Friends!!

[australian]

Hi Eveyone

We are leaving for Australia this year, and one of the things I am really going to miss is the friendships that I have formed here in SA. As I read in the forum, when you leave SA, you leave your friends behind, you keep in contact for a few months, and soon barely speak at all.....guess that's one of the things we will anticipate.

For all you over there already, how quickly do you meet new friends, and any suggestions on how to meet people.....I know my husband will be joing a soccer club, and having children at school will make things easier to.

I have friends who have moved over recently (unfortunately they have gone to Perth and we are going to Sydney) and they say instead of having a busy weekend, with braai's, birthday parties, meeting for drinks ect, they now have just the two of them, and that they have found to be the hardest to adapt to.

When we were over doing our LSD trip, we stayed in a house with some Australians.....they were wonderful, showed us around....took us out for drinks (Way too much....couldn't wait to leave so that my liver could recover) and we had such a great time, but since we have left, although trying to communicate with them, we have not heard from them. My brother, who is a bachelor in Aus, says thats the way people are over there, you have your own "group of friends" and you stick to them.

[Bianca S]

hi, can't talk about Oz, but know what you say about missing friends. It also takes a while to make new friends (not just contacts but FRIENDS), and its hard sometimes when you're new. You can't wait for that email from home.... and they do dry after afew years- from some 'friends'... you will be bowling for the other team now.

Its not a competition, but sometimes people want to defend so much why they are in SA, and asking you when you are coming back, that it becomes an issue and things just aren't the same anymore.

Best is to look ahead, and give things TIME.

We found that making friends through church, schools and local activity groups like 4x4, hiking groups help. It usually doesn't come to you, you have to go out and BE a friend. It was difficult in UK, as the culture from being a boere-meisie to a UK country-mum is different. Small villages here have their little groups, very little SA's - met some though SA-reunited. You can search Saffers living in your area, if you're a paying member...

Making friends is hard in the first year, when you are sort of mourning your loss of SA friends/family etc. But just force yourself to get involved and get out there. There are so many friendly people.

Just try to look at things that interest you, and join a club, or try something new - so many things are SAFE to do in Oz (like here in UK too), which you wouldn't have considered in SA.

Anyway - Hope it makes some sense.

Have a good weekend!

Edited January 19, 2007 by Bianca.UK

[sa2auz]

Hi there

I must say in SA most of our friends were hubbies friends and my friends were through work although we ddin't see each other that much outside of work. In Auz I have met alot of people mostly through the kids and school. I met 3 other mums at preschool who had just arrived in Aus from SA and then more recently have met others that have been here a while. I have met my closest friends on a forum and we have found that we have a lot in common. i have also met other people through friends and swimming lessons etc. You can meet others through playgroups etc. Both my hubby and son have joined soccer clubs and my sonplays soccer too. I have found that it is really easy to get peoples numbers etc but its takes a lot of courage to phone people and actually take the first step.

You will make friends but it does take some effort, good luck

[Guest Sunshine Sister]

Hi there,

Oh wow, what excellent advice from both Bianca and sa2auz, leaving me with very little to add. There really are SO many friendly ppl around, I am sure you are going to be pleasantly surprised.

Speaking of it not being a competition,(but a bit off the topic) I have found some of the Saffer girls here in Sydney to be extremely competitive. Not only in terms of what you look like, wear, drive, where your kids go to school, what your husband does, where you live (aggeshampies, obviously still in their little Saffer- trying-to-keep-up rut ) but especially with regard to how long you have been here, how fast/ well you are settling in, making friends, busy your social schedule is, etc. The mind boggles !! I think that because they have been here longer, they feel they deserve to have more friends or to be settled in better. They can really stifle your happiness and growth, best to avoid these negative types altogether. I personally know one, so they are probably (hopefully) few and far between, but you may just want to keep this in mind. Who needs the added pressure when adjusting to life in a new country.

I still have contact with many of my friends, including my best friend from when I was 8. Some friends I haven’t seen in years, we occasionally mail, phone or sms and they keep me posted on all of the important events in their lives. I have weekly contact with my parents and my sisters and hear from my favourite cousin probably twice per month - so it is not at all impossible, but it takes some work from both sides. Settling in and making friends does take time and you will probably find that in the beginning you are so busy coping with everything that you won’t even notice not knowing many ppl. Once you have settled in a bit more and have established a routine, you will probably start missing the familiarity of those you know well around you.

