Honeymoon Period...?

[gvr]

How many of you wanted to go back after just 3 weeks? I thought this was supposed to be the honeymoon period, but not for us...

[Lynnie]

Nee, wou nog nooit vir 1 sekonde teruggaan nie... mens kry jou ups en downs, dit is bitter moeilik soms en die verlange raak erg...

Waar woon julle tans? Gee dit kans - ek het iewers gelees of gehoor dit vat so jaar voordat mens ten volle aanpas, maar elke ou is mos anders, ne? Is julle ingesettle met verblyf ens?

Gee dit kans en onthou hoekom julle gekom het.

Baie sterkte!!!!

[Sibella]

The first few weeks are really tough normally, for us it was a nightmare. Just so much to do and as everything is new it is very stressful.

The honeymoon period normally only starts after a month or two, once you are settled and you have time to experience all the fun and excitement of a new environment.

We've been here for 8 months now and it still feels like a honeymoon period. Make no mistake we had lots of struggles and things are still not perfect, but we are loving it here.

[Lyn]

Its only 3 weeks jvr -

I remember the early days clearly - It felt too much like hard work and way too many tears. Being out of your comfort zone is scary. You dont have the support of family and friends anymore. You're on your own - everything is different and you have to start learning how another country runs. And besides all these emotions - theres a new workplace, less money etc etc just adds to it all. Going back to SAfrica seems easy compared to all this stress !

Take a day at a time - your life here will eventually take shape and things will get easier and become more familiar - 3 weeks is still early days. Way too much happening with the settling in process.

Sending you lots of strength.

[Orion25]

Hi Jvr,

We have been here 5 weeks, and although it has not been easy i really feel it is working out, we have had to open our minds and realise this is not south africa and everything is unfamiliar even ordering KFC or McDonalds, but i look on it as an adventure and an opportunity to learn new things.

Have you met up or had any support from other Saffers since you arrived? Where are you now?

Please don't give up just yet, feel free to pm us if you need to chat or maybe some advice.

T

[Kas]

Hi gvr

We've been here 3 months and there was no honeymoon period for us at all. 3 weeks into it I definitely wanted to go back! It is true, what we crave is the comfort of home, knowing how everything works, loved ones, maybe a better financial set up, easier way of life etc? For us it seems much harder here in many ways. Everybody says focus on why you came, but that doesn't really work for me (just because we arrived here more by chance, we weren't really looking to leave SA), for me what works better is to look at the reasons I want to go back to SA, and then ask if those reasons are really important in the big picture. So as much as there are days that I just want to hop onto the first plane and head back to my beloved SA and the life I had there, I know I will regret not giving Australia a chance. Just know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Lots of people talk about the honeymoon period or how they just loved it from day 1, but believe me there are many of us out there who do not experience that joy, who find it really tough, who miss home daily. Hubby and I have committed to giving it at least two years though, as we know the intense emotions we're feeling now will change.

Good luck with it all.

[Serendipity]

We been her almost 2 years and I still feel like I'm on honeymoon, love everything Australia has to offer my family. Give it time, 3 weeks is not long enought. Good luck

[Emille]

dont make a decision either way for AT LEAST 6 months

I would suggest 2 years

[candivw]

Agree 100% with Emille it took me between 12-24 months to really feel at home here and I actually started really enjoying my life here. We have had a bumpy road but thank dog it seems to be getting easier.

[gvr]

Thanks for all the advise and well wishes!

Like many on this forum we were in a way very spoilt in SA:Both me and my wife had executive level positions in big companies and earned huge salaries. We lived in arguably Gauteng's top security estate with a full time housekeeper and a full time au pair.

The job applications we have made thus far all had the same response: you're over-qualified for the lower positions, but you don't have local experience which will make it difficult getting the same level positions we were on...

This past week I had a medical issue making me basically immobile and unable to help in the house. My wife just said she's not even working yet, but already struggled with the kids, home etc on her own...

What to do?????

[AndreaL]

I suggest you draw up a pro's and cons list and have a good look at the reasons that caused you to give up your good jobs and salaries and very privileged life ( surely you had both dicsussed the issues of house keeping and child raising and knew it would be difficult without the help you are used to)

To be quite blunt, we were not spoiled in RSA and had quite a month to month existence ( hubby was an electrician in the mines) so we now lead a fairly privileged life ( financially better) with him working in the mines here. We came to Australia with nothing but 3 suitcases and $5000, so we simply had to make it work, had to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, had to swallow the feelings of uncertainty and fear and always feeling tired because each day involved learning so many new things ( Actually, I found the first few months quite hard- money worries- and if I weren't so prideful and stubborn, might have asked for help to go back....but there were good moments too and I could see that in this country we could grow and have a better life, whereas in RSA we were sort of stuck).

