Migration is not for sissies - very good article

[bienkie]

Migration is not for sissies, that’s for sure. Anyone leaving their country of birth permanently, for whatever reason, can verify this fact. New roots take a very long time to gain a foothold in foreign soil, but patience and a good sense of humour can help you over the hurdles until you can honestly say: ‘This has become my home.’

Elbie van Coller, a counselling psychologist practising in Sydney, chose immigration as subject for her Master’s thesis. She returned to university in the mid-90s after teaching in South Africa for 16 years. She was halfway through her Psychology studies when the family moved from South Africa to Australia in 2001. The subject of her thesis was the logical result of her own situation at the time.

Elbie interviewed numerous South African and other immigrants during her first few years in Australia and did countless research on the subject of immigration. She found it a strange experience to be talking to people and gathering information regarding their experience of the immigration process, while simultaneously going through the same process of adaptation herself. Elbie is an authority on the theoretical as well as the practical aspects of this process.

At her popular and insightful seminars on migration adaptation, Elbie explains the phases of immigration, which are quite similar to the phases of grief and bereavement. Merely listening to her brings huge relief. You realise that you weren’t losing your marbles when you suffered nasty bouts of depression and exhausting nightmares in the initial phases after your arrival.

Elbie clearly distinguishes FOUR PHASES IN THE PROCESS OF MIRGRATION ADAPTION through her research and many interviews:

1. THE PUSH/PULL PHASE

The first phase, known as the push/pull phase, starts before you have even left the motherland. Questions begin to haunt you: Should we or shouldn’t we? What if I can’t find work? How will the kids adjust? Will we be able to make new friends?

Refugees are motivated mainly by Push. They merely want to get away – from war, famine, crime, persecution or whatever is forcing them to leave their motherland. Refugees are not too fussed about where they go – any country looks better than the one from which they are escaping.

Emigrants are motivated mainly by Pull. Their present situation might not be too bad, but opportunities in the new country look better – that is typical of the Pull phase.

A balance between Push and Pull means you’ll probably be happier and adapt better to your new country. Too much Push and you get stuck in the phase where you keep reminding yourself why you left your motherland. You keep reading the news to remind yourself of how bad things were over there; you keep discussing the same topics with fellow migrants and keep fanning the fires. What you are doing is keeping the Push alive, which isn’t good for your long term adjustment.

Too much Pull, on the other hand, can lead to unrealistic expectations. The new country is never going to be the Utopia of your dreams – you’re bound to encounter frustrations and stumbling blocks along the way. Your new compatriots won’t uniformly be nice, friendly or helpful – people are people, the world over.

Elbie tells the tale of an old man, sitting on top of a hill between two villages.

One day a passing traveller asked the old man: ‘How are things in the village beyond this hill?’ ‘The village where I come from is a terrible place where people are angry, unhappy and constantly fighting, and living conditions are appalling.’
The old man replied: ‘The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.’

A second traveller passed by and also asked the old man: ‘How are things in the village beyond this hill? The village where I come from is a lovely place where people are loyal and helpful and live happily together.’ Again, the old man replied: ‘The village beyond the hill is just like the one from which you have come.’

Often, your expectations dictate what you’ll experience in life. It reminds one of Henry Ford’s famous words: ‘If you think you can do a thing, or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.’

The emigration process starts before you depart, as in your mind you have already begun adapting. At this point the stress starts building. Packing up an entire house and a complete life, is unbelievably stressful. That is without mentioning all the forms, certificates, interviews, tests, declarations and documents adding to the stress build-up! And then we haven’t even mentioned the Great Goodbye … as some wit once said, there is no ‘good’ in goodbye!

2. THE HONEYMOON PHASE

After arriving in the new country, all seems new and exciting, foreign and different. The newly arrived immigrant is hyper-sensitive; notices every little detail and intensely experiences every novelty: Products on the shelves look different; the traffic light phases are longer; speed limits are lower; drivers are courteous and patient; homes seldom have front fences and walls which mostly serve as a decoration; the most serious burglar barring in front of windows is a mosquito screen; often homes have no garages, just a carport; cars are left in the street overnight and people walk the streets alone . . . even late at night.