Yes, the Aussies do tend to stick to their own, I have managed to make 2 great Aussie friends who are moms from school and they have both lived overseas. All of my other friends in Sydney are foreigners, my closest friends are Saffers from the neighbourhood. (Not forgetting my fab cyberfriends, Jules, Noeks, Lindy-Lee, Dedrei, Ajay, Andie, Ray, Bug, Ouboet, JohanK, Dreamy, Larry, Barnone and many others).

I am sure you are going to be just fine.

Love

Sunshine Sister

[Suidwes]

Hi there,

Good advice from everyone. I've made friends through church etc. In contact with friends back in SA , on my side it is some of the extended family members ( cousins, aunts & uncles) that does'nt keep in contact.

I agree with SS that you WILL get Saffers in Aus and on the forum .... that "brags" about their fast & smooth immigration.

Immigration will show the true colour of your friends & family that stay behind.

Sw

[Guest Sunshine Sister]

Hehehe, yes Suidwes, I have seen the braggers, hehehe, they certainly are another species to avoid.

I was actually referring to the claws that come out when you as a newer Saffer-Aussie book some success with making friends and having a life. Heaven forbid you should have more friends or a busier schedule than others who have been here longer. It even got nasty, amazing what boredom (or is it jealousy ???) does to some, while I never even realized we were competing. Anyway, enough on weirdoes-without-borders.

Most South Africans here are great, friendly, helpful, funny and fun to hang out with.

Love

SS

Edited January 20, 2007 by Sunshine Sister

[Durban Girl]

Sunshine Sister - I was SO delighted to read your thoughts. I thought I was the only one experiencing "competition" and real, live, sharp claws !!! We have had a relativey easy immigration but it hasn't gone hand in hand with tons of friends ! It also amazes me that when I tell people that we have had a positive experience, they almost don't want to believe it and immediately ask questions to almost try and shed doubt on what I am saying. We have really pulled together as a family which had helped our transition but as the "new kid on the block", new friends certainly don't just fall into your lap. I have really met some great people here - mostly immigrants and mostly through my girls' school but I would certainly have to say that most are acquaintances as opposed to true friends. We are so settled but despite this, there are times I feel really lonely. And what compounds things is that as a newcomer, your confidence takes a HUGE knock. The worst thing for me is that I am so conscious of imposing on people ! I never want people to think of me as "needy" if you know what I mean; and I don't yet know anyone well enough to just "pitch up" without worrying that I am imposing. So yes, it certainly does take time and a lot of hard work. At times it just exhausts me having to make this constant "effort" ! I wish I knew people well enough to just "be myself" and not having to worry about what people think ! My advice is to get HEAVILY involved in school activites if you have kids at school. This really gets you "out there" and integrated. And at least every day you will have new contact with new people. And ignore those competitive "ones" !! I am really happy despite still lacking a whole bunch of good friends (they will come I am sure .... well I hope so !!). If people cannot be happy for you for having a good experience at immigration well then they are not going to ever be true friends as good friends should share in your good fortune not begrudge it. I am just an extremely positive, optimistic person by nature and it drives me nuts when people ask how I can be so happy when I have left all my family and friends behind !!!! I am happy and that's all that counts. Friendships take time to develop ... and I believe that they will.

Hope this helps and offers some encouragement.

Durban Girl

[Bianca S]

looks like its the same all over the globe with immigrant communities.

UK isn't very immigrant friendly at all , although we contribute a lot to economy (legal skilled immigrants that is) - they have huge issues with asylum seekers and people abusing the system. Small island with many people coming here -'soft touch' Britain!

So.... it is difficult to make close friends with Brits, although it does happen after a while when they lose their pre-conceptions about you being an immigrant. Lots of 'racism' here towards Asians and other nationalities (towards SA's too).

I also found that immigrants/foreighners stick together. The devides in coffee rooms at work are very obvious (immigrants, Asians, Brits, and then they even devide more between North and South England). Northerners mostly don't like Southerners!

My closest friends in England up to now are expats or workers from SA/Zim, Iceland, Canada, Sudan, Iran, Germany, Nigeria. People I can best relate to are mostly African!

Other Brit friends think the same way we do (politically open-minded and globally orientated), one very close friend was my assistant in my 1st job in UK, he is as old as my dad, and we always keep in touch. Other friend, also Brit, is now in NZ, emigrated and another Brit is now in Dubai for 2 years with hubby's job.

Our neighbours (Brits, always been in England) are like an Ouma and Oupa. They invited us over Xmas, and brought stuff over with my daughter's birthday, When we viewed the house in August, VERY HOT, they invited us in for cold drinks! We couldn't believe how 'open' and welcoming they are. So don't believe general ideas of the locals, coming from pessimistic people, its not always true!

