Teacher Dax's alternative report card

[Dax]

So, the year has ended for students (school kids) and teachers alike, and reporting is finished and on reflection of the whole process, we teachers always belatedly think of the things we have said about kids in their reports, and the alternative ways in which we could or should have said it.

In some cases it is also a question of what we wish we could have said…

I’ll try to explain in a satirical way what some teachers, myself included, some times wish we could have said…

The lower case parts are the language and terminology that teachers are expected to use as a result of convention, professional ethics, and managerial directives.

The upper case parts depicts either what we really meant in plain language or wish we could have said. (All names, places and situations are guaranteed to be the product of my satirical/jaundiced imagination, and should not be taken TOO seriously. )

In general class work Johnny demonstrated originality in respect of alternative thinking skills and problem-solving strategies, not to mention alternative work ethics.

HE EXCELLED AT WORK-AVOIDANCE, AND HIS SNEAKY, TWISTS AND TURNS AND EXCUSES FOR WORK NOT COMPLETED OR NEVER EVEN ATTEMPTED, NEVER CEASED TO AMAZE ME.

Annie impressed her teacher and peers with the unique way in which she adapted the testing-and-elimination-matrix to develop her own protocol for the handling and testing of chemicals in the chemistry laboratory.

ANNIE CAN COUNT HERSELF LUCKY WE ALL GOT OUT OF THAT LABOROTORY IN TIME AND IN ONE BLIMMING PIECE, BEFORE THE EXPLOTION!!! I’M NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT MY BRIEFCASE THAT WAS PICKED UP ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD, OR THE MELTED STATE OF MY LAPTOP COMPUTER, BUT WHOSE GOING TO PAY FOR A NEW CHEMISTRY LAB AND THE TWO ADJOINING CLASSROOMS?

Benny seemed unable to connect socially and on inter-personal levels with his peers and the adults that worked with him. This was mainly due to his challenging behaviour patterns as well as his linguistic disadvantage.

THE OTHER STUDENTS AND I LIVED IN CONSTANT FEAR OF HIS UNPREDICTABLE TEMPER AS WELL AS THE MISSILES HE SENT FLYING THROUGH THE CLASSROOM, MOSTLY IN THE FORM OF CHAIRS AND TABLES. ON THE OCCASION OF THAT DAY WHEN HE CLIMBED ON TOP OF THE SCHOOL’S ROOF, STUDENTS AND STAFF ALIKE, RESENTED THE ANTI-SOCIAL CONNOTATIONS OF THE NAME-CALLING HE ASSSIGNED TO EVERYONE IN SIGHT.

Cindy has experienced a highly successful work-experience project, so much so, that she was offered permanent employment within a few days of her work-experience commitment.

WE REGRET THAT WE ONLY AFTERWARDS LEARNED THAT THE EMPLOYER WAS A PUBLISHING HOUSE FOR A MALE-INTEREST MAGAZINE THAT CAN ONLY BE SOLD LEGALLY IF IT IS SEALED IN BLACK PLASTIC IN DESIGNATED OUTLETS.

All students really enjoyed and made the most of the relaxed and free-choice aspects of their time-management during the school-excursion to French Polynesia.

THE RUMOURS THAT THE MALE STAFF WERE CONSTANTLY TO BE FOUND IN SEEDY BISTROS AND THAT THE FEMALE STAFF WERE CONSTANTLY IN THE COMPANY OF OFF-DUTY MEMBERS OF THE FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION ARE BLATANT LIES!!!

Peter did not seem able to connect with the curriculum and any significant or meaningful ways. It was very challenging to obtain work-samples or feedback from him in order to compile a comprehensive report on his achievements throughout the year, mainly because of his dysfunctionality in respect of reading, writing and oral skills.

PETER IS A BRAIN-DEAD ZOMBIE.

Lenny really excelled at Physical Education & Health studies and his drawings in respect of anatomy was meticulous and carefully executed, but with scant attention to socio-political correctness, unfortunately.

LENNY’S PHYS ED ANATOMY DRAWINGS WERE CONFISCATED AND DESTROYED WHEN HE WAS CAUGHT STUDYING HIS SUBJECT MATTER THROUGH A SELF-MADE PEEP HOLE INTO THE GIRLS’ CHANGE ROOMS.

Danielle seems to have a natural talent in respect of oral composition and oral group interactions. She has a clear, strident voice that she tends to use significant effect.

IF ONLY SHE COULD SHUT UP FOR TEN SECONDS, THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE SHE WOULD LEARN SOMETHING…

Benny excelled at entrepreneurial skills and some of his projects tended to be quite good money generators.

THE ACTUAL REASON WHY BENNY WAS SUSPENDED FOR TWO WEEKS WAS THAT HE WAS CAUGHT RELIEVING RECEPTION/YEAR 1 STUDENTS OF THEIR CANTEEN MONEY.

Mandy sometimes exhibits quite articulative self-defensive skills, especially if she does not have a meaningful explanation for some of her more alternative behaviours.

IF EVER MANDY CALLS ME AN UNFAIR AND MEAN-SPIRITED “OLD FUDDY DUDDY†AGAIN, I’LL HAVE HER SUSPENDED TO THE BEHAVIOUR CENTRE!

[MelG]

[Eva]

Hee, hee :lol:

We have learners here in RSA ~ and educators!!

[Coyote Ugly]

I will read the next report card differently

[Bob]

yeah . . . . wouldn't you just LOVE to write the real thing? . . . . . . just once?

My old mate Steve, who I see on Wednesdays, used to work for the Dept of Social Security back in 1978.

He is a bright soul, with a keen mind. . . . . a genius, actually.

At the end of his time there (9 months), before going off to an ashram in India to be with an Indian guru for a year . . . . . . (real hippie, Steve) . . . . he bought a stamp with a logo printed on it.

In his last few days at Social Security, processing all the unemployment claims that were piled up on his desk, he passed them all and stamped them with the words "Bullshit" in big print right across the page on the file.

Someone might have got a laugh when he was sitting cross legged under some tree in India back in 1979?

Good on ya, Steve!

[zorba]

Dax, just brilliant!!

Can I send my son's report to you for translation? Hehe...

zorba