Babies And Grandparents...

[Vermaaks]

Good day Forumites,

I have been a lurker for some time - there is just so much information to work through. I finally plucked up the courage today to ask a facebook question. It almost feels easier on facebook since it has become such an everyday medium.

Anyway, we decided in 2009 to look into the Australian experience. Evidently this was also the year that I started working at a government department and the daily "challenges" paved the way to begin our journey. Then started the collection of documents and all the fun that entails.

Now we are still busy waiting for the results of the skills assessment and deciding which visa (175 or 176) meanwhile time is passing.

Which brings me to my real reason for the first post from our side. We would like to start a family, but like most saffas are worried about the future in SA for the children especially. We are now stuck between a rock and a hard place.

On the one side, I don't want to have our first child in SA and then he/she won't have Australian citizenship. On the other side I don't want the grandparents to miss out on the whole experience (it would be the first grandchild and both of our parents are still alive and well). Then if we do have kids now I don't know if it would be to heartbreaking to take them to Oz. But at least then they would meet thier grandparents. Not that I think this (opinion of grandparents) completely dicates our decision - we are ready to welcome some pink feet I am just worried that it will complicate our move.

The resentment that many forumites experience from thier families has lead us to be very cautious of the whole process.

I would love to hear from other new families how they handled this situation and how the grandparents reacted.

Thank you!

[Loutjie]

We are in a very similar situation. After my fiance finished her honors degree we decided that it was now time to make the big decision.

I have bought a new house 2 years ago and will probably have to sell once our visas are approved.

We also decided that SA is not the place we would like to start a family. We are the only people in our family who are going to make the big move.

My parents might join us in the future, if they decide to do so.

My fiance's parents live on a farm near Ceres in the Western Cape so we see them perhaps once a year.

Both our parents are very glad that we made this decision and at the end of the day it all comes down

to what you think is the best for your future family. Just like the early settlers, you will be the beginning of a new family.

And it's not entirely like the old days where goodbyes were permanent.

Some people have even more contact with their families now while being in Aus then when they were in SA.

Edited September 19, 2011 by Loutjie

[Renier perth]

I personally think its hard on us and the grandparents my wife is 33weeks pregnant. we just want to share every moment with them but cant, yeah you skype and send pics but its just not the same. Its a decision we made and we have to live with it, but it doesn't make it easier. the first time my parents will meet our baby, she will be allmost 8months old, we can see it in their faces that it hurts because its there first grand daughter.

good luck with your decision.

[PackingforCanberra]

Hi

We have 3 boys 19,17 and 8. We will be leaving in December. My mom is 73 my husband parents also that age. We then have an aunt and uncle on my husbands side that never had kids and practically helped us from the first child by taking to pre school or doktor or swimming lessons and so on. They are all devistated and so sad. So am I and my 8 year old. We are organising skype and try to plan that things go smoothly but it is so difficult.

We have to do it but I am not sure if I would be able to

Goodluck

Sandra

[Alida]

I think you have a few choices:

You can get pregnant ASAP, don't wait on life. We've decided on immigrating almost 4 years ago and continued with our family, having now a 6 yr, 4yr and 8mnth old. The nice thing of flying with a baby and children, is that you get the seats with a baby bed, giving you more room for your legs ...

It's so nice to share a pregnancy with your parents, especially if it is your first one. Let them have a share in it, enjoy it with you. If your plans progresses in such manner that you fly over pregnant to deliver there, let the grandparents come to visit. It will help you so much to have them there, anyway !

[zetman]

Hi there,

The reality is, there is no 'right time' to make the move. If you want all the stars to line up you may end up putting it off forever. The harsh reality is immigration is hard and emotional; and inevitably you, you're friends and family will need to go through the adjustment - whether that be during pregnancy, birth, kids at school etc. I guess what I'm saying is you can do your head in trying to come up with the 'right' decision. For us it was easier to just make the decision, draw a timeline in the sand, commit to make that happen and manage the fallout and implications as they arise.

My wife is now 4 months pregnant with our first child, we've been living overseas for 6 years now and have been in Aus for 4 years. It is hard on the grandparents, and we do still at times feel guilty for denying them the opportunity to go through it with us. They are coming to visit soon after the birth though. At the end of the day though I want to live in Aus, I want my kids to grow up in Aus, and looking back on it I am happy that we moved when we did and that they are going to be born here after we've had some time to get settled into our new life. Giving up on time spent with the our parents (the soon to be grandparents) is unfortunately the price we pay.

