What about the kids?

[Koningleeu]

I don't want to drop a rock in your pond but what do your kids think, have you asked them before you came? I know i missed out on a lot of stuff when we came over. i missed matrick vacation and that was a big deal, i lost all my friends and at my age it was difficult to get into the whole thing. I am fine now but just talk to them before you come over and tell them to prepare for it and give them time to say goodbye it could be forever.

[Janine]

Hi Koningleeu

I gather from your post that you were in matric when your parents emigrated. Wasn't it tough to adjust in a new country & school during your final year? It must have been hard enough socially, to leave all your friends behind, but how did you manage to cope academically?

Janine.

[Koningleeu]

Yes indeed i was in matric but i finished a week before coming over, so when i arrived i had no real place to start make friends. the best thing then happened i took a year off and traveled a bit, the hostels was a great place to meet new people and learn to be independant. i am now enrolled in TAFE and my studies makes it easy to click with people with the same intrest. the only thing was i could not really say good bye, even when i went back for two weeks i could not find some of my friends.

[Janine]

So you went AFTER finishing matric? Surely you could have stayed behind then if that's what you really preferred? By that I don't necessarily mean permanently, maybe just a few months or a year or so to say goodbye properly, enjoy your end-of-school vacations, etc?

But then again, what's the use of trying to keep such long-distance friendships alive if it's never going to go anywhere? Sounds like you made some great new friends over there anyway.

In hindsight, if you could do it all over again, would you rather have stayed or are you glad you went when you did?

Janine.

Edited March 14, 2006 by Janine

[Van]

I think the older you are when you immigrate the harder it is for you because you start to identify really closely with your peers during the high school years. Some of our friends immigrated with high school children and are now here in Australia whilst all of their children have returned to SA and their friends.

The biggest problem is that young adults have already established strong relationships by the time they reach high school and when they immigrate (or even move) it can be extremely difficult to gain entrance into existing groups of friends and clicks in a new place. Your young adult might be feeling very lonely and might even be pushed aside and snubbed by peers in a new school in a new country because of being new and different. There is no group quite as brutal towards "different" as the group we know as adolocents or young adults.

I agree that it is a good idea to discuss and explain to older children exactly what they will be likely to experience during the immigration process and to put in place plans to help them integrate into their new country as soon as possible. Also, it's really good to give them a chance to say goodbye properly (this is often overlooked in the rush to get moving) and even to help them continue relationships from "back home" long distance if it will help them feel less alone at first. Over time these relationships will be replaced by local relationships, but it's hard to be cut off suddenly from your friends.

Your parents might have arranged for you to join a local club or gym where you might have met people your age sooner to help you establish new bonds in a strange country. Volunteer work and local travelling is also invaluable to help young people reconnect in a strange new culture and society.

Our son (year 12 VCE) is currently in Mildura working on a grape farm during his school holidays. We met some fabulous SAcans there and have some good friends there who are looking out for him, but no doubt living on his own in a packpackers and doing his own thing amongst his peers is doing him a world of good. He is enjoying every minute of it whilst we just want to call every five minutes to make sure he's eating well and gets enough sleep and other typical-parent-stuff like that. We resist the urge, but it's really hard

It's good for people to realise that young adults need a bit of extra help to get started in a new country. Just because you are old enough to understand the situation fully and to agree doesn't mean you are going to find it plain sailing once you are here.

[Riekie]

We discussed our plans to migrate as a family, and once we all agreed that we're all going, there were so many things to arrange and finalise that I guess we've neglected to stay in touch with our children's feelings - especially our older son. My greatest concern was my daughter 'cause I believed my son was all grown up and big enough to deal with things himself. Also, everything happened so fast (few months), there were barely enough time for the kids to work through their emotions and deal with the loss of their friends. I guess this is a lesson learnt (maybe too late, cause there's no 2nd chance when you emigrate). I just hope that parents still on their way would realise their children's fears & emotions and give more attention to that. My kids are both happy in Australia now, but I feel guilty for having to put them through it, even though I did it for their sake and their future (which I know they also know).

[Matt22]

Hello everyone !!!

