The ugly truth

[MichelleO]

Okay, so we always read of how everyone is settling in so nicely but we never hear if they are not...well, I AM NOT!!

I am writing this so that people know its not always easy...I would not like rude comments on my opinions as it is MY experience, so keep those to yourself or don't read any further!

We arrived here mid-March 2010 after taking the decision together to make the move over. I am EXTREMELY close to my family in RSA so it was a tough choice, but we decided it was best for our almost 2 year old daughter.

The first month I cried almost every day about everything, we then found a house and started to settle, I enrolled in Gymbaroo, Playgroup and Swimming lessons,; joined the toy library and began to familiarise myself with my surroundings. It didn't help.

I would cry in the shops because I didn't know what brands to buy (but am getting to know those too.)

I would cry because clothes and shoes are so expensive (I bought at LEAST one item of clothing a week for myself or my daughter). I shop to relax...here I cannot do that.

Everything that could go wrong did. The oven in the house didn't work, the fence started to fall down, we couldn't find a church with a good childrens ministry and I missed my family terribly. Then, to top it all off, Garrick's company told the staff they had no money to pay them...we ended up on an even stricter budget which made me even more depressed.

My mom came over to visit for 2 weeks and I felt human again, there was someone to help with my daughter and who I could talk to about every and anything (my hubby isn't great at girl talk ). I felt like me again.

Now she's gone and i'm right back to being in a deep dark hole. To the person that supresses all her emotions as they are just too overwhelming...

I feel like i'm trapped in this country...it has so much good to offer that I cannot go back to RSA...RSA just couldn't offer us the life we have here now... but I feel physically ill at the thought of living here forever away from my family who mean the world to me and everything that I know. I feel guilty for depriving my parents and my sister of being involved in my daughters life we used to see them twice a week or more in Jhb and my mother was there EVERY day after Amy was born.)

I haven't a clue what the good schools are here whereas I knew every good one in Jhb, and now I must enrol my child...where?? I don't know which hospitals are good and we won't have another baby because I don't know where and what and how everything works here when it comes to that whole process!

I just want to let people know that it's flippin hard...I NEVER thought it would be easy, but I NEVER thought it would be this hard , especially not for so long. I am trying my best and will continue to try, I will put on a brave face and continue to pretend everything is okay...but I want every other person out there who may also be struggling to know that you are not alone, it's not all flowers and roses moving over and its OKAY to feel like cr*p! It sucks, but you're NOT alone!

[malJohann]

Thanks for sharing, you're not alone either. My wife and I arrived beginning November 2009 and it's been a rocky road so far. She's also extremely close to her family, same kind of scenario with her crying a lot at times. It seems to be getting better though, helps once you start to interact with people ouside your household, especially on weekends when you (really) have nothing but time. I've also found it difficult at times, and I'm MUCH more independent and self-sufficient than my wife.

[K'moerse trek]

Year 2 is harder, but then it gets better.

[Mike9]

Hi

We arrived in June. It is difficult. Oz is a lovely country but the thought of staying here forever away from our family was a terrible feeling. My wife is pregnant. We both have our moments and try to remember why we came here. Sometimes we ask ourselves how we could have left SA and our family and live in Oz. Then we remember all the reasons to choose to be here.

It is still very difficult. It improves everyday although we have our moments. I am sure it will get better.

It helps when you thing about all the negative reasons of leaving SA and all the positives here in Oz. Not everyone gets the opportunity to be here , so we should feel blessed. Thinking along these lines...helps somethings..

Do not worry it is only natural to feel like this. It will improve with time.

[tyde]

Hey Michelle,

Thanks for sharing this with us. It is tough when you are in an emotionally gut wrenching phase of your life. I hope that every single day gets better for you. I am so glad that you wrote this, I am on my way over with my family and sounds like we have a very similar family set up here in SA . My house is in the process of being sold and even that has me freaking out. I am sure that with time the unfamiliar will become more familiar. Good luck...