With regards to family, in our case we did not experience resentment, just sadness. The family left behind go through a grieving period with all the normal emotions....sadness, anger, denial....and eventually acceptance. When we first went back for a visit my parents and my in laws would pull me aside and ask 'when are you guys coming back?' But after 6 years when we last visited them this past Dec they pulled me aside and said 'whatever you do, don't come back...you're better off there'. It brought me to tears, but made me realize that, although it hurts for them to be without us they have grown to accept the decision and that it is for the better to ensure our and our children's futures...

z

Edited September 20, 2011 by zetman

[Nix]

There is good and bad to every life decision, and there is no perfect answer. You have to decide what your life priorities are....

Our daughter has grown up in the complete absence of family (she was born overseas and is now 8 - we now live in Aus). And it is hard for me as I know her family would be AWESOME with her (she has sisters, uncles, cousins, grandparents, nieces and nephews that she doesn't know).....but when I look at the life she has here, I never regret my choices. There is a price to pay and we pay it.....she really doesn't know the difference - it is me that mourns the loss of the family...

I would make the same choices again....

Life moves forward.....make your decisions for YOU - not others ...they too are busy making the right decisions for their life.....you need to make the right decisions for your life too....

Edited September 20, 2011 by Nix

[Vermaaks]

Hi guys,

Thank you for all the feedback. I guess I just never really figured there would be that many forks in the road. We always knew the financial implications and the loss of the familiar but never anticipated that we would have to make so many big decisions in such a short time.

We are first generation "immigrants" (we have not yet decided to stay forever but to rather go and test for 4 years).

But I am glad so many parents responded - it really has been a deciding factor for us to do what would be best for our future family.

Have a great day!

Erna

[SonjaO]

Hi Vermaaks,

We were in the same boat. We decided we wanted to come to Australia in 2004, still had no children, and ours would be the first grand children on both sides of the family. We decided to have the first child in SA, and then apply.

It took us a long time to fall pregnant, and our first boy was born in 2007. We submitted our application, and just after being assigned a CO, we got the good news that an unexpected 2nd one was on it's way. We informed DIAC to hold our application as we would need to add another member!

We had our second boy, got our Visa, and then started getting everything ready to come (sell the house, business etc). We arrived in November 2010 after 6 long years, with a three and a half and one and a half year old.

Having given you our history this is my comments:

1. Everything takes time, and we can't predict the timing of anything :-)

2. Apply for your visa and try and get pregnant, at the same time. Go with the flow.

3. The grandparents will be sad whatever you choose...unless you decide to stay.

4. It is MUCH more expensive to travel and settle with children than it is to do it only as a couple, maybe you could use that money to get the grandparents over for a visit.

5. Settling in with small children is exhausting. They still require attention and are unsettled while you are trying to figure out what to do and where to go.

6. If your kids are born here, they are citizens. That can never be taken away from them. Just look at what people on this forum go through to get that, and they can get it by simply being born here!

I wouldn't have done anything different, I don't believe in regrets. But every decision has pros and cons. Just decide what makes you happy.

Good luck, I know everything will work out the right way - for you!

[Vermaaks]

Dear SonjaO,

Thank you so much - points well made. I especially like number 3. Our parents are allready wondering why we can't just stay. Thank you for the personal touch of your advice.

Have a nice day!

[ErnaVermaak]

Feels like ages ago that I posted this topic!

Had my son last year August. Been easier than I thought it would be in some regards and harder in other ways. Like I was told above, while still in South Africa (!):

1. Government system is awesome over here, had my baby in public hospital and I was really happy with the care

2. Not having family close is sometimes hard but it was easier settling without kids in tow

3. We have an ozzie citizen in the house

Thank you again for all the advice.

[Riekie]

I could relate to it from both ends: when we moved over here 10 years ago, our kids were young and our parents really missed them even though they were not that much invovled with them. Over time, the kids moved on and to them, their grandparents are sadly now only fond memories of the past. I became a grandmother of our first little koala 6 weeks ago and I must say that I cannot imgaine not being able to see him all the time! They live 2 hours away and I'm down there all the time - sometimes twice a week! If they would ever move continents, and I'm not able to see our grandson, it would rip my heart out!

I guess it depends on how close your family is. I grew up in the age where children were seen and not heard. My kids grew up in an age where grandkids were seen only now and then - mostly at family get-togethers and very seldom were their school activities and other major events in their lives attended by their grandparents. So the bond there was not so tight to begin with. For them, it was easier to get used to not seeing their grandparents, although my daughter who was 11 at the time, did miss them quite a bit more than my son who was 18. Don't get me wrong - the love was there, but it wasn't a very involved relationship. Old school grandparenting... For families who are more close-knit, it could be very traumatic to suddenly not see your grandkids or grandparents all the time. Yes, Skype and all that makes it easier, but it is not the same. You cannot hug or cuddle through Skype.

There is no easy way to decide. All you can do is what is best for your kids and their future. If you believe it is in RSA, then stay. If not, then move.