While finely tuned in to all these novelties, you still feel ignorant at the same time – you have to discover and learn everything from scratch; how to rent or buy a house; how the school system works; how to put petrol in your car or how to obtain a telephone and internet access. You struggle to understand all the foreign accents and expressions and regularly need to ask people to talk more slowly or to repeat themselves. You find yourself having to re-learn all that you have previously taken for granted.

This second phase tends to flash by quickly as you single-mindedly try to focus and get a grip on everything happening around you.

3. THE CRISIS PHASE

Within a year or so as the dust settles, you start asking yourself: Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?

This phase is usually accompanied by intense emotions: loss and grief on the one hand and accumulated stress on the other. This is the time you start realising how much still needs to be done … you’ve been hard at this life-building business for almost two years and it’s not getting easier. In fact, it feels as if you’re getting nowhere.

LOSS AND GRIEF

What do you lose?

You leave behind people, places, familiar faces and vistas that you dearly love. You leave your language and your culture: everything suddenly feels remote and you may feel empty inside, lost and lonely. You experience a sense of disassociation; everything around you feels unreal, you do not feel real yourself. You lose your sense of being an accomplished human being. Over the years, you’ve accumulated knowledge and experience; you were a good organiser; you had a reliable network of people around you.

Then one day you choose to board a plane and not long after arrival you find yourself feeling lost, forlorn and ignorant. You doubt everything: what is right or wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. You feel a sense of insecurity. Many migrants leave their homeland due to insecurity and now find themselves with a similar insecurity, although for different reasons.

You could even start doubting your own identity and status. Your impressive CV, years of work experience and higher degrees don’t necessarily guarantee a red carpet welcome. Lawyer, doctor, teacher, psychologist … ‘Have you practised in Australia or New Zealand? Not yet? Sorry … ne-e-ext!’ That loss of identity is extremely difficult to process, especially for men, who are usually the breadwinner and often base their identity on their careers. When the husband isn’t able to find work, but his wife works and generates an income, it can create friction in a marriage. Immigrant marriages often fail because of this, because it exacerbates the existing tension and ruins relationships. People often resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms like overeating, drinking, gambling, etc. This becomes a vicious circle, placing even more stress on a marriage.

In such a crisis, you often also feel a sense of guilt. You feel guilty about your parents, children and relatives you left behind. You enter a phase of incessant questioning: Did we do the right thing? Shouldn’t we go back? Is this the right place for us? Is this the right place for our children?

Depression and anger are common in this phase: Anger at your motherland’s government, anger at your new government, anger at your spouse – especially if you’re not the one who instigated the move – anger at yourself, at your local council,
the traffic on the roads … You are angry at the world and the world should know it.

ACCUMULATED STRESS

What makes new migrants stressed?

The ‘ignorance’ factor – you realise you still have a lot to learn and it is happening too slowly.

The financial factor – you quickly learn to divide your South African rands by ten and everything here is more expensive. A house costs much more than in South Africa and childcare, housecleaning and gardening are particularly expensive … you often don’t earn enough to cover your financial needs.

The housework factor – the whole family needs to lend a hand with cleaning, laundry, cooking and gardening. This can cause serious conflict in households where people were used to domestic and outdoor help. Elbie laughs about the day she realised, ‘Here I am in the “promised land” with a toilet brush in my hand!

The communication factor – if we don’t talk and negotiate about the things that bother or irritate us, stress will accumulate even more. We need more than ever to communicate, negotiate and have heaps of patience.

4. THE ADJUSTMENT AND ACCEPTANCE PHASE

By year three or four, the adjustment phase slowly turns into a phase of settling in. You ‘get’ typical Ozzie or Kiwi jokes.You feel more at home; you start forgetting about your high expectations and become comfortable with your present conditions. You have new friends and a support network. You start establishing your own identity … in short, you are beginning to feel settled.

A good way to develop your own identity is to ‘adopt’ a shopping centre or a busy street. Find a regular coffee shop, support the same baker, butcher, pharmacy or hairdresser.

