emotional roller coaster

[mvluik]

Dont know how everyone else is keeping it all together ? immigration is testing my character BIG TIME! For the 1st time in over 7years im experiencing mild panic attacks?

The pressure in relationships with friends & even some family members is showing --- even had some close friends saying we're moving out of God's will ? and how they think we're making a huge mistake.

Really feels like we have no support, people are almost angry cause we're leaving ? --talk of us not staying to fight the fight together... close friends withdrawing already...

Now the thought of it getting even harder before it gets easier?

Really praying for the Lords peace? and for soft hearts for our loved ones ❤

As iv said before--this better be worth it?... I can see how people say immigration is possibly the hardest thing we'll ever do... #what an emotional roller coaster

[Theunis]

Feeling the same here. The world is small nowadays and you can still skype and send messages instantly so I guess it does bridge the gap in a way. In terms of fighting together. When things go down people won't even be aware of it and you may face things alone. Even Nelson Mandela was stuck on the highway in a broken ambulance. Where were the rest of the world then. That's how I measure it.

[LouiseMark]

I hear you!

I often feel like I have to justify why we have applied. My family were upset but they have come around to the idea, It is hard on family because in our case we are taking away grandkids. My family is going to be split over 3 continents in the space of a year and half.

The application process takes it out of you. Many a time I sat down with hubby and said why are we doing this again??????

Now we have the visa I almost feel it is worse because now it is reality and all these decisions need to be made and become real.

Just keep praying. Often when people are negative about the move it is because they wish it was them being brave enough to say enough is enough.

We have not moved yet but i am sure many on this forum will say that the benefits of Oz outweigh the stress we go through to get there.

All the best. Vasbyt!

[EmNew]

I can relate to your roller coaster feelings and the pressure of what we have been through already, the waiting for VPO/ visa grant and leaving people extremely special to me behind is building up.

We haven't shared our application news with everyone in our circle yet - we're holding back on complete disclosure to some close friends/family until we've got the visa in our hands. The few local friends/family we have shared the news with have been very weird about it. No anger yet, no guilt trips, almost a complete lack of response / emotion to our announcements. I am not sure what is worse - fights with loved ones over it or total lack of any emotion over the issue from them. Also get the impression they are withdrawing already. The only local people who actually ask how it's going and offer any help they can, are the hand-full of clients of mine that know ( had to ask for references for skills assessment from them ) We have level headed discussions about it, and there is mutual respect around each other's decisions to go/stay etc. It has been therapeutic for me to chat to them and not feel defensive about it.

Most overseas friends know ( scattered around UAE/USA/Norway/UK/Austria , and Australia itself ) and their response is one of excitement on our behalf, which has also helped.

I do however have total inner peace about our actual decision to put ourselves through this process. Doubt hasn't crept in ( just impatience etc ) Faith has played a big role and I find that have a deeper understanding of what Faith is thanks to all we've been through to date. Personally I feel that if a visa is granted, then that IS God's will...... Leaving one country/region for another is something that humans have done since day one. It's not abnormal, and the reasons for doing so are so personal to the individual. I am trying to teach myself that I don't have to justify the reasons I am leaving to anyone, but that's easier said than done!

I am praying too that relationships that are meant to last, will last, via Skype and other methods of instant communications, but I do understand that not everyone can maintain long distance relationships. Most of my close school friends left SA in the mid 1990's already and we're still in regular contact and can pick up easily where we left off. Some I have only seen in person twice since matric, but we're all still close. So I trust that the friendships I made since school that are meant to last, will last. It will be heart breaking if some don't , but it won't be from lack of effort to maintain them.

I am not going to hope that the emotional roller coaster is all worth it, I am going to make it all worth it, as far as is it is possible to do so Impatience to start our new life is my overruling emotion at the moment.....