I am so thankful that my stubborn nature caused me to stick it out, and led me to one of the happiest times in my life.

Part of me is telling you this so you might take a moment to count the blessings you might have ( you probably aren't trying to get by on $650 a week like we were) and the other part of me can sympathise with the worry you must have at trying to find a job and also find where you fit in this society, as well as being worried about how your wife is coping.

Another part of me knows that sometimes you just need to get it all out and vent...and that is why the forum and those of us who reply exists.

Try and think in terms of how you would behave in RSA....would you have given up a new business venture or career move after 3 weeks ( you don't strike me as that kind of person). You haven't been here long enough to even think about giving up, stop putting so much pressure on yourselves and try and go out and have a little fun...walk on a beach, visit a park, anything that will get you briefly away from your worries and possibly give you a positive connection with Australia.

You really have to give it some time before you can decide if this is the right or wrong move for you...and if it is the wrong move then at least know that you put 100% in but that it wasn't for you.

You and your wife need to both talk honestly about what you are feeling, your fears your hopes...your spouse is your rock through the uncertain and often scary first months. Many of the men I have known have been unhappy in their first job here in Australia and the wife has helped carry the burden of that until the husband moved on to aplace he was happier.

You have a lot of hurdles still to face and need to be certain of why you are here and what it is you want....is it freedom, is it money, is it happiness...

I began this reply quite bluntly, but that doesn't mean I don't sympathise with how you must be feeling at this time, but just remember that a lot of how this turns out is dependent on you and how you choose to approach things.

That said, i wish you luck in getting your foot in the door somewhere, you most likely will not get into the same level of position that you were in RSA ( how long did it take yoy to get there in RSA?) however, I can assure you that you can rise within an organisation much more quickly here in Australia, and if you are willing to go the distance, you will most likely get there in time.

I hope your medical issue resolves soon. Don't forget to try and establish some support networks and make some friends too, that can make all the difference.

Good luck.

[candivw]

To put it bluntly in RSA most of us were really spoiled, here u have to do everything yourself it is hard but you just get used to it. As some would say toughen up princess, all of us get through things and have to cope on our own at some stage. You will get better at it. Promise

[Chocaholic]

Hang in there - it took my husband almost a year to settle - as for the housework - lower your standards I say - I am a perfectionist and used to worry so much about everything being spick and span - now I realise that's unrealistic and a waste of time that could be much better spend on the beach or walking my dog in the park or having fun with the kids or meeting friends for coffee etc. Life here is great and the future for you and your children a LOT more promising than back in S.A., so hang in there. No doubt the job seeking issue must be extremely stressful, however, try to network as much as possible. join coffee clubs, church groups, sport clubs and just do not give up. 3 weeks is a VERY short time. They say it takes up to 2 sometimes even 3 years! Once the whole job seeking issue has been sorted and you have made some friends everything will be much, much better. Where do you guys stay?

keep the faith, T

[SANZOZ]

It is perfectly normal to feel the way you are feeling. Everything is new. It took you a lifetime to learn how everything works in SA and to get into the positions you were in, now you have to learn it all again. I am sure you are not looking for confirmation of whether to stay in Aus or whether to go back to SA, just someone to "talk to" about the fact that it is not easy starting over in a new country. And it is not, no matter who you are and how privileged you were in SA. Stick it out.Things will get more familiar, you will find jobs (and work your way up again). This too shall pass.

[Kit]

In SA, hubby and I never had a maid or whatever, we had to do everything ourselves. We were comfortable enough, but it was all down to our own elbow-grease,so thankfully, I think because of that, we were already prepared to be thrown in the deep end landing in Aus. I can understand that people who had maid/etc would find it difficult coping with the new tasks to be taken care of - who likes chores anyway?! And who has the energy for them when you're tired out from learning a whole new way of life in a whole new country?

When we arrived, we were very lucky to have 3 weeks' respite living in friends' spare room while we found our feet, but from the get go, we took every day as it came, persisted in trying to find a house, car, etc, and took everything as a learning curve, adventure, experience. Shopping, filling car, catching bus, train, etc. It was all new and exciting, and exhausting at times. I don't think we ever longed to *go back* to SA... the only thing we felt and still feel is the sadness that our family and familiar surroundings (Table Mountain etc!) aren't just a 1hr drive away anymore!! There are SA online shops, there's an SA section at the local Coles, and things are so similar in a lot of ways. Getting a job and finding that you 'are ok' (can do the job) is a huge reassurance that you'll be ok too. Depending on what you do, you could do 'temp' stuff too, at least getting a day here and there, or a short-term assignment of a few weeks?

