A year done (almost)

[AllisonW]

I was sitting the other day and suddenly I realised that I had almost been in Australia for a year. A whole year. 365 days in which the wonder and fear and anxiety has
slowly morphed itself into normality. What an absolute rollercoaster it has been. In many ways I survived it because I didnt have any idea what it was going to be like. I
actually reflect back on myself getting on that plane in JHB and want to laugh at my absolute naivety.

Its been good. And its been hard. And its been absolutely heartbreaking at times. I got onto the plane with a dream, a new life planned and in many ways much of that dream
has been realised and in some ways it has not. A year down the line I have slowly begun to make peace with my move, my new life and as a result my old one. What a process.
I have said before that moving to a new country is like having a baby. You can read everything, talk to numerous people that have done it and yet nothing will prepare you in
the slightest for what awaits you. The night we landed in Melbourne I bravely fed my kids, bathed them and put them to bed and then cried for a solid hour around what we had
done. We had never been to oz, or Melbourne, we had no jobs and knew not a soul in the city. It was the loneliest place I have ever been in. My life, my world, my
belongings were all 10 000km away. In reality I had no capacity to process my experiences at that point. And so we embarked on our "checklist for sanity" - job - check,
house-check, schools - check, cars-check, groceries-check, doctor-check, bank cards-check, drivers licence-check. At this point every little thing that i restored to some
sense of normality was a victory, a tiny piece of my life puzzle that I put back together. We had some good times to, high on the new australian experience, safety and
beaches and museums and parks, libraries and my husband vowing to try every packet of chips in the supermarket. The worst was the sense of disconnection I felt from my loved
ones, friends and family. Most were positive and kind but smarted from their own loss and had little to offer in terms of support. They would say things like "You can come
home" when we couldnt and wouldnt. I got angry and sad and mad and frustrated with them but have learnt to let go so much.

And then the furniture arrived, a whole whopping container full, stuffed with african dreams and decent beds and books and my mothers pots and surely that would salve my
bruises? But somehow it hurt more to unpack these trappings of my old life and smell my old home and look at my albums and hold my books and remember things. I was here and
they were here but where was I really? But we unpacked and cried over small rental houses with not enough rooms and small cupboards and put on stiff upper lips (Thank god for
my british heritage!) and carried on. And my babies acted out and were sad and spoke of home and I said all the right things and felt absolutely powerless at times to meet
their needs and give them what they needed - home. But I learnt something. Little ones bounce back better then we do. They go to new schools and like their teachers and
forget their old ones and celebrate track pants over grey flannels and make new friends and ride their bikes in the street and do better, do well quickly enough.

My husband found work relatively quickly but his work experience hasnt been easy. He took the first job that came along through financial necessity and while the salary was
good, the working conditions arent great. We agreed that he would stick it out for a year. But its been a hard year where he has struggled with the little cultural
differences in the office and the different working environment. However, immigration is a lot about sucking it up and doing things you wouldnt normally do. You need that
all important aussie experience and you do what you must. I went from working full time to being a stay at home mom which when I left SA sounded like a dream. Finally I
could nurture my little ones and do all the lovely things I wanted to do with them. Instead I found myself exhausted, overwhelmed, short tempered and feeling like a parental
failure some days. I missed the office, I dreamed of uninterrupted moments at my desk, adult company, gratitude. I realised that this wasnt a path for me. But I did six
months of my son at home before he started prep and 9 months at home with my daughter until I put her into childcare three days a week and polished off my CV. I am in the
midst of job hunting and it has its own frustrations. I left a senior position in SA and yet dont want to return to that level, yet I have been told I am too experienced for
positions. I feel like I have lost 13 years of reputation and hard work and its hard to cope with. The first time I opened my cv and looked at my work experience I felt
like I was reading someone else's. Was that me? Did I really do that? After just a year my old life feels a lifetime away. It made me realise how work is so much more then
a job its also about self worth and feeling that you are growing. I had an interview yesterday that looks promising so I am holding out hope. Something will come alone.