Get to know the owners and before long, you’ll be described by the butcher as the lady who always orders lamb neck, or the bloke who’s there for the oxtail. Or when the hairdresser asks, ‘Same as last time?’ you’ll know for certain: ‘This is my place.’

WHAT MAKES A SUCCESSFUL IMMIGRANT?

Acceptance – the ability to distinguish between what you can and cannot change and acceptance of the fact.

The resolve to live the best possible life you can live in your new country.

A strong sense of motivation and commitment – Victor Frankl said: ‘We have the freedom to decide our own motivation and attitude.’ Decide to be positive – you always have a choice.

A moral or spiritual source to draw strength from – like belonging to a church or like-minded group.

A positive attitude – towards your host country and its people. That makes life so much easier for you and everyone around you.

A good sense of humour – If you can laugh through your tears, you will make it.

ALSO KEEP IN MIND

Good social skills allow you to get along better and more easily with others.

People with realistic (as opposed to unrealistic) expectations adjust better.

Common sense is far more important than a high IQ.

Good physical health is very important, especially in times of high stress and tension. A healthy, strong and fit body better can handle almost anything.

See things from another perspective – the Ozzies or Kiwis don’t necessarily need you, but you need them. Remember how you felt about immigrants in your motherland – the Greek or Portuguese café owner or green grocer who couldn’t understand you very well … you are now in the same boat.

Make new friends quickly by joining an organisation of your choice: a sports club, a sewing group, a church group, a library, a hiking group, a writing group – the possibilities are endless. You may even consider enrolling for a short course at a college or community centre.

Use and rely on the strength of your family and the people close to you and keep them cohesive.

If you have problems, get help! Ask your family members to help, or your doctor, your pastor, your pharmacist, your neighbour or your friends – anyone you can trust.

And last but definitely not least: the ‘promised land’ is in your mind. You will get there when you are ready.

This article appeared in the first issue of Merise and is published again by popular demand. Elbie van Coller’s contact details: www.elbie.com.au / elbievancoller@icloud.com / +61 (2) 9440 2209 / +61 (413) 877 004

[SurferMan]

Thank goodness I seemed to have skipped all these, collected $200 and went straight to Begin! Not sure how I would have handled it if I had all these phases!

[rozellem]

Elbie van Coller practices in Sydney and by all accounts is very, very good at what she does. I know people who have wanted to dump husbands/run back to RSA and she has talked them down and turned them into happy spouses/successful immigrants. She is bilingual, a mom, wife, immigrant herself and just gets all the hurdles we experience.

[Rhyss]

Thank goodness I seemed to have skipped all these, collected $200 and went straight to Begin! Not sure how I would have handled it if I had all these phases!

more like you collected $200 and went straight to denial

surferman, you may have missed this section.......too much push

Too much Push and you get stuck in the phase where you keep reminding yourself why you left your motherland. You keep reading the news to remind yourself of how bad things were over there; you keep discussing the same topics with fellow migrants and keep fanning the fires. What you are doing is keeping the Push alive, which isn’t good for your long term adjustment.

Edited May 3, 2015 by Rhyss

[SurferMan]

Sorry Rhyss,

I actually almost never touch on the old stuff in conversations with both Aussies and ex-Saffers. Have to love the way people define the stages though, and then try to put boxes around people. . I accept my new surroundings. and don't deny anything of it, past or present. The main thing with me is my ability to adapt to new terrain, and use it to my advantage. I am fully adjusted and love the Aussie way of life. No regrets, life is too short to be a sour old bastard, so my glass stopped being half full to being overflowing most days years ago when I changed my outlook and atitude on life.

Like I said, glad I didn't have those classic issues. I do feel for those who go through each of those. Me, Im just easy going.

[Rhyss]

I thought it was a brilliant summary that Elbie van Coller has put together. I've been in Aus about the same time as she has and I've probably been a psych, preacher, brother, father, social worker, lawyer and motivational speaker to a good few Saffa's that have sat in my lounge, around my BBQ or across my desk applying for jobs. I can relate to every single step that Elbie speaks of and undoubtedly the most common is what she refers to as the "push phase".

