Five months in....

[AllisonW]

In two days time we will be in Melbourne Australia for five months. It seems like yesterday that I was standing at OT airport, weeping as I said farewell to my brother and his wife. And yet it also seems like another lifetime, almost surreal.

That night as we boarded our plane, anxious, excited with three little ones in tow we really had no idea what was waiting for us, what the next few months would hold for us. Like most people on the forum i had read every post for the last four years, planned for everything, looked at the price of bread, milk and eggs, reworked my budget a thousand times, googled everything about Melbourne and thought that i was pretty clued up. Little did I know. There is nothing that can really prepare one for the feeling of getting off a plane in a country that you have never been to before, 10 000km away from home, with three little ones. Its like a cold hand on your heart. You are excited, you know that this is the right thing but it will make you weak with fear. The pressure is immense. You know, like so many immigrants before you, that you have to make it. Have to. We had decided that we were not going back. No matter what. It was do or die and although that gave us huge drive, it also means that your previous life is effectively gone. Your relationships, your network, your reputation, who you are doesnt exist. And that can be very humbling.

If you are anything like me, you will at this point go into the hyperdrive task mode. How many threads haven't we seen on the forum that list 100 things that you have to do on arrival in Oz? And that's exactly what you do! So its banking, and schools and medicare and rentals and cars and groceries and cell phones and.... And a great deal of your exhaustion at that point is physical. You cant really focus on what is the meaning of the decision for your life. You just keep on swimming, repeating all the mantras that got you to hand in that application in the first place, be it lifestyle, safety etc. You have to do these things and every day just seems like more and more paperwork. Eventually the paperwork fills a suitcase and you go and buy a fancy concertina folder and start filling it up, the skeleton of your new life.

At this point everything about Australia strikes you as amazing. You cant believe that the parks are clean or that there are trains you can actually ride on. You are amazed by the working barbeques at the parks or take photos of the lovely equipment to mail off to the family just as a reminder to them - We made the right decision. Its the honeymoon stage really. It feels like you are on holiday.

And then you have a job. And you get a rental. And you have a car. And the kids go to school and you can buy groceries and even recognize the brand names and it also starts getting normal. And then you also notice how abnormal some of it feels to you. I found it to be a subtle sadness. One day you find a still moment and you become aware that you have to rebuild your life. I believe that people all have a life story. And when i was in SA i knew what my life story was. I knew where I came from. I knew where I was and I had a clear understanding of where i thought i would go. Immigration changed that for me. My narrative had to change. I had to change from being South African Allison to be what? The Australian Allison who used to be South African. The other thing that happened to me is that I decided that I actually liked part of the South African me. And that I didnt like everything about Australians. And that that was perfectly ok. And that was a big step for me. Because when I arrived I was almost in a hero worship space about the country. Now that I have more time to reflect I realise that I cant just change my culture overnight and I dont want to. There is a great deal I like about Australia and there are some things I like about South African culture and that i am not willing to change my parenting style, my style of hospitality, the way i am. And I also realised that most Australians didnt expect me to. And that they were quite charmed and interested in my difference. I am not talking here about the rules and regulations of the country. Clearly we all need to follow those but I am focusing on remaining self congruent and comfortable. I will give you some basic examples. I like my children to call older people Mr or Mrs or Auntie or Uncle, not by their first names. Its a small thing and not really the norm here, in my experience but I have had no Australian having an issue with this. One or two have even remarked that they think its good manners.

Linked to that I also found that some things are better in SA. I think that model C schools were better organised in terms of fundraising and parental involvement just through necessity. I found the communication at my sons SA school better. I found the doctors that I saw in SA gave me a better experience ( Note i am not saying they were better, but i felt more contained and better handled.) These are my experiences and may be different for someone living 5kms down the road from me or even next door. But what i am trying to say that after a while its ok to acknowledge if something was better for you in SA.

All of this didnt make me miserable. In fact it made me happier. I felt better about myself. It re-emphasised to me that I wasnt a refugee or a second class citizen. I was a positive emotionally healthy individual, who could make a contribution to this society.

When I first arrived I dealt with my anxiety and grief over being away from my family by taking responsibility for a lot of the communication with SA. I emailed and sent photos and called and posted gifts and then slowly people started to drop off the radar. And some of it was painful. I sent letters to all the children in the family and didnt get one back for my kids. I called people and listened to their stories about their lives and didnt get anyone to really ask me how i was or if i was ok? And first it was very hard but I have begun to understand that this process is a crucible. When you come out of the other end your life will be clearer and you will know who is important, who has stood by you and what is important to you. You will have the opportunity to redesign your life and not just live the one that slowly evolved for you. So I have begun to accept that some relationships will be lost and that its ok for that to happen.

I have also met amazing people in the last five months. Some Australian, some South African. And for all these souls that have extended themselves to me in my hard time I am very grateful. Even a phone call can sustain you or a cup of coffee. I have posted elsewhere about the process of making contacts. It is very hard and humbling to have to extend yourself and hope that other people will see your worth. Its high school, first day of standard six all over again.

