Today is where my book begins...the rest is still unwritten

[Anusha]

Strongs to you @March2. He will come around, emotions especially young love is not easy. We were there once

[March2]

9 minutes ago, Tntaglia said:

Wow, that's hard. I imagine he must be feeling really torn. I assume he's known all along about the plans, this is not new to him, it's just that it's real now, right? How old is he?

You are doing the right thing for your family and hopefully he'll understand that and things can still work out for them.

He has known all along and we talked at length but he's not one to express his feelings so openly so he won't just come out and talk about it unless probed.  He's 22 and still my puppy, so there's no choice here but to come across with us.  As I mentioned, the reason we all do this big stressful move is for our kids, right?  And I agree, maybe he won't really understand all this but someday he'll be grateful he did the move.

[March2]

11 minutes ago, Anusha said:

Strongs to you @March2. He will come around, emotions especially young love is not easy. We were there once

Thanks @Anusha yep, remember the days all too well....and we thought we knew it all...luckily for our parents being tough...look where we are now?  Hopefully he'll understand our tough love too.

[vitchie]

I'm just curious, how does the visa application work with a 22 year old son, can you include adult children on the application?

[Mara]

@vitchie

Usually only if they are dependent on you, ie. studying.

[vitchie]

2 hours ago, Mara said:

@vitchie

Usually only if they are dependent on you, ie. studying.

Ah ok. thanks @Mara

[Husky]

Feel free to pm me about older kids and our experience. They are loving Aus and even though they miss SA, don't want to go back. 

[Duggen]

I am in Tasmania, just recently moved from Melbourne to Hobart. It has been fantastic so far. Let me know if you have any questions.

[March2]

Hi @Duggen, have been recently reading that housing is a huge problem in Hobart and surrounds at the moment.  Did you experience this?  Are you in a rental?  How difficult was it to secure a place?  BTW, do you have any kids and how old are they?

[Duggen]

Hi March2,

 

I haven't found housing to be a problem at all, apparently there is a shortage of rental units but I have found that I was offered every unit I applied for. There are plenty of units available for rent but the prices were a bit higher than expected. I do not have kids so can't really help on that front at all other than to say a number of people I work with moved back to Hobart from the mainland because "it is a great place to raise kids".

 

The only real issue with Hobart is finding a job. I specifically wanted to move here to be able to apply for the 190 (long story but I am on a 457) and looking at SEEK there were not that many roles. That being said I was working in Investment Banking and Hobart is not know as a global mecca of the banking industry. I would suggest looking into potential jobs sooner rather than later.

[March2]

AND SO IT CONTINUES...

Been a while since my last entry, well not actually but it feels that way when you are buckled and waiting for the "Golden Ticket" to come.

We were on holiday with my sister and her family, trying to accept that this might be the last one this year.  It was really difficult to enjoy it and be in the moment when you have this huge weight of waiting for the visa grant on your shoulders.  I remember looking at Immitracker every morning to see the progress of visa grants with other applicants, and constantly looking at my phone for emails or calls that I may have missed from my agent, and then the day I decide NOT to do it and just enjoy the last night with my sister, was the day I GOT THE VISA GRANT. (30 April) 

I had forgotten to turn on my phone from "silent mode" and carried on enjoying the day with the family.  We were making the most of our last day of the weekend getaway.  That evening, I looked at my phone just before dinner and noticed a missed call from my agent and then a voice mail asking me to log onto my email.   And there it was....VISA GRANTED!!!!

The moment was so surreal, I just couldn't believe it, and although I was so ecstatic and didn't really jump up and down like I thought i would.  I think all the joy and excitement had since been celebrated when I got my positive skills assessment and then more so when I got the ITA, so the actual visa grant celebration was a bit flat.

The look on my older son's face also added to my not wanting to scream and shout "Yippee...yay!"  He just looked, well in simple terms, not happy!

And so as I journal today, 2 weeks later after visa grant, there is so much tension and stress going on inside of me.  Not the kind that I am supposed to have when we need to start making decisions about removal companies or visa activation trips etc etc.   No, it's the stress now that my son is not happy about this move....reality has hit and he has told Dad that he doesn't think he wants to come anymore...

