MarkSalter Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. They were taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm, while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: In what way does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husbands said to you that morning?WITNESS: Cathy, where am I?ATTORNEY: Why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan. ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ATTORNEY: Doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?WITNESS: Hes twenty one. ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shittin me?ATTORNEY: The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: What were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin laid..... ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS : Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: By whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?WITNESS: Guess...... ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him..... ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Uh, are you qualified to ask that question? AND LAST ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be sure?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law....... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HadEnoughofJuju Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 ROTFLOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynnie Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 :ilikeit: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlBrough Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 That made me smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bams Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 Oooo ee ee... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Werns Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 That made me smile Made you smile!My goodness, I was crying from laughter!The ones with the stupid Attorney are the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toitjie Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 sooo funny!! I heard an ad on the radio this afternoon for Discovery....it went something like: "If you become disabled or die, please contact your financial advisor @ Discovery".....serious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alida Posted March 13, 2013 Report Share Posted March 13, 2013 Heeeheeeheee !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlBrough Posted March 14, 2013 Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 Made you smile!My goodness, I was crying from laughter!The ones with the stupid Attorney are the best.It was a bad day yesterday, but I'm all good again, having a very good laugh the second time I read it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OubaasDik Posted March 14, 2013 Report Share Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) >ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?>WITNESS : Yes.>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?>WITNESS: None.>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?>WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney...Can I get a new attorney? In the old days of 702 talk radio, I heard that buffoon Berks answer the phone with a very similar line of chat.It went more like thisBerks: Hello 702 ... blah (setting scene).Caller: Hello John, I've got three boys and I would like to say ... *cut off*B: Hello my dear, do you have any children?C: Yes, John, I've three boys, and I think .... *cut off*B: Got any boys?C: Yes, John I've got three boys and I would like to say .... *cut off*B: Are they boys or girls?C: I've got three boys, John, and I think ... *cut off*B: So how many boys have you got?C: I've got three boys, John I think it's .... *cut off*B: OK, my dear, you go ahead and tell us what's on your mind.C: I can't remember.I may have paraphrased a bit, but not much. Edited March 14, 2013 by OubaasDik 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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