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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)


Riekie

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The support group sounds great... Sorry I am in Melbourne. Sure you will find a lot of other women in a similar situation who owuld like supprot and a place to 'vent'.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Yes! I have been here only 2 months and a few weeks and I have allready noticed that Australians appear "unblemished" and way to frigging laid-back. Way to laid-back - it is almost as if it is taken as as offensive to make sombody stressed or fussed. But then I go introspective and try to make sense of what is going on. And I can only come back to that one reason for the apparent differences, which is that South Africans are adrenalin charged. Yeah, its nice being on adrenalin. Your senses are heightened, you have loads of energy, you think and act quickly but your body is slowly burning out. We are the product of a unique country which probably made us the "hardegat", hardworking, common sense people we are today. South Africa is a country of incredible beauty and natural abundance and that has probably imbued us with a zest/passion for life.

I came here wanting to fit in but after only a few months I realise I will never fit in. I cannot expect them to ever understand where I come from. The psychological undertones of fear and resentment and hatred that was part of life in South Africa is a truly personal thing. The pleasure and peace provided by South Africa's natural beauty is something only an African can understand. I must say I am also very aware that here I do not live my life against a backdrop of poverty and that is good.

They will have to accept me the way I am. Australians are very friendly. Do watch out for the wicked sense of humour that cuts anybody down to size. I am sorry Ozzies. I have tried but I also get too many quizical looks. I also had the "hairdresser" experience. 10 weeks down the line I obviously need a hairdresser and I dropt a subtle hint the other day hoping to stear the conversation to recommendations to hairdressers and the only response I got was: yeah, shouldn't be a problem, there are loads of hairdressers here. See, that same response of: just don't fuss about a hairdresser. Will I ever tone down to there level? I think the trick is again to find balance. Take the good from their lifestyle without becomming "slapgat". Will I go to a "Saffer support group" to help with fitting into the ozzie lifestyle? There is a contradiction in that, isn't there. I have realised that I will probably never have Ozzie housefriends and that I will, contrary, to my expectations join up with saffers. It is so bad that I told an Ozzie the other day that when I die no Australian vegetation will grow on my grave. The only Ozzies we have really "befriended" so far are also first generation immigrants from other countries.

I find I need to constantly take a deep breath and tell myself to slow down. The town we stay in, after all only has 3 traffic lights. Otherwise you are constantly frustrated by the laid-back approach to everything. But their lifestyle seems to be working for these people. There seems to be very little depression around. People have endless patience with children. It is almost as if everybody is drugged, like those futuristic movies where you get fined if you swear.

And there are the South Africans who have OBVIOUSLY been here a LONG time. When you hear them in public places and you swing around , looking desperately at who it might be, it is very clear to me what they are thinking: O no, not another new immigrant, they are so boring.

This emigration thing is a bloody minefield. Through this all is the thought that you might (o hell, probably are) suffering from mild depression which clouds your judgement and perceptions. Today was the first day that I opened Riekie's pinned topics about the phases of emigration and PTSS. I need I "pick me up". My children are still small so I cannot do the volunteering thing (or can I)? Can I do shopping for an old lady with a 2 year old in tow? At the moment I've had to many negative experiences.

I feel as if I am not coping if I have to read news24 to feel better and get a reason to get out of bed. I keep telling myself it will get better. In the book: "the games people play" the autor talks about the "strokes" people give each other when they have conversations. We need these strokes to stay alive. You are taught by your parents and society about what is acceptable and appropriate responses or "strokes". South African and Australian conversations are definately different. In Australia, do not talk negative, never, about anything or anybody. Not even in the slightest form. It is all "no worries mate" about everything. Do not fuss and do not stress. It is impolite. Now to read news 24 so that i can get my adrenalin fix.

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Antoinnette, thanx for you honest post. My husband has been in AUS a while now and cannot believe how laid back they are.