Not so much talking to me nicely anymore because at this point, it would seem that it's all my fault that he has to immigrate...I am now at my ends wit with this.  I CANNOT LEAVE HIM BEHIND....NOT AN OPTION...call me an old fashioned mum, you'd be talking to the hand.  The main and perhaps THE reason for hubby and I uprooting our very settled lives, is for our boys.

Dear Lord, please HELP 

[TracyK]

I am far from the position you are but know that it cant be easy.........It must be such a bittersweet to be in the position you are right now.  

Kids adjust, it may take some time and it may only be once you are settled on the other side, but they do adjust eventually.  For them its

all about the 'now' where for us we have to, as parents, look ahead and do whats best for their futures.  

 

All I can say is have faith and don't doubt yourself or your decision (we think it through before starting the process)!

[March2]

3 minutes ago, TracyK said:

I am far from the position you are but know that it cant be easy.........It must be such a bittersweet to be in the position you are right now.  

Kids adjust, it may take some time and it may only be once you are settled on the other side, but they do adjust eventually.  For them its

all about the 'now' where for us we have to, as parents, look ahead and do whats best for their futures.  

 

All I can say is have faith and don't doubt yourself or your decision (we think it through before starting the process)!

 

Thanks @TracyK....teens are not easy to deal with...wish I had a crystal ball to show him his future...and how wonderful and "safe" it would be for him and his future family

[Husky]

This is such an emotional roller coaster. Important for you and your hubby to be on the same side and support one another. Every story is different and he is the only one who can truly understand how you feel. Hugs x

[SandraDee]

Hi March2

 

I haven't read the whole thread so don't know how old your son is but I just wanted to share my experience moving with 2 teenagers. My son was 16 (2 months away from 17) and my daughter 15 when we decided to leave. My son was just finishing grade 10 and excited to become a senior in the school where he had spent his whole school career. We had HUGE dramas - he refused to come - cried, begged, wanted to stay with his grandmother etc. We sat him own and explained how we were doing this for them but also for ourselves but that our family was the most important thing and we weren't going to mess up his happiness. We asked for a year - just come for 1 year and see how you like it- see what it can offer you - and if you still want to come back to South Africa we will make sure that happens.

 

We arrived 17 Dec- a big mistake as it was 6 weeks until school started - and those were a very long 6 weeks. We didn't have much of a choice though as our visa expired 19 Dec.  Once school started things got a lot easier and once we were settled in a rental even easier. Within 3 months they had great friends and 6 months on were thanking us for moving them. We all went back to South Africa a year later for our first holiday and the children slipped straight back into their old school circle and had a ball. I was a bit worried that they would be unsettled coming back to Australia but they weren't, in fact it showed them how much they have gained. Their freedom is so important to them at that age and they have it in bucket loads here!  We have been back again to South Africa on our 2 year anniversary and my children feel sorry for their friends in South Africa!  

 

My son has just started Uni here, is so happy and constantly thanks us for taking the plunge. 

 

Dont worry about the children - they are the least of your worries - if anything it is always the men/husbands that seem to struggle the most in my opinion !

 

[ocean]

Thank you so much for this. Our kids will be the exact same ages when we come over! 

[ocean]

17 hours ago, March2 said:

AND SO IT CONTINUES...

Been a while since my last entry, well not actually but it feels that way when you are buckled and waiting for the "Golden Ticket" to come.

We were on holiday with my sister and her family, trying to accept that this might be the last one this year.  It was really difficult to enjoy it and be in the moment when you have this huge weight of waiting for the visa grant on your shoulders.  I remember looking at Immitracker every morning to see the progress of visa grants with other applicants, and constantly looking at my phone for emails or calls that I may have missed from my agent, and then the day I decide NOT to do it and just enjoy the last night with my sister, was the day I GOT THE VISA GRANT. (30 April) 

I had forgotten to turn on my phone from "silent mode" and carried on enjoying the day with the family.  We were making the most of our last day of the weekend getaway.  That evening, I looked at my phone just before dinner and noticed a missed call from my agent and then a voice mail asking me to log onto my email.   And there it was....VISA GRANTED!!!!

