Mac777 Posted September 17, 2013 Report Share Posted September 17, 2013 My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?''No,' she answered.I then said, 'Is that your final answerSo she said... 'Yes..'then I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's when the fight started...________________________________I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."And then the fight started....._____________________________My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high schoolreunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging hisdrink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?""Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinkingright after we split up those many years ago, and I hear hehasn't been sober since.""My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go oncelebrating that long?"And then the fight started...________________________________When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,making beer.. Always something more important to me.Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewingscissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went intothe house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out againI handed her a toothbrush.I said, "When you finish cutting thegrass, you might as well sweep the driveway."And then the fight started..._____________________________My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, "What's on TV?"I said, "Dust."And then the fight started...________________________________Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up theboat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrentialdownpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weatherwould be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;now with a different anticipation,and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"And then the fight started..._______________________________My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."I bought her a scale.And then the fight started...______________________________After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to applyfor Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'And then the fight started...________________________________My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need youto pay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."And then the fight started........________________________________I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'And then the fight started.________________________________One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And then the fight started. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TQO Posted September 17, 2013 Report Share Posted September 17, 2013 Thank you for a much needed laugh!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McCabes Posted September 18, 2013 Report Share Posted September 18, 2013 oh my hat... sheesh.I like that it's kind of balanced though. LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HadEnoughofJuju Posted September 23, 2013 Report Share Posted September 23, 2013 LMGA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarkSalter Posted October 5, 2013 Report Share Posted October 5, 2013 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace Expensive... So, I took her to a gas station.And then the fight started...----------I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.And then the fight started....----------My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.And then the fight started....----------A man and woman were asleep like two innocent babies.Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'And then the fight started....----------I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"And that's when the fight started....----------My Wife said her Mother was coming to stay for a Week or so, I said I'll be at Motel 6 if you need me.......And then the fight started.-------My Wife asked me if Meatloaf would be OK for dinner, I said fine, should we go to Denny's or IHOP....And then the fight started.-------I opened my mouth to say good morning,…And that's when the fight started------She says, "Honey do I look fat??" He says, "Nope ... Just don't get any bigger." Then the fight started.-------She said, "I don't snore." I said, "I have a recording here that says differently."And then the fight started.------She says, "You should pull over for directions"And then the fight started.-------The cashier asked my wife did she wanted a senior discount... Then the fight started.-------I was with the ex at the store once and she was buying a bra and she said they never have the right size.I said " You mean they don't make a 38 LONG "....and that's when the fight started.------She asked me for money to go shoe shopping. I said, "Not til you get rid of at least half of the 100 pairs you already have." And then the fight started. -----Husband, and wife went into the store to grab a few small items. At the register the cashier asked if he would like a bag?He replied, No thanks she is standing right behind me.And then the fight started.-------An older man and woman are watching this preacher on TV...and he is healing all these people and the older couple are very impressed...at the end of the show the preacher said he wanted to heal all those at home...so he said for all those that believe put one hand on the part of your body that hurts and the other on the TV...the old woman walked up and put one hand on the TV and the other on her shoulder where she had really bad pains...the old man walked up and put one hand on the TV and the other he grabbed his 'thang'...the old woman just kind of looked at him...and then she said honey he said he could heal the sick not raise the dead!!And then the fight started.------Wife gets in the showerHusband walks in, looks and says "Honey, no offense, but you gained some weight."Wife says "Yes, I have and so have you."Husband says "But it doesn't look as bad on me as does on you."And then the fight started.-----A woman is sitting in the cool of the evening on the veranda with her husband.Suddenly she says gently , “I love you.”He smiles shyly, and asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?She replies, “It’s me…………. talking to the wine." Then the fight started.------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac777 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 My wife has continental blood....If I have to say half these things they will find me in a box somewhere, or a few boxes... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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