Just want to add my 2c here. I notice you are all referring to yourselves, us adults/parents. We seem to think that it only affects us folk who are "giving up" everything. I understand where you are all coming from, however

My daughter 13, has just been diagnosed with PTSD. Last year she had a gun to her head, had some counselling and "seemed" ok. She seemed fine with our plans to move to AUS, was excited - but as the days get shorter, she no longer wants to leave - to "give it up". One of her concerns is that she will become an orphan if something happens to us. The last few weeks have been so difficult for her. And I can kick myself for not realising how she was feeling.

My son 15, cant wait to get to AUS. Keep an eye on the teens, they too battle.

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Yes! I have been here only 2 months and a few weeks and I have allready noticed that Australians appear "unblemished" and way to frigging laid-back. Way to laid-back - it is almost as if it is taken as as offensive to make sombody stressed or fussed. But then I go introspective and try to make sense of what is going on. And I can only come back to that one reason for the apparent differences, which is that South Africans are adrenalin charged. Yeah, its nice being on adrenalin. Your senses are heightened, you have loads of energy, you think and act quickly but your body is slowly burning out. We are the product of a unique country which probably made us the "hardegat", hardworking, common sense people we are today. South Africa is a country of incredible beauty and natural abundance and that has probably imbued us with a zest/passion for life.

I came here wanting to fit in but after only a few months I realise I will never fit in. I cannot expect them to ever understand where I come from. The psychological undertones of fear and resentment and hatred that was part of life in South Africa is a truly personal thing. The pleasure and peace provided by South Africa's natural beauty is something only an African can understand. I must say I am also very aware that here I do not live my life against a backdrop of poverty and that is good.

They will have to accept me the way I am. Australians are very friendly. Do watch out for the wicked sense of humour that cuts anybody down to size. I am sorry Ozzies. I have tried but I also get too many quizical looks. I also had the "hairdresser" experience. 10 weeks down the line I obviously need a hairdresser and I dropt a subtle hint the other day hoping to stear the conversation to recommendations to hairdressers and the only response I got was: yeah, shouldn't be a problem, there are loads of hairdressers here. See, that same response of: just don't fuss about a hairdresser. Will I ever tone down to there level? I think the trick is again to find balance. Take the good from their lifestyle without becomming "slapgat". Will I go to a "Saffer support group" to help with fitting into the ozzie lifestyle? There is a contradiction in that, isn't there. I have realised that I will probably never have Ozzie housefriends and that I will, contrary, to my expectations join up with saffers. It is so bad that I told an Ozzie the other day that when I die no Australian vegetation will grow on my grave. The only Ozzies we have really "befriended" so far are also first generation immigrants from other countries.

I find I need to constantly take a deep breath and tell myself to slow down. The town we stay in, after all only has 3 traffic lights. Otherwise you are constantly frustrated by the laid-back approach to everything. But their lifestyle seems to be working for these people. There seems to be very little depression around. People have endless patience with children. It is almost as if everybody is drugged, like those futuristic movies where you get fined if you swear.

And there are the South Africans who have OBVIOUSLY been here a LONG time. When you hear them in public places and you swing around , looking desperately at who it might be, it is very clear to me what they are thinking: O no, not another new immigrant, they are so boring.

This emigration thing is a bloody minefield. Through this all is the thought that you might (o hell, probably are) suffering from mild depression which clouds your judgement and perceptions. Today was the first day that I opened Riekie's pinned topics about the phases of emigration and PTSS. I need I "pick me up". My children are still small so I cannot do the volunteering thing (or can I)? Can I do shopping for an old lady with a 2 year old in tow? At the moment I've had to many negative experiences.

I feel as if I am not coping if I have to read news24 to feel better and get a reason to get out of bed. I keep telling myself it will get better. In the book: "the games people play" the autor talks about the "strokes" people give each other when they have conversations. We need these strokes to stay alive. You are taught by your parents and society about what is acceptable and appropriate responses or "strokes". South African and Australian conversations are definately different. In Australia, do not talk negative, never, about anything or anybody. Not even in the slightest form. It is all "no worries mate" about everything. Do not fuss and do not stress. It is impolite. Now to read news 24 so that i can get my adrenalin fix.