This process reveals you and it also reveals the true nature of your most intimate relationship. Much has been said about the negative effects that this can have on your marriage and I agree that if there are cracks they will be canyons very soon. But there is a flip side. If you can brave this storm together and make it to the other side of normality, you will have formed a bond that is unshakeable. And your relationship will be be better because you will have been through something momentous and come out on top. The same for your children. It is very hard on kids, whether they are 16, 8 or 5. I believe it was even hard on my baby who is only 1 because she no doubt felt the stress and anxiety that i was under. But what a wonderful life lesson we give our children when we teach them to expect only the best, to sacrifice and work for it, to take risks and to be in control of their lives! I believe my children's coping mechanisms have improved, they have learned social skills and have become far more independent. They trust the world more and have a global perspective that many other children do not.

We are happy. There are days when we feel longing and grief and sadness and discord but on a deeper level we are happy. I believe that the other emotions are normal and they need to be acknowledged and processed but that they are not the sum of my state right now. If I could give any message to those who are about to embark on this new journey I would say that as you leave try to focus on yourself as a person and how brave and strong you are . Know that there will be times when you will be sad and question yourself and that you make not like Australia at all! And that it is completely normal. Everything around you and your family can change and the core of your family can remain the same. You are still in control of your experiences and will be able to seek out and recreate a happy safe space for you and your family here.

[OnYellowBrickRd]

@Allison. Congratulations on making it this far. Thank you so much for this honest post (you should become a columnist!). Keep them coming. We need REAL posts from REAL people as candy coated expectations can crush one's spirit if one is not prepared.

We wish you and your family everything you have hoped for.

[Erik]

Can't believe it's already 5 months! Feels like you guys boarded the plain yesterday.

Thank you for sharing.

[Sharon]

Well written Allison, you say it the way it is.

[JuanitaS]

Thank you for your post, I agree 100% and have been going through the exact same emotions.

[Donovan83]

AllisonW - you pretty much summed up my experience in my meagre first 6 weeks. I feel almost exactly the same

[OubaasDik]

Well written, Allison.

Edited November 13, 2012 by OubaasDik

[Gl!tter~Sm!tter]

Allison, I love everything you always write! It is real and true and not sugar coated, like OYBR says, always motivating and helpful. I say THANK YOU!

Now take a step back and see how brave YOU are!!!

Well done for making it this far gracefully and good luck with your time in Melbourne x

[Enrica]

Thank you for sharing your experience in an open, unbiased , honest manner. Well Done. May you continue to enjoy your journey.

[Elmarie61]

Thank you! Beautifully written.

[Lynnie]

Wat a awesome post :ilikeit:

Jy slaan die spyker op die kop...

[AllisonW]

Thanks all. I really appreciate the positive feedback. Especially today. Last night we heard that my husbands job is being outsourced and so effectively in January he will be unemployed. So we are starting the job hunting over again. Trying to hold onto the positive thought that the six months Australian experience will help. But not a great Christmas present at all. Hold thumbs for us please!

[Sunnyskies]

That really sucks. I'll cross fingers the Aussie way, and hopefully he will have a shiny new job by the time Christmas roles around. Any chance that he can contract with the company as part of their outsourcing?

[RAD]

Dear Alison

Sorry to hear abt your hubby's job. Am sure something will come through. As you said, at least he gained Oz experience.

Sending you positive thoughts

[OubaasDik]

Yep, life can be a bitch sometime.

Sterkte

[Eva]

Great post. I think posts like this really help those who are still coming.

[MarcK]

Great post Alison - pretty much sums up our experience 5 months in as well. Keep us updated...

[Jill]

Wonderful post...love to read your posts. I can never really express myself properly when I write and you just do it so beautifully, I feel all those things you mentioned...thanks for that...good luck with the new job search.

[joweni]

Sorry to hear your news but there is a sliver of silver lining-at least now he can say he has "Aussie"experience which can often make a HUGE difference when applying for jobs. Good luck.

[AllisonW]

Thanks all. We have had really great support from other forum members. It means so much. We at least have some warning and am really hopeful we can find something by the end of January or at the very least he won't be unemployed for long.

This process teaches you to do your best and let go. Can't do more than that. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. :-)

[dazzmatazz]

Wow, your skill with a "pen" is incredible. Your ability to paint a mural with your words is quite something.

Hope all goes well with the job hunting.

[Sharon]

Sorry to hear your news. It was nice of the company to give you so much warning. With your positive attitude, I'm sure you will find something soon.

[MarcK]

Hi Allison - yes sorry to hear about hubby's work - but I am sure he will find something else quickly and that they have given him some length of notice.. Stay positive!

[Kas]

Allison your writing is so beautiful and so truthful. I love reading your posts, you often say exactly what I am thinking or feeling. Thank you for sharing.

Wishing your hubby the best of luck in finding a new job. I have a feeling all will work out extremely well, with him actually moving on to better things.

Kerry