ARE WE TAKING THIS DECISION EMOTIONALLY?

[Debs]

My husband and I have made the HUGE decision to leave SA with our 4 yr old son and our 8 yr old daughter. It is the biggest decision that we have ever had to make and is based on better opportunities for our kids, but more importantly the need to be safe. My husband was hijacked and 2 good friends shot and killed, so crime has already come and introduced itself to us.

My one concern is not that the decision is wrong, but that we are taking it based on feelings. We have decided to keep this decision to ourselves for a while, so this is the place that I can ask this question. Have others felt like this?

Deb

[TheBs]

Firstly, a welcome to the forum.

I think that for most of us the initial decision is emotional based and I can assure you that the emotion does not stop there!!! It is a rollercoaster of ups and downs and "what on earth are we doing". There is a lot that goes into the whole application from skills assessment and english tests, to the visa application and all the WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

Aside from that - quite often another emotional issue - selling up one's home - from those that have walked the walk they often say that getting the visa was the easy part, and the funs starts from there!

We have found many people support our decision and others ask why we are running away. We believe that this will be a better opportunity for OUR family. Most of the opposers are not in position themselves to leave and I think that's why they get anti.

You have gone far in taking the first step, the DECISION, keep strong and get ready for the ride of you life!!

All the best

[Jeanne]

Your friends and your husband were victims are crime, that is a fact, and it is very heartsore and emothional, but your decision has to be a head decision. I am so sorry to hear that you and your friends were victims.

Put your reasons for leaving on paper in one coloumn, your reasons for staying on the other side. This will help you get perspective and help you make your final decision.

Emigration is a really emotional process, so it is Absolutely NORMAL to feel this way. My hubby was also hijacked and tied up and beaten up so I understand exactly.

Hope this helps a bit!

[zoot]

I think we all feel like this at some stages and wonder if we are making the right decision. However as you have said your husband has experienced the crime first hand, you have children who need a safe environment in which to grow up - if you didnt have feelings about such issues and a desire to move away from it you wouldnt be human. If you are worried that you are over reacting to a "feeling" then do a basic factual exercise, take a newspaper and record events, news from South Africa that is troubling to you e.g. murders, then ask yourself are you just acting on a feeling or are you using logic and facts to make an informed choice before that choice is made for you. Dont sell yourself short it is obvious that you and your husband have been doing a lot of thinking about it. Sometimes feelings are all we have to go on and those can be the best decisions for us.

Good luck

[Geduldige van der merwes!]

Debs, With two young children i can relate. It took us two years to get over the emotional side, still not sure if we are. So many ideas we wanted to put into our house. We dreamt of how our boys was going to grow up and live in our new renovated attic, ect...... I think my point is that we somehow grieve "The what was still to come"

What keeps me going is this: God gave me the responsibility to raise and keep my family save, thats exactly what i am busy doing. Me loving my country, is NOT as important.

Write down your reasons for leaving and put it up where you brush your teeth. This will help you thinking with your head, when your heart wants to take over.

good luck

[didl]

My husband and I have made the HUGE decision to leave SA with our 4 yr old son and our 8 yr old daughter. It is the biggest decision that we have ever had to make and is based on better opportunities for our kids, but more importantly the need to be safe. My husband was hijacked and 2 good friends shot and killed, so crime has already come and introduced itself to us.

My one concern is not that the decision is wrong, but that we are taking it based on feelings. We have decided to keep this decision to ourselves for a while, so this is the place that I can ask this question. Have others felt like this?

Deb

Hello Deb,

welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of all the bad experiences with your friends and your family.

Wrt to decision, it is surely emotional as well, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It pushed you out of the comfort zone and you were able to start thinking about the change.

I think in general many people ask themselves if they are making the right or wrong decision, but there are no guarantees either way. You were making a decision to stay every single day till now ( you just didn't think too much about it), and now you guys decided to go to Australia, or perhaps just to leave SA. However, nobody can look into the future and say it will be great over there and it is the best decision, but what you can do ( as many of us already did): check your pros and cons, weigh them etc.. and make a decision based on it. Whether the outcome of your decision will be good is something else and even if you made a great decision it might be a poor outcome. However making a good decision will lead to a higher probability of a good outcome.

From our side, as well as for many people, we belive that this is a good decision and in long run with all the ups and downs, it will have a good outcome for us and our family. And yes, taking emotions is just as important to make the good decision, as what would be the point to exclude such an important part of you. Hope it makes sense.

Cheers,

didl

[Conrad]

Hi Deb`s

Welcome to Forum.Reality is reality and facts are facts.There is most definitely an emotional aspect to the whole decision of relocating to another Country but who are we doing it for in the long run?Yes you got it!Our beautiful children who we want see grow up with us and not run away once they have finished school ore University.

This whole process must be done methodically and not to be rushed.There are times of ups and times of total downs but the reality of our safety is always there and I feel were doing the right thing for our children.

One last thing,when in doubt watch SABC news.

Chow Conrad

[Debs]

Thank you so much for the replies thus far. I have done some of the activities that you note and currently take all crime very personally, but I am glad that I do, because this is what makes me a human being.

So now that the decision is made, along with some very caring words from some strangers, we start the process.

We are planning a trip to Oz in the June school holidays, but will start the paperwork ASAP, and hopefully will feel more comfortable on our return. I know that the decision is for the best, and am rather excited about it. I am sure that I am going to do lots of posting with tons of questions.

Once again thank you and take care.

Debs

[Fern]

Hi Debs,

Now thats a positive thing to do - go visit - where are you going?

You have made the right decision now look for things to run to. Especially oppertunities for the kids.

