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SA criminals celebrate deputy Police Minister Mbalula

PRETORIA. South African criminals have welcomed the appointment of former ANC Youth League President Fikile Mbalula as Deputy Minister of Safety and Security, saying that it signals the end of the government's fight against crime and the beginning of an "off the hook bitchin' crime parteh" during which caps will be popped in people's bottoms.

The appointment of Mbalula into the highly sensitive Safety and Security ministry has come as a shock to many political analysts who had assumed he would be given a portfolio more in line with his skills set, which includes being able to fog mirrors and count to nine.

However the country's criminals say they are glad to see that Jacob Zuma's government is finally being practical and giving up the war against crime.

Speaking to journalists this morning at a team-building breakfast in the Jackie Selebi Memorial Hideout in Sandton, crime lords said that Mbalula's appointment marked a "new day" for South African criminals.

"No longer will we need to steal filing cabinets full of dockets from top-security police stations," said spokesman Vingertjies Booi. "No longer will we have to speed up to a jog to evade the short fat fingers of the morbidly obese law."

He said if Mbalula's track record was anything to go by, crime prevention in South Africa would now grind to a complete halt and be replaced by a series of press statements "in his distinctive hybrid language somewhere between English and Lobotomese".

Asked what the criminal community's first act would be under a Zuma presidency, Booi said that it would be "more popping of caps in people's asses".

Meanwhile, President Zuma has conceded that he struggled to pick his new cabinet.

"They had one in teak, and another one in ash which was gorgeous, but mahogany is so warm, especially in the bathroom which is a little cold with all the tiles, you know?" he said this morning.

In other cabinet news, Tokyo Sexwale says he is delighted to be the country's new Minister of Human Settlement, and says he will get to work as soon as he finds out what Human Settlement means.

"Since there are already Ministers for Home Affairs and Housing, I can only assume Human Settlement has got something do with spreading human life into the Cosmos," said Sexwale.

However, he said he had not yet worked out whether this would "involve space ships, or just the random spraying of semen into space and hoping for the best".

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