Deirdre

[Eva]

Oh Michelle, I wish I could give you a big hug and sit and chat over coffee... cyberhug will have to do...

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

[elleneo]

AAAh dol...try to keep positive! Ive even heard of the "3 month slump"..that every 3 months for the first 2 years you get a bit depro..im one of the lucky ones and just carry on as before..I do miss my friends though and am counting the days till my BFF arrives when they emmigrate.

All I can offer is a shoulder and a visit..you guys are welcome anytime ..it helps to visit with people who understand what you are going through.

[candivw]

Dont feel alone, I felt like that for the first 12 months, we would meet other south africans and hope that they would be the friends we so desperately craving but even though loads of us come from the same country we are all different and it takes ages to get to know people so that you feel comfortable with them. March - july is not that long, you will start to feel better as time goes by, I was so close to my mom that we were still living with her when we left to come over here, so have some hope, time does help make things easier.

Edited to add that money was a huge issue for us, in RSA i had a good job, I never earned loads but I was ok, here I cannot find a job as all of the insurance companies I would work for are over east, none of them have offices in Perth anymore. We dont have any accounts here so all clothes etc have to be cash.... only now after 18 months can we eat out, buy clothes etc and thats because I am working as a cleaner. My husband earns an above average salary its just that living here is expensive..

[EricaC]

Oh Michelle - yes it does feel all so very daunting in the start......it is so normal - everyone says 'give it time' time can vary for everyone - some take 2 months are in the swing of things - others may take years........I too send you... Concentrate on your bubs.....by meeting other mums with a similar age child does make the world of difference.........It is also winter - so that alone is a bit of a downer.......

I hope you are feeling happier soon my love.....this is actually one time where most of us can say......we KNOW were you are coming from!! It is so, so normal!

Erica

[Queensland Girl]

Aww Michelle- I understand. It is SO VERY HARD. I spent at least year being ANGRY that I couldent live in South Africa.And very depressed.

I got angry when people told me that its "takes time", I was angry that it would take years"settling in"( I didnt have years- I was 42!) I wanted it NOW, I knew there was just NO WAY I could handle that pain for years.

I can see that you have done all the "right" things- liike joining libraries and social groups.I can see you really want to make this work with your head but how come your heart is still broken? Huge shock that one.

Some advice from a survivor:

Get professional help. This is the biggest bereavement you have probably ever had to deal with. If you are on PR, get a referral from the GP- 10 visits to a Psychologist are covered by Medicare.

And after all this, understand that it will get better, but unfortunately - it takes time.

Thinking of you.

[elleneo]

I just thought of something...didnt you say you had a cousin in black rock?..cant they maby visit with you a bit more ?..maby invite them??

[SANZOZ]

I'm so sorry to hear you aren't happy but I think it IS important for those who are still on the way to understand that you have no idea how you are going to deal with the whole process of emigration. It isn't easy for many reasons but for some people they feel it a lot worse.

I am one of those people who just believe that I make the place I am in home. I'm not sure if I just don't get homesick or if I don't allow myself to, but I believe in living in the present and enjoying every day you are given. I do however understand that not everyone is the same, and you will only know how you will deal with being away from family and friends when you are actually in the situation. Perhaps the fact that I spend a lot of time online and on the phone chatting to friends and family in SA has helped. Both ways, its great that you decided to post about it. I feel like too many people only mention the positive aspects because they are in the honeymoon phase and it sets those that are still in SA up for failure when they get here and expect to be in love with everything Australian.

I think the more friends you make here, the more it will eventually feel like home. But you are doing the right thing and should be proud of yourself for caring about your daughter enough to make such a big life change.

[Toitjie]

Michelle, thank you so much for sharing. We are not there yet, I can offer no words of comfort, but I do appreciate your honesty.