I hope you find things easier soon. Don't forget to take breaks and sit back and cherish the fact that you're in a new country. Stop, acknowledge and enjoy the newness and it'll become familiar (and easier) in time.

[Springjock]

I guess it all boils down to what you regard as the 'nice' things in life -the real priorities. Gvr, you mentioned that you used to live in a large, elite security estate in SA, as an example if how 'good' you had it over there. However, for me, this would be one if the major reasons for wanting to live in Oz. I dont want live in a country where I have to be barricaded in my home and rely on armed guards to protect me from my fellow citizens. I came to Oz to get away from all that.

However, there are many Saffers who arent overly bothered by the SA 'way of life.'. If you are one of those people then, yes, you are not going to enjoy Oz. Emigration is TOUGH, so if you dont have a compelling reason to do it, its going to be even harder.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[zoot]

Look at the change from a different angle -when you left primary school to go to high school you went from being a big kid at a small school to a small kid at a big school. If you had stayed in primary you would never have grown and would have missed out on all the experiences you gained by going to high school. It is much the same - you had 20 or 30 plus years in South Africa to learn the way the game was played to know where to live, how to get a job etc. You studied and started at the bottom and then gained a better job and a better job and before long you were in the position you were when you left. You know are starting from scratch. Nobody knows or cares where you worked before cause they have no frame of reference for it, they dont know where you lived or what that means e.g. did you come from a squatter camp or an upmarket security village, was the company you were working for a one man spaza shop or was it a multinational corporation. When you consider how many different nationalities you encounter on a daily basis and how each one of those people has a different frame of reference you get an idea of the scale of the problem.

Give yourselves a chance. If you moved to China you would expect things to be different, different language, different culture, different way of life so dont let the fact that Oz seems a lot like South Africa fool you it is very different and you are hugely out of your comfort zone, give yourself permission to feel overwhelmed, frustrated etc etc. Perhaps find things you enjoy doing e.g playing sport, going to church, going to movies/theatre and look for opportunities to get out and do. Eventually it will get easier. Just as when you went to high school you had to re-establish yourself that is what you have to do now. It is not easy nobody said it was but hang in there and gradually things will begin to make more sense.

[Cramer]

Once when I had been here a week, I had had a rough day, looked at about 25 Houses and had to deal with really crappy estate agents and was missing my wife back in RSA terribly! BUT only that once. SInce then this has felt like home

[Sibella]

All (and I mean ALL) of my friends in Joburg moved to security estates - it would be cool if I ever went to visit because they are either in Featherbrooke or in Eagle Canyon! Living like this is not real, it's living in a bubble which you've created for yourself because reality in South Africa is too scary to deal with.

But it is very hard, and the easier you had it in South Africa the more difficult you will find it to adjust here. But keep going because it will be worth it in the end. You might not have an au pair, but maybe you could afford a cleaner later. And maybe your wife might decide it's not worth it to go back to work financially (not sure how old your kids are but childcare costs a fortune) and start enjoying just being with your kids. Because once you've found a job you might find that you will be able to afford it.

I always 'had' to work in South Africa, then we moved to England and I stayed home and I still do here in Australia. It's hard work, it's tough but it's so worth it seeing my kids grow and develop.

Try to meet up with someone on the forum who also have kids your age - I did that and it really helped to chat to people going through the same thing.

In retrospect I'm glad we moved to England first because that was so hard that moving to Oz was a breeze. I'm used to having a messy house now . My kids make their beds & get their own breakfast in the mornings. Every second Saturday we all pitch in and clean the house together. We still have lots of time to go out and have fun and they play outside all the time.

Just take it one step at a time, you will get there.

[rozellem]

I am no bible quoter but, immigration sometimes reminds me of that bit in the bible about how hard it is for a rich man to enter heaven. It is difficult for a "rich" South African (who has never chopped their own vegetables), to adapt to life in the real world.