[DXB2OZ]

just remember, whatever an individual has chosen must always be the best possible decision. If they bought a mazda, it is because only an idiot would buy a Toyota (example only - drove my Toyota for 12 years and still miss it). If they live in Midrand it is because nobody in their right mind would live in Sandton. If they "choose" to stay, it is because only a coward would leave.

But time for a bit of honesty here, because we all do it as well. Those of us who have left often suggest that those who stay only do so because they have no choice, where in fact many do. As an expat, I often avoided other South Africans because they tended to be nothing but negative about SA and many of them would assume (loudly) that everyone else shared their political beliefs. Human beings tend to all have remarkably similar failings.

Just remember, as much as you may be second-guessing your choice to go, others are questioning their choice to stay and you are casting doubts on the wisdom of that decision, causing them to doubt themselves, leaving them feeling (rightly or wrongly) defensive. Add to that the pain of knowing they will miss you and you have emotional turmoil on an epic scale.

Hanging onto friendships from a distance is extremely hard. Some friends are so special that they are still in your life, 20 years later. Others move on and move out, but they leave treasured memories behind, having filled a need at a time. Don't value them any less for that. Treasure your old memories but still enjoy creating new ones.

One day you will sit here in Oz, look back at this time and (hopefully) shake your head and smile. You will get through it. It is a very traumatic, emotional time, but you will find reserves of emotional strength you never even knew you had. Prop up the friends who are sad, lean on the ones who are strong and when all else fails, come and have a vent on the forum.

[Mara]

I am not sure whether it is fortunate/unfortunate for me, that I have lived in five different countries. My sister says I move countries like getting in a car! I can tell you this though, each of those moves drained me and took a lot out of me, especially as they were all done without my friend Google or a forum such as this one. I left friends and family behind that I greatly cared for, we had two adult sons (17 and 23), for whom we were making the decisions, with their approval, but nonetheless we would end up the bad guys if this did not work out! I have to admit though, the last two moves, New Zealand and Australia were the only two where I did not second guess myself, I was all for it.

I do agree with DXB2OZ, not everyone wants to leave and because of that they cannot understand why you would want to do so. My brother was one of those that told us we were cowards for running away... today he lives in Austin Texas! I have friends in RSA that asked what the requirements were to migrate, but when they heard of the cost and the gathering of information and all the rest that is involved, they decided that it was not for them. Those same friends today, say they are so sorry they did not attempt it at the time... today they are too old and do not meet the requirements of any country.

My biggest heartache was the fact that we were leaving my Mother behind, that was really difficult for all four of us as off and on she had lived with us in our home. She and my sister were the only two that knew that we were leaving (due to business connections we could not talk to anyone) yet they were both very supportive. At the point of leaving RSA we arranged for them to visit us three months later, tickets bought and paid for. Eight days after we arrived in NZ my mother passed away suddenly... I know now that I would have been a nervous wreck if she was still alive today!

I think we are all strong woman/men, we were raised to a high standard, to look upwards and onwards, to believe in God (for the most of us) and to know that He will guide us, for me that has been my saving grace for a long time.

We have had ups and downs, but definitely for the most part it has all been up and up and up! I love Australia, I love the peace, the joy of being safe (yes I know there is crime here but I do not stare it in the face daily). I love the fact that people care about each other, that in time of need they all rally around to help and assist. That they have time for their fellow man.

I have to tell you though, that what you are going through now, as far as stress is concerned, is not a patch to what you are going to go through once you arrive. You may think that you have it all worked out, but once you get here you will realise that everything is different, and that is when you will really start asking yourself should you have done THIS?

The short answer is A RESOUNDING YES, YES, YES! :ilikeit:

So be at peace with those that are distancing themselves from you, be kind to those that you are leaving behind, appreciate those that support you, and most of all... just keep praying and trust the Lord to have his loving arms around you! When things get tough, speak to someone that has been here some time, they will remind you that it will work out... you just have to give it time!

