Difficult Family Members

[jaxmvr]

Hi, just want to know if you had family members in SA that had a huge problem with your descission and how you handle them.

The majority of the people here accept it, but I get remarks such as:

"Julle is binne 6 maande sak en pak terug" (Will never happen )

"Hoe kan julle julle broers en susters wat julle nodig het net so los"

"Jy moet jou land 'n kans gee!"

"Ek kan nie dink jy is so selfsugtig nie"

Untill now, it was ok because it was still a long process, but as soon as we've told the people we are going for medicals it is this verbal abuse. I try to smile and say that we do it for our children etc etc, but cannot help feeling guilty (I know, I know ) and terribly sad.

Can you give some advice, please

[JohanK]

You know what, I think every person here can probably tell you a story like that!!!!!!!

My brother and his family came on a LSD trip to Oz came back and told us that it was the $$%%^^ place on earth and they don’t want there kids to grow up there!!!!!!!!

We then decided to come and have a look for ourselves as I could not believe it and make no mistake my brother and myself think alike on most things in life. We arrived back in Good old SA and when we told everyone we were going they were the most shocked of all. I was making a choice on my emotions and all sorts of crap!!!!! We had such a huge fight one day at a family gathering in the Spur that everyone around us just looked at us and from that day onwards thins was not the same, but so be it!!!

Please Please Please Please don’t let that put you off, you have to make decisions for your own direct family and stuff the rest. If you believe this is something that is going to work for your family the so be it and let them say what ever they want to. I have been through it and believe me it is not worth worrying about!!!!!

Last night I spoke to my Dad and he told me that my brother told him his kids is growing up in his back garden because they cannot go anywhere on there own. Then I just sat back and thought “You know what it was there choice not to come when they had the opportunity”

So once again you will get that sort of comments but you will also get the positive ones just keep focus on what you want to do and stuff the rest!!!

[Norm]

Hi there

I tend to find that South Africans generally have no idea what Australia is like and all the negative publicity dumped on us about Australia doesn't help. The reality is that until they have actually been there and seen the country, met the people and experienced the lifestyle, they will never understand. Australia is something you need to experience... It's not something easily described.

I know this all 'cos I was the difficult family member and after a month visit the first thing I did when I got back was put in my application.

So just ignore them... They'll "get it" one day when they come to visit.

Norm

[Ziggy]

Jong dis ‘n baie teer sakie wat jy nou aanraak en ek dink almal het met die probleem gesukkel/sukkel steeds. Nie maklik om ‘n wen-wen situasie hieruit te kry nie.

Aanvanklik dink meeste mense dat jy gou koue voete gaan kry en die proses los en probeer mens so beinvloed dat mens later twyfel of jy die regte ding doen. Maar hoe meer mens vordering maak, hoe”aggresiewer” begin die gesprekke raak oor “landverlaters, verraaiers, papsakke ens” Die groottste fout, ek dink, is om almal rondom mens te probeer oortuig dat die “trek” die beste besluit is…

Dis ‘n moeilike ding ook vir die wat agterbly. Hulle het ook vrese, en verlange wat mens kan verstaan, so moenie probeer om iemand te oorreed dat die beweging wat julle op besluit is die “BESTE” is nie, want vir hulle is die beste om te bly, waar mens se hart en familie is, waar jou wortles is…

Wat ek gevind het werk is om almal op hoogte te hou sou hulle daarna vra. Het dit nie heeltyd in hulle gesigte gehad nie en het nooit gepraat oor waar ons in die proses is nie, want ek was gevoelig vir hulle omstandighede ook.

Jy moet ook besef, dat mens werklik met ‘n ongekende verlange sit na ‘n ruk in die vreemde en werklik so terug verlang dat jy soms nie uit die bed wil opstaan nie, maar dit moet ook gebeur en mens moet daaraan werk. Jou netwerk wat jy aan die kant bou is die mense wat jou gaan deurdra as die “rëenboog” sy kleure verloor. Dit is ‘n stadium en moenie maak soos ek gemaak het en gaan terug om na ‘n ruk te besef dat die “rëenboog” waarna ek verlang het nie meer bestaan in Afrika nie…

[Queensland Girl]

Hi Jaxmvr

Each and every one of us has heard it all before.