So all I can say, do make friends and GO OUT and look for friends you can relate to, use SAReunited website and dont be shy (easier said that done, in SA you learn not to be that up front, but you have to do it after a while...), but also be 'open' to making friends with locals and dont just stick to what is more familiar. You will be pleasantly surprised.

Know what you mean about competition with settling in, what a pain. We can't be bothered, al we do is for our family and God and we live and do as we CAN and settle at our own pace, let them compete!

take care

Bianca x

Edited January 20, 2007 by Bianca.UK

[Dedrei]

I can certainly agree with what has been said. Aussies do keep to their own and us being a couple with no children has also really made it hard, especially on me.

We have been in Aus since April06 and it has taken me up to recently to try and become friends with a lady at work. I don't have a really outspoken personality at all and am really shy so this was my biggest hurdle. Seems that my "hard" work has paid off and we go for lunches now at chat more like friends than co-workers. She pregnant and some of you might have seen that I will be throwing a baby shower for her in two weeks, cause these lazy ladies at work didn't even think of it. Takes a Saffer to show them how it is done.

She will be going on maternity leave soon and won't be back at work until October. So I really have to work at this and keep in contact. It is hard, but the reward is so worth in the end.

All the friends I have made on this forum are a real life saver and I do love them dearly. I am one that makes friends not very easily but when I do, you can bet your life on it, it will be for life.

Cheers

D

[Suidwes]

Hi Dedrei,

Ek dink dit het baie te doen met stedelinge teenoor plattelanders. (Jy is mos in Cairns ne?) Die plattelanders in Qld het regtig uit hulle pad gegaan om ons in die gemeenskappie in te trek. Ek dink mens sal dieselfde probleem dalk in SA gehad het as jy byv. van kaapstad af na Johannesburg toe getrek het.

Wees net geduldig en hou moed, sodra daar 'n babetjie oppad is, verander alles.

Net gou weer 'n oomblik weer van die topic af klim... Dan kry jy weer die "braggers" aan die ander kant van die wipplank van NIEMAND het so swaar soos hulle gekry met die immigrasie nie. Hulle raak skaamkwaad as jy vinniger vriende maak, vinniger werk kry, met die eerste probeerslag lisensie kry ens. En hulle deel nie maklik info ivm immigrasie nie. Van banggeit hulle maak dit nog makliker vir jou.

Duidelik is hier min van hierdie tipe braggers op dié forum.

Sw

[Riekie]

Duidelik is hier min van hierdie tipe braggers op dié forum. Sw

Duidelik!!

Australian, to answer your question: It took me a while to make new friends - you know, the type you can drop in on anytime and who makes you laugh, someone to share your more intimate emotions with and who needs few words to understand you. I had a friend like that in South Africa and I must be honest, I did not think that I'd find another friend like that ever again. For about 18 months I met a lot of people - some very nice, and some, the type you hope does not have your address! (South African, Australian & other) but I just did not have a "connection" with anyone in the same way I had with my friend in South Africa. So, although I was surrounded with people a lot of the time, I missed my friend and soul-mate terribly! Then, along came a person whom I'd never have imagined would become that person in my life again. With time our friendship grew (it still does! ) into something more than just knowing each other and sharing a few slices of cheesecake. We continue to discover just how much we have in common and just how much we feel the same about the important things in life. As an added bonus, her hubby & mine really get along very well and so does our kids!

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it will take time to form the same bonds & friendships you had and you will feel lonely and a bit left-out in the beginning. Just don't let it cloud your mind and miss out on a friendship because you either want to find the exact replica of your friend "you left behind" or because of pre-conceived ideas about what your friend should be like. I discovered a real true friend by letting go of the unavoidable obvious - let's face it, you can not survive forever on virtual relationships......

As far as meeting other South Africans go: you will meet them in time and allover the place. Some will become friends, some will become good friends and others are better to only know in cyberspace or not at all. We are so hungry for friendship that we sometimes latch onto the wrong people simply because they're South African - only to be disappointed. Choose your friends carefully and be open-minded. You do get the South Africans who are still very set in their ways (biggest house, better car, best private schools, location location......) but they are really in the minority. When you meet South Africans (or Aussies) and they ask you how long you've been here, it's only because it is a point of conversation and out of interest - really!

Unfortunately it is a fact of life that distance does affect relationships and you will, with time, move on from most of them. The good news is: you WILL make new & wonderful friends again (South Africans, Aussies and even friends from other places in the world)! All in good time......

[Guest Sunshine Sister]

Hi girls,

After that rather ungainly attempt at concealed innuendo , I share the following words of wisdom with you :

Those who seek happiness miss it, and those who discuss it, lack it.

