Ek wil huistoe gaan na mamma toe

[zana]

Hi daar, ek het gedink die stukkie (Tittel) uit Kurt Darren se "loslappies" sal dit vir my mooi opsom...

Ons (ek en manlief) is nou amper 2jaar in Aus. en geniet dit vreeslik baie hier. Ons is tans besig om al ons PR dinge agtermekaar te kry.

Ek het so 2weke terug uitgevind ek is swanger met my 1ste baba Alhoewel dit wonderlike nuus is en ons vreeslik baie vriende hier het, het ons geen famillie hier nie. My hart is so seer en ek verlang ongelooflik baie na my famillie ek sal net so graag ook my swangerskap met hulle wou deel. Dit sal Oupa se eerste biologiese kleinkind wees en hy het omtrent deur die dak gespring toe hy die nuus hoor. Sussie het sommer begin huil want sy dink nie haar sussie moet alleen daar in die verte wees sonder enige famillie nie. Ouma is so opgewonde en brei al klaar boeties . Ek voel of ek my ouers en baba n groot onreg gaan aandoen om nie terug te gaan nie. Ek weet my famillie sal so graag n deel van my baba se lewe wil wees, maar dit sal nooit realiseer as ons hier bly nie. My kind sal nie enige niggies of nefies oumas, oupas, tannies of ooms ken nie En as ons gaan kuier sal hy/sy seker altyd voel asof hy/sy nie regtig daar hoort nie omdat daar nie regtig n geskiedenis is nie. Ek wil so graag he my kind moet ook n oupa en ouma se liefde ken, en ook stoute dinge saam met nigs en neefs aanvang waaroor ons later sal lag En ek wil nie he hy moet eendag sy neus vir biltong optrek nie Kan jy nou dink in n 5dag toets skree Pa vir SA en kleinding vir Aussies

My man se werksgewer het hom verlede week genader om n nuwe tak oop te maak en te hardloop, waaroor hy baie opgewonde is en dit kan net n goeie ding vir ons toekoms wees. Maar ek voel die laaste paar dae so bitter ongelukkig en wil net heeltyd huil Ek dink ek het klaar besluit ek wil terug gaan, maar dit is net so moeilik want ons het baie opgegee om hier te kan wees. Ek weet net nie hoe ek ooit vir my man gaan se dat ek wil terug gaan nie... Aan die ander kant weet ek ook nie of dit die beste ding is nie. Ek het dit gehaat om daagliks vir jou lewe te vrees, en dit sal ook nie regverdig wees teenoor my kind of my man nie. Ek is so deurmekaar ek weet nie meer watse kant toe nie. Ek wil net so graag die regte ding doen vir almal. Albei lande het pros en cons ek voel net al ek moet nou die lesser van 2 evils kies.Bly ons, is dit nie reg teenoor ons kind nie, gaan ons is dit ook nie reg nie. Hoe wen n mens?

My vriendinne se ek is net n bietjie emosioneel oor ek swanger is, en dit sal oorwaai. Ek weet nie, my hart trek met so n groot sterk punt terug SA toe. Ek weet nie of ek gebou is vir immigrasie nie, ek was nog altyd so na aan my famillie en skoonfamillie en dit is vir my moeilik om te aanvaar dat ek hulle nou net dalk 1 keer in 2jaar gaan sien.

Ek voel soos die mees selfsugstigste (spel?) mens op die aarde, ek weet nie of ek vir my man sal se nie....Ek hoop maar dit sal alles oorwaai soos my vriende se. Ek moet se dit is n groot hulp om vriende in n nuwe land te he, veral as hulle so nice is soos myne

[Guest Seoul Sister]

Dear Zana,

Lemme start off by saying that you are not alone. What you are feeling and the doubts and heartache are not uncommon and will only really be understood by other gals who have been through the same. Like me !!