JohanK-your story with your brother saddened me.Immigrating is hard enough, but to not to have a supportive brother would make it much more difficult. I hope in time you will work this out.

Norm-yes-you came and looked yourself and made up your own mind. Well done.

I believe that MANY of the negative reactions you receive might be from people who love you, and dont want you to go.

Just as we used to justify our decision to go, by listening to all the "bad news" about SA, many South Africans justify their decision to stay by joyfully listening to all the BAD things about Australia. And urban legends abound.

I have also learnt that when I go back to SA , I dont harp about how good my life is, and how great Australia is, how glad I am I left etc etc.

It is just not fair to do that. Not all can leave. I only elaborate to people who really want to know. Most will only listen if i talk about a negative I have encountered in Australia.

[Tazz]

Dont worry,

All I hear at work is "you traitor". These comments I dont let get to me. Anyway I have 2 days left of work and then I am finnished

The worst comment I heard was that a freinds mom said of her daughter immigrating "your leaving is like a death in the family".

People only say these things out of ignorance, jealousy and selfishness.

Some people seem to take ones moving personally. Let them but it is a waiste of energy for you to argue the reasons why you going as it will not change their view point and the way they feel

You know whats right for you and your family and thats that.

[Bob]

Adri,

mate . . . . you've got to look at the BIG picture.

Are you responsible for your parents' or your brother's or your sister's future?

. . . . or are you responsible for giving your kids the best possible future you can offer them?

YOU will still be the one responsible for the outcome of your kids' futures in 20 years time.

Sadly, your mum and dad won't be with you forever. They have made their lives and they are the ones responsible for the decisions that they have made for their future . . . . . not you!

YOU are the one responsible for your kids and their future.

Now . . . after your mum and dad are long gone, your kids will still be around, God willing.

Who are you to listen to?

Your mum and dad . . . your brother . . . or sister?

. . . or your kids?

My son and daughters are Australians.

They come and go as they please.

My daughter often comes home after midnight from friends and goes off to Sydney or Melbourne on her own or with mates to see bands play or whatever. She has been to America and is off to Pretoria on Friday. She has freedom to live her life as she chooses. . . . no hassles, no fear, no looking over her shoulder all the time, no worries.

. . . but then again she's an Australian kid and has this ability to do as she pleases . . . so does my son.

My kids can go to ANY University in Australia, can go for ANY government job, can accept ANY job offer, can live anywhere they like in Australia without discrimination. They CAN . . . . (whatever)

In South Africa could they work for the gov't? can they go to any University? get any job? Live anywhere? etc. etc. etc.

Do your nephews or nieces go downtown as they please? come back after dark? go off to Cape Town alone or with mates to see a band? go off to the bush for a weekend? do you have no worries??

I'll leave you with it.

[Sam]

Mate, it wasn't easy then and it isn't easy now. Just remember one vital thing: if you wait for their approval, you may wait forever. When people find that they can control you by withholding affection, they can yank you wherever they want you to go. Even if it is loved ones.

As far as your own feelings of sadness due to guilt-trips, manipulation and rejection, just let yourself experience and move through them. It is very natural and part of a process you cannot avoid.

Best wishes, Sam

[Spider]

Hi there,

We are lucky with our decision to start the process to apply to Oz and our family and friends are all very supportive because they know it would be better for us...

If anyone close to me had to react like that, and i allow it to change my decision i would eventually regret it and hold it against them...would they make decisions according to you? People who make comments like that are selfish themselves, its your life and your choice on how to go about it and you'll need all the support you can get...

Maybe they think that by showing their support it may give the impression that they don't need you or won't miss you and they are scared for you too...so there's a few ways to see it as people all react differently...either way its not easy but its YOUR choice...

Good Luck!!

Chandi

[Bob]

Out of 700+ people on this website, I wonder how many have had guilt trips and all the other sorts of manipulation put on them, only to find, a couple of years down the track, that their brother, sister or cousin, etc. wants to "visit" Australia to see "what it's like"? . . . . . . . . mmmmmmmm

There have to be loads and loads of rellies coming afterwards on a visit, and seeing for themselves what it's really like in Australia, and deciding to come to live here!