I do not spend much time on these discussion boards. I feel that I've moved on from SA. I visit because I have family there but I enjoy coming home, Aus feels like home. I pop onto the discussion forums from time to time and share some info but having a great interest in the mindset of fellow migrants, I mainly read their stories and enjoy learning about their experiences.

So, next time you find yourself scouring SA online news and sharing the doom 'n gloom stories or running SA down at every opportunity just remember that's YOUR coping mechanism kicking in, you just don't know it

[Mara]

Rhyss, most of the folk on these "discussion boards" are either looking for information on Australia or we are assisting those same people by paying it forward and answering their questions!

[Rhyss]

Rhyss, most of the folk on these "discussion boards" are either looking for information on Australia or we are assisting those same people by paying it forward and answering their questions!

Mara, most of the folks looking for info on these discussion boards get what they want and move on. The one's that hang around are getting more out of it than just "paying it forward". It's a great form of therapy, they just don't know it...or maybe they do?

These DB's become a hangout for like minded people, typically those who fall into what Elbie van Coller refers to as the "push phase". It's really easy to see. All someone needs to do is post something positive about SA or mention returning and very quickly the regulars spring into action. But hey, feel free to post all the bad news from SA and there's a chorus of agreement.....from the regulars

BTW, I enjoyed reading BriD's post about their recent visit to SA. She mentioned a very important point and to her a realisation that people can be happy in SA. I'm sure she's been left wondering..."what have I missed?" Just because you're not happy with certain circumstances does not mean that others feel the same way. Yes they are mindful off the shortfalls, failures, risks, corruption, bad governance etc but they get on with their lives and they seem to enjoy it, just like much of my family and friends in SA. Meanwhile people who have made the move spend a considerable portion of their time in their now found happiness reading and sharing bad news stories from SA and making sure those who remain behind are okay with their decision to stay. That's what I believe Elbie refers to as the "push phase" scenario.

[SurferMan]

Err,

Not so sure I'm in agreement. So if someone posts an event in South Africa and it's cold fact, but "negative" then they are categorised as being in denial/Push Phase? Methinks the classification is a bit stiff mate.

I find it mildly ironic you have listed your location as Nkandla...hoping for an upgrade soon?

Anyways, as Mara says, the majority of people here are helping others with information pertaining to emigration. I got helped by Mara, Jody and others, and in turn I help others in my small way.

I'm one of those pesky posters who occasionally commit grave sin by posting or discussing a "negative" event from South Africa. I also plead guilty to being biased towards Australia, sort of a bastardised Stockholm Syndrome...

People cope every day in South Africa and I admire them for their courage and tenacity. Me, I had an option and asked God to let me come to Aus, and He did. Now I live in peace and harmony most days!

But I am happy for you to put the Push Phase box around me, just brace for disappoint though, because when you come looking for me in it, I won't be there!

[HansaPlease]

Rhyss, whilst I appreciate the article is a great article, and has some very valid stages that I can also identify with - you can't diagnose everybody on this forum or claim to know why we keep coming back. People are not tick boxes, we are all different. And I genuinely do like helping people.

I'm also a member of whirlpool forums, where I discuss all sorts of things from jobs, study, cars and lifestyle matters - what sort of therapy would you say I'm seeking there?

I also discuss rugby in rugby forums. Although you can argue that being a Sharks fan at the moment does qualify a person to seek therapy... My point is - I'm there because I like discussing common interests.

[Rhyss]

haha, I changed my location to Nkandla, I knew I'd get a comment, thanks Surferman

Hansa, isn't that why we're here on this DB, to hang out with fellow Saffa's? People who have been through the same experiences and those that will go though the same, people we can relate to. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact I wish these types of forums were as readily available in 2000 when I was researching and planning my groot trek. BUT it's very obvious that these expat discussion groups attract a large portion of people who like to run SA down, it just makes them feel better. Maybe it's the push factor, maybe it's justification but then again I'm no psychologist, I'm an engineer

[Mara]

Rhyss, for someone who does not like forums, you are surely spending a lot of time here trying to put us in all the little boxes that you seem to favour.

