The Aussie Experience

[Guest Mauritz]

Last weekend I joined a few other horsaholics for a 'Natural Horsemanship' clinic here in Stanthorpe. I walked in and was 'attacked' by a rough Aussie girl I know from 'somewhere' else. She's about as wide as she's short, with no teeth at all, only one at 3 o'clock on the lower mandible. "How are ye mate, how ith the goaths?", she asked me.

"They were a bloody nuisance, so I sold them", I told her and ran for the hills. Rude Boer you think, nê.

See, we bought this 'little farm' here in Stanthorpe - I want milk goats - those real Heidi goats. I want dear wife to get up early in the morning and milk the goats - I want fresh goats milk with my krummelpap. I look at my paddock and I can see these peaceful Heidi goats getting fat - pretty like a picture.

I searched everywhere - no Heidi goats - I'll have to import them from Switzerland. One day I checked the notice board in Woolies (Woolworths) - everybody sell everything there. Couldn't believe it - a registered Saanen goat for sale for only $90 - my lucky day. I phone immediately and this flashy lady answered the phone - a sweet th instead of a s - very, very sweet. She picked the Boer accent. "I have many South African friends", she said. The nanny goat's name is Lee and she produces 9L's of milk a day and she's the best milking goat in the world. She gave me directions and there I go. I can picture all these Heidi goats on green pastures and Lee with a bell around her neck.

I missed the entrance a few times - a tinny (Aussie for very, very small) little track. I drove along this windy driveway - pot holes everywhere - they must have a fancy Prado I thought. Suddenly this shack on sticks appeared in front of me - the shearers quarters I thought - then I saw the children. I hit those brakes - dust everywhere - struggle with reverse - the kids all staring at me - 5 of them. You've never seen anything like it in your life. All sorts of dust blond hair reaching for the heavens like old and dry boarding school mops. Dirty, very dirty little faces. See, this is not a problem - the problem is the two little once - they're dragging those nice heavy nappies in the dirt. If there's on thing in life I fear, then it is a full nappy. I sat in my ute - my nose curling upwards toward my forehead and I can feel the bile bubbling in my throat. I have to get out of here - quickly I thought.

How the heck am I going to reverse all the way back - then there's the highway to consider? I just don't care, I thought - I'm getting out of here - I'll import a bleddy Heidi goat. I just found reverse, then - what a sight. This round ball of energy tumbled down the stairs - I can sort of see a head, definitely a mouth without teeth - except one - 3 o'clock - lower mandible. I can see arms waving. What do I do now??????

I got out - that lekka nappy smell in my nostrils - quickly diving for a safe place down wind. I don't see any green pastures nor Heidi goats. Millions of little mongrel dogs and doggie doo doo everywhere - no Heidi goats. She asked on of the kids to go and get Leopold - I'm confused, it must be daddy with this fancy name - I can't wait. The kiddy picked up a piece of rope and ran upstairs, into the shack on sticks. Noooooo, said the lady - Leopold just loves watching Playschool with the kids. One of those daddies I thought. Next moment - you won't believe me - first the kiddie, then this 'Ma se' goat on a rope. I've never seen a goat like that in my life - this thing is 'moerse groot', much bigger than a Springbok. White as snow, with this huge beard and two lells under the chin - looks like a turkey from hell.

See, Lee is short for Leopold and Lee loves watching Playschool. Aaaaaarg no man - I can't take this anymore. This Boer had enough. My mobile rang - it dear wife - 'where am I?' I tell her about the Heidi goat and she wants to know if it is a nice goat. Very, very nice I said - looks much better than the kids.

I decided to go - I don't want this moerse goat that like watching Playschool. This lady can read minds - "Look she said", she dropped on her knees and started milking Lee - milk everywhere. "How much", I ask. She wants $70 - I say $60 - what can I loose??? Deal, I'm the lucky winner of a Heidi goat. "You can have a little boy for just $20", she said. Whatever, I just want to get out of there. I'm picking them up the next day. Nooooo, she said - she'll deliver them for free. Lee always go shopping with them - no problem. I jumped in that bakkie and I left quicker that you can say 'shag me'.

I know I'm in trouble - wifey is going to kill me. Back home I rushed into the house with a pretty Boere face - 'get ready kids, daddy bought you something special.' They're all excited, wife smell a rat. We're all standing outside waiting for the delivery. We can hear her, long before we can see her - a yellow station wagon surrounded by a ball of smoke - sounds like a coal driven tractor. "Here they come", I shouted in a shrill voice.

"Look at those big dogs", my boy shouted. They just opened the windows and there's a goat head out of each window. She stopped and opened the doors. Bok drolletjies (goat droppings) everywhere - looks as if they do a lot of shopping. "Look there's goat poo in the car", my little girl shouted - pointing with her finger. I feel prickles on my back as the daggers hit me all the way from wifey's eyes.

