Now what?

[Stix]

To all forumites!

I need advice. My wife and I moved to Oz 3 months ago and to make a long story short, we are getting a divorce and she is moving back to ZA (and no, the big move was not the reason, although the stress contributed). Luckily we do not have any kids.

Now, I do not know what to do. I can stay here and struggle through this on my own or go back where I have friends and family that will make it easier to get through this period. I have PR so I can always come back in 2-3 years time when I'm ready.

Stix

[AndreaL]

Hi Stix

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about the break up of your marriage, this is a terrible stress to deal with and on top of the stresses of migrating-well that is such a lot to cope with.

I don't want to give advice as I am not qualified in any way and have no experience in dealing with the collapse of a marriage, so will just comment on the thought process I see within your post.

It does look to me that you are leaning toward going back to RSA where you will have much needed support.

As you say you have p.r and can always return, you have been here such a short time that is unlikely you have any type of support system here, so that does sound wise.

Then there are the practical considerations such as will you be able to find employment in RSA and again if you return to Australia.

Perhaps in familiar surroundings and without the stresses of a new country you may both be able to consider discussing the reasons that led to this decision with a professional?

I am sorry I can't offer you anything more constructive but wish you both the best at this most difficult time.

AndreaL

[Superkruz]

Stix,

Check out RSVP.com.au. Maybe some of the people on there can help you make up your mind!

Seriously though, a divorce is bad at the best of times but I dont know whether going back is the answer if you eventually want to be here. I suggest you make some friends here and establish a network to support you. If you wanna join me for a game of squash or a beer then drop me a PM. We are a few guys who did not have many friends here so we started our own circle of friends... there is always room for one more if you're interested.

Good luck, bru!

[sonnetjie]

Stix sorry to hear about your divorce. Ultimately only you can decide where the best place to be for you is. If you have gone down the counseling part and there is no way to save your marriage. I would not go back to SA. I would take positive steps to start building a new life for myself in Oz. Get involved in a church or community group where you can start building a support network. If you going to re build your life you might as well be starting it in Oz. Instead of doing it in SA and then having to uproot yourself again. See if you can possibly get involved in http://www.divorcecare.org/ or http://groups.msn.com/divorcecaresupport/ or http://www2.hillsong.com/citycare/default.asp?pid=334#dc to give you an out line of the course I have had a number of friends that have highly recommended the group and had some very positive results in their lives.

Edited January 7, 2009 by sonnetjie

[polly]

If you have a job in Aus, maybe stay on? It might be easier in the long term than to return. I would suspect you are very sad at this stage and to go back and try to resettle in SA, find a job, etc. is not good in your current frame of mind. Since you have PR, give it a few months more in Australia and see how it goes.

I am really sorry that things have worked out this way for you.

[koosd]

Sad to hear about the divorce, but you have to decide for yourself. We can say stay or leave, but you know yourself and what you want to do. Yes, family will help alot, but ......

Good luck

Cecile

[sbhennops]

Hi Stix.

Sorry to hear about your current situation. If you need some spaceand a chat, just PM hubby and me, and we can arrange a get together. Will be in SA from 24th Jan to 21 Feb, but otherwise will be around.

Good Luck

Steph

[Lyn]

Sorry to hear your situation. I too do not feel qualified enough to give advice, but a little suggestion - are you employed here ? Besides the divorce - are you happy here ? If so - why not see this as an opportunity for a new start. Going back to SA where you most likely have common friends may not be the answer.

Just my 2c.

[Stix]

Thanks for all the replies. It seems that most of you believe that staying is the right option.

To answer some of your questions: Yes, I am currently employed (job is ok, but not spectacular), but I also have a job waiting for me in RSA (if I want it). Financially the RSA option is better, as I will be earning the same there as what I'm earning in Oz, with things obviously being cheaper that side.

I have made some friends in Brisbane, but at this stage they are still just "kennisse" and I'm really yearning for a good conversation with a good friend over a good bottle of wine.

[polly]

All the best. Seems going 'home' it is for you. Hope you get back on your feet soon.

[Legalbuff]

Hey Stix

Just my 2c. Remember how your "good friend" BECAME "good friends".

Through the share of joy, sorrow and heartache, the good and the bad.

This might be the things that makes your "kennisse" your good friends. You might be surprised at the way your kennisse responds to your bad news - with support you'd never expect.

[Nix]

Stix - no one can know what is right for you except you.....and you will, instinctively.

Although, ther reason you came to Oz in the first place still exists. And having done the "big move thing" once before, I relate to that feeling of missing a "good" conversation with people that understand you.

My 2c : Go back to SA for a visit, but you've made the move.....and the hardest part is over. In a year, you will look back and barely remember this time - which has been made worse by your divorce. You are experiencing 2 of the 5 most stressful life events at the same time - NO WONDER you yearn for what you know.....but this is the wrong reason to leave. Leave only becuase AUS is not right for you.

Remember the old saying: " The darkest hour of the night is just before dawn".......may sure that you are not leaving just before the sun is about to come up....

nix

[zorba]

Well said, Nix.

[funtobeaussiechick]

Stix - no one can know what is right for you except you.....and you will, instinctively.

Although, ther reason you came to Oz in the first place still exists. And having done the "big move thing" once before, I relate to that feeling of missing a "good" conversation with people that understand you.

My 2c : Go back to SA for a visit, but you've made the move.....and the hardest part is over. In a year, you will look back and barely remember this time - which has been made worse by your divorce. You are experiencing 2 of the 5 most stressful life events at the same time - NO WONDER you yearn for what you know.....but this is the wrong reason to leave. Leave only becuase AUS is not right for you.

Remember the old saying: " The darkest hour of the night is just before dawn".......may sure that you are not leaving just before the sun is about to come up....

nix

I say so too. We came to Aus in 2005 stayed for a short time went back to SA. Sa was great for a while but them old problems set in and you remember why you left before. This time we have left and we are already here a year. At 6 months it was hard but now we are past 12 months and I am so so glad we came back. Just get you citizenship and you can then go back to SA. Seems hard but what if you gp back to SA and say I should have....

[Strumfie]

To all forumites!

I need advice. My wife and I moved to Oz 3 months ago and to make a long story short, we are getting a divorce and she is moving back to ZA (and no, the big move was not the reason, although the stress contributed). Luckily we do not have any kids.

Now, I do not know what to do. I can stay here and struggle through this on my own or go back where I have friends and family that will make it easier to get through this period. I have PR so I can always come back in 2-3 years time when I'm ready.

Stix

So sorry to hear this. I have been through one and nearly another due to the move! It is a very tough period and I had a very good friend who literally dragged me through in the end. Friends are very important in this time. We have been here for 6 Months and making friends is not easy. We also have a son at school so we get involved with some of his friends parents but we havent really clicked with any of them. We have made one good friendship with one of our neighbours.

With the world economy as it is, make sure that you can find a job again in RSA and think again of the main reason why you moved here in the first place. If that hasn't changed, then it would not be a good idea to go back.

Good luck with this really tough decision.

Hans

[chalmers family]

Hi Stix,

sorry about the tough time that you are going through.... I cant criticise, but if i were you,

i would stay in Aus - look at it in a positive light- AND BEGIN A NEW FRESH START IN A NEW COUNTRY!!!!

Jackie