You do no know any of us personally, and not two of us are alike... we have different views on almost anything, that assists people to get an opionion from all sides.

I am also one of those that landed feet first, I am totally happy in Australia and have been since the day I arrived, 19 years ago. I never went through any of the stages mentioned... and neither do I live in lala land, I am quite sane!

[Rhyss]

Rhyss, for someone who does not like forums, you are surely spending a lot of time here trying to put us in all the little boxes that you seem to favour.

You do no know any of us personally, and not two of us are alike... we have different views on almost anything, that assists people to get an opionion from all sides.

I am also one of those that landed feet first, I am totally happy in Australia and have been since the day I arrived, 19 years ago. I never went through any of the stages mentioned... and neither do I live in lala land, I am quite sane!

where did I say I don't like these forums? I've participated (and still do) on a few different forums and I can say with a great deal of confidence that the behaviour of a vast majority of forum members is exactly the same. That is why I enjoyed the views (research) from Elbie van Coller, it makes perfect sense.

PS! it's quite common for people to keep telling other forum members how happy they are in Aus. Is it a case of constant reassurance or just the need to tell others how happy they are? In the space of a few comments on this thread both you and Surferman have felt the need to assure everyone that you guys are incredibly happy. I'm happy for you, both of you

Edited May 5, 2015 by Rhyss

[Kimmykins]

Perhaps they simply are just happy....and perhaps its cause their blinkers fell off a long time ago.

Either way, its a good Forum. I'm happy for the encouragement it offers newbies and wanttobenewbies, I'm grateful for the help and endless source of first-hand information which is invaluable (try finding a book in SA anywhere that gives you the info you can get on here - I've tried) And the support the other forumites offer is priceless.

Immigration is not easy, whether you are going for "push or pull" either way you felt urged enough to make the decision to uproot your life and start over. Looking for reassurance from others is human nature. Looking back for assurance on why you made the decision, is human too. I am sure many other major decisions in one’s life, will go through the same "steps" as stated in Elbie's article, it simply boils down to a simple "Pro's and Con's" list and making an educated as possible choice.

[RedPanda]

I like the article, it's always good to know how other people are dealing with things and why. It helps with planning your own stuff and basically with understanding your fellow human beings. We haven't moved yet, but some of the things mentioned there are reassuring to me, like the confirmation that a good realistic mindset will go a very long way.

(btw "we" is myself and my husband, he feels the same way about this as I do)

Whenever I speak to friends or family about our choice to migrate I also mention that I feel one's country is pretty much the same as one's partner: There is no such thing as a perfect person/country, only one that is perfect for you. And I think it is wonderful that the age we live in has made so many locations more accessible to the average person, it has increased one's options tremendously.

We are in the fortunate position that we knew from an early age (high school) that we were not the right people to continue living in SA and planning a future here. So we started looking at alternatives, and finally last year settled on Australia. Knowing that you are planning to leave a place so long in advance makes it possible to arrange a few of the short term things better, research some things, and make lifestyle changes while you still feel you have a choice about the matter, eg we expressly refused to get help in the house or garden knowing that in Oz it would be very expensive.

We also looked at all the cities we would consider living in, on our LSD trip, to help us at least pick a city we want to live in, because I think the city you choose can have an enormous impact on how you experience this new country. We got a wakeup on that one when we moved from Johannesburg to Pretoria, always loved Jozi, Pretoria never grew on us even after several years.

All things being said, I'm sure planning can only take one so far, and then you just have to jump and do it, and tackle situations as they arise. And I'm sure that peculiar little things will catch us off guard, but hopefully setting up the major things will take some of the stress off. We are however looking forward tremendously to finally landing and settling down. It will be the end result of about 10 years planning, research and hard work.

I love reading on the forum because it gives me sense of what people are going through, and allows me to think about some things in advance. I think it's a wonderful resource to have.

[SurferMan]

Lol @ Rhyss,

What you will find on this forum is the following:

1: We are tight

2: We move as a pack mostly

3: We share the ability to vary our views yet remain cohesive. I am sure there is a shrink term of that, or a box to put us in. I call it by it's complex term - "camraderie" It cannot be bought, sold, exchanged for any price.