[Riekie]

Sounds exactly like me in 2004... Trust me, IT IS ALL WORTH IT 100 TIMES OVER!

What you're going through emotionally is perfectly normal. In regards, to the anxiety: It's normal. You will experience it before you leave and after you leave.

Before you leave, it is the thought of something happening to you and not making it out in time, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of the unknown, the loss you're already starting to realise. You experience everything in overdrive and at a hightened level. In those last weeks in south Africa, I would get so paranoïd that I would leave a trolley half full of shopping in SPAR and walk out because I suddenly feel that "something" is going to happen to the point that I can't breathe.

After you leave, you may experience feelings of incredible loss, guilt for "making it out safely", and even PTS because you've dodged a bullet. Once again, this is normal. Many people confuse this with "cannot live without my family" and they give up and go back. What they're experiencing is the process of grief. Not everyone goes through this, but many do and the best you could do is acknowledge it, and wait it out, knowing that it will get better and you will not regret hanging in there!

To everyone saying that you're not doing God's will by moving to another country:

1. The whole Bible is full of people moving to a better life and the biggest move of all: the Israelites moving from Egypt - with God's blessing and assistance!

2. Do these people all still live where they were born? Not? So how is moving from place to place in South Africa, any different from moving from place to place in the world?

To everyone who is angry, judgemental, unsupportive:

1. They're either very sad to see you go and it's the only way they can deal with their loss or

2. They're jealous.

Either way, nothing you could possibly do will change the way they feel and the way they express it. Be a duck.

To everyone saying you're "deserting your country":

Your country deserted you.
Don't get into word wars and arguments. They will never see it your way. You do not have to justify your decision - It's yours and you'll own it.

For your own sanity, just focus on the job at hand (getting to Australia in one piece and of sound mind) and ignore all the "fluff". We're stronger than we think.

Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

[Bigvan07]

Brace yourself,

Very hurtful comments are coming from people close to you.

I started deleting those comments on facebook.

As for not staying to fight the fight together, irony of the matter is, NO ONE is fighting the fight, we all sit around at night, locked in our prisons called houses and complain. Nothing is getting done to make it better. We are accepting it, because it is easier to turn a blind eye than to actually fight for the cause.

Note I am saying we, because I am still in SA, luckily only till 3 April, then we fly to a better future.

Good luck with it all, sitting in the same boat as you.

[QACR]

Wow. Thank you for sharing. I am feeling exactly the same. I honestly believe that we are doing the best thing for our family and whatever God's will is we will let Him lead us....

[LouiseMark]

I cannot believe how some family members are trying to convince us that we must not leave and that "it won't be better" there. We got told to just go on an activation trip and let things settle.

it seems that once you have the actually visa their opinion changes.

[mvluik]

Joshua 1:5-9 ESV

No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous, for you shall cause this people to inherit the land that I swore to their fathers to give them. Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success WHEREVER YOU GO.

This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it.

For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.

Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you WHEREVER YOU GO!

[CChalmers]

EmNew,

you say:

I am praying too that relationships that are meant to last, will last,

Although our move was to USA and not Aus, after 3 years I can confidently say that your prayer will be answered. Emigration has a funny way of proving exactly who is IN your life. True bonds do not die because of time or space. The rest do simmer down after a while (and you may be shocked at which do and which don't), but honestly it comes as a relief because it simplifies everything. You will have to let go of some in order to open yourself to new ones, and that is actually quite wonderful.

Be strong!

Sounds exactly like me in 2004... Trust me, IT IS ALL WORTH IT 100 TIMES OVER!

What you're going through emotionally is perfectly normal. In regards, to the anxiety: It's normal. You will experience it before you leave and after you leave.

Before you leave, it is the thought of something happening to you and not making it out in time, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of the unknown, the loss you're already starting to realise. You experience everything in overdrive and at a hightened level. In those last weeks in south Africa, I would get so paranoïd that I would leave a trolley half full of shopping in SPAR and walk out because I suddenly feel that "something" is going to happen to the point that I can't breathe.

