My Epiphany!!

[Ajay]

So, after spending a mostly sleepless night, trying to figure out it is that is causing us to disagree with each other, take emotional stand-points, cling desperately to the moral high-ground etcetera, I had an epiphany in the early hours of this morning. Well, in fact, I had two. The first one was along the lines of “omigod, I need to deal with this obsessive compulsive disorder that has developed with regards to the forum (could it be called forumitis?? Surely losing sleep over it isn’t normal!) and the second was the realisation that we are doomed to disagree and what we need to learn is how to do it without assuming that the opposing party is wrong. Why doomed? Well, simply because we are living on different continents for good reason – we have different needs, priorities and expectations. Note that the emphasis here is on the word different. So, what Zak sees as great opportunities, I might see has horrendous hardship. What Riekie perceives to be safety and security, Janine might experience as bland and boring. And so it goes on. What I’ve also realised is that we will always, always find a way to defend our decisions – we need to. When I was living in SA, I found many, many reasons for being there, despite the fact that my parents and many friends had left. I also saw the ‘rainbow nation’, the sense of Ubuntu and the economic posterity. I tuned out the negatives, because I needed to in order to stay sane. In order to live there, I couldn’t pay attention to the crime stats, the political instability, the AIDS epidemic or the unemployment. I focussed on all the things that were going well and felt good about living there.

The day the doubts started to creep in (and I remember it to the day….down to the last detail – even the program that I was watching on TV at the time!!!) I threw off this protective armour and started paying more attention to the things that I had ignored up till then. I let myself experience everything without switching channels when the news was too depressing. I acknowledged that all was not perfect. Then I applied for a job in Sydney and was lucky enough to get it. Once I’d pretty much made up my mind that I should consider a move, I started to tune out the positives about SA – I needed to do that in order to make the leap and move across the world, leaving behind everything that was familiar to me. Where before I’d seen a rainbow nation, I now saw a bubbling cauldron of intolerance. Where I’d seen Ubuntu, I now saw every man for himself and to hell with the rest. The crime stats were real to me, I acknowledged that as a mother of 2 young boys, AIDS was a real threat. The booming economy suddenly didn’t make up for the fact that my husband had been unemployed for a number of years. I started to resent everything that SA stood for and this resentment helped me to make the move with excitement and relief. When I first landed in Australia, I was terrified. But I spoke to myself every night and reminded myself why I’d left – I focussed on the negative in SA and on all the positives in Australia. Now, a few months in, I’m able to see things in a more balanced way, and acknowledge that Australia also isn’t perfect. And I have no doubt that if I decided to leave here and go elsewhere, I would be able to find enough things wrong with it that I could catapult myself into action. I still feel resentment towards SA, but I’m sure that once I’m fully settled here, that will start to wane and I’ll allow myself to remember the good as well as the bad.

My point (yes, there is one amongst this long-winded diatribe ) is that we will find the justification and evidence to support whatever decision is right for us. And arguing with each other is pointless! We are not going to change each others minds! We are not going to get someone to say “geez, you’re right, Sydney is a hellhole, I gotta get outta here!”

So, maybe we need to agree that we will often disagree – depending on where we are. Those that have moved will almost always be more negative than positive towards SA, especially if they’ve only recently moved (still dealing with all the resentment that was needed in order to make the move). Those that have decided to stay will almost always be more negative than positive towards Australia. No one is right and certainly, no one is wrong.

Let’s just not lose sight of what it is that we are trying to do here – offer advice and information to those that have questions around Australia. We can’t possible be unbiased – we will always favour the country that we are in. But I think that we are all big and ugly enough to deal with that without having to launch an attack on each other.

Thanks for listening (reading) and I look forward to your collective response!

Cheers

Ajay

[NZHigh]

As you so rightly mentioned in your 3rd to last paragraph,

It's called 'Justification'.

Exactly the same issues here in New Zealand amongst South African Kiwis, or prospective SA Kiwis and those that do a LSD and opt to stay in South Africa.

That's what it's all about. (Well partly then). Options.

"...What Riekie perceives to be safety and security, Janine might experience as bland and boring. And so it goes on. "

I remember some 7/8 odd years ago on SABC's 'Becketts Trek' he spent 2 episodes 'nogal' on migration to Aus, mostly positive. But the punchline at the end of his 2 hours on migrating to a 'safe' haven like Aus (or NZ/ Canada for that matter) was that frankly he would miss living life on the edge. (referring mostly to the crime situation).

I wondered long and hard about that one (as we were contemplating our migration options and I tend to be adventurous) and after about 60 seconds decided I could live without that particular 'edge'

Great, no GREAT was my/our surprize when we arrived in New Zealand (doesn't really matter where) and realised how near dead our lives were in SA and how we really started enjoying life again. And by that I mean the small things, the things that are taken for granted in places like Aus, NZ and Canada. Not the big mountain/ rock climbing, 4x4 clubbing type of thing. That one can do everywhere. (and I have)(I hope you understand what I am trying to say here). It was like an earthly rebirth, a real eye opener. The area where we moved to in Auckland instantly became our home. And home is where the heart is. And that is absolutely fantastic.

