazzn]

Thanks. We have just moved to Craigieburn VIC and after her being home with Dad since we arrived (2 months ago) she is now having to go to day care full time. I have been working full time since we arrived and Hubby starts his jobs next week so unfortunately full time working parents though in one respect its been like that since she was 5 months old. So used to a long "school" day but she's had a long break from it.

Definitely going to look into the community centre thing and what is provided. Had a chat to her carer over the phone this morning but going to make a time to go in and see them in person.

[AFreshStart]

What Qwerty said, just love her, hold her, cry with her if you feel the need and let her know you are there for her, that she has your undivided attention, and talk to her, ask her what's she's feeling.

It's normal at this age to be working through a flood of emotions and you'll often get the response "just cause".

Our daughter is the same age. We made the move 8-months ago, it was a disruptive time, like you we lived with in-laws, moved out of the house and 'camped'. We shipped our things ahead of our arrival and I flew over 2-weeks ahead of them to settle us and them in, which I think helped.

But 5-months in we moved again! New apartment, suburb etc and she started daycare, 1 day, then 2 and now 3, which she'll do till she starts school and the other 2-days she's with me.

I know you are both working now, and it makes it tougher, she will settle as daycare becomes the new normal and she'll start to enjoy going, but it takes time.

Be gentle on yourself, be gentle with her, she needs to feel comforted and loved, even if you want to pull your hair out, and there are days when we all do!

She's stubborn, back chatty, but lovely. I'm firm in my speech, no shouting, but firm and she knows that and for the most part listens.

It's a little harder being male and the primary caregiver (have been for over 5 years to both our children), there aren't as many resources, but I've made a few friends and enjoy reading and rhyme time at the local library and we visit the local parks, huge fan of slides this one! Use the resources you have.

Parenting is tough, there is no rule book, filter the information you need and apply it to your lives, find what works and what doesn't.

Strength

Matt

Edited July 17, 2015 by AFreshStart

[LouiseMark]

Goodness ,me!

Your story sounds like mine a few years ago when we moved one suburb away! My then 3 year old had complete meltdowns from about a month before we moved until about 3 months after we moved. She would wake up and just start screaming "I want Mommy". I would hold her and tell her mommy's here but nothing!!! She could scream for over an hour. Our neighbours must have thought we were killing her! She even did it in the car if she fell asleep and woke up while i was driving. MY stress levels went through the roof!

I took her to the paed who said possible bipolar (??????) and severe seperation anxiety.

There is no medical help for seperation anxiety.....except love. It took 3 months of incredible stress and lots of restrain from us not to loose it completely. She worked through it finally but it came back about a year later when she moved schools. Again we just held her or sat near her while she sobbed in heap. She worked through that too with love and a great lot of patience.

Heaven help us when we make our big move next year!!!!

Strength and love to all the moms and dads going through this with little ones and remember - take care of yourself too because a stressed out parent does not help.

[FairGo]

I am surprised that at such a young age they have a hard time adapting. I thought it would be easier at age 2-3 than 4-6. Is it better to make the big move when they are a bit older?

[AFreshStart]

MelJ,

The first 3 years of a child's life are the most important, by 10 their view of the world, their place in it & understanding of right & wrong is largely imprinted.

They need you more than you know when younger, even though they can't verbalize it, hundreds of studies conclude similar results that separation anxiety and trauma in these formative years have far reaching effects later in life.

Our 5-year old adjusted far better, settled right into school and loves it, he gets sad occasionally, but because we've fostered a very close relationship he shares his woes with me and a large part for him right now is he is beginging to lose memories of family, our old home and his friends in South Africa.

Bare in mind that for many South African's their families play a large role in things, regular visits from Grandparents etc, that goes away when you move, your family aren't here to help, which can be traumatic for both children and parents & help in the form of daycare, aupair of childminder costs a fortune here. Our daughters daycare, if she went 5-days a week is +- $25,000 a year after rebate.

So moving with a younger child is more costly in that sense as school going children, if you using public/state school like we do, is FREE. So there is that to consider.

Cheers

Matt

Edited July 17, 2015 by AFreshStart

[FairGo]

Thanks for the post Matt. We do have a stay in nanny who is a part of our family and my child is quit attached to her. That in itself will be a big adjustment for him not to see her anymore. I will miss her dearly as well.

Having a second child in SA (rather than in Oz) has been on our mind. If our visa is granted, this will mean that we will have to activate within a year and I do not want to fly such a long distance while being pregnant.

This process is stressful on so many levels.

@Tazzn I hope your daughter will adjust in the next few weeks. Best advice I have is to avoid additional situations that trigger temper tantrums. (We are not in OZ yet, so I can not give any advice for you specific situation, but my son often throws tantrums in malls so I rather leave him home with dad....)

Please update this post on how you dealt with the situation. Good luck and I hope things get better soon.

[BrendanH]

Hi,

I recall when my kid hit about three he went through a stage where he went from sweet and happy to holy terror. This lasted about six months and then subsided.

Often these things are just developmental and natures way of keeping us on our toes. This phase would probably happened anyway and it isn't your fault for moving.

It doesn't help that the two of you are under such stress right now.

Hang in there. Let one partners take turns just getting a break if they need it.

Things will get better.

Edited July 20, 2015 by BAndH

[ProudlySouthAfricanInPerth]

We had the same, and stress may be part of it but please look at diet too. The additives, colours and preservatives in food here wreaked havoc with my son even though i thought i was buying healthy options.

Check out additive alert and chemical maze if you are interested.

Good luck x

[DXB2OZ]

At 38 years old, I had a complete breakdown because I couldn't figure out which sausages to buy. I had chosen to make this move. How much worse must it be to be a little person with no control and very little understanding....

Keep boundaries, but fight anger with love, cuddles and silliness and giggles. Blow bubbles, make smiley face pancakes, indulge in some lighthearted play - not everything must be serious.

[Tazzn]

Things are getting better slowly but surely. Day care has been a big stress for her but she is getting their. On weekends I just need to be super contious of making she eats and we don't try going out/shop when she's getting close to nap time . If she does have a melt down I just stand /sit near her until she is ready for me to come near and give her a hug. Seems that not pushing her helps calm her quicker and things end a lot quicker. It's been hard and some days are more frustrating than others but it's definitely getting better

[SandraDee]

I love the saying.....

this too shall pass.