Hi Antoinette,

Your post is honest and laden with pain... May I suggest that you try to join a support group (maybe place an advert in your local paper to begin one if there isn't one close by?) I think it is important to voice your 'negative' feelings to others who can relate - ZA expats. The day will come when your 'cup is empty' and you feel ready to let go. Perhaps then you will be in a better position to accept and assimilate yourself into the Australian lifestyle and psyche.

We have ALL been affected by the brutality, hatred and violence that ZA has become. Call it what you will, every one of us here from ZA needs some kind of debriefing or therapy or something to help us release the pent-up emotions we carry about our lost land. I personally believe that what we resist persists, so the sooner we can acknowledge that we have issues to deal with and find the help we need, the faster we will find peace and healing in our new homeland - Australia.

This forum offers us so much, I am almost certain that thru the forum you can find a group of Saffers who would be willing to meet on a regular basis to deal with the grief that each of us carry. Take the plunge and start peeling away the fear and grief, layer by layer. You can do it! Reclaim your power, don't allow yourself to become lonely or bitter. If Aussies don't understand you, then find folk who can... Before you know it you will have worked thru many of your PTSD issues (as will your group members) and you too have the potential of developing a 'no worries' attitude.

Until then, the best attitude to have is the attitude of gratitude. You are alive! You made it!!! Congratulations! What you did to get to Aus was probably the hardest thing you have ever had to do… But, you succeeded! Now you owe it to yourself to be as happy as you can. Do whatever you must to reclaim your joy! You deserve it…

Best wishes

Andi

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Thanks so much for sharing your experiences so honestly with us, Antoinette. It is so important to me to get a realistic idea of what other people have found, and know that it will help me when I experience similar emotions/thoughts/things. I really felt sad for you reading your post and hope that things improve for you soon, it is still early days, so hopefully when we get a 6 months post you will be more settled.

All the best...

Eva

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  • 1 month later...
I also wonder how long it takes to feel like one fits in with the people here. I work with the most wonderful people; caring and considerate and so trusting to the point of naivete, I think. I feel so inadequate next to them at times because I feel very cynical about alot of things and often feel really angry and am certainly no longer trusting. My interactions with the Ozzies I work with are fraught with ambivalent feelings. They appear so psychologically unblemished compared with many of us South Africans and although I understand the reasons for this difference, I sometimes think I will never truly relate to them. I just hope I am not alone in feeling like such a misfit.

At the same time, the longer I am away from SA, the harder it becomes to remember what people in SA are like and the harder it gets to relate to my own friends there to a certain extent. Does anyone else out there feel like they are in no-mans-land?

Absolutely.

I think one of the things that has partially saved me from this abyss is that I was something of an introverted weirdo back home and am quite used to not relating to ordinary people. I think you are absolutely right in perceiving Australians as "psychologically unblemished" compared to South Africans. When I think of the almost permanent sense of anger back "home" - the impotent rage around the braai, the furious politics saturating all media - I sometimes wonder what I have to contribute here. There's only so much "well, back in..." you can subject a poor local to before they get tired of nodding in uncomprehending sympathy.

There was talk of the "vacation feeling" in the culture shock thread, and it helps immensely to try and keep that feeling alive.

There's an old saw about saying nothing if you have nothing good to say, and I think that sticking to that philosophy also helps. Do not say "back home, there was no public transport safe to use", say "the public transport here is great." Don't tell people things, ask them things. Say good things about their country. They love it just as much as South Africans love being told nice things about their country. I get so much "you're all right, mate" from laughing Aussies, that I honestly believe that I am, in fact, all right.

Try to always maintain a visitor's good manners, and you will be treated like a welcome visitor. It's not as good as being treated as a fellow countryman in terms of making you feel at home, but it's a lot better than being treated as a pesky foreigner, and it even helps to maintain a sense of wonder at things. Most Australian service employees have to deal with extremely foreign boat-people every other customer, and when you arrive at their desk and smilingly say, "I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but I'm a bit new to the country and I haven't done this before" you will be amazed at the smiles you get back. I have had happy staff members do unearthly things to help blithely ignorant me, and I have nearly always walked away more than satisfied.