We were in the Netherlands for 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. On the one hand I was very excited, but on the other I was very sad. I was also terrified ! Without going into great detail the Dutch system is one of the strangest in the world when it comes to babies/birth and home-births are the obvious choice. You don't get to see a gynae at all and are helped along the way by a mid-wife, who does no scans during the 9 months. It was all very odd and I was horrified, as everyone around me seemed to find home birth with no pain medication and no doctor present absolutely normal !! The philosophy behind it all is : You trust your heart to do its work, without constantly checking up on it, to see what it is up to, why not trust your uterus to do its work ?? OMG ! I wanted to go HOME, back to SA, with proper doctors, gynaes, scans and all things civilized... But I had major commitments at work and a fantastic Dutch medical coverage that would not cover any costs if I chose to have the baby elsewhere. So I was stuck. Now on to you.

I understand your logic of wanting the baby to grow up close to cousins and grandparents, with a culture and surroundings you know. And I understand completely how you feel when you say that you are worried that the child will end up not knowing his/her family... But you know what ? Reality is completely different from how you think it will be !

I live 24 hours travel away from all of my family and my kids know their grandparents much better than my sister's kids, who live 20 minutes drive away from my parents ! Proximity does not automatically ensure involvement. If you were to live closer to your parents or sister, don't assume that you will see them all the time. People all have their own lives and ppl in South Africa are SO busy during the week that they don't have time to see each other. During the weekends, ppl have to take care of all of their admin, paying bills, grocery shopping etc that Saturdays are too busy and on Sundays ppl just want to lounge around at home, spending time with their own little families or kids whom they haven't seen all week. When my second son was 5 months old, I went to SA and stayed for 3 months, to see what live in SA is like and to see whether it would be an option to move back. I was shocked to learn how little time ppl actually had to spend with us !!! I thought they would come over for tea, we would chat mornings away, we would meet at the mall and have coffee together, or I would leave the kids with my mom for the morning and go off to have a shopping morning with the girls... Boy was I wrong. Everyone was busy, busy, busy, busy !! I used to worry about my eldest playing with the kids in the neighbourhood, when they would fall off their bikes and hurt themselves, since you could never be sure which of the kids were possibly HIV +. There were so many things to worry about ! It drove me CRAZY ! They way I had envisaged it and the way it actually turned out, were WORLDS apart.

We go to South Africa at least once a year. Whenever we go there, my kids get more time and attention from my family than they would have ever gotten, had we been there permanently. While we are there, they go on game farm trips, with their dad, cousins and uncle, giving me some well-needed time off to shop and chat with the girls. Most of my family, including my Uber-busy dad take time off work, to play with the kids. We are always invited to stay over with the family, including so many more hours in the day, than you would have had if living at your own place. This way, I also get some time for myself, and all of my family get some time with the boys, to chat, play, etc. They help my dad by washing the cars, working in the garden, tinkering in the garage, my dad takes them swimming, runs around with them, takes them to the playpark, etc. While my mom bakes cookies with them, builds puzzles with them, puts them in the bath and reads them bedtime stories. My parents wouldn't have done half of these things with my kids if we lived just around the corner. We have also set up email, messaging, etc on the computer, so that the kids can chat to my parents and they can see each other via the webcam, it's great.

If your kids grow up, outside of SA and have never lived in SA, they won't know your frame of reference of "playing with cousins" and hanging out around the braai... So eventhough in your mind they may be missing out, they won't feel that way, since they have never know the situation you are describing. With some effort from your side you can offer your kids the best of both worlds. You can make Oz their permanent home, where they are safe and happy and SA the great holiday place, where they get to spend time with their family. You can also continue with all of the activities you would have wanted to do in SA with your family, in OZ, replacing family members with friends. Many of the friends we have made from across the world, we see as family.

I'm not so sure that I got my point across. What I want you to know if that choosing to have your baby and stay in Oz, can be the best choice for all. If you go to some effort to involve your family in the life of the baby, there is no reason why he/she should miss out on much. The quality of time spent with family when we live far away is often much higher than you would have had living closer.

I know what it is like to be far away from your family when you are pregnant. It was a very sad time for me too. It is a scary time for anyone, let alone when you are in a foreign country ! Good luck, email or PM me anytime, and let me know if I can do anything for you, I have been there and I know what you feel like. Take good care of yourself and try to surround yourself with caring, supportive friends, allow yourself to rely on them and don't try to cope on your own !

