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I want to migrate but he doesn't


LizeP
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Hi everyone

So after my mother was held at gunpoint last year I decided I didn't want to raise my family in Sa and I wanted to migrate to Oz. Seems simple enough, only my husband isn't quite so convinced... In fact, we have been arguing about it and it feels like its driving a wedge between us now. He just refuses to entertain the idea,and he doesn't even want to talk about it any more. Did anyone else struggle with this?

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Yes, I do - it was a subject that I eventually just gave up discussing because while we are very happy together, that was the one thing guaranteed to end in an argument, if not a fight.

For 1, (no offense guys), I don't think guys understand what it is to be a woman living in the rape capital of the world, watching her children grow up more or less behind doors, reading all these horrible, HORRIBLE headlines that leave me traumatised for days...

I eventually got my hubby to agree to going for a "holiday" (Look-see-decide trip), as he refused point-blank to consider moving somewhere he'd never been before. So off I went on a mad freelancing scramble, saved up enough, paid tickets and passports and together we worked on spending money, and off we went.

It was wonderful - it served as confirmation of everything I'd already thought, and just made me feel more firmly.

However, it did not work a miracle or some magic on my hubby. He hasn't turned it down outright, but we've been back for quite some time now, and he is still "thinking about it."

Everyone is different, and if he avoids news like my hubby does, then he probably finds it easy to ignore all the ugliness. If you live in an estate with ADT; have medical aid, etc, it's easy to live comfortably in that bubble, and to avoid anything trying to pop it.

Different things seem to work for different folk. I'm not sure whether we will go or not, and to be honest I am feeling very low about all of it. But I've just decided that I need to give my man some space and time and let him hash it out on his own. I can't force him into this.

I did once mention to him that in refusing to even consider moving at all, he was forcing me to stay. I do think that might have been key in getting him to agree to at least going to look.

The rest? I pray, every day, and I live between hope and despair. And between all that, I just kind of carry on with daily life. What can you do?

Sorry... Not sure that this helps apart from showing that no, you're not alone, you're not the only one.

Hang in there - I really hope you find that *something* that helps him see that it would be wonderful, not awful :)

Good luck!

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It is hard enough to emigrate when it is something you both want, so I can only hope that somehow your other halves come round...................and that it is not because something bad happens....................the thing is, if they feel forced, they won't be able to deal with the inevitable highs and lows, so I can only suggest that you do the things you can do and hope that they come around in time ..................big hugs.

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Hey LizeP

My hubby and I had been discussing immigration for a few years. Last year he was attacked and that put the wheels in motion.

Eventhough we are almost at the "visa granted" stage (YAY!!)... it is still an argument waiting to happen in our house.

When things are going 'smoothly' in good old RSA we get lulled into a false sense of security, its very easy to forget our reasons for going.

That being said, I (as most of the women are) am the driving force of this immigration process, and although he is committed to it. There is always doubts, worry and fear of the unknown.

May be approach it as a back up plan... yes, it might be an expensive one, but its always good to have options.

Hope this helps too

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Yes. After I resigned again within months of visa expiry. He was 56 and tired of work pressure but the highs and lows you can never anticipate and the strength of your marriage and faith.

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I have to agree with Andrea, it's hard enough when both of you want it, to go through this process. If both parties are not 100% committed to immigrating to Australia and one feels forced into going then there are going to be very tough times ahead.

Unfortunately (like in TammyP's case) it often takes something drastic to change some people's minds. What would you rather live with? Piece of mind that your family is safer in Australia or the stress of constantly living in fear of what tomorrow might bring.

The strangest feeling for me the day we received the news that our visas had been granted wasn't excitement or happiness but pure relief. Knowing that there was a safer, brighter future for my child. When we finally boarded that plane it felt like a million tonnes had been lifted from my shoulders and I knew that no matter what happened in the future, regardless of how uncertain it was, that things were just going to be okay.

All I can say is give them space and time to mull over the idea and don't try and convince them you are right, they need to make that decision on their own and hope and pray that nothing happens in the meantime that forces them to change their minds.

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Tazer him.

Us males are thick skinned morons and need a push.... OK so I was lucky and my wife did not actually need to taser me... :jester:

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Ah, I do know how you feel.... In 2010 I started the process by going to one of the immigration talks at one of our local hotels, and at that time I was trying to push going and I thought I had no choice but to use and agent.... I did as much as I could but when the agent wanted R35000 ( I think) I was forces to abandon the plan..... Then surprisingly 3 years later my husband went on a work trip and driving up very North he was so shocked at the state of the infrastructure he suggested (out of the blue) we look at it again. With the help of the kind folk on this forum and researching things myself we managed to get our visa without the assistance of an agent.... I did hold my breath a few times though. Less than 9 months on we got our 189 visa.