I am worried about the same things. I am worried that the adapting will be so hard that hubby blames me (his parents are very old and he already thinks he wont ever see them again, plus he is leaving his 3 oldest children behind)

I also feel some anger sometimes, towards South Africa and the issues that made us want to leave in the first place. Its not like we WANT to emmigrate. If the stuff thats going on didnt happen, we would not have started this process. I feel like we are being kicked out of this country, circumstances are forcing us to take a decision that we normally would not have taken. And I resent that, I resent the fact that we have to leave people behind, start all over, feel strange, uprooting the kids et.

I just never wanted to say it aloud, but maybe we need to vent a little, it makes one feel better, just to say what we really feel.

I hope you feel better, please keep a journal, for us and for you

[Michele R]

I really feel for you, we had a very rocky few first months when we got here. Took us a while to get jobs and settled. I am very close to my family and still find it quite hard some days after I've phoned them. Every day is different, with ups and downs. I'm struggling a bit because I can't seem to find a job in my profession here in Perth (media industry here isn't big) and it's a bit demoralising when you're going for interviews and companies just never get back to you.

But hang in there. The main thing is not to give up. You're not the only one who is feeling down, and that's where this forum is so amazing. During my very dark moments, I've had some amazing people give me support and a cyber shoulder to cry on. If you need to vent or just chat, please PM me.

Sending you a big hug!

[D&S - Perth]

It really sad to hear that you soooooo sad .................. I think i can honestly say that just about EVERYONE in this forum has had a good cry .................. I know I wondered many times " WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE" ............. but being here 8 months now .............. I really feel a lot better .............. Its a hell of a adjustment ........... and at some stage of the game ............. you will look back and say ............. I have done the right thing ..............

Hang in there ............ our thoughts are with you ................

xx

simone

[thehulls]

Hey Michelle,

I have a very good friend who is from the UK who has decided to return home at the end of the year because she just cannot imagine spending every Christmas or birthday away from Grandparents and family. As much as she appreciates what Australia has to offer, she is missing the history that she has back home. Things are obvioulsy very different in the UK to SA so it is just that much easier for them.

I have no suggestions on how to make this better but just know that your forum family is always there for you to vent to. Things will get better with time as you get more familiar with things but that doesn't solve the present so my thoughts are with you....

Liesl

[LIGGIE]

Shame, Michelle - I hope you'll get through this!

But I want to thank you, you have no idea how helpfull your honesty is! It helps us who are still on our way prepare ourselves emosionally!

All of the best!!!

[Chocolate]

Thanks for sharing Michelle,

Hope you feel better soon.

Chocolate

[CTFamily]

I'm very sorry to hear that you are finding things so tough. I emigrated from the UK to SA so have been through the separation before so this move has been a little easier for me but my Husband has taken moving away from family very hard. We have been here for a year now and it is not as hard as it was so I hope that day by day you feel a little better.

Sending (((Hugs)))

xxxxx

[andrea_vk]

I totally understand Michelle. I question myself everyday. It is not easy.

I hope you feel better soon.

Andrea

[Diveup]

Hi Michelle,

I have been in Australia for nearly two years and it has been a battle being away from my loved ones, friends and pets Hopefully time will help us cope with being away from our loved ones. I hope you feel better soon and you are not alone.

Diveup

[Mozzie]

[FlowersInOz]

Michelle, firstly I want to say that what you've said is exactly how I felt as well. I didn't fit in, cried a lot and felt very frustrated and things didn't go smoothly, it went very bumpy. What you are experiencing is the grieving process. You are just depressed, nothing out of the ordinary considering what you're going through. I'm sure the depressing weather also don't help. You're in Melbourne? It is one of the most painful and traumatic things that can happen to a person. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I so agree with QueenslandGirl. Get help. Medicare really do help with the 10 visits per year to a psychologist. It's so worth it! A lot of people are stuffing their feelings away and that makes the grieving process so much harder and prolongs it. Best to be honest and get help. There are some wonderful psychologists out there. Another thing that is quite helpful is St Johns Wort tablets. It helps with depression. Just be careful as it can react to certain other prescription medicine, so check first. Depression can happen to anyone.