Lots of love and supportive thoughts from Korea

SS

[Riekie]

Zana, my heart goes out to you!! My kids are older so I don't know what I would feel like in the same situation (probably the same)! I do know that when you're pregnant, you're very emotional which must make it even worse for you! Hang in there girl, we're all here for you!! Hope you'll find the answers and also the courage to open up to your husband about your feelings - he's right next to you and the best person to comfort & understand you. Thinking of you.....!!!

Skies Zana, ek sien nou jou "post" was in Afrikaans!!! (Maar ek is seker jy verstaan wat ek geskryf het??) Dink aan jou - stertke!!

[Gautenger]

Hi Zana

Ek verstaan ook heeltemal hoe jy voel. Ons wil juis emmigreer oor ons nou 'n kind het. Sy het geen ordentlike langtermyn toekoms hier wat ons kan sien nie. Dus moet ons nou die moelike ding doen en ons kind wegvat van die wat sy, en ons, liefhet sodat sy nou in normale omstandighede kind dinge kan doen en later 'n regverdige kans het om iets van haar lewe te maak.

Ek is seker dat 90% van die mense hier het vir die rede ge-emmigreer. Ek se nie dat jy nie moet terugkom nie, net dat jy jouself moet tyd gee om dinge van alle kante af te bekyk voordat jy 'n besluit maak.

[zana]

Hi, Thank you for all the words of encouragement it's nice to know I am not the first and only person to experience these feelings. Although I do believe the hormones had a lot to do with it, 'cause I cant actually believe I considered going back Wasn't me ...lol

Thank you once again for the kind words

[Dedrei]

Zana, net vir jou dankie sê vir hierdie post. Ons beplan om ook eers te begin met die familie sodra ons gesettle is in oz.

Nou het ek 'n prentjie van hoe moeilik dit vir my ook gaan wees en dan sal ek maar ook support van die ander wat dit al deur gemaak het nodig hê.

Ek dink dit moet vreeslik moeilik wees waardeur jy nou gaan. Ek hoop en bid alles kom reg vir julle.

Ek weet dat omdat ons besluit het om te immigreer dat ons kind nooit 'n close relationship met sy oupa/ouma/oom's & tannie's gaan hê nie. En dis moeilik om dit te aanvaar.

Sterkte jong, ons dink aan jou

[Caroline]

Zana

It's Friday afternoon so hubby and I have finished a bottle of wine.... the man is now snoring louder than you can imagine, the two youngest are killing oneanother in one of the bedrooms and third boy has a friend sleeping over (heaven knows what they are getting up to ).

I don't understand a word of what you said (as I said... my translator is fast asleep) I will respond to what Seoul Sister and Reikie replied. When I delivered my second son I was living in Bergen in Norway, my husband had left because he hated Norway so much, my parents lived in Spain, the rest of my family lived on the other side of Norway so i was really alone. I was scared..... petrified is more like it. But you know what...... it just falls into place. Somehow when you have that beautiful child in your arms everything just feels perfect and you find a way. And I agree with Seoul Sister completely-distance makes the heart grow fonder- you and your family will make the most out of ever second you have together. Quality not Quantity

If I am completely out of line please forgive me

a) I don't speak afrikaans and b- I'm pisst

[Cindylou]

Zana

Skies om nie in Afrikaans te antwoord nie, I can't write at all well in Afrikaans, so I'm not going to insult your mother tongue by replying in it, please forgive me.

From my experience as one left in SA when my only sibling and his family emigrated I was most concerned about the fact that the two children (then three years old and four months old) would grow up not knowing their aunty. One the other hand I did not want them to grow up in this country, and so I encouraged them to leave. They came to visit just under four years later and my niece (the "baby") knew exactly who I was and had such love for me - I can't explain the joy I felt when that little girl curled up on my lap and went to sleep, holding my hand! My brother and his wife have always kept the SA family in their thoughts and in their lives and so the children have such affection for us - they are always asking when their "Grandpa Pete" is coming to see them, or coming to live with them.

My beloved niece and nephew have a strong sense of family, and when we see them we are overwhelmed by the strength of their ties to us, thanks to the efforts of their parents to keep us in their thoughts. I guess what I'm blathering on about is that, although it is not ideal, the family is making the best of things.

Good luck with the new life you are creating,

Cindylou