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True Ozzie stories


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A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most

embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,

'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place

It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my

parents had gone out for the evening,

so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in

bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I

suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the

phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to

get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family - parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and

embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got

up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.

The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed

out across the store for everyone to hear, "Price check for Tampax supersize."

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming

over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in

with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.

1st Place.

And the winner is . . .

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology

lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.

The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the

taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat".

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