All the best and thank for your honesty.

[Lisa S]

Hey Michelle

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. All I can say is I think you are very brave for continuing your journey with out giving up.

I am also going through a trying time of my own with my husband being in your boat, but the only thing is that he has decided to give up after 2 months and go back without us. I have also felt that way at times but it is normal. As the others have said go seek a little help depression is normal and some people can work through it on there own, other may need a little counciling and just someone to chat to and cry on their shoulder. I wish my hubby would go for help but he will not see this.

I have 2 friends in New Zealand that went through exactly the same and both after 1 year went for help and are now very settled. They wish they had gone earlier.

Chin up be strong and just enjoy your freedom.

I am also looking forward to seeing my mom and sister who have both decided to come join me for xmas.

One thing I can say is that belonging to this forum is amazing, the support and comfort you get is unbeleivable, I feel like I have these big arms around me, the warmth and enthusiasm is amazing. Thank you to everyone who gives there feed back and offers of love and caring. When I say feed back that is negative or possitive it is good for us to hear the truth so you do not come here with any illusions.

Keep on moving forward and things will improve.

Lisa

Lisa

[Jill]

Hi Michelle,

I got goosies reading your post, this is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. In about 3 weeks time we will have been here for 3 years, and I still wonder what I am doing here. Have good days and bad days.

My daughter is about to go to my mom in the UK for 6 months, I have told her to please come back, she hasn't been a great fan of Australia, never complained, but just never really settled here. So hoping she hates the UK winter and decides to come back to Australia. But then again, it will be her decision and her life and I can not stand in the way of where she wants to be...just hoping it will be Australia.

I think where you live has a large bearing on your happiness too. We have always lived at the coast so feel now we will be happier and more settled when we manage to get back to the coast. At the moment we live in Central QLD, 4 hours drive from the nearest beach....so we have set ourselves a goal to get back to the coast, to see if that helps us feel more settled and if it doesn't, I will wait for citizenship and then go back to SA, back to what I don't know, but my greatest fear is looking back in ten years time, still feeling uncertain and wishing that I had gone back then. Then again we have given up so much to be here so...

This is really a tough journey to make, and you just don't know how you will cope until you get here and you are exposed to all these things.. shopping was tough in the beginning for us too, a simple trip to the shop was so overwhelming, standing there looking at these things and just feeling so lost, but now I know my brands and what I like and what is YUK... Now our local Foodworks stocks a whole range of SA products, and when I really want to see the things I know so well, I go shop there and grab a few things and try not to squirm at the price when I walk out, eat some sugus sweets, have some Nuttikrust biscuits, a cup of Ricoffy and I feel good. I used to love Mentadent P the microgranules toothpaste, when we arrived here I hated the toothpaste, absolutely hated it, tried a few and finally found one I could bear, the one with the breath strips in it, it makes a squeak against your teeth when you brush, anyway, after we had been here about a year I ordered some Mentadent P online with some other SA goodies and couldn't wait to get them. Well I used the mentadent P that night, I was so excited and found to my horror I didn't like it anymore... and prefer the one I am using now...shows you how we adapt, another thing was the chocolate, found it so sweet in the beginning, forced myself to adapt practised every day and now love it.

Just wanted to say you are not alone, some people click with Australia and for some it takes a long time to click, if ever.

But one thing you have to do is talk about the way you feel, which is what you are doing, that is a good thing, keeping it all bottled up inside is no good. My husband and I have always had communication...on the days he is finding it tough, I help him and he helps me on my bad days...

Sending you an ENORMOUS GIGANTIC hug .... sorry for waffling on.... but hope you get what I am trying in my long windedness to say....

Jill