So all I can suggest is watch Carte Blanche to ruffle his feathers... And in the mean time gather all the relevant documents from home affairs as this is what took bulk of the waiting time. And just wait I guess....

Pray and wait.... All in Gods time, not ours!

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I agree with McCabes - our LSD was such an eye opener. Australia was not at all like what I had expected and I fell in love. If nothing else, it gives you a frame of reference when discussing options - at least you are discussing a known something instead of a guess

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Hi Lize

I can speak from the other side of having gone and come back only to realise, we should have toughed it out longer. When you are over there all you know will change and you will be forced to adapt and re-calibrate on a daily basis, and you depend on one another for strength and guidance through it all. If one of you goes under duress , in all likelhodd , you will come unstuck at the first sign of bumps which are definitely going to happen. I am in the position where I cant mention Oz anymore for fear my SO might have a fit and off me in the process. It is not pretty. I guess to really move forward you have to find out why he feels that way and if there is anything you can do to change it. Also let him know you are serious and arent changing your mind any time soon. It will be in interesting times for you both but if you can maintain open communications then you should find out what the issues are. If they are real don't ignore them, over there they will be in the spotlight and will get found out. IMO you gotta get him excited about the move - there are good things too you know !!

Good luck !

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Thanks so much for everyone's input. It's good to know I'm not alone in this. I guess I sprung the idea on him a little fast and it's scaring him. He did mention yesterday that he'll think about it. We won't be able to go right now anyway, but I'm not going to stop talking about it! I'm also planning an LSD and hopefully that will also help :)

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Hi Lize

Your dilemna strikes a chord with me - Several years ago, my better half started making "noises" about us looking into obtaining Visas in order to "keep our options open". I was dead-set against the idea, but was in the fortunate position of being able afford the process, so I told her "I will sign where I need to, take the tests etc, and pay the fees, but other than that I am not interested in the idea at all". I also asked her at the time "You do realize that if you start this journey, a point will come where you will have to make a very difficult decision"

So she applied, and instead of waiting for years, our PR visas were granted in nine months.

And so the clock started ticking. And, truth be told, once I knew we had the visas, and saw the potential of the opportunity we had, I started to warm to the idea of the move.

Needless to say, as I warmed to the idea, my wife began to cool off :glare:

So, as crunch time approached, and the five year mark loomed closer, so did the difficult decision. We sat for weeks as a family and evaluated the pros and cons, and, after much discussion, we decided it was a go. My wife is still not fully on board, but as we start the process, and things become more real (we sold our house this past weekend), she is coming round. As had been said many times before on this forum, everyone needs to be on board - so this is the one area that scares me a little, but we've taken the decision together, and I am confident we'll weather the storm.

So - If you are able, why not start the process - You're not ready to go right now, but the process will take time, and you might well find that once the visas become a reality, your husband comes around to your way of thinking?

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi Lize,

just to add my two cents worth to this thread, thought I would give you the other sides perspective. It was actually my husband who has been the driving force of getting our Visa. I think initially I was really against the idea, id already moved from the UK to SA and was quite happy here, albeit for the crime I could see myself starting a family and settling down. My husband on the other hand is a lawyer and unfortunately sees the ugliness of South Africa each day, and in the 10 years that I have been here I have seen it too. Even when we got our visa I wasnt that excited, I was just really doing it to save the arguments, and to be honest I knew deep down that he was right to want to go, it was just the fear of the unknown, its all the what ifs?

So what changed my mind?, as other members have mentioned it was a trip to Perh in 2011 when we activated our Visa. Youd think that being from the UK I would know what it was like to be free, to walk around the feeling of safety, not having to get in your car everywhere just drives me crazy in SA. It was a reminder of what I had left behind and this bubble that I had created for myself. I loved it in Perth, we saw friends and enjoyed the outdoors and the simple things like walking around was really wonderful. By this time in our journey we had also had our son, and this for me was THE Biggest motivating factor to finally get on board with my husband. We are doing this for our son and he will thank us one day. Ofcourse I still worry about things, and from February next year my husband will start applying for work, im hoping that he can secure work whilst we are here, but if he cant then we will have to just dive in at the deep end and that does terrify me.

I would suggest that you try not to bully him into moving, I know I hated it when my husband would make me feel guilty, I did at the begiining feel forced, but also try and tell him that things here are not going to get any better. Hes probably just terrifed of the unknown, especially if you are settled. I know im not the most adventurous person, my husband is the go-getter. But after alot of time and thought I always knew deep down that moving would be the right thing to do. I think if you are not both on the same page then its going to be difficult as moving is very stressful.

But keep praying and knowing that maybe just like me me he might change his mind. :-) Theres always hope

Good luck and best wishes

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