Sure, the getting a job and learning the ropes is a steep learning curve, but the rewards at the end of successfully settling here is just so fantastic. Dont let the short term hurdles put you off. I see that many South African women, who worked full time and had other people look after their kids, find the "being stuck with their kids 24/7" a real shock to the system. Yeah, child care can be expensive here, mainly because it is a career here and the carers get payed what they deserve. For that reason many women either stay at home while the kids are little or work part time. Working arrangements in Aus can be very flexible. But, if you are both adamant on working full time, you can of course get a cleaner or even a au pair (actually very reasonable). My husbands nieces (Aussie as they come) both worked as au pairs in Sydney while they were saving up to go to University. Most of their au pair friends here were French and German girls in their early 20's who are taking a break after completing Uni. They normally get lodging and food included and then get $8 per hour for the time they work. I now get cleaners in for a hour and a half, every week ($75). In Sydney they are typically Chinese and often a male/female couple. They are honest, good and fast as hell. They also bring their own(strapped on the back!) vacuum, all products and have their own key. They say they clean for another 4 South African families and they drive the latest Merc van. Oh and by the way, my local greengrocer now sells chopped up pumpkin.

Hope things look up on the job front soon. Bare in mind the first job in Aus is always much more difficult to nab as you are a unknown over here.

[Cramer]

But it is very hard, and the easier you had it in South Africa the more difficult you will find it to adjust here........

I am no bible quoter but, immigration sometimes reminds me of that bit in the bible about how hard it is for a rich man to enter heaven. It is difficult for a "rich" South African (who has never chopped their own vegetables), to adapt to life in the real world.

I would agree, when we were back in RSA we got the anti's telling us how difficult it is and that if Dr, Mr, (Fill in the Name from your home town) could not make it and came back then how are you with no money going to make it. Yes and the people that were pointed out to me were people with lots of money and servants and yes they could not make it. It is a sacrifice and at times it is difficult but at the same time incredibly easy, just dont have the expectations of living the the life you had back in RSA and you WILL make it. Most have, rich and poor and you only have to look around to see that.

Like I have said before, on this journey your Attitude can your best friend or your worst enemy, its a choice

[GoldCoastGal]

We're in our 4th year and still struggling without the domestic help we were privileged to have in SA. Our kids came over as teenagers and it's really hard to 'retrain' them so late in life!

Things will get better with time though.

I was unemployed for 6 months, got my first job by offering to work for free (in desperation).

I am on job #4 in as many years, simply because we had to start at the bottom and work our way back up. But it's happened quickly, and finally I can afford a cleaner once a week! WhoooHooooo! In the meantime, we've had to put up with a massive shift in family dynamics, lots of tantrums and tears.

I think we were lucky as we expected all of this - none of it came as much of a surprise, so maybe we were better equipped to deal with it.

We made a decision before we came that we would not go back for/ give it at least 2 years. 2 years gives you a good idea of the good and the bad, so that you can make an informed decision whether to stay or return.

It's really hard to shift priorities - from having the spotless house, nicest car, kids in private school etc. to just enjoying life and family and all the (free) stuff Aus has to offer.

It made a real difference for me to join some South African business groups in my area.

Now we have our own (modest) home (and a fat 30 year mortgage), and excellent jobs earning far more than we ever did in SA.

Ask me if I ever thought we would be here only 4 years down the track in our first 6 months and I would have died laughing....

[Springjock]

Great post! Yip, SA is probably the only country in the world where people of average value, from a global economic perspective, can afford to live in relative luxury with huge houses, servants etc. Living in Oz ( or Canada, UK etc) certainly offers a slice of reality! Having said that, I'd much rather scrub my own toilet and mow my own lawn (my little bitty one) than live in fear. As I said before, there are bigger priorities in life.

[maxi]

Immigration is like been born again, you have nothing, know no one , dont know where you are and dont know the system. Give yourself some time , 3 weeks is no time at all. We have all been there and made it. Forget about your life back home ( I know it is easy to say) and move forward into a bright future for you and the family in Australia . What worked for us was to set small goals for ourselves and slowly but surely we got them.

I went back to SA in october last year after been here for 18 months and found myself been like a fish out of water. The country had moved on , my friends had moved on , or should I say it was a case of me that had moved on.

Hang in there , give yourself time and have a positive approach to your new adventure .

[Cramer]

....., I'd much rather scrub my own toilet and mow my own lawn (my little bitty one) than live in fear.......

I remember once reading here on this forum the same thing but the words they used were..."I would rather make my own bed than be murdered in it"

[Kas]

I remember once reading here on this forum the same thing but the words they used were..."I would rather make my own bed than be murdered in it"

Shew - that really puts things into perspective. Thanks for sharing...