Makes you wonder who is the smart operator, after all?

[Jimmy]

I have also learnt that when I go back to SA , I dont harp about how good my life is, and how great Australia is, how glad I am I left etc etc.

It is just not fair to do that. Not all can leave. I only elaborate to people who really want to know. Most will only listen if i talk about a negative I have encountered in Australia.

[jaxmvr]

Thank you so much for the overwhelming response. It makes it so much easier to actually see that most of you went through similar situations. I have also realised that not talking about it makes it a little bit easier for them. I just wished they could be glad for us to see that our dreams come true at last but fortunately we have this forum where a new "family" can rejoice in our happiness. I think because they do not have the funding to come and visit soon and we will have to wait a few years to be able to afford a vacation back in SA, it makes it more difficult. Well, we must still pass the medicals - what do they say, don't count your chickens....

Have a super day everyone!

[Charlie Brown]

Hi there

I am Charlie Browns wife, and we are investigating the possibility of us immigrating, we have two boys aged 5 and 6 months and we are really worried about their future as well as safety. When I mentioned to my mom that we are looking into immigrating she was devastated and said to me that she understands but it will break her (guilt trip 101). I do understand but why can people not support instead of always ridicule, it is difficult decision as it is never mind outside influences

Nix

[sa2auz]

Hi there

Well I am sort of glad but sad to see that we were not the only ones to have had to leave under such difficult circumstances. Half our family were very supportive, agreed we were doing the right thing but taking their only grandchildren was going to kill them. The other half of the family were defensive and rude and wouldn't speak to us for weeks. It was so tough on us and everyone but now that we are here, everyone agrees that we did the right thing, they have come to visit and are even considering immigrating themselves.

At work I heard the weirdest things, "you can't walk on the beaches because there are sooo many needles" etc. I couldn't believe the rubbish that was coming out of peoples mouths when they had never been to Australia and had no idea of how the system works.

All I can say is, Australia is wonderful and you have to go with your heart. Most of the people who are defensive are those that can't immigrate and have to talk up where they have to make their future work ( you can understand that) and talk down everywhere else, whether they know the facts or not.

I am sure you will find that your family will change in time. I found that my family wanted to find out about the little things, the cars the schools, our house etc. We post a cd home with hundreds of photos every month or so and we hope that we will be able to save for them to visit us, rather than us visiting them.

Good Luck

[Riekie]

Been there, done that, got the blame & the T-shirt........ It's as part of immigration as booking your flights. Sad, very sad, but true....... They'll survive, and so will you. Just hang in there!!

[Bob]

" . . . . . but now that we are here, everyone agrees that we did the right thing, they have come to visit and are even considering immigrating themselves."

"All I can say is, Australia is wonderful and you have to go with your heart."

"I am sure you will find that your family will change in time. I found that my family wanted to find out about the little things, the cars the schools, our house etc." . . . . quote sa2oz

When you look back, in years to come, you may find some family members actually thanking you for pioneering a way to a more secure future for them all.

[BeeTee]

ExASP, wanna add anything?

[Rison]

Some Family Members understand, but others choose to ignore the situation, right until the day you leave. Then they realise that you are serious. You get that look of unbelief. I feel sorry for the Grand Parents who will miss their Grand Children a lot. My priorities lay with my wife and childern and their safety. It was not easy to leave other family behind , but certainly a hard decision that I had to make. Friends can also be difficult and they may also disagree with your choice to immigrate.

[jaxmvr]

Rison, couldn't agree more. My parents both passed away and Jaco's father died two years ago. We want to see if we can persuade his mother to come as soon as we've settled.

Thank's again for all you response. Feeling much better.

[Gee]

Hi all

my credo in life and particularly re migrating is:

"I am not on this earth to live up to anyone's expectations"

if family or friends want to get funny about leaving so be it...

my family and I are at peace with it and for me that's the most important

Gee

[Sam]

Good on ya! Immigration is all about priorities and living up to your expectations in life.

Edited December 17, 2006 by Sam

[ExASP]

LOL Bee Tee...ummm welll... as Riekie said..been there done that...a new take on this is...we cant tell my sister that we have decided to take up Aus citizenship... somehow after two years she still believes we will be back to live there...