~ Holbrook Jackson ~

Pay no attention to the expertise of others, find your friends and happiness where it suits you !

Love

SS

[Guest colton]

Meow, put the claws back in Sunshine. Most of us have no idea what you are talking about, and don't want to know!

I'm most probably going to get it now......

[Guest Noeks]

S - W - I - F - T - L - Y moving on............... My, my, where did that sudden outburst come from??? Returning to the very obvious topic of FRIENDS.....

When we lived in England for 3 years, I made the best friends that I have ever had in my whole life, including those "back home" - and each and every one of them were pommies !!!! They drew me into their very close-knit group and accepted me just as I am - warts and all - didn't once have to pretend I'm something that I'm not - I was myself, called a spade a spade, as I always do, acted like I always do, just being myself, and they adored me for it - I'v been in Australia for nearly 11 months now, and we still correspond and communicate on a regular basis - every time they go out on the lash, they still buy a Jack Daniels on the rocks, and put it in the centre of the table - in remembrance of me!! I love them so-o-o-o much and miss them even more. I met a few South Africans whilst living in England, but found them to be, as mentioned in previous posts, very snobbish, superficial, materialistic and up their own arses. I don't do people like that and thank God every day that I don't "need" people like that in my life....

Here in Aus, strangely enough, its taken longer to "make friends" as such - the Aussies are a friendly, welcoming bunch but definitely, in my experience, take a bit longer to accept you. However, once again, its up to you to get yourself out there and integrated - sitting at home aint gonna cut it. Getting involved in the schools is one great way of meeting other mums - but then again ............ can also be a tad tedious - as their conversations are very limited to ... ag, the usual ol' mumsy school stuff - which is okay in moderation but don't see myself becoming long lost friends with them. I have met Saffers here in Perth that I have come to adore - a few that I know, without a doubt, I will have for life. I'v met some of the guys here on the forum, and l-o-v-e their company - I know that I can pick up the phone any time, day or night, and they'll be there for me - wonderful girls. Just wish that that gorgeous SS lived closer to me - don't u want to move to Perth, poppie??? - then it'll be just purrrrfect!!! Luv u my ou Sonneblom! (and the rest of u Perth blommetjies - you know who u are!)

Thats my contribution guys - the best advice is to just get out there and do your own thing and be yourself - people naturally gravitate towards warm, genuine, friendly, confident and happy people - never mind where you come from!

Good luck with making the bestest friends ever !!!

[Hendie]

After that rather ungainly attempt at concealed innuendo , I share the following words of wisdom with you

Ag kom nou SS, hierdie is heeltemal ongevraagd. Dis regtig nie gepas om iemand so in te vlieg nie. Die raad wat gegee is is na my mening opreg en sonder bybedoelings gedoen. Kom ons hou die gesprek op 'n gesonde voet?

[Spider]

Hi Guys,

On the topic of friends i posted a while back on LSD forum that we'll be in Brisbane for a week from 7 February, then a week on Gold Coast from 14-20 February, then in perth for 5 days before coming back to SA....

I was hoping we'd be able to meet up with SAffers already in those areas for a coffee or a dinner or anything really as it would be great to meet people already there and start making some friends over that side...it would be awesome....

So i'm hoping there's more people out there who'd like to meet up some time while we there and socialise??

We're both turning 25 whilst in Australia and also will become "officially" engaged during this time so its going to be an exciting time for us but meeting others will add to it...

Thanks

Chand's

[Riekie]

Hi Chandi, I'm in Sydney, so I won't be able to meet up with you, but I just wanted to congratulate you on your upcoming engagement & B-days!! What do you have planned for the engagement or is it still a surprise? In Aus the possibilities are endless if you really want to do something out of the ordinary to mark this special day!! Hope you have a fantastic time and a lot of unforgettable moments & memories!!

[Spider]

Hi Riekie

Thanks so much for that. we haven't fixed the how yet for when we "officially" get engaged, any suggestions?

we want to do it in Oz as it will be special with just the 2 of us, as well as part of our greater end goal of moving there...

[DesV]

How to make friends with an Aussie

I have found aussies very sensitive even though they tend to be out spoken and brash, they dont share the same sense of humour as most South Africans do and find it difficult to laugh at themselves, with that in mind I look back to my days in South Africa especially in the time of the "rooi gevaar" where I was a patriotic troopie and would have never considered leaving SA, the thing I hated most was know it all immigrants who moved to my country critisized my culture and traditions, knew better than any one else and kept telling me how it was done in their country and how much better it was, my thought was always the same well why dont you go back where you came from!