It is emotional for me too - I have to put my home on the market soon and it is just so sad to part with it. But I'll get a better life and a better place to grow old in.

At this point I don't even know how I am getting in but I WILL find a way

all the best.

Fern

[TereMel]

Hi Debs,

I would like to support you in your time of confusion / doubt / double checking / whatever it may be, and I think that I have gone through those loops in my mind.

I think that the way we pose a question plays a big role in how we are able (or unable) to answer it. Calling the move to Aus either "emotional" or a "clear cut decision", gives you only one of two options. I think that people are a little more complicated than that.

I see people as cognitive, emotional, and behavioural in their very nature, and across everything that they do.

We think, feel, and do something about all sorts of things in our life.

Now, it is scary to go through the experience of violent crime, and we feel emotionally negative about it, and think about the unpleasant feelings and are generally motivated to avoid this in the future. Then we may decide to do something about it, but I bet that you may think about it some more (maybe doubt - as there are no certainties) and feel something as well (positive and negative, hope and worry) and have to do things (collect docs, IELTS tests) and feel and think even more things about all of these as you are going along. The three things occur on an ongoing basis.

In sum, this whole exercise is a process, with many different points at which you could stop and say, "I am desperate" or "I am scared" or "I am confidant" about a whole lot of things. There will probably be times at which I might stop for a moment and think each one of these things. But the overall plan I have (and that is rational thinking, regardless of what I feel today or tomorrow) is that I am going over to Aus. And the plan takes time, and sometimes time helps.

I agree with Nilo that we migrate with our heads.

Unfortunately, the poor old hearts have a bit of a hard time adjusting to some ideas and stages in the process! Have faith, and stick to your very good decision.

Cheers,

Teremel

[Debs]

Above all else that has happened to us, I do know that we are not destined to remain in SA. My husband and I discussed the subject last night again, and his answer to me was "do I want to go?, NO, but do I have to go? YES".

I have found so many like-minded people on this forum, that it allows you the time to sift through everything and realise that we all just want the same things and there are such great people responding to me that I know that our move is the right one.

It will be a long road, but a good one.

so thank you and take care.

[Sharon]

Hi Debs

We have been hijacked twice and robbed too many times. Quite frankly, what is it going to take for us to leave.... one of us being killed? I can't take that chance anymore which is why we've decided to finally get on with the application. If there's a next time, my husband, who is very angry, will fight back and be killed for his troubles. Then what?

So in answer to your question, I think the decision is emotional for so many of us. We don't have a choice anymore.

Sheila

[Debs]

I am in agreement with you Sheila, once is already once too many and the next time may not have an outcome other than death. So, good luck with your application, we have started collating the info, and the people on this forum are extremely helpful.

Debs

[Rissiepit]

Hi Debs,

I believe you're on the right track if you base your decisions not on what you would be able to live with, but rather on what you would not be able to live with.

Good luck and keep the faith

R

[Guest natalie3]

I absolutely believe it is an emotional decision..they say the 3 greatest stressful events in a person's life is 1)death of a loved-one...2)Divorce..and....3) Moving house!

Now it only makes sense that moving "house" to a different country makes this event even MORE stressful...it is a huge step and of course..a risk..weigh up the risk of moving with the safety risk of staying and that will already help u..

Luckily it is my heart telling me to go..my head keeps saying "stay..u live well here...nice big house..nice cars..etc"...

Im usually a very rational person..but just this one time im following my heart..and packing my material goods so i can enjoy the things money cant buy...in oz!

Edited April 9, 2008 by natalie3

[Happy2Bhere]

Hi everybody,

I am new to this website but I can not believe how many people are in the same position as we are. My husband just got back from Melbourne with a job offer from a big engineering company that is willing to pay for our 457 visa applicaitons, one way plain tickets, 1 month rent when we get there untill out household stuff arrive and also half of our move. He got a job as the branch manager of the Melbourne branch.

But..... we are still in 2 minds about the whole thing.... how do we leave everybody we love behind?? One day I am positive and one day I am so affraid that i can not thingk straight.

Help!!!!!

Trudie

[Guest natalie3]

Dont be scared Trudie!..see it as a huge adventure!!!!

[Debs]

Hi Trudie

What a great opportunity for both of you, but yes it is difficult. We do live a good life, and our family and friends are here, and both my husband and I are very social people, so these things matter a LOT to us. I would think that your reasons are similar to everyone, high levels of violent crime and opportunities, but as long as I have my husband and children, who are my family, then we will be okay.

Life is about living, and too many people are not getting the chance to do so in this country. Our friend was shot in his home and his partner said that they would have given every cent they had and the deed to the house to have them not shoot him, but yes people are mourning the loss of a genuinely nice person. The level of humanity has dropped in SA and it makes me very sad, because this country has it all and they have the people we love the most, our family. Our parents are old and so we worry about that too, but they are urging us to take their grandchildren to a safer place and to give them the benefit of opportunities. I do not want my children to study and then leave, so I will leave with them now, so that I can have them.

I bought the book "Secret Mothers Business", written by a SAfrican who moved to Sydney years ago. It is fiction and great, but whole pages are dedicated to why she left this country and how she still feels after many years in Australia and how she feels about her new home. I felt as if she had written those pages for me to say it is okay, many have felt the way you do and many will feel the way you do.

Take time to enjoy SA while you are here, take photos so that the memories and history are taken with you. It is a flight home and flight across for your family, and there will be days when it is too daunting to even consider, but see it is an adventure, a new beginning and an opportunity for your husband to put into practice his skills that he has acquired.

Good Luck and enjoy the ride

Debs