The moment was so surreal, I just couldn't believe it, and although I was so ecstatic and didn't really jump up and down like I thought i would.  I think all the joy and excitement had since been celebrated when I got my positive skills assessment and then more so when I got the ITA, so the actual visa grant celebration was a bit flat.

The look on my older son's face also added to my not wanting to scream and shout "Yippee...yay!"  He just looked, well in simple terms, not happy!

And so as I journal today, 2 weeks later after visa grant, there is so much tension and stress going on inside of me.  Not the kind that I am supposed to have when we need to start making decisions about removal companies or visa activation trips etc etc.   No, it's the stress now that my son is not happy about this move....reality has hit and he has told Dad that he doesn't think he wants to come anymore...

Not so much talking to me nicely anymore because at this point, it would seem that it's all my fault that he has to immigrate...I am now at my ends wit with this.  I CANNOT LEAVE HIM BEHIND....NOT AN OPTION...call me an old fashioned mum, you'd be talking to the hand.  The main and perhaps THE reason for hubby and I uprooting our very settled lives, is for our boys.

Dear Lord, please HELP 

Maybe the activation trip will help. We took our teens to Perth to activate. I do not like Perth at all, our friends who we stayed with live in a modest home in an ugly area. (we live in our dream home in a gorgeous area in Jozi) I did not try to sell my teens on any part of Perth. Guess What! They both said they LOVED OZ. I was like what??.. why?? The Freedom!! They said. 

[March2]

12 hours ago, SandraDee said:

Hi March2

 

I haven't read the whole thread so don't know how old your son is but I just wanted to share my experience moving with 2 teenagers. My son was 16 (2 months away from 17) and my daughter 15 when we decided to leave. My son was just finishing grade 10 and excited to become a senior in the school where he had spent his whole school career. We had HUGE dramas - he refused to come - cried, begged, wanted to stay with his grandmother etc. We sat him own and explained how we were doing this for them but also for ourselves but that our family was the most important thing and we weren't going to mess up his happiness. We asked for a year - just come for 1 year and see how you like it- see what it can offer you - and if you still want to come back to South Africa we will make sure that happens.

 

We arrived 17 Dec- a big mistake as it was 6 weeks until school started - and those were a very long 6 weeks. We didn't have much of a choice though as our visa expired 19 Dec.  Once school started things got a lot easier and once we were settled in a rental even easier. Within 3 months they had great friends and 6 months on were thanking us for moving them. We all went back to South Africa a year later for our first holiday and the children slipped straight back into their old school circle and had a ball. I was a bit worried that they would be unsettled coming back to Australia but they weren't, in fact it showed them how much they have gained. Their freedom is so important to them at that age and they have it in bucket loads here!  We have been back again to South Africa on our 2 year anniversary and my children feel sorry for their friends in South Africa!  

 

My son has just started Uni here, is so happy and constantly thanks us for taking the plunge. 

 

Dont worry about the children - they are the least of your worries - if anything it is always the men/husbands that seem to struggle the most in my opinion !

 

 Hi @SandraDee my son is 22 and still very dependent on us as he is still studying.  After reading your story, I just wish I had done this earlier when they were little.  I think I am just going to be hard and put my foot down. He can't hate me forever, right.

[ottg]

This must be very sad for you but sorry to say while reading through the posts, I’m getting the feeling that you are going to have a problem. Not sure, but my take is that he is a grown man long past his adolescence, although a student, with his own mind, feelings, love and emotions. Unfortunately very heartbreaking but he has choices and options and you have to accept that.

 

On 2/15/2018 at 7:34 PM, March2 said:

He's 22 and still my puppy

 

On 2/15/2018 at 7:34 PM, March2 said:

there's no choice here but to come across with us

 

The only hold you have on him is that he is financially dependent and potentially in a tight grip. Perhaps too tight as its close to "financial blackmail"!

Also he may be very close to completing his studies where he made his friends and his alma-maters. Perhaps something he wants to keep and nurish for the rest of his life. His future network!!
 