I was gonna say sorry for not fitting in your box, but then again...

I am sure if the author of that article ever ran into me, she would need counselling, LOL.

lemme bow out with another denial "I love Aus!" :jester:

[Mara]

Rhyss, you wanted to know, so here it is.

I thought it was a brilliant summary that Elbie van Coller has put together. I've been in Aus about the same time as she has and I've probably been a psych, preacher, brother, father, social worker, lawyer and motivational speaker to a good few Saffa's that have sat in my lounge, around my BBQ or across my desk applying for jobs. I can relate to every single step that Elbie speaks of and undoubtedly the most common is what she refers to as the "push phase".

I do not spend much time on these discussion boards. I feel that I've moved on from SA. I visit because I have family there but I enjoy coming home, Aus feels like home. I pop onto the discussion forums from time to time and share some info but having a great interest in the mindset of fellow migrants, I mainly read their stories and enjoy learning about their experiences.

So, next time you find yourself scouring SA online news and sharing the doom 'n gloom stories or running SA down at every opportunity just remember that's YOUR coping mechanism kicking in, you just don't know it

[Rhyss]

Rhyss, you wanted to know, so here it is.

You see this is what I do not like about these forums Mara. People change what other people say and I can only think that it's to back up their view. I said I do not spend much time on these discussion boards (thank you for highlighting it). You said "for someone who does not like forums, you are surely spending a lot of time here" I ask again, WHERE DID I SAY I DO NOT LIKE FORUMS? I have less than 45 posts (to date) on this forum which proves that I do not spend much time on these forums. Seeing your response and how you're putting words into people's mouths just backs up my theory and reason as to why I'd rather not spend more time on these forums. I'm not stereo typing people who spend time on these forums, I'm stereo typing those that spend excessive time on ex SA forums. Based on the amount of posts and the topics of discussion lines up perfectly with the push/pull discussion.

[SurferMan]

ROFL,

@RHYSS you reminded me of this old joke:

Afrikaans policeman to observer "This are a crocodile."

Observer, "How do you know this?"

Policeman "Well, it were an akkidis (lizard) but I moered it until it admitted it was a crocodile!"

Rhyss, some people can relate to the Push thing, but I'll bet a dollar most of us are not there. Is it that hard to accept that many of us don't feel we are in the Push Phase box you are mentioning?

As for Mara and the wording, sure the EXACT text may have been a touch off, but you missed the entire INTENT and SPIRIT of what was written. And that is your challenge methinks, you see black and white. Whack the round peg until it fits the square hole.

Most of the forumites are just not that way. Maybe ease off the Maslow and Freud...? :jester:

I would be keen to hear your story on why you left South Africa though.

[blung]

You guys remind me of republicans and democrats having a friendly chat about a topic they are never going to agree on..

[SurferMan]

Hahaha,

Brilliant blung, always nice to inject some humour into the debate.

[Rhyss]

ROFL,

@RHYSS you reminded me of this old joke:

Afrikaans policeman to observer "This are a crocodile."

Observer, "How do you know this?"

Policeman "Well, it were an akkidis (lizard) but I moered it until it admitted it was a crocodile!"

Rhyss, some people can relate to the Push thing, but I'll bet a dollar most of us are not there. Is it that hard to accept that many of us don't feel we are in the Push Phase box you are mentioning?

As for Mara and the wording, sure the EXACT text may have been a touch off, but you missed the entire INTENT and SPIRIT of what was written. And that is your challenge methinks, you see black and white. Whack the round peg until it fits the square hole.

Most of the forumites are just not that way. Maybe ease off the Maslow and Freud...? :jester:

I would be keen to hear your story on why you left South Africa though.