I am in the seriously considering to move to Auz stage and have over the last few days been reading hundreds of questions and answers on this forum while my wife seems to be saddened by the whole idea. It is obviously important that we make this big decision together and I will not leave before then. My question however is this :

I mentioned to my kids (10 years and 5 years) how would they feel ? They both seem very enthusiastic and willing for the change. I have mentioned that if this happens there are no grannies, grandpa's, aunties uncles or friends around anymore........at all. They seem to be okay with it as they know we will make plans to visit and to get the familiar faces over there. However I do not think that they grasp the whole concept of such a move and also not having anyone familiar around the corner anymore. Should I make a point thereof to get this home to them or are they young/old enough to adapt easily and to come to terms with it should we make the whole move.

I do still have many more questions on various topics but that is for later. This I had to ask now as my kiddies are the light of my life and their happiness is also of utmost importance.

[DesertDaisy]

I'm currently living in the ME, where there are a lot of "mobile families" or expat families that end up having to move every 3 or 4 years. When we moved here our girls were 4 and 9mths old and it was difficult even then, especially for the eldest who had been very close to her granny.

We discussed it carefully and age appropriately with her, and tried to make it fun and exciting. We let her choose a brand new bedroom "look" to help her place her own stamp on the place. We also ensured we had a lot of her familiar things with us. I gave up some of my stuff to make space for her special things.

It also helped that we took photos along (and had her make her own photo album up) of all the family, and we would talk about it all the time. We had a trip home about 7 mths after we left, and that helped too. We would phone "home" whenever she felt the need, never mind the cost. She adjusted so much better once she was at school and had a regular routine. It also made her feel so much better once her beloved grandparents had come for a visit.

I have a lot of expat friends from all around the world, and the consistent thing seems to be that the hardest time for kids to move is in their early teens when their egos are fragile, and friendships all important. A couple of families even arranged for counselling to help their teens adjust.

I think an important thing is to give the kids something to look forward to. We don't even know if we are coming, but have begun speaking about the possibility with my eldest (now 6) and have discussed her getting her own room to decorate herself as well as starting ballet or dance lessons. If we do go, I expect tears and drama at the split from her best friend (except we heard today that they are also considering Oz!).

My youngest is now 3 and she is a totally other kettle of fish. I expect drama, as she doesn't like change at all. Even small change. I hope to get her in a nursery school as soon as possible and establish a routine pronto. I will still get tantrums and disrupted nights. Valium required for her mother......LOL

[sa2auz]

Hi there

We moved to Aus when my boys were 7 and 2. We discussed it with my 7 year old and he didn't really have any issues. He wanted to know if they speak another language or do they speak english. He wanted to know if they play sport there and if he could get a pet.

I have found the boys have settled so well, my eldest wasn't nervous at all about starting school and he is quite a shy child. He is in a small school with only 200 children and the head mistress knows every parent and child by name. My husband and son have joined a cricket club and my son is now doing soccer. I have found that getting them involved in sports and invited friends over has helped him settle but you would never say that he is the new boy in the school. I think you will be most surprised how well the children seem to adapt and it is easy to do so when you don't have to worry about crime and security. The children do miss their grandparents and family but we speak to them voip every second or third day. perhaps you could get both the grandparents and the children a little box full of stamps and postcards and maybe a journal. My boys love checking for post and wait by the window watching for the postman and then run out before he has a chance to put the mail in the box.

I think the easiest way to help the kids is to show them you are happy and have made friends. There are playgroups all over and this is a great way to meet people. Also the YMCA has all sorts of activities like gymnastics etc.

I have found that getting a little kitty for Christmas was the best thing ever not only for my eldest son but for all of us who miss our little doggie so much. The cat has bought us so much love and laughs and a small taste of normality I suppose.

Oh and the last thing. Take millions of pictures. Take pictures of your house, the kids friends your neighbourhood even the sign with your street name on. Let the children or yourself make a scrapbook they can even stick their favorite sweet wrappers in, the children can show the old photos to their new friends and show the new photos to family when they come to visit.

I am sure you won't have any problems as soon as you are okay the kids will be fine.

[Matt22]

Hello

DesertDaisy and sa2auz....thank you both for your advice. I think one good thing about both my kids is the fact that they make friends really easy and they are confident kids who are not really shy. The little one is now doing ballet classes and maybe getting her into that over there asap will be good too. My son absolutely loves sport and is also one of those who wonders why he should attend those pesky classes(school) between all the sports activities. Your idea of giving the kiddies and the grandparents stamps etc is someting I would not have thought of....thank you for that. Well your replies have helped alot thank you and if okay then I will be firing my other questions soon.