One other thing I have found is very comforting is talking to immigrants and tourists from other nations. Heaven knows you get a wide selection to choose from in Sydney. Sharing amusement and wonder at the sights really resets your clock a bit. Spotless minds and all that.

After a while your sense of slightly forced polite pleasantness becomes a natural habit, and that's when you start to feel like you're a welcome local. When you see a very foreign person at odds with local staff, and can shoot both of them a knowing glance, you're doing fine.

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:ilikeit: Very nice perspective and ideas, thank you, Ladyfingers !
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Hi there

I'm afraid I have been one of those "readers" hanging out on the forum but just never got round to adding my 2cents!!

But we have now been here in Australia for 3 years and five months, have got our Aussie citizenship (HOORAY!!) and have been through the

"loop" that some of you are working your way through now.

Juliet,we also live in Adelaide now -after moving up from Mount Gambier on the Monday after Xmas. If you would like to PM me perhaps we can get together for a chat and a coffee in Adelaide. I truly believe that despite all the upheavals we go through during this migration process-this is a wonderful country to live in, I have made the most amzing friends here in Aussie who have stuck by me through thick and thin and love the thought of a future in this wonderful adopted country of ours.

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  • 1 year later...

I remember reading this topic before was left South Africa. We did not leave SA because of the crime - we had many reasons but it basically boiled down to wanting more opportunities and a better future for our daughters (aged 4 and 5). We have been in Perth for 12 days now and I am finding it really hard. The last 2 months before we left were v difficult - tiring, stressful, difficult to deal with family and friends' emotions about our leaving, but most of the time I was coping (although I had terrible insomnia and needed to get something from my GP eventually to get some sleep). Now that we are here, we have a car and are house-sitting. My husband got a job in 2 days so on paper we have been incredibly blessed and lucky. But I am still finding it so hard - I feel tired, empty and depressed. Intellectually I know this is normal and to be expected but this doesn't make it easier! I just miss being around people who know me and I know. I know it will get easier when the girls start school, but it will take years to develop the relationships I have lost. I check my email a lot and what for 12 noon as it is 6am in Durban and maybe someone might email me.

Can anyone relate to this?

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Hi Leahjuliet,

Moving is very difficult, and especially moving countries. We have also just recently arrived. I found the time just before we left RSA to be the most difficult, and many times I thought of not going through with the move - it's the push pull phenomenon that's been spoken about before on the forum. Did you visit Australia before? I found that having visited Australia last year really helped though. I think if I had landed without visiting before I would have felt exactly as you are feeling now - everything different, not knowing anyone, which doctor to choose, where to live, people you normally speak to are 8 hours away. I almost didn't want to come back here after the LSD, because I saw how different it seemed to be. It is definitely a culture shock. And also perhaps a bit of an anti-climax? - before one just had to get through and make the move, now there's time to sit back and think about things, and more time on one's hands? What I have been trying is to just relax, not make too many big moves now (though renting was a biggie!), and am trying to get a routine in place, and just get through the initial adjustment period. I really hope you feel better soon.

Edited by Tree
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Hi Leahjuliet,

Moving is very difficult, and especially moving countries. We have also just recently arrived. I found the time just before we left RSA to be the most difficult, and many times I thought of not going through with the move - it's the push pull phenomenon that's been spoken about before on the forum. Did you visit Australia before? I found that having visited Australia last year really helped though. I think if I had landed without visiting before I would have felt exactly as you are feeling now - everything different, not knowing anyone, which doctor to choose, where to live, people you normally speak to are 8 hours away. I almost didn't want to come back here after the LSD, because I saw how different it seemed to be. It is definitely a culture shock. And also perhaps a bit of an anti-climax? - before you just had to get through and make the move, now there's time to sit back and think about things, and more time on your hands. I'd suggest just trying to relax, don't make too many big moves now, but try to get a routine in place, and just get through the initial adjustment period. I really hope you feel better soon.