Surferman, I've been reading a few of your posts and you never miss an opportunity to mention how happy you are in Aus. Maybe it's you moering that square peg into the round hole or maybe not having your personal butler is messing with your rationale

But yes, I don't mind sharing my story with you. Good friends of ours decided to emigrate and we were constantly bombarded with their reasoning. Everyday we'd hear a thousand reasons why it's so in SA and that our kids would stand no chance of escaping violent crime. Enough of this and I started to look for it myself. In fact I even started a scrapbook of newspaper clippings. My logic was that one day my kids would ask my why we moved away from SA and I could pull out my scrap book and show them. It was not too long and that's all we spoke about. Every time we heard a story of crime we relished in the idea that we were making the right decision. In fact I'm sure I became addicted to looking for bad news stories, after all I needed all the material I could get for my scrapbook. Added to this we had convinced ourselves that we were doing this for our kids.

It was 2000, I was in my early 30's and land not afraid of adventure. I made some enquiries and within a few short months we were looking at PR visas in our passports. So, with a 4 yr old son and an 18 month old daughter we packed our bags, said our goodbyes and on the 2nd Feb 2001 we started our Aussie adventure. I'll skip all the boring stuff but suffice to say we adapted very well. Our kids are 100% Aussie, it's all they know. Business has been exceptionally good to us and that has afforded us the opportunity to travel and most importantly travel to SA once or twice a year. Time being our main restraint as the older the kids get the more difficult it is to fit in travel plans with school holidays etc. But now 14 years later and we're seeing a side to emigration that is REALLY difficult to cope with. Our parents are elderly and needy. They are too young to be stuffed into an old age home and forgotten about but also need a hand around the house or just some family comfort. My wife went to bed last night crying as her mum has been ill and she's alone. No kids or grand kids to pop in and see if she's okay. We rely on Skype and SMS, how sad. I lost a parent last year. Yip, driving to work and you get that phone call. Not nice, no chance to say goodbye! I can 110% relate to the post KarinWise made on the "why is it so hard thread".

I look at family and friends who also had the opportunity to immigrate to Aus back in 2001 yet they decided to stay. They have no regrets and IMO they are wealthy because they are surrounded by family. They also have lovely houses, good jobs etc. Other than the few weeks a year that we get to spend in SA my kids do not know what it's like to have a grand parent. I feel sorry for those families who cannot afford to spend time with family and get angry with people who condemn those who visit SA. We've missed out on milestone family celebrations, nieces, nephews and the real life stuff that makes life warm and fuzzy. We did it for our kids but we NEVER estimated the cost to our own lives.

In summary, be sure you have the real reasons sorted as to why you want to leave your home, family, friends and everything that has made you who you are. I think Hansa said, the things that's shaped you. Your culture, your identity and everything that is familiar and very dear to you.

Edited May 6, 2015 by Rhyss

[ottg]

NEVER estimated the cost to our own lives.

So true - those are costs you cannot measure in $$!

[SurferMan]

Good post and thanks for the story Rhyss,

if i come across as pro-Aussie, it's because I am. Most people here do not know the terrible upbringing I had, it would read like a Stephen King novel. That is a prime reason why my happiness is so amplified, being able to give my kids what i could only ever dream of, or watch other kids have. And I mean the real stuff, dad and mom time, not material stuff like bikes, although that would have been nice.

SA has a stunning country with awesome people, rich and poor, black and white(although I detest that label) who despite serious adversity still manage to survive, if not all thriving. For that I salute them. But I am in Aus now, and my actions and behaviours reflect what I have experienced in life, much like what Hansa was saying. What is nice is that I can be myself, unlike a lot of my experiences in SA and some other parts of the world I have llived in, like the UAE.

Haha, no butler, you got me!!!! Yes I miss the fellow, he was on the ball and knew what I wanted so well it was truly an awesome experience. He got excellent support for me in return, as he should as a valued employee. If my ground breaking apps drop and I can sell them for millions, would I get another butler? Nah, I would outsource some of the crappy jobs though like housecleaning, laundry etc. That gives the goose and I more time to spend with the kids. As we homeschool that is precious time I'm sure you will agree.

But no square peg mate, sorry to disappoint. Are you at the Eastern States Nkandla or the wild west Nkandla?

Cheers

Surferman

[blung]

Are you at the Eastern States Nkandla or the wild west Nkandla?

I hear NOR is best