Toitjie Posted March 18, 2012 Report Share Posted March 18, 2012 It has been a couple of months since I last posted on this forum. I sort of lost my mojo, don't really know what to call it, but today I thought I am ready again.Our visa has been approved a year ago and last year it was all systems go for early this year to pack up and start our new journey.But on 6 December last year, my husband's 24 year old son died. He was found in his bed by his mother, and our two families have almost been ripped apart after that.It was really horrific. And he was not murdered or mutilated or anything drastic. But he was dead. just lying there. We rushed over so hubby could say goodbye to him before the ambulance took him away. This was my children's first experience really with death and I wish I could spare them the experience. We waited for hours for the coroner to show up and clear him before he was allowed to be taken away. So all of us hanging around, crying, knowing he is lying in his room on his bed.And I am not his mother, so the experience for me was less traumatic than for his parents, and still I was really traumatised, as were my children.There were lots of blame going around, plenty of it, and this has nearly cost me my marriage. Funny how families interact, but as soon as there is a death in the family, everything ever said by everyone becomes an issue.For the record, he died of cardiac arrythmia, and he had bronchial pneumonia before he died, he ate poorly, never exercised and chain-smoked. And he had huge amounts of stress, which Im not going into now. But way more than any person should have to deal with, and I think his heart just couldnt take the strain any longer. Of course this is not helping his father cope any better. In fact, it made it worse because his son constantly complained of being very tired and no-one took notice, no-one insisted he see someone about it.Our plans vanished into the mist after this, how can we think about emmigration after your son died, so I did not talk about it, didn't ask and didn't push. I was too busy trying to survive this storm.I know I would be crushed if one of my children dies, so I imagine what hubby must feel like. I though at one stage he was surely going to have a heart attack because he displayed his stress symptoms very acutely. He was taking it very hard, but his way of dealing with such a crisis, as no-one can prepare you for it, was to push everyone around him away. Christmas was cancelled in our house. I thought this is it, our marriage is not going to survive this, but thankfully, it did.Hubby is coping better, and a week ago he told me that although it is extremely hard to do, he thinks we should make our plans for leaving SA by the end of 2013. By that time the dust would have settled, and he would be over the worst.So, Im starting to get cautiously optimistic, I don't want to feel this too soon, but I think the end is finally in sight for us, even if end 2013 is still a long way to go.But the experience with his son dying has also had an effect on my feelings towards emmigration. After reading how AAAZ's mom is treating her, and they seem to be close, I felt sad. My mom and I are not close, not even by a long shot, but I feel horrible doing this to her, she has not complained once, she defends me whenever someone says anything bad about emmigration, she says its the best for us, for her grandchildren, her only grandchildren whom she will almost never see again (a little exaggerated but you get the point). So I geel guilty. Lots of it, for not being the good daughter with the close relationship, yet my parents are supporting us each in their own way (they divorced 20 years ago) so both of them will be left behind, alone, and this is really getting to me.But for a long time I have suppressed these feelings, because our lives were sort of automatic since December, just going on like robots everyday, but this afternoon, when I read about all the newbies on the forum, all the drama and loss and pain, I realised Im not the only one feeling like this, and shouldn't go it alone.I have to remind myself daily of why we started doing this, when I look in my two innocents' blue eyes, I know that no sacrifice is too big to ensure that they are safe and well.Toitjie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mel-B Posted March 18, 2012 Report Share Posted March 18, 2012 What a stressful time it must have been. So sorry for your loss. I really hope that you can find peace in your hearts and do what is right for you and your kids. Good luck and God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donovan83 Posted March 18, 2012 Report Share Posted March 18, 2012 Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your family trauma! Hopefully time will help heal some wounds. All the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyn Posted March 18, 2012 Report Share Posted March 18, 2012 Hi Y,Im so sorry to hear this, must be devastating - so much going on. You wonder sometimes how much someone can take - life just doesnt seem fair.2013 is not too far away - precious time for the kids with your mom.Sending you lots of strength at this difficult time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cramer Posted March 18, 2012 Report Share Posted March 18, 2012 I saw your post in the list and thought I was going to say to you "Kyk wat die wind waai in", but after reading that I am at a loss for words. I dont know what to say because nothing I say would change anything.Be strong and hope to finally see you in Canberra at the end of 2013! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riekie Posted March 19, 2012 Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 Sjoe, that's just SO sad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sibella Posted March 19, 2012 Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 Sorry to hear about your loss, it must be devastating. But I'm glad you are still coming, it really is worth it, I'm sure you won't regret it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toitjie Posted March 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2012 Thanx for the replies...I have missed my forum family! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurkprop Posted March 20, 2012 Report Share Posted March 20, 2012 Sorry to hear about that Toitjie, so sad for you and your husband and the rest of the family. I hope that you find peace in your mind about the move. Canberra is such a great place for families, you are going to have many happy times ahead of you here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynnie Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 Sjoe! Julle is omtrent deur hel!!! Baie sterkte met alles wat voorle - dit is nie maklik om afskeid te neem van iemand wat jy liefhet (lewend of dood...) nie.Moenie weer so skaars wees nie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Short&Tall Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 It was lovely to see that you had posted and I rushed in to say welcome back to the forum. I'm so really sorry to hear your news ToitjieSo I still say welcome back - I send you a big virtual hug. Death of a loved one is awful and I can't even imagine what the death of a child in the family is like. I hope that as this year progresses your plans move forward in a positive way. I'm sure they will have some ups and downs it is hard enough making that final push without all these other issues.Slowly but surely is the way to go - baby steps or big jumps whatever is needed in the different stages. Looking forward to hearing the ups and downs of the plans developing - as you say seeing what others go through helps us all.Bug hug - lovely to see you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion25 Posted March 22, 2012 Report Share Posted March 22, 2012 Ai Toitjie,So sorry to hear of all you have been through over the past few months, loss is never easy especially when it affects those you love the most.I trust you and your hubby will make the right decision for your family. Hope to meet you in Canberra soon, but in your own time.God BlessT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keglin Posted May 4, 2012 Report Share Posted May 4, 2012 Oh my hat Totjie,I have just read this and I am so sorry for the hard times you have been experiencing!I just trust that as time goes on things get a little easier and you can enjoy whatAdventures you have ahead of you.Keglin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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