Thanks . WE did do a visit here last year in September which helped with the more tangible stuff - i know how different the houses look (which shocked both my husband and I when we were here last year), what the supermarkets are etc. I remember feeling stunned after our LSD. This time round the practical stuff is manageable. What is hard the lack of family and friends. I think things will get better when the girls are in school, we are renting and when our container arrives - which will only be early Aug thanks to the Transnet strike!!

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I know how you feel about missing family and friends - I wish I could pop around for a visit, or go to my doctor - still need to find one! It feels a bit weird camping out too in a rental, especially as we had furnished accommodation for the first two weeks - I think our container is also going to take ages to arrive. The worst for me is the unfamiliarity though - I am finding I only am getting to know some of the areas a bit now. The roads are so unfamiliar. Highways become streets through suburbs, and then big roads again. All the best. :)

Edited by Tree
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Am feeling a bit more cheerful as I see someone else going through it too! It is all v character-building. I can't believe people actuallly think immigrating is escaping or an easy way out because it has been the hardest thing I have ever done!

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Migrating is very difficult! You are welcome to PM me if you'd like to chat, perhaps via email. Just a pity we are on different sides of Australia. It does get easier as time goes by, but I have always thought you can't really replace the people you leave behind, you can only meet new people. Take care. :)

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 month later...
[quote name='Julie K' date='Aug 2 2008, 12:55 PM' post='142140'

I also wonder how long it takes to feel like one fits in with the people here. I work with the most wonderful people; caring and considerate and so trusting to the point of naivete, I think. I feel so inadequate next to them at times because I feel very cynical about alot of things and often feel really angry and am certainly no longer trusting. My interactions with the Ozzies I work with are fraught with ambivalent feelings. They appear so psychologically unblemished compared with many of us South Africans and although I understand the reasons for this difference, I sometimes think I will never truly relate to them. I just hope I am not alone in feeling like such a misfit.

Great summary Julie. I share your ambivalence. I have had (and continue to have) a very hard time interacting with Australians, for those reasons. I am amazed that 19 months after moving here I have not met one Australian I would really want to befriend. I have had a tough time adapting, to say the least. I find the conversations I have completely boring and irrelevant. I sometimes just look on in amazement and wonder 'Where is your personality?'. No doubt this is what's keeping me isolated. :blush: But I really don't mind. I find even going to the shops a huge chore and actively avoid people now. I seem to be misunderstood quite often and have had several run-ins with what I perceive to be rude, arrogant people.

........

To make matters worse I do feel a huge amount of guilt for leaving parents (in their 60's and with no pensions), grand-parents (80+ and I am the apple of ther eye), my sister (not doing great financially), etc. I feel very, very angry about all this. I just feel I am in limbo, waiting for something better. :unsure: I cannot go forward and I cannot go back. I know I don't want to live in SA again, but this isn't really 'living' either. Will I ever be happy here? :unsure:

Edited by Jeanine
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and what happens to us now, almost here 2 years and cry for no reason, feel exactly like you do and still no friends, one very friendly ausie met online in a residents forum, but never socialised.......feel very alone, but must say, most days happy and alive, but then the off days which i hate that makes me feel so weak, dont feel guilty for leaving SA, feel relieved, i just want to have a few friends that are like us and feel part of a social structure again

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I remember reading this topic before was left South Africa. We did not leave SA because of the crime - we had many reasons but it basically boiled down to wanting more opportunities and a better future for our daughters (aged 4 and 5). We have been in Perth for 12 days now and I am finding it really hard. The last 2 months before we left were v difficult - tiring, stressful, difficult to deal with family and friends' emotions about our leaving, but most of the time I was coping (although I had terrible insomnia and needed to get something from my GP eventually to get some sleep). Now that we are here, we have a car and are house-sitting. My husband got a job in 2 days so on paper we have been incredibly blessed and lucky. But I am still finding it so hard - I feel tired, empty and depressed. Intellectually I know this is normal and to be expected but this doesn't make it easier! I just miss being around people who know me and I know. I know it will get easier when the girls start school, but it will take years to develop the relationships I have lost. I check my email a lot and what for 12 noon as it is 6am in Durban and maybe someone might email me.