Socially it hasnt been easy to rebuild our lives. It has required a huge amount of work from us at a time when our energy levels were so low. One of my early memories of
Australia is getting weepy at the kinder because I didnt have another contact number to put down as an emergency number. The teacher looked at me and said in an exasperated
tone "You must have someone you could put down??!!" and couldnt seem to understand that I didnt, I really didnt. Despite some of the warnings of integrate or perish I have
found it safer and easier to connect with fellow south africans to start with. I have three close south african friends who have really carried me. I met them here, they are
all relatively new immigrants, all with small kids who live close to me and have helped me beyond description. I have called them in crisis, wept on the phone, we have
coffee together and skinner about the things that the aussies do that irritate us and they are officially my emergency numbers now! I have made a close australian girl
friend who I just clicked with and can call day or night. She is laid back and wonderful and doesnt take offence when I describe some weird behaviour and ask if its a
cultural thing. She is my aussie barometer and will soon tell me that its got nothing to do with being aussie and just means the person is full of s**t! I also have a
growing group of people in my life who give me support, school moms that I meet with for coffee regularly, moms of my kids friends, people I have met through scouts and
cricket. It helps just to have that network of familiar faces. I know the neighbours, know people in the community I live in.

I had a subtle culture shock when I arrived. As a white english speaking South African I somehow thought that Australians would be just like me! And yet they were
different. They are very different. I still struggle sometimes with the subtle nuances, I find them harder to crack, although friendly once you get through. I started off
downplaying my difference but now know that this is just impossible and I hate being anything but myself. So I just speak as I please, share as I please, do things as I
please.

My feelings about South Africa have changed slowly. I was never really the angry immigrant. And I still identify myself as South African. Years ago I lost my mother and in
the process of her death my relationship with her was healed. I knew that what existed between us was and would remain so. And likewise with South Africa I know that my
life was what it was and I can let it go. I have made a choice to leave and feel no guilt and also no remorse. I think that my identity has been shaped by Africa and will
in turn be shaped by Australia but I know that I am bigger then both so I am at peace with both. I see now that I have a south african style, taste, world view and it makes
me happy. I have started to try and look for things that will reflect that in my space and have asked my friends to send me shwe-shwe material and have started to stitch an
african sampler. I feel like this last year has been a crucible and that I have emerged with more clarity around who I am and who I want to be. I have learnt about my own
limitations, I have celebrated how good this move has been for our family, I have more insight into what is real and what is important.

So the first glorious hard year draws to a close and we have survived it. I will be glad to see it done. Its been a trek, with lots of putting one foot in front of the
other. I dont have words of profound advice to others who are still on this path. I have no regrets. Its a wonderful country. I think that immigration is just like
anything else in life. Its an experience with good and bad. It has an element of luck, it has an element of attitude, it has an element of hard work. It is what you make
it. Its as simple and as hard as that. I think that being emotionally honest with yourself and open will be the greatest tool that you can have on this journey.
In closing, and apologies for the long post I want to thank all the members of the forum. some of whom I have met personally, others who have supported me in other ways over
the years, you input and friendship has been invaluable.

And now on to year two!

[OnYellowBrickRd]

Bang on the button again, Allison.

I have wept over so many of your posts (and have missed them). Your candid honesty about this process has truly prepared me to some extent for mine. 6weeks in for us and I can already relate to so many things in your post.

I hope that your journey will become better and easier and that you will feel proud of what you have accomplished (because you SHOULD!)

[slabbert]

thank you for a great realistic post

its so important for those still on the journey to come over "eyes wide open" that the emotional impacts dont stop at Oliver Tambo

[Lyn]

So glad to find your post here today Allison - cant believe its already one year. Well done on everything you have achieved. Its definitely not a journey for the faint hearted.

All the best with securing a job - and let year two be heaps more wonderful than year one.