9 hours ago, March2 said:

my son is 22 and still very dependent

 

After considering the above perhaps you should tackle it from a negotiation viewpoint. Ask his permission to consider coming across for say 3-5 years and then give him the option to make a final decision. It must be his choice. Remember he can always immigrate later on his own steam.

While very reluctant to post this because I have not idea how it must feel for you - but the truth and facts stand out. Hope you will find the wisdom in your decisions.

[March2]

3 hours ago, ottg said:

 

After considering the above perhaps you should tackle it from a negotiation viewpoint. Ask his permission to consider coming across for say 3-5 years and then give him the option to make a final decision. It must be his choice. Remember he can always immigrate later on his own steam.

 

@ottg thanks for your response. All that you mention has been taken into account and whilst my son is so in love at the moment and cannot see the positive of this move for his future, he is also not independent to to be left behind in someone else’s care. We have lots of family and he has my parents but I cannot impose that onto them.  Especially when he has to leave the house at night, my mom will never sleep till he’s back... not a responsibility I would want my parents to take on at their age.  This is just one reason , there’s many more.

Before starting this process, we had a family meeting to discuss this with both boys and although reluctant at first, he agreed.  We also told him then that all he needed was to come across and be there for at least 4 years and get his citizenship, after which he can decide what he wants to do and move on.   I just need him to at least do that.

[ottg]

@March2 There is no doubt in my mind that you as a family didn't consider it. It's a tough call. But you said, "I just need him to do at least do that..." That is the point, you need to let go as he needs to make the decision in his own mind. One major advantage is that there will be no blame later. I remembered similar cases were discussed on the forum.

Perhaps reach out to those (on the forum) who have had a similar experience some years ago and how did it end for them. What lessons learned can they share!

http://www.saaustralia.org/topic/24226-friends-for-my-soon-to-be-20-year-old-daughter/

 

[TakeItOnTheChin]

March2,

 

Wish I could tell you my family's life story but that is just too long. We lived in the Middle East for about 14 years in 5 different countries in that region, with occasional trips back to SA. This was all due to work opportunities. My daughter who is now 9 was born in the UAE and my son, who is now 16 and Grade 11, spent most of his school life out there. My son lived in 6 countries and my daughter lived in 4 countries before we decided to immigrate and settle in Oz. Moving to Oz was then quite a breeze compared to most, because we had been living in countries where cultures were so different. Oz was always on our radar, so once we got the visas, we just upped and left to Oz, never looked back, kids love it, wife loves it, and I am as busy as hell at work, all normal stuff. In the earlier years when leaving SA for the first time it was not easy, but we managed. Everyone on this forum is different and so are our circumstances, so it is always difficult to understand what others are going through, but one thing is for certain, we have all decided to come to Oz for a better future for our kids. You will all have to tough it out, your son's emotional issues will not last forever, and soon enough he will understand that this move was not all madness. Any difficulty you all may have during this move is a small price to pay, and one day you will consider it insignificant.

 

Some advice, although it is difficult, try to stay away from the emotional stuff and get yourself setup for the business side of the move, such as lists, actions, etc. Preparing will get your mind off emotional stuff and into a zone. Get your boys to start looking up info on the internet, about places of interest, sport, events, beaches, activities, etc, in the area you plan to live, that may get their minds adjusted. You may be more than 6 months away from arriving, but when you do, make sure to immerse yourself into the life here as quickly as possible, get to know about the people, their culture, your local community, politics, sport, all the things that will become your 'normal' soon enough. That will help in not missing SA. The useless and incompetent government back in SA will constantly remind you why you are leaving or why you have left.

 

Go girl!

[March2]

@TakeItOnTheChin thanks for your response. It is very difficult to get going with the planning of the move at the moment, but I know we will have to get started soon. Before we know it, it will be December.

I had a talk with my son again yesterday and I laid down the cards. I told him that he just needs to come across for a few years and get his citizenship and then he can decide what he wants to do thereafter.  I hope that he sees the positive of this and decides accordingly.  After chatting with him, he says that said girlfriend has told him that if he leaves, it’s all over.  He cannot even see the emotional blackmail in that!