Can anyone relate to this?

Where are you staying now?

It is very hard, you have to get to know somebody that has been a while so that they can take you on shopping therapy, you will never remember where but you will have a better feeling when you get home.

Once the girls are in school, then also look for a Part Time job with hours that suit you, that helped me too, just to get out between the walls of depression. Shame not nice, but we have been here now for 2 1/2 years, and I totally love it, I will never trade it in to go back to SA.

Send a pm if you need to chat.....

Chin up, chest out, you can do it....

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Hi All... Reading this topic has really made me sit up and wonder if leaving SA is the best thing to do.... As one of those who feels so impatient and just wants to get things moving so we can apply for a visa - I read how sad so mny of you are and wonder if in the end it is really worth while.... One of my bosses went to Oz several years ago and after one year he returned. He said he felt like a refugee and nobody understood his sense of humour. I must mention that he is probably going to move to UK now...or in the not too distant future...

Still nobody can really understand what immigrating is really like.. I see it as an adventure and look forward to experiencing a new culture and getting away from Taxis and corrupt politics etc... crime out of control and AA, BEE and EE....

Is it worthwhile??? Please tell me it is or all this energy is going to waste....

Leaving is the right thing to do, even if you get here and you are lonely, feel homesick, cry sometimes, but you have to make it better for yourself and being here is better for you and your family.

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Hi

I was the person with a very gloomy post in mid-June. We have now been here for 3 and a half months and are feeling much more settled. Having a proper place to rent and our furniture around us has helped a lot. We are slowly starting to build relationships from scratch. We have actually found the Australians we have met through our church and my husband through work to be very friendly and welcoming. We both have our down days (esp Sunday) but I am not so reliant on emails from home (at one stage I was living for lunchtime as then it was morning in Durban).

Our biggest concern is being able to afford a house but we both feel we really have made the right decision and that the benefits of the move outweigh the negatives. But we have both made a big effort to talk to being, take up every invitation etc. I have helped out at the school to try to meet people as well.

You do have to be committed to the move though

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Hi

I was the person with a very gloomy post in mid-June. We have now been here for 3 and a half months and are feeling much more settled. Having a proper place to rent and our furniture around us has helped a lot. We are slowly starting to build relationships from scratch. We have actually found the Australians we have met through our church and my husband through work to be very friendly and welcoming. We both have our down days (esp Sunday) but I am not so reliant on emails from home (at one stage I was living for lunchtime as then it was morning in Durban).

Our biggest concern is being able to afford a house but we both feel we really have made the right decision and that the benefits of the move outweigh the negatives. But we have both made a big effort to talk to being, take up every invitation etc. I have helped out at the school to try to meet people as well.

You do have to be committed to the move though

Hi Leahjuliet

I am also from Durban and have been in Perth now for one and a half years - where are you staying in Perth? We could chat about Durbs if you want and I can share my Perth experiences with you.....a burden shared is a burden halved!

Cheers

Leostar

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  • 3 weeks later...

Oh dear, so I am not so wierd after all! My husband and I arrived in August, very brave as we never came for a look - see (I think that is a LSD?) We knew that it was going to be tough, but I was not prepared for HOW tough! It seems I must give it 2 years, if I can hold on that long! Probably was a good thing that we did not come here first to have a look around as I think we would still be at home in SA. I feel stupid most of the time as everything seems to be so different and I don't know what is required or expected of one. i understand that it is the best thing to have done, but the heart does not always listen to the head. I also had sleep deprivation for a while but that seems to have improved. Cant wait for our furninture to arrive them i am sure it will be better, at least there will be familiar stuff around. Anyone in Sydney interested in a cup of coffee or a chat some time?

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