The next moment, this young billy goat gave a few bucks and snorts, then one big leap and he's on the bonnet of the station wagon. One more leap and his on the roof. He dropped down on his knees, then made himself very comfortable. "His favourite place, we'll miss him so much', she said. I know for sure - tomorrow morning with my orange juice - beautiful 'diewors' papers - yes sir, I'm tickets. Wifey looked at her beloved Holden and shouted at the kids to go and get the horses lead ropes.

I told my wife that Leopold loves watching Playschool and that she produces 9L's of milk a day. "You can milk the bloody goat yourself", she said - can you believe that - what about my fresh goats milk and lekka krummelpap????

See, I already made a goat paddock. We put them in and they get out - Lee jumps like a Springbok and Billy climbs like a pussycat. I try everything - nothing helps. No choice, I had to buy a $300 Energizer and all the electric fence stuff that go with the kaboodle - no bleddy milk.

Every day Playschool time - Lee knocks on the glass sliding door - "I want to watch Playschool please?" These bleddy goats ate the whole garden - nothing left.

After 3 months of struggling, I decided - stuff bleddy Heidi - now wonder that Peter was so stupid - those goats caused his brain to rot. Stuff the bleddy goat's cheese and krummelpap. I advertised the goats for $90 - delivered them - I made $10 profit - good hey.

I know a South African wine maker - one day dropped in. What do I see????? Two bleddy Heidi goats. I laughed - "Anita got you as well, hey??" Yes, he said - he bought the goats from her. This is what he told me.

He stopped at a service station and next to him parked this noisy station wagon. He didn't want to look - kids screaming etc. He fueled up and something pulled his sleeve - he looked around - a huge bleddy goat hanging out of the window - he nearly got a heart attack. Naughty dirty little kids giggling at him. See, that was Lee before I bought her - he bought the others.

I looked at his goats and told him when that little Billy's testicles are bigger than his, then the trouble is going to start. Noooo, he said, they're good goats. Later he told me this.

The Billy started growing horns and 'played' with him - he got on his hand and knees and the two of them had a real good time - can you believe that??? Later this thing grew the horns out of hell and it belted the heck out of him. He must run for his car in the morning. One day he heard glass break - the Billy saw his own reflection in the glass door and decided to murder the 'other' goat. Went straight through the winery door. Mark got out with a stick and the goat attacked him. He side stepped and gave the Billy a good one. The Billy farted and snorted, bucked and ran out of the garden - one big leap and there was Billy on Mark's brand new sports car - scratching the living daylights out of his 'little darling.' That was it - the goats went.

Beware of Heidi goats - I think the dominee was right. Sheep were created my Jesus and goats by the Devil.

Edited May 19, 2008 by Mauritz

[chrisk]

Classic! lol

[NicciG]

Ai Mauritz, ek het lanklaas so lekker gelag! Dankie vir die giggel op 'n Maandag!

[Christina]

Mauriz, as usual, your writing is excellent. I really enjoyed this one.

Hope you get "good" Heidi goats in the future.

Looking forward to your next story.

Regards

[Die Bothas]

Ja nee, erg snaaks!

Ek reken as jy kop aan kop moet bots met so 'n bokkie, behoort hy nogal jou ligte aan en af te kan sit!

[Nilo]

O Oh!!! Mauritz nou gaan ek regtig egtig vir Des by jou moet kry!! Hy't gedink om goats cheese te maak op sy stukkie Ozzie!!! Het mos Landline of so iets op TV gesien van die ou wat BAIE geld maak!!

Dankie weer eens vir 'n baie lekker storie.

[Frenchy]

Ag nee ou Mauritz - daar is my bokmelkkaas droom nou in skerwe. Ons wou ook so paar bokke aanskaf.

Lekker gelees. Dankie

[Guest Mauritz]

Ag nee ou Mauritz - daar is my bokmelkkaas droom nou in skerwe. Ons wou ook so paar bokke aanskaf.

Lekker gelees. Dankie

Die bokke is nie 'n probleem nie - net as mens hulle leer om Playschool te kyk. Die Saanen bokke is eintlik baie goed geaard. Die melkery is baie harde werk, as 'n mens nie die tyd het nie. Van hierdie bokke moet twee keer per dag gemelk word.

Ons het kaas gemaak - nie te moeilik nie. As jy dit wil verkoop in Aus - die redtape is 'n nagmêrrie. Om almal gelukkig te hou en om aan die regte kant van die wet te bly - honderde duisende dollars om jou eie bokke te melk en kaas te maak (dit is nou as jy dit aan die publiek wil verkoop). Ek het dit maar 'n mis gegee.

Ek het later die regte ding gedoen en boerbokke gaan koop - wat 'n plesier - baie maklike dierasies. Ons het hulle ook gemelk.

Vir die van julle wat kaas wil maak - ons het goeie boeke hier in Aus gekoop - laat weet dan stuur ek die nodige informasie aan.

[De Kat]

O gaats ek hoop nie Henriette lees hierdie nie! Ek dink hierdie bokke is stouter as haar convicts! Haar se ou kaasdroompie sal ook aan skerwe le.

[Biltongboer]

My ogies traan al weer...