I have given this a lot of thought and found that as an immigrant we need to learn to apprecciate the Aussie way of life, adopt it for ourselves, and yes when you talk to Aussies tell them what a great place this is how well they do things here and what a great nation they are, throw in a little critism about where you have come from, you will be amazed at the results, they want to know more about you and where you came from and let you know more about themselves, they open up and before you know it potential for friendships develop.

Good luck and welcome to Australia,

[JacoE]

And here I am, not even having been able to make friends in SA...and I was born here.

I noticed though that so far only women have been writing in this thread...mmmm, maybe I should consult a surgeon?

jaco

PS. Had a couple of great friends a few years back, one emmigrated and one tragically died in an aircraft accident. My brother is my best friend (apart from my wife) but he lives in Norway, so we don't often braai together.

Edited February 5, 2007 by JacoE

[JacoE]

I noticed though that so far only women have been writing in this thread...mmmm, maybe I should consult a surgeon?

Hierdie aangeheg namens Tania:

Edited February 6, 2007 by JacoE

[Guest Noeks]

What a bumma !!! LOL !!! Oh yes, be afraid, be very afraid ... its more common than you think !

[Guest colton]

Funny you should say that Noeks. I was in IGA today and this "woman" came past me, tiny tiny tiny mini skirt, stilleto heels, low cut top, tons of makeup but very definitely a MAN!!! She/He had very broad shoulders and hairy big man arms, some things you just can't hide. Well, obviously he could hide "something" !

[Dreamcatcher]

I wish I knew people well enough to just "be myself" and not having to worry about what people think !

Durban Girl

Hi there

Durban Girl, you got me thinking.

I used to be like this, first trying to get to know people before I let them get to know me. But this is the wrong way round (only my opinion, and completely referring only to myself here! ) I found that I had to get to know MYSELF first before I stopped worrying what people think of me. This is an ongoing process, I don't think I will ever know myself completely but as Lindy-Lee described in one of her posts, you could find that YOU could be your own best friend.

On the topic of making friends, and losing friends. I have no more friends in SA. They don't contact me, my emails go unanswered. Some of them owe me money, and are not paying up.

I sometimes get so sad, when I see something, or something happens in my life, and I want to tell someone, or share it with someone in SA. When I start thinking who I could share it with, and I come up with no-one. None of my so-called previous friends would even care to hear from me.

I am extremely fortunate to have made very good friends here in Aus. I joined the Volunteer centre about a week after we landed, and through them I made a lot of acquaintances and contacts, and a few dear friends. We recently had a farewell party, and there I was surrounded by a group of about 20 people who call themselves MY FRIENDS!

So don't despair, you will make friends here, people are different here. Maybe it is a bit harder in the cities, but good luck. And if you still find it hard to make friends out there, remember - we are here.

Greetings,

Dreamy

Edited March 5, 2007 by Dreamcatcher

[kangaroo]

I used to be like this, first trying to get to know people before I let them get to know me. But this is the wrong way round (only my opinion, and completely referring only to myself here! ) I found that I had to get to know MYSELF first before I stopped worrying what people think of me. This is an ongoing process, I don't think I will ever know myself completely but as Lindy-Lee described in one of her posts, you could find that YOU could be your own best friend.

Wise words, Dreamy!

I know exactly where you're coming from. I used to be like that too. Still takes practise to be different. I think it's because we are all apprehensive to a certain extent to 'let people in' as we don't want to expose our hearts and souls too much at first. Immigration in a way makes us all even more vulnerable as the usual support systems are perhaps no longer there, the perceived security we had is no longer present, it's a new country with new everything...exciting but also a bit scary

You've got a point with the 'order' of the making friends process.

Life and friendship become that much more fun, interesting, natural and relaxed when we just accept ourselves and learn what we as people prefer, like and are all about while giving others the same scope to find that unique individuality within themselves. After all, I'd never want friends who only agreed with me all the time or who were carbon copies of me in all they did, said, etc. I actually like it (find it very stimulating and interesting) if people can actually make me reconsider my own thoughts and make me think without enforcing their opinions/beliefs/personality on me.

I suppose it's all about reaching out first, being brave and being willing and confident enough to be vulnerable first by being yourself 100% (AND LIKING YOURSELF) and accepting the fact that some people may like you for it and some may not..and that's OK too. Better to not be liked for who you are than liked for who you are not.

I've also most definitely found it to be essential to be your own best friend before you can be someone else's friend... truly an ongoing process as we all get our 'up/good' days and our 'not-so-up/good' days when we need to be extra good to ourselves.