After you leave, you may experience feelings of incredible loss, guilt for "making it out safely", and even PTS because you've dodged a bullet. Once again, this is normal. Many people confuse this with "cannot live without my family" and they give up and go back. What they're experiencing is the process of grief. Not everyone goes through this, but many do and the best you could do is acknowledge it, and wait it out, knowing that it will get better and you will not regret hanging in there!

To everyone saying that you're not doing God's will by moving to another country:

1. The whole Bible is full of people moving to a better life and the biggest move of all: the Israelites moving from Egypt - with God's blessing and assistance!

2. Do these people all still live where they were born? Not? So how is moving from place to place in South Africa, any different from moving from place to place in the world?

To everyone who is angry, judgemental, unsupportive:

1. They're either very sad to see you go and it's the only way they can deal with their loss or

2. They're jealous.

Either way, nothing you could possibly do will change the way they feel and the way they express it. Be a duck.

To everyone saying you're "deserting your country":

Your country deserted you.
Don't get into word wars and arguments. They will never see it your way. You do not have to justify your decision - It's yours and you'll own it.

For your own sanity, just focus on the job at hand (getting to Australia in one piece and of sound mind) and ignore all the "fluff". We're stronger than we think.

Buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Wow Riekie - wish I had read your wisdom in the early days (even though I am in the USA). You should post this on all the sister-sites - I am sure it would help an SAFFER no matter where they land!

[monsta]

Riekie,

Well said. I have leant over the years that its other people dealing with their own issues. There are two general types of Saffers.

Those who have a good job, a nice house, can send their kids to private schools, etc.. Its a kick in the groin to remind them "Look at every other look at every African country that installed a government of the poor, by the poor; The pockets of 1st world life have *really* suffered. History suggests that your nice little world behind your bob wire fences may not exist in 20 years". Then to make their blood boil, you tell them "The solution is to move to Aussie and live like an average Joe.. No mansion in the suburbs, no private schools, etc..". That doesn't go down well.

As for the other lot, the ones who are struggling financially and for whom living like an average Joe in Aussie would be an upgrade... Well Aussie doesn't want them.

Look, the reality for most wealthy Saffers is they are earning well because of the brain drain. To remind them of that gets their back up immediately.

Edited March 12, 2015 by monsta

[FairGo]

We are in the first stages of applying for a visa and I am a nervous wreck.

Our skills assessment is being done at the moment and I do not think it will be that straight forward for us as my husband completed his Accounting degree by doing extra subject after doing his Economics degree.

Now I am reading about the quota and see there is only 830 visa's left to be granted until June 2015. Now I am even more worried.

I am already stressed out about things that will only happen next year. I dont know how one gives up your permanent job and move to a foreign country without any promise of another job. If it was just me and my husband it would have been easier, but now we have a 20 month old son and I want to know that I will be able to provide him with at least a home and proper dinner each night.

I have been thinking about immigrating for the past 8 years and thought it would be easy for me, but I am realizing that this will be the hardest thing for me that I have ever done.

Reading these posts of people saying it is the best thing they have ever done for themselves and their family is comforting, but I am so scared we will be one of the bad stories of not finding work and having to come back.

[mvluik]

http://www.merisemag.com/eng/the-emotional-rollercoaster-ride-of-migration/

[Batsie]

Thanks for sharing mvluik, this is quite insightful.

[EmNew]

Thanks for sharing the link - it was a very interesting article to read.

[monsta]

Really feels like we have no support, people are almost angry cause we're leaving --talk of us not staying to fight the fight together... close friends withdrawing already...

Its a bit like the xenophobic attacks. I think most of it is just misplaced anger. e.g. we don't want to admit that voting the ANC in was a bad idea... so we will take it out on the Mozambicans.

Your situation is not too dissimilar.