 Thanks so much for your encouragement and suggestions. Hopefully my next post will be that he’s 100% on board. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[RYLC]

2 hours ago, March2 said:

After chatting with him, he says that said girlfriend has told him that if he leaves, it’s all over.

 

To quote @RedPanda, she's not a tree.  She can visit. 

 

I really feel for you with your son.  Can I suggest that you keep the time periods short. So just come for a year...to earn some money etc. Keep the window of going back open (okay just slightly ajar) and just take it a year at a time until he gets citizenship. Imagining a few years is too long for a 22 year old whereas a year is just one grade at school so it's a timeframe he can get his head around. 

 

Perhaps even offer to contribute to a ticket for the girlfriend to visit in time to give some hope to the situation and to take away the finality of "never going to see each other again". That way you look like you have empathy for his feelings and are working with him on this rather than in opposition.  Would it be an idea to investigate ways that she could come and study here for instance? Not that it's your place to fund or organise this but just to demonstrate to your son that you are willing to be "accommodating". Like all young love, the more a parent resists it the more it pushes the couple together. After a year in Oz he will see things differently and that's the goal but sounds like it needs small steps at this delicate stage. Bottom line for me in explaining it to him is that his ticket has an expiry date whereas love should not/does not and flights go in both directions.  

 

 

 

2 hours ago, March2 said:

Hopefully my next post will be that he’s 100% on board.

 

Can I suggest that you do not make this your goal.He knows in his heart of hearts that he's dependent on you still so maybe just give him space to vent and lament how unfair it is, etc. He needs to feel heard at this point. He doesn't need to agree with you to be able to get on that plane. He just needs to get on that plane.  That's the goal. Constantly talking to him about it being best is not going to eventually get an "okay mom, I see your point and I fully agree now". He's going to grumble and moan for the foreseeable future.  Try not to give the scenario of him not going any more air cos honestly you all know that he doesn't really have a plan b.  Just keep the conversations light and more about what we're going to do in our first 100 days in Oz. 

 

Any chance there is a music concert he'd love that's scheduled for your first month here? I'd be collecting as many ozzie "carrots" as possible. All the best with this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 14, 2018 by RYLC

[March2]

2 hours ago, RYLC said:

 

Would it be an idea to investigate ways that she could come and study here for instance? 

We actually had a meeting with her parents to let them know that if she would want to come over at anytime, that door is always open and that we will gladly assist to  make this possible, BUT she, at that meeting, was point blank, "NO WAYS, I don't like Australia!".  And to add to my agitation, she has never been to Oz and has no reason for why she feels that way....so I don't know with her wanting to come over.  To me it seems that she does not want to ever leave her family (from her gestures and talk) and expects my son to do it anyway...I think that's selfish (but then again, it's the mum in me that is trying to reason here!)

 

 

 

 

 

Can I suggest that you do not make this your goal.He knows in his heart of hearts that he's dependent on you still so maybe just give him space to vent and lament how unfair it is, etc. He needs to feel heard at this point. He doesn't need to agree with you to be able to get on that plane. He just needs to get on that plane.  That's the goal. Constantly talking to him about it being best is not going to eventually get an "okay mom, I see your point and I fully agree now". He's going to grumble and moan for the foreseeable future.  Try not to give the scenario of him not going any more air cos honestly you all know that he doesn't really have a plan b.  Just keep the conversations light and more about what we're going to do in our first 100 days in Oz. 

We are hardly ever talking about the move as we found he gets annoyed with us, me especially as he thinks it's my fault that we are leaving since I became the main applicant (age, skills, etc).  Hence, everything is at a standstill.  I pleaded with him yesterday to just come and give it a shot.  I hope he has "heard" my plea and not just in his mind say, "whatever".  I think I will follow your advice and tell him it's for a year and see....hopefully he gets "bitten" by the Oz bug and stays like all others who didn't want to go, have and are so glad they listened to their parents.  Have even said to him that we will try to send him once every year for a visit...the hole in the pocket grows!  So right now, I am praying hard and asking God to pull out all His stops on this one!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

@RYLC

Edited May 14, 2018 by March2
include @RYLC