Good post Ajay.

Edited March 16, 2006 by NZHigh

[Caroline]

Ajay

Well written girl. Did you really have a sleepless night? Eish.......

But you are so right (well, in my humble opinion anyway).

[Riekie]

Well said Ajay! I think you have excellently verbalised what most of us (on both sides of the fence ) were thinking and trying to get across! We will simply never agree - and with good reason (for both sides).

However, the sadness (and tragedy) still remains in that away from the forum and on a personal level, we still have to deal with (some of) our real life friends and family who will go to almost any length to judge our decisions and try to proof us wrong. (Maybe you can find the wisdom during another sleepless night on how to solve that one...... ).

[Janine]

Good post, Ajay, and I agree with most of the things you said.

So as long as everybody can agree to disagree and not launch vehement personal attacks on somebody who might have a different opinion than your own, then that’s fine by me!

And yes, we should all try and keep focused on the main purpose of this forum – to give (and receive) advice, support and info where needed.

Janine.

[boo]

Hi Ajay

I have not been on the forum very long. At this stage I basically try to read everything and take in what people feel. Its great. I was just wondering. Everybody seem to concentrate on things in SA. I know things in Sa, the good and the bad. However, I don't know Australia. I would love for someone to actually write about Australia. Not only about how beautiful and safe it is (I get that, it's obvious), but how life is?? Does it feel the same to work in Australia than it did in SA? Is work work? Do you have lots of time for your family? How demanding is life? What is leave like in Australia? How do you spend your holidays? Does it differ from SA? How soon do you adjust to the difference in culture? I am not scared, just curious. I do believe it is in your own hands to be happy or unhappy. That is not what I am worried about.

Thanks for all your wonderful tips and help. Wish I were where you are already!

boo

[Mara]

Well said Ajay!

[Mr Van]

I agree mostly.

My case however is simplistic. My 2 year old child will form her culture and view of the world from the environment she is in - now. We as parents have the choice (since it is within our power to make that choice): Stay in SA and live a comfortable life (face it, we don't have a bad lifestyle once you get to 'ignore' the crime, etc) now, but potentially limit your child by means of education, crime and economic potential, OR Move now, stake some strain, but increase the potential of your child's future.

I cannot therefore stay in SA and enjoy life now (and live on the edge, bla, bla) at the cost of my child's future. So it's real simple. Take the pain now while you have the means.

My view on SA is not one of doom and gloom, and I do not filter out the good news to stay motivated to move to Oz. I dont need to, and in fact, I'm trying my best to keep my house in SA so that I could maybe retire here again someday (after my child has left the nest) - you never know.

One thing that must be strongly emphasized I think is exactly your proposal - to keep this forum as an information exchange medium, and not a vent for random gripes (unless of course in the appropriate sections).

I am impressed with this community and would hate to see it get damaged.

[Guest mrs mupersan]

Ajay.... I vehemently disagree!!!!! I'm not ugly!!!!

Other than that, thanks for that brilliant post!!! I couldn't have put it better myself!

[LeaveLeft]

Well said Ajay !!!

You should take something for the insomnia (is there a spellchecker on here??)

Leza

[Guest natalie3]

The boere couldnt even agree on one great trek..what makes u think we could agree on the hot topics that arise on this forum?

I think the odd heated debate is what keeps this forum alive and cooking...

Sleep well tonight Ajay..,there is no need to stress out so much about a few heated debates.

[Ajay]

Hey guys

It's fascinating that this post is back - if you check the date, you'll see I wrote it more than 2 years ago!!!!! Having re-read it now, with another couple of experience lines on my face (I refuse to call them worry lines ) it all still rings true! Which is a relief. It also sounds suspiciously like the post I popped on the other day - so my views (and sadly, the insomnia) have at least stayed pretty much unchanged:D

Cheers!

Ajay

[Eva]

Hey guys

It's fascinating that this post is back - if you check the date, you'll see I wrote it more than 2 years ago!!!!! Having re-read it now, with another couple of experience lines on my face (I refuse to call them worry lines ) it all still rings true! Which is a relief. It also sounds suspiciously like the post I popped on the other day - so my views (and sadly, the insomnia) have at least stayed pretty much unchanged:D

Cheers!

Ajay

You sum up what it is like going through the process, two years later.

A really good original post!

[AllisonW]

Ajay,

Thanks for a good thought provoking post. You are right that there is no one reality for people leaving the country. Each of us have our own experiences but we also have our points of commonality. I think that this forum is fantastic in that it allows us to talk about the practical experiences as well as the emotions that we are feeling. We just have to master being constructive instead of destructive and that doesnt have to mean agreeing.

I think the message is: Keep sharing whatever the theme, topic, gripe. It is going to make sense to someone on this forum even if others may disagree. This forum is alive because of all of our input.

Al