[Donovan83]

Nice post all the best with the job hunt!

[AlBrough]

Thank you for sharing!

[claudiodr]

You say you dont have words of profound advice...I'd say that your post has nothing but profound advice:-)

Beautifully written and brutally honest; I may have to hunt down your previous posts!

Good luck with year 2, if the job doesn't pan out I'd suggest turning your hand to creative writing;-)

C

[Toitjie]

All, you really have a gift...maybe you should explore your writing skills more instead of tackling the corporate world. I always enjoy reading your posts, so beautifully written, open and honest. Thanx for sharing....your journey is such an inspiration to me.

And if you ever write children's books, or any for that matter..I will be your first customer!

[Jill]

Allison, I love to read your posts, thanks for sharing and isn't it amazing how a year has almost passed, We will have been here 6 years in August, I just can't believe it, like you said it has been full of ups and downs, even almost 6 years in I still get emotional. We are in the process now of doing our citizenship and I have been doing all the ground work, getting the copies etc all done and filling out the forms and I just get too emotional and have to leave it, I feel a bit like a traitor, I am grateful to Australia for our new life here but the emotions are still there...

Good luck with you job hunt, the right job is out there for you..

Best of luck,

Jill.

[BriD]

This is an amazing post! Thank you so much for sharing your story in a honest and real way...I so appreciate it when people don't hide the bad parts about things. Gives a much more realistic expectation for the people still at the beginning of the journey.

I hear what you are saying about being a Stay at home mom. It is a great blessing but at the same time can leave the mom feeling so confused about her emotions. I am a stay at home mom...have been for over 4 years now. Before that I was a departmental manager in a Tour Operator...I loved my job. I can totally relate to your feelings of being exhausted, overwhelmed, short tempered and feeling like a parental failure. Being a SAHM is not an easy task. And I like you have often dreamed of work and something to challenge my mind and adult conversation. So I hear where you are coming from. A little part of me is excited at the prospect that I could start working again when we go to Australia...even a half day job. So I wish you all the best in your search for your new challenge. I am sure the right thing will come along for you. ( Just want to add before I get slaughtered by anyone...I know exactly how much of a blessing it is to be at home with the children and I do appreciate it greatly)

Thank you for this post. Sending big hugs...may year 2 be a fantastic year for you as an Aussie

[Toitjie]

(Just want to add before I get slaughtered by anyone...I know exactly how much of a blessing it is to be at home with the children and I do appreciate it greatly)

so sorry to hijack your thread Allison..but I just had to comment on the above I had the good fortune of getting 6 months paid maternity leave with my daughter, and 5 with my son...and I remember vividly the comments from friends, family and sometimes hubby (bless him for he did not know)...."you must be well rested, having nothing to do all day, with a sleeping baby and all that..."

Its a blessing to be with your kids...but anyone who dare say its easy, its a breeze, its restful etc...is delusional

[BriD]

so sorry to hijack your thread Allison..but I just had to comment on the above I had the good fortune of getting 6 months paid maternity leave with my daughter, and 5 with my son...and I remember vividly the comments from friends, family and sometimes hubby (bless him for he did not know)...."you must be well rested, having nothing to do all day, with a sleeping baby and all that..."

Its a blessing to be with your kids...but anyone who dare say its easy, its a breeze, its restful etc...is delusional

Glad you understand! I get comments like that on a daily basis from my FIL and friends..."how can you be so tired...you can just sit at home everyday and relax"...pfffft. Alison...I am sure you must have experienced something like this too.

[Eagle101]

Great post, thanks Allison! Can relate to many things you say.......not easy at times, but definately worth it.

[LindaandPaul]

Thanks for the lovely post. Such a wonderful reflection.

[rozellem]

so sorry to hijack your thread Allison.

Its a blessing to be with your kids...but anyone who dare say its easy, its a breeze, its restful etc...is delusional

With the above in mind...... Special price for today only. Two very cute little boys going cheap. Must collect in Sydney. Paypal accepted. Will throw in all their paraphernalia too. Make me an offer. ~Desperate to sell in Sydney

Seriously Allison, glad you made is through the first year only slightly wounded. Onwards and upwards.

[Sunnyskies]

Great post, well done in getting through year one! Wait until you look back at the end of year two, you will simply marvel at how much further you have come.

At 4.5 years I still sometimes have a tear in the corner of my eye when I think of certain things, but I am such a different person to the person I was back then. Australia has definitely changed me (mostly for the better). The best thing are the times when I forget that I didn't grow up here and just think about my history as a single continuum without a continental shift - it makes me truely feel like I'm home.

[Sibella]

Well done Allison - you've comes long way. And I agree about staying home with the kids. Sometimes They drive me up the walls especially as my husband is away a lot. Imagine me today taking my seven year old to the optometrist with my 18 month old in tow. My toddler grabbed some glasses, her sister helped her to put them on properly and when I tried to get them off her she ran out the store with the glasses on. When I eventually caught her she chucked them on the floor laughing ....

This is just a short clip of my day - the rest of it is much the same!! But yes, then I bake Pronutro biscuits for their lunch boxes and take my little monster to the park or play group and I realise that I actually really enjoy being home with them (sometimes!)

[LizM]

Always love reading your posts Allison - you really do have a gift for writing

[AndreaL]

I love the honesty of your posts Allison, and have also lived so much of what you say.

A year already, my word.

I like to think that we come out of this experience as more well rounded, tolerant, loving and giving people. More at ease with who we are and what we bring to our relationships.

Good luck with the job hunt, I'm sure through time you will find your own work identity here too.

[AllisonW]

You ladies really made me laugh with your reflections on stay at home parenting! I can so identify with wanting to sell my kids to a passing circus! I have come to the conclusion that the best thing for good parent child relationships is to miss each other a bit. I have found the experience of being at home with my three very difficult. I really take my hat off to people who can do it on the long term. I have been in cut throat meetings, handled difficult court dates but nothing ever prepared me for the brutality of shopping with three kids. Or doing a doctors visit or dental appointment. And of course when you arrive your support system is limited so wherever you go, the whole family goes along. It is a true test of sanity.

Thank you all for your kind comments. I can honestly say that this last year was the toughest thing I have ever done. As others have reflected it has left me changed. However change embraced can be a good thing and if I have learnt anything I have learnt to just embrace life and all the chaos. Immigration certainly teaches that there are things you just cant control.

I have reflected on this and if my first year was about putting down roots, my second year is about green leaves and blossoms. I am determined to make this a year of joy. I know that I am different from the person who got on that plane but I still know that I am by nature a joyous creative person. I just need to brighten up the colours a bit! As I often say to my girl friends there is nothing wrong with reflecting on how much strength is took for us to just pack up and move to Australia and celebrating that. We are tough stuff.

Edited May 15, 2013 by AllisonW

[Toitjie]

my first year was about putting down roots, my second year is about green leaves and blossoms.

This is beautiful!

[fezzies]

Thank you for your post... it has brought tears to my eyes. We are new to the forum and already have got so much wonderful advice and support here. Your post is one that I will save so that when I get to that point I can pull it out and know that the rollercoaster of emotion I am going to be feeling will be normal and that we will be ok!

All the best with the job hunt... keep us posted

[DanieR]

Thank you Allison.

You are a very talented and I wish you many green leaves and blossoms ahead!

Please write again soon!

[Miley]

Thank you for your post, it was like a breath of fresh air!

[Lyn]

Alison, what a wonderful way to describe your life here, I am a tree hugger and find you description beautiful.

I always thought I knew myself - until the day I landed in this country did I discover that I had a lot to learn about me. I too have changed - and can feel I am living a more authentic life.

Sending you all the joy and pretty blossoms